Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 7
Hello
Hello am new to this site, i have been married for 13 years now and i have 2 children, my AH drinking is tearing my family apart. He went to AA several years ago because he was drunk everyday but soon stopped because he wasnt as bad as everyone else - his words. Now he tends to drink 5 nights a week sometimes just beer, othertimes brandy and red wine , he drinks to get drunk but says its not a problem he just likes a drink. The trouble is he loves his drink more than he loves us, he becomes sarcastic, irritates the children, looses his temper, swears and i cant stand being anywhere near him. He cant understand why i cant be intimate anymore but i am scared to tell him why because it wont change anything. If we go out he drinks untill he cant stand up straight then passes out when we get home , hes embarassing and he drinks and drives and i am so frustrated. I could go on and on......... sorry for ranting just dont know what to do, i get so confused he can talk his way around everything i say
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by bumblebee1974 
i get so confused he can talk his way around everything i say
It took me a verrrrrry long time, but I learned what best spoke for me were my actions. I finally understood that just like an alcoholic will say "I need to cut back," "I'll only drink two," etc., my words were meaningless unless backed up with a plan of action.
I cannot change another person, nor force them to see my way. I can only live the life I want for myself. Sometimes that inspires changes in others, sometimes it does not.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by bumblebee1974
If we go out he drinks untill he cant stand up straight then passes out when we get home , hes embarassing and he drinks and drives and i am so frustrated. I could go on and on......... sorry for ranting just dont know what to do, i get so confused he can talk his way around everything i say
The stories are familiar here, but everybody's solution isn't. Only you can decide for yourself what is the best course of action for you. I am assuming that you are not riding in the car with him when he is drunk.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome Bumblebee, I am glad to "meet you". The alcoholic in my life told me that AA wasn't a good fit because they were not like him. This was after a car accident that caused him to loose a limb, and a toxicology report that showed why. I had a hard time with it all too. I was especially embarrassed by it all and I took his behavior as a reflection of me. I would also make hollow threats and seldom follow through. Boy, I was a big mess. But one day I started to heal and get healthy. What worked for me was a couple of things. First I stumbled upon a book called "How Alanon Works"...that was an eye opener because I felt like who ever wrote that book had been peeking in my windows for the last 15 years! Second, I started going to a counselor that was a specialist in addiction. Third, I stated going to Alanon. I am a different women today, a short 11 months into my "recovery". There is hope. You have found a good place here. Please keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi bumblebee-
(((((hugs))))) and welcome!
One of the first big changes I made in my relationships with my A brothers was when I learned in AlAnon to just completely disengage. I was such an "engager!!" I would talk and listen to them for hours until my mind was so twisted I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore or whether I was enabling their alcoholism or not. It was the first step for me in finally getting some clarity- I stopped engaging with them about their drinking. I just stopped. I didn't ask about it, comment on it, mention it, scold them for it, beg or plead them to stop it. And I didn't listen to anything they had to say about their drinking. I learned to just say "Hunh." Or "I see." and then say nothing else. And if they kept "quacking"
in spite of my lack of response I would just leave the room. Total disengagement. The first few times I did this my stomach was in knots!! But what a huge amount of strength and energy I found for myself in this practice!!
This may seem impossible with your husband - since you are a married couple and must interact on some level each day. But try to take little baby steps in that direction. Nothing changes if nothing changes - and detaching will give you a little space to breathe, and get some perspective on your real situation.
AlAnon and individual counseling helped me enormously.
You mention you have children and that makes getting yourself to a healthy place doubly important! I wish my Mom had been able to step back from my A-Father and reassure us kids that the insanity we were living with was not normal, was not our fault, and she had offered us some kind of REALITY-based ASSISTANCE for God's sakes! It was so hard to be a kid in that unhealthy dynamic!
Stick around - you're on a good road if you're seeking help and many here have walked in your shoes!! You're not alone!
Peace-
B.
(((((hugs))))) and welcome!
