HealthyLimits

Looking back you ask yourself, why did I wait? From here, there looks like it was an insane place to set up camp but you don't know that until you make the change you're fearing. It's like walking around with 100 pounds of rocks on your back and never setting it down because you have an irrational fear of never being able to find another 100 pounds of rocks. Once you do you can't decide if you're proud of yourself for finally doing it or disappointed it took so long.

Really, what do we fear in letting go? If you are willing to accept less than you're worth you can find anybody to give that to you. I don't know why we wait, I don't know why it clicks but when it does boy does it ever.

When you're doing the healthy thing it starts to come naturally and you need little validation or affirmation. When you aren't making healthy choices you're no longer seeking validation or affirmation but justification.

I learned codependency from my mother, she learned it from hers and I'm guessing she from hers. It comes tuition free if you don't count a healthy relationship a cost.

This poem is made possible by my grandma, mother and ex-wife but dedicated to everybody that is pulling themselves out of their dark past to search for a healthy future.


"Codependency"

I miss the disfunction, the rush, the adrenaline...the codependency that has you convinced the more you hurt the deeper you love. I'm moving forward so fast that I can't look back without crashing but I want just one more hit. I want to feel it again, alive, I want to feel alive again. Those fights were amazing, upset stomach, blood in my spit from from the emotions pouring out of my mouth. I wanna feel it suck me in, I want to be right in the middle of another battle were the only soldiers lost are the future years of a healthy relationship. Now healthy just feels so normal, nothing, flat. How could it ever compare? Am I ruined for life because of this? Yes, of course there was fire in bed, with that much fuel, so much anger of course there was a fire and it was huge and out of control. Love can pass itself off as so many things, love can convince you of so much, blind you and take over every single ounce of your true you. There was a day I looked at you and wanted to consume you, this isn't a figurative statement, I wanted...to consume you. Just take a bite of you so you were always there. I felt like I couldn't function without you, without us, without me taking care of you. Us gives me focus, purpose, a reason to live and it was all love, I swear it was all done out of love. There was no insecurity, there was no manipulation, no wanting to control you, own you or anything else it was all love! It was love and I won't accept anything else as the cause.

Now I'm in the clear, in a clear head, clean body, fresh mind, lifted spirits and nothing to cloud my judgement. I lived, I survived the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my life. The world didn't end and you are a better person today without my foot on your neck. I was so scared to have things change, so scared I would have done whatever I could to prevent it. It was all done out of love my ass, it was all born from the darkest, ugliest most insecure place on my being. I have shined the brightest light I could find on that place so that mistake is learned from and never repeated. I don't know this world, I don't know it's people. I know me and couldn't venture a guess at why seeing the light for some is sadly a 100 year lesson. I'm thankful it wasn't for me, I'm thankful for you and for our children. We can all get out of this shadow and I hope grow, apart, together, whatever but grow. For my roll I'm sorry, it was the idea of loved that put us in this spot but it was true love that got us out of it. To any outsider, it wouldn't be seen that way but it's what's in my heart that counts. Sometimes loving means being willing to walk away.

Fulldresser4

Wow....exactly what I needed to hear this morning. Please accept my thanks for reaching a place in my heart and head that I didn't know was there.

queenteree

Wow, you wrote exactly what I was thinking this weekend. It may have taken me a couple of years, but you're right, when it clicks, boy does it ever. I'm actually so grateful for all I went thru, because I wouldn't trade how I am NOW for the world. Thanks for an awesome post.

HealthyLimits

Happy somebody has been able to take something from this... Does anybody else have a poem they've written about their experience? Might be a nice sticky..

drebeesie

All this time I have chased after an illusion or an idea that could never be
I have lost myself
I no longer feel I belong
I am never happy unless you are doing something to make me happy
I have sold my soul to you at a high price
Now I have exhausted all my funds and I fear I will never buy it back
I give and I give and never get back what I need from you
Why am I still here?
Why do I still long for you?
Why do you say you love me when you really don’t?
You don’t seem to appreciate the things I do for you
I never get the reaction that I hope for or expect
What is the point of all of this?
I know I am sick and I need help to detach my heart from you.
I often wonder what would happen if I wasn’t part of your life any longer
Would you even notice that I wasn’t there?
Would you honestly even care?
I feel so sick to hear all this time I have tried to save you, but all I have really done was hurt you
I never meant to hurt you, but it just somehow ended up that way
We have never been real
Based on drugs and sex, we have nothing left but a hollow shell of a fantasy
How can I feel so helpless over you?
How did I lose my sanity for a person who never was really there?
What do I mean to you?
I have all these thoughts that I face alone
I suffer in pain in silence
I cannot tell anyone of this pain because it sounds insane
I cannot bear to live this way forever
I must get away from you
I wish you didn’t tell me you love me
Cause you don’t
When have you considered my feelings
Never
Unless it benefited you
You are so selfish and expect things to just be handed to you cause you’re a victim
You make everyone else your victim
And you don’t care to deal with the aftermath of destruction you have caused
You only want to live for the moment
You never think about what you are doing
You whored yourself away to the devil and it was your choice
Now you blame everyone else
Its never your fault
But it really is
You must start taking responsibility for your action and for your disease
You are responsible for no one but yourself
And I am responsible for me
I cannot save you
I cannot save you
I CANNOT SAVE YOU
I CANNOT SAVE YOU
I must save myself from you
I must save myself from you
I am co-dependant
I am co-dependant
I am co-dependant

I AM CO-DEPANDANT!

meonlyme

WOW.....
That is so amazing. Your words, your thoughts, your ability to write down what I'm sure so many of us feel. Thank you for sharing this very emotional, very earnest, very well written piece.

meonlyme

WOW.....
That is so amazing. Your words, your thoughts, your ability to write down what I'm sure so many of us feel. Thank you for sharing this very emotional, very earnest, very well written piece.