fastlane

Hey everyone,

I'm new to the forum here and new to wanting to recover. I started using adderall from other people's prescriptions (they'd give it to me) to help me study in my college days, and it helped me a lot with getting work done. So I thought to myself that I must have ADHD, and sought a prescription. I was able to get it with no problem, and for a while it really helped me. But pretty soon I was using it to stay up all night for days on end, and it stopped being about focusing at all.

My grades slipped, but I kept using it, kept asking for refills, until I finally descended into full-blown psychosis. I went to the hospital, where I was given antipsychotics and told to stay off all illegal drugs.

So I spent the next year doing pretty much nothing, taking antipsychotics every day, on medical leave from college, until I decided I was ready to go back to school. Lot of stuff happened in that time but I don't want to go into it. Anyway by then I was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

When I got back to school I fell back into the same old routine, using adderall, ritalin, concerta, etc. to help me study. It became even more necessary for me because the antipsychotics I was on made me unmotivated. Eventually I was able to find a journal article that said stimulants could help cure the negative symptoms of my schizophrenia, probably believing myself, and through lots of manipulation was able to get him to prescribe me ritalin. Of course, when I got the ritalin all I did was crush it up and put it up my nose.

Since graduating, I've been seeing another psychiatrist who has prescribed me many different stimulants, all of which I blow through pretty quickly. Then when I run out I go to the grocery store and buy up all their Benzedrex inhalers and eat them.

When I'm off speed, I can't think straight and all I do is get drunk or smoke pot until I get speed again.

Recently my doctor prescribed me Provigil, a drug that's supposedly nonaddictive and doesn't get you high. But I've still been using it to stay up all night for days at a time, and I'm no closer to living a normal, functional life than I ever was.

I know I can't go on living like this. I'm able to make money doing small contract jobs; indeed, my doctor says I'm a very "high-functioning schizophrenic." But the truth is it's destroying me. I'm not sure it's just speed that's the problem; I feel as if I need to be on some kind of drug at all times. Until a couple months ago I was also abusing opiates regularly but I managed to cut those out.

I feel like if I could just take these drugs as directed... I would be living a great life. I don't think I can function well without stimulants. But I also am hopeless at using them as directed.

I've gone to a couple NA meetings but I couldn't stand them. It's not that Higher Power thing that gets me; they're just boring and I don't really feel connected with the people there. I've got a lot of comorbid psychiatric problems with my drug addiction. I'm very antisocial; I've stolen pills from friends and family before.

Anyway... I want to quit. I really do. But I'm not sure I know how.

I don't want to tell my doctor about my problems because... well... maybe I don't want to quit enough.

I dunno. Anyway hi. Nice to meet you.

splendra

Hey there fastlane-

Welcome to sober recovery. I can really relate to your post I too am HFS with dyslexia. I do not take any meds for it. I have straightened myself out with nutrition and psycho and alternative therapies.

Back when I was using the ADD drugs were not yet being as heavily prescribed as they are now. I just used meth amphetamine off the streets and drank myself almost to oblivion.

Recovery was a long road for me I had many slips.

I am very glad to say that I had been clean for over a year when I first discovered I was with child.

I think the desire to get clean is what gets a person on the road to recovery. Being able to accept myself as I am helped too.

Being schizophrenic is part of who I am and where I have been. I do not have many "positive" symptoms. Occasionally I get a little paranoid and when I do I know I am not taking good enough care of myself and I am letting stress take over. Yoga really helps me a lot and eating highly nutritional foods helps me too.

I consider myself extremely fortunate that I do not have to rely upon meds to keep me functioning. I was determined that I would not have to be medicated.

I don't believe I have ever shared that I have this condition here before but, your post made me want to reach out to you and tell you that there is hope for you. Keep looking for answers and you will find them.

least

I hope you can trust your doctor enough in the near future to tell about your drug problems. I'm diagnosed with depression, manic depression, and anxiety. I was self medicating with alcohol and it just made me more depressed and anxious. Now that I'm no longer drinking my psychiatric meds work a lot better and my mental health is improving.

You too can recover from drugs, but it may be a lot easier with medical help for your mental illness and your addictions. It can be done. Read, post your feelings, and know you're not alone in your addiction. We are here to help you any way we can. THere is also a substance abuse forum which you may find very helpful as well as mental health forums to deal with mental illness in addition to addictions.

:ghug3