One of the first big changes I made in my relationships with my A brothers was when I learned in AlAnon to just completely disengage. I was such an "engager!!" I would talk and listen to them for hours until my mind was so twisted I didn't know what was right or wrong anymore or whether I was enabling their alcoholism or not. It was the first step for me in finally getting some clarity- I stopped engaging with them about their drinking. I just stopped. I didn't ask about it, comment on it, mention it, scold them for it, beg or plead them to stop it. And I didn't listen to anything they had to say about their drinking. I learned to just say "Hunh." Or "I see." and then say nothing else. And if they kept "quacking"
in spite of my lack of response I would just leave the room. Total disengagement. The first few times I did this my stomach was in knots!! But what a huge amount of strength and energy I found for myself in this practice!!This may seem impossible with your husband - since you are a married couple and must interact on some level each day. But try to take little baby steps in that direction. Nothing changes if nothing changes - and detaching will give you a little space to breathe, and get some perspective on your real situation.
AlAnon and individual counseling helped me enormously.
You mention you have children and that makes getting yourself to a healthy place doubly important! I wish my Mom had been able to step back from my A-Father and reassure us kids that the insanity we were living with was not normal, was not our fault, and she had offered us some kind of REALITY-based ASSISTANCE for God's sakes! It was so hard to be a kid in that unhealthy dynamic!
Stick around - you're on a good road if you're seeking help and many here have walked in your shoes!! You're not alone!
Peace-
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 7
Thankyou all its nice to meet you too, sadly i have been a passenger when he has been driving but not anymore, if we do go out i will drive now on one hand i resent it because i feel i cant have a drink with my friends and let my hair down, i watch him get drunk and hate him for it, then on the other hand i resent alcohol for what it has done for my family. I end up turning down invites because it always ends up the same but i want to get out and see our friends . He played up last night and embarrased me in front of our friends, they are good friends and they just smile at me as if to say dont worry about it, but it does matter. I am typing this and i just want to scream at him and shake him i really dont like him - is this normal to feel this way about your husband?
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by bumblebee1974
I am typing this and i just want to scream at him and shake him i really dont like him - is this normal to feel this way about your husband?
I don't consider it normal - but it does seem pretty par for the course among spouses of alcoholics.
Al-Anon and SR opened my eyes to the TEXTBOOK behavior of my husband and myself. It was awe-inspiring and humbling to see the pattern of addiction play out in others lives.
I was not alone.
Neither are you.
Keep coming back.
-TC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 7
Our good friends are a couple so we have always met up together, its sounds crazy but even going out on my own seems such a big step to take, he has never hit me but i am scared to stand up to him, i think that i dont go out because it stops him saying well im going out if you do, everytime he goes out he gets smashed and i end up worrying if he will come home, what he will be like when he does and how i feel when he comes home like that, i am not allowed to say how i feel- i hope that makes sense.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
While I am not in a situation with an alcoholic I am in a situation with someone abusing drugs. Addiction is basically the same anyway. I made my Aexbf move out of our home going on four weeks now. Some things that I have learned along the way are:
This is his problem not mine. He caused this to come upon himself. When I got that through my head I was able to start taking baby steps forward. The first week was a nightmare because he acted like life was GREAT!! That made me sick. Here I am struggling just to make it moment to moment and he is going around telling EVERYONE how much better we get along now that he moved out. What a joke. Drugs make you think you are much better without people who keep pointing out how bad drugs are and how you should get help.
Then I found this site and realized that its not my fault and right now I need to be the strong one. I felt I had made the wrong decision in asking him to leave but then I started posting and talking to wonderful people on this site and I realized that that was the best decision to make in MY circumstance. I cant say the same would be true for you because I am not in your shoes.
After he had been gone for awhile he realized he was the cause not his family. When that happened he still didnt RUN for recovery. So now we are in a holding pattern.
I want to comment on what you said about going out. I know exactly how you feel. While my ex WAS NEVER abusive I just couldnt DETACH and go on with my life. I couldnt go out with friends or do my own thing for the exact reasons that you listed. I was worried that he would do something that would be bad or detremental to our family. THAT IS A LIE WE TELL OURSELVES.
If your husband goes out and gets smashed and wrecks the car who directly pays for the consequence of that? HE DOES. Ya you may have to get a new car or whatever but you have to let him FALL and then decide if you want to be there to pick up the pieces with that or move on and put YOUR pieces back together.
