Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Anger

Feeling angry - and, sometimes, the act of blaming - is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change - of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.

As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame our higher Power, others, or ourselves. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: "If only he would have done that... If I wouldn't have done that... Why didn't God do it differently?"... We know that blame doesn't help. In recovery, the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.

It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.

Trust the grief process and ourselves. We won't stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.

God, help me learn to accept my own and others' anger as a normal part of achieving acceptance and peace. Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

I used to be angry with life, with God, and with all that addiction had taken from me.

That anger was part of processing my pain, it was what put reality right in front of me and the understanding of how much it affected me.

It`s what I did with the anger that mattered, acting out on it only hurt others and myself. Acknowledging it, accepting it and taking action to make my life better was the only way I knew to get past anger and to turn my resentments into compassion and forgiveness.

Hugs

NeedingHelp7

As AH relapsed each time, the angrier I got. At the same time having an AS in trouble with the law, and domestic violence every time we turned around. And now was the question, how was I going to overcome this anger I had? I had to be strong, because I'm mom. The anger I felt wasn't a normal part of my nature. AH hates any kind of anger, he feels anger is just a wrong feeling to have. I knew my family was going to be torn apart by all of this, and I couldn't do a thing about it, and I was angry because of that. I knew what drug/alcohol addiction does to a family. I wasn't new to it, I knew what to expect, and that scared me. And now the inevitable has happened, both are gone AH, and AS, our home is down to young son (6) and I, but I know our loving Heavenly Father resides here and takes good care of us. I miss the family as I knew it, but with addiction dwelling here, it was just an angry mess most of the time. I know young son misses his dad and brother, and I feel his sadness too.
I only hope AS will be back and healthier, and our relationship restored in the future. I miss him so much, and I know he misses us.

I have swung through the stages of grief one after the other and over again so many times I just want it over. I dream of our family without addiction, a normal healthy loving family.

To finally accept what is.

Ann

(((NeedingHelp7))) Your sharing touched my heart this morning and is an inspiration for me and all here that it is possible to live a good life, to find happiness in the day...regardless of how others we love are doing with their addiction.

Special prayers today for you and your young boy, and extra prayers for your loved ones who still suffer.

Hugs

NeedingHelp7

Thankyou Dear Ann.

catecicc

Thank you for posting this Ann. For me feeling angry was in a way my first step toward healing. Each time he would relapse before this I would be absolutely devastated. It would ruin my world. For the first time, this past time I was MAD! I got angry! It showed me that he doesn't rule my feelings or my life anymore. I'm allowed to feel too and I feel MAD!

winnie12

Tracee - just a thought here but maybe the reason you are so angry is because you dont believe in forgiveness. without forgiving people you cant move on from things you will hold onto them and they will fester. We all do things wrong whether we intend to or not - i know i have hurt many people and have had many people hurt me. I dont think anyone who hurt me said to themselves "what can i do today to hurt her" they just did. I really dont think that most humans intentionally hurt others they just are in the grips of their weaknesses. None of us are perfect so all of us are in need of forgiveness.

my ex hurt me terribly but until i was able to truly forgive him (even without his apology) I wasnt able to get past it. The way i look at is is if i cant forgive others then how can i expect others and mostly my HP to forgive me. I dont forgive others merely for their sake I forgive others for my sake and because I take example from my HP and the forgiveness he gives to me.

winnie12

I completely understand tracee and have struggled with that myself. Here's the thing, they may never ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift that we give to someone else and which greatly benefits ourselves. When you buy someone a birthday present you dont hide it away and wait for them to ask you for it - you just give it to them and you feel wonderful for doing so.

When you forgive someone who hasnt asked for it you release YOURSELF from the pain and it is a very pure act which can greatly benefit you. It is very hard to do but it frees your soul from all that negativity. When I walk around with those negative thoughts running through my head my life becomes dark but when I forgive and release those thoughts my mind is free to focus on positive things in life and it helps the pain to go away.

There is a difference between forgiving someone and allowing yourself to constantly be hurt. You forgive them - forget their wrongdoings but protect yourself from having it happen again. I forgive my Ex but I wont ever go back to him.

If you cannot forgive them then ask your HP for the strength to forgive them or merely as Him to forgive them. I take the beautiful words of MY HP who in His Grace said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." That is the best way I can explain it.

winnie12

Whether or not you are around them is a choice that you have to make but doesnt really have anything to do with forgiving them. I forgive my AS and still want him in my life. I forgive my ex but dont want a relationship with him. Yes for a while you have grief if you decide to move on. I found that the forgiveness came easier towards the end of my grief - I had to get through the anger stage first. Once acceptance comes in its easier to forgive them.

There is no faking necessary. When I see my ex I dont run up and hug him but I also dont snarl at him anymore. Its more of an indifference at this point - i'm past the pain and now I dont really feel one way or the other when I see him. I dont sit around and mull over what he did to me but I also dont pursue a relationship with him anymore. Sometimes I do still get angry at how he treats our daughter but I deal with that as it comes. I'm focusing more on teaching her to forgive and let go so that she doesnt walk around carrying all this pain.

When I see my AS I dont constantly remind him of all the pain he caused me because he is forgiven in my heart and its in the past. Sometimes, I hug him and smile but that's because I'm truly happy to see him. Sometimes, when he has messed up and I feel anger toward him I just tell him so - I'm angry/sad right now, I love you but I need space.

winnie12

Its always tough when its family - you dont want to walk away from them but you are right that detaching can be a good thing. Sometimes just doing it for a while lets them know.

My dad and I had a big blowout when this all started with my AS because he thought i could just force my son to stop - he called me a bad mother for letting my son get involved in drugs - he really was just worried about him but took it out on me. I was so hurt that I just stayed away for a while. In time and in his own way (without saying it of course) he let me know that he was sorry but I needed space for a while. That's perfectly fine to do - now when i'm around him i just guard my heart a little bit and dont take to heart all the things he says. He's my Dad and I love him but I dont have to agree with him and I have the ability to get up and leave if I feel I need to.

Ann

I was more willing to forgive when I understood that the act of forgiveness is about me, not them.

It doesn't mean I condone what was done, it doesn't mean I would ever allow it again or even have to have a relationship with the person I am forgiving....it means that I let go of the pain (my pain) that I attach to my anger. I can then see more clearly that any person who is intentionally hurtful is probably hurting inside themselves...and that lets me feel compassion instead and grateful that I am not them.

I don't know if this helps, but it works for me.

Hugs

winnie12

Well said Ann

winnie12

Tracee - big hugs to you this morning. I like your spunk and your honesty throughout this thread. Not everyone is open enough to really say how they truly feel.

winnie12

I've noticed people say you talk too much when they dont want to hear what you're saying.

Ann

Tracee, no worries about talking here. When I post these readings I like to hear how other people respond, or what these words mean to them.

I love the book Language of Letting Go and am happy to share it here most days.

Hugs