I have my good days and my bad. Today started out really bad. But now I have changed my thinking. This is his fault and if he wants his family back he is gonna have TO WORK to get us back. He did this. He needs to get help. And if he doesnt then I guess there is nothing to work out. As much as that hurts to say I will have to move on and live MY LIFE.
Keep posting and reading. Somewhere you will find exactly what you need.
Also, wanted to add that until you start to work on yourself and your life you will be stuck in HIS cycle of addiction. This way of life will continue until you decided for yourself that its NOT ACCEPTABLE.
This is his problem not mine. He caused this to come upon himself. When I got that through my head I was able to start taking baby steps forward. The first week was a nightmare because he acted like life was GREAT!! That made me sick. Here I am struggling just to make it moment to moment and he is going around telling EVERYONE how much better we get along now that he moved out. What a joke. Drugs make you think you are much better without people who keep pointing out how bad drugs are and how you should get help.
Then I found this site and realized that its not my fault and right now I need to be the strong one. I felt I had made the wrong decision in asking him to leave but then I started posting and talking to wonderful people on this site and I realized that that was the best decision to make in MY circumstance. I cant say the same would be true for you because I am not in your shoes.
After he had been gone for awhile he realized he was the cause not his family. When that happened he still didnt RUN for recovery. So now we are in a holding pattern.
I want to comment on what you said about going out. I know exactly how you feel. While my ex WAS NEVER abusive I just couldnt DETACH and go on with my life. I couldnt go out with friends or do my own thing for the exact reasons that you listed. I was worried that he would do something that would be bad or detremental to our family. THAT IS A LIE WE TELL OURSELVES.
If your husband goes out and gets smashed and wrecks the car who directly pays for the consequence of that? HE DOES. Ya you may have to get a new car or whatever but you have to let him FALL and then decide if you want to be there to pick up the pieces with that or move on and put YOUR pieces back together.
I have my good days and my bad. Today started out really bad. But now I have changed my thinking. This is his fault and if he wants his family back he is gonna have TO WORK to get us back. He did this. He needs to get help. And if he doesnt then I guess there is nothing to work out. As much as that hurts to say I will have to move on and live MY LIFE.
Keep posting and reading. Somewhere you will find exactly what you need.
Also, wanted to add that until you start to work on yourself and your life you will be stuck in HIS cycle of addiction. This way of life will continue until you decided for yourself that its NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 23
Welcome. Mine tried to join us for trick or treating and showed up snarling at me through grit teeth. He was lost and said I didn't answer my cell-he was dialing the wrong #. I could go on with a similar example of almost every outside activity we have attempted to engage in for the last 5 years.
Trust your instincts regarding him a a threat. Read the thread on abuse.
If abuse is part of the situation, you must be careful to keep safe. Please read the thread on abuse.
It sounds like you are beginning to grieve.
Thats a good thing.
Trust your instincts regarding him a a threat. Read the thread on abuse.
If abuse is part of the situation, you must be careful to keep safe. Please read the thread on abuse.
It sounds like you are beginning to grieve.
Thats a good thing.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I am going to be honest with you. If I was going to talk the talk to my ah about HIS drinking then I had better face my own demons. We have no right to tell them their drinking is damaging if we are drinking as well. If you know full well that his is a problem then neither of you should be going out but instead be responsible parents and find family things to do with your children.
If he decides to quit and works a program and you are a responsible drinker then you might consider a night out with the girls but that's far off in the distance.
You are only adding gas to fire.
An alcoholic doesn't get any better and children do not relearn life. You get one shot at being a parent. Even if you've had one drink you should NOT be driving a car. God forbid someone else hits you but you have alcohol on your breath.......not a good way for your memory to be passed down to your children.
I did exactly what you are doing. This is why I can tell you that if you lead by example he may follow......you may even find out that drinking isn't worth any of it. Your children deserve NO alcoholics in their little lives. There are so many things to do that doesn't include drinking.
Drinking because he likes it.........only a beer here and there........relaxing.......all excuses that are common in the beginning. Years and years down the road and MANY wasted moments will soon be consumed by hospital trips or a funeral. Nothing good comes out of it.
Only HE can decide to stop and nothing you say or do will make him quit. If you threaten to leave then you had better be prepared to do so. No idle threats.
Keep reading here, you'll find almost all the stories link together like legos in some crazy nightmare puzzle. The end is always the same. The alcoholic drinks himself into losing everything, the alcoholic drinks himself into the hospital and sobers up, the alcoholic dies.........and the one we all hope for? The alcoholic realizes he has a problem and works the program and gets sober.....unfortuntatly that's the minority.But no recovering alcoholic hangs out with another alcoholic(in the form of being married or living with one in a relationship) It's a disease for a reason.
You'll be in my prayers.
If he decides to quit and works a program and you are a responsible drinker then you might consider a night out with the girls but that's far off in the distance.
You are only adding gas to fire.
An alcoholic doesn't get any better and children do not relearn life. You get one shot at being a parent. Even if you've had one drink you should NOT be driving a car. God forbid someone else hits you but you have alcohol on your breath.......not a good way for your memory to be passed down to your children.
I did exactly what you are doing. This is why I can tell you that if you lead by example he may follow......you may even find out that drinking isn't worth any of it. Your children deserve NO alcoholics in their little lives. There are so many things to do that doesn't include drinking.
Drinking because he likes it.........only a beer here and there........relaxing.......all excuses that are common in the beginning. Years and years down the road and MANY wasted moments will soon be consumed by hospital trips or a funeral. Nothing good comes out of it.
Only HE can decide to stop and nothing you say or do will make him quit. If you threaten to leave then you had better be prepared to do so. No idle threats.
Keep reading here, you'll find almost all the stories link together like legos in some crazy nightmare puzzle. The end is always the same. The alcoholic drinks himself into losing everything, the alcoholic drinks himself into the hospital and sobers up, the alcoholic dies.........and the one we all hope for? The alcoholic realizes he has a problem and works the program and gets sober.....unfortuntatly that's the minority.But no recovering alcoholic hangs out with another alcoholic(in the form of being married or living with one in a relationship) It's a disease for a reason.
You'll be in my prayers.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by Stubborn1
We have no right to tell them their drinking is damaging if we are drinking as well. If you know full well that his is a problem then neither of you should be going out but instead be responsible parents and find family things to do with your children....
But no recovering alcoholic hangs out with another alcoholic(in the form of being married or living with one in a relationship) It's a disease for a reason.
But no recovering alcoholic hangs out with another alcoholic(in the form of being married or living with one in a relationship) It's a disease for a reason.
I was under the impression that she was simply talking about have a drink now and then at a party.
While I occasionally drink, I am not an alcoholic.
I am certainly a responsible parent.
I think it is up to bumblebee to determine if her drinking is a problem or not.
From her posts I gathered that she, like many of us, came to SR because she has a problem with her husband's drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London England
Posts: 7
sorry if i confused you, i am not an alcoholic and i did come here because of my husbands drinking problems, i do like a drink now and again but only like any other person , to be honest it wouldnt bother me to not drink alcohol everv again. I would like to get together with friends to have a social drink once in a while but thats normal. Many a time when my hubby has tried to stop i make sure there is no alcohol in the house and i have never had a drink when he has been trying to stay off it, he always goes back to it and i dont because i am too dissapointed that he has, hope that makes sense.
My children are the most important people in the world to me and they are what keeps me going, i wish i was strong enough to get them away from this situation , i know NO children deserve to be living with an alcoholic but im doing the best i can to be the best mum to them and support them with all my love, care and reassurance.
My children are the most important people in the world to me and they are what keeps me going, i wish i was strong enough to get them away from this situation , i know NO children deserve to be living with an alcoholic but im doing the best i can to be the best mum to them and support them with all my love, care and reassurance.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
i wish i was strong enough to get them away from this situation
If you have been living with an alcoholic for 13 years you are MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!!!!
You've just been expending that strength on the wrong person! Focus some, even a wee bit, of that strength on YOU and you can move mountains! Baby steps towards recovering yourself bumblebee...they still move you forward! Glad you are here!
Peace-
B.
If you have been living with an alcoholic for 13 years you are MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!!!!
You've just been expending that strength on the wrong person! Focus some, even a wee bit, of that strength on YOU and you can move mountains! Baby steps towards recovering yourself bumblebee...they still move you forward! Glad you are here!
Peace-
B.
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