alcoholic boyfriend?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
alcoholic boyfriend?
hello, i am new here and would like to share.
i have found this site when looking for others in my situation, and have read some of the sticky threads which i found extremely helpful.
i have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and have always been wondering whether he is an alcoholic. this is because he doesn’t drink every day, or huge amounts (like bottles of whiskey), but once he starts drinking (a couple of times a week) he cannot stop.
he drinks until he passes out.
these are some of the things that make me believe he might be an alcoholic:
- i find hidden empty beer bottles when cleaning up (under bed, behind sofa etc.) – he’ll say oh they must have been there for months
- he will go out saying he will get a certain number of beer bottles but try and sneak more in (caught him several times)
- generally lies about the quantity he drinks
- denies he had beer while being out even if i can see he’s lying (there are a lot of things he does body language-wise he only does after having beer)
- i tried to control his money (i know now – bad idea) but he always took some and spent it on “lemonade” or “something to eat”, also he never gets receipts from supermarkets so i cannot track his spendings
- switches between admitting to having a problem and stating he’s “alright actually”
- cannot keep his promises regarding drink
- we must have made about 100 “deals” since being together, he will only have 8 bottles max per day, he will only drink 1 day per week..nothing ever worked
writing down all these things i am about 95% sure he is an alcoholic. a couple of years back i found some hypnotherapist advertising to help with binge-drinking, and my boyfriend even went there for a consultation, but he never went back to do the actual hypnotherapy. the guy’s a charlatan he said etc. etc.
one of the worst effects of his drinking on me is that during his solitary night time drinking he will keep me up as well. not physically but simply by being noisy, singing along to music, rattling around in the kitchen etc. (our flat is quite small).
no matter how convinced he was beforehand saying he would definitely not wake me up, he would fail. most of the time he doesn’t remember anything the next day and i will tell him. then he’ll say sorry and that’s that – until the next time.
once he feels the urge to drink he will be totally fixated and unable to think of anything else. he has no other “hobbies”. he drinks before, during and after social situations, or if he’s bored, or because it’s the weekend, or because the chain broke on his bike, or because we had an argument, or for whatever reason will seem good enough at the time.
but enough about him. ;-) i am stupid enough to be an “enabler” (a term which i had just learned about on here) – i have just truly realized all the things i had been doing wrong, like buying him beer (obviously) or waking him up for work when he would be physically unable to wake up himself, or making excuses for him if he didn’t turn up at someone’s party when he said he would.
at the moment i feel it’s too late for us, i feel so much resentment..last weekend was probably one of the worst – he went to the garage for beer twice during the night, the 2nd time 5.30 in the morning. the next day we had a really big argument, he wanted go out to buy more beer and i took all the money (to save him from himself so to speak because he was still intoxicated from the night before - like taking away the car keys if someone is unfit to drive i thought) and locked myself into the bedroom.
he broke the lock and doorframe by kicking the door. he has never done anything that drastic before..i fixed it since but the cracks in the door frame are still visible.
so the arguments are definitely escalating more. after this we hardly spoke during last week and i asked him for a “talk” 2 days ago. he said not now but tomorrow (saturday) is ok.
then yesterday he did not mention it, and i didn’t either. i thought he should be the one trying to talk to me if he wants to continue this relationship.
today i said again what about a talk next week and he said ok.
he will go to visit some family in a few weeks time and i intend to ask him not to come back.
i feel i have the strength to do that now. i have to get some distance. all his lying, deceiving, breaking promises and depriving me of sleep is not healthy for both me and our relationship.
he just went out again to get some beer because he’s “bored of drinking tea”, he asked me if he could but that was meaningless because even when i have said no in the past he still bought some. i just said it’s your decision.
and he decided to have the beer.
ok, this post was a lot longer (and more jumbled) than i had intended. it feels good to talk about all this since there is no “real life person” i can openly talk to about my boyfriend and his drinking.
thank you for listening.
i have found this site when looking for others in my situation, and have read some of the sticky threads which i found extremely helpful.
i have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and have always been wondering whether he is an alcoholic. this is because he doesn’t drink every day, or huge amounts (like bottles of whiskey), but once he starts drinking (a couple of times a week) he cannot stop.
he drinks until he passes out.
these are some of the things that make me believe he might be an alcoholic:
- i find hidden empty beer bottles when cleaning up (under bed, behind sofa etc.) – he’ll say oh they must have been there for months
- he will go out saying he will get a certain number of beer bottles but try and sneak more in (caught him several times)
- generally lies about the quantity he drinks
- denies he had beer while being out even if i can see he’s lying (there are a lot of things he does body language-wise he only does after having beer)
- i tried to control his money (i know now – bad idea) but he always took some and spent it on “lemonade” or “something to eat”, also he never gets receipts from supermarkets so i cannot track his spendings
- switches between admitting to having a problem and stating he’s “alright actually”
- cannot keep his promises regarding drink
- we must have made about 100 “deals” since being together, he will only have 8 bottles max per day, he will only drink 1 day per week..nothing ever worked
writing down all these things i am about 95% sure he is an alcoholic. a couple of years back i found some hypnotherapist advertising to help with binge-drinking, and my boyfriend even went there for a consultation, but he never went back to do the actual hypnotherapy. the guy’s a charlatan he said etc. etc.
one of the worst effects of his drinking on me is that during his solitary night time drinking he will keep me up as well. not physically but simply by being noisy, singing along to music, rattling around in the kitchen etc. (our flat is quite small).
no matter how convinced he was beforehand saying he would definitely not wake me up, he would fail. most of the time he doesn’t remember anything the next day and i will tell him. then he’ll say sorry and that’s that – until the next time.
once he feels the urge to drink he will be totally fixated and unable to think of anything else. he has no other “hobbies”. he drinks before, during and after social situations, or if he’s bored, or because it’s the weekend, or because the chain broke on his bike, or because we had an argument, or for whatever reason will seem good enough at the time.
but enough about him. ;-) i am stupid enough to be an “enabler” (a term which i had just learned about on here) – i have just truly realized all the things i had been doing wrong, like buying him beer (obviously) or waking him up for work when he would be physically unable to wake up himself, or making excuses for him if he didn’t turn up at someone’s party when he said he would.
at the moment i feel it’s too late for us, i feel so much resentment..last weekend was probably one of the worst – he went to the garage for beer twice during the night, the 2nd time 5.30 in the morning. the next day we had a really big argument, he wanted go out to buy more beer and i took all the money (to save him from himself so to speak because he was still intoxicated from the night before - like taking away the car keys if someone is unfit to drive i thought) and locked myself into the bedroom.
he broke the lock and doorframe by kicking the door. he has never done anything that drastic before..i fixed it since but the cracks in the door frame are still visible.
so the arguments are definitely escalating more. after this we hardly spoke during last week and i asked him for a “talk” 2 days ago. he said not now but tomorrow (saturday) is ok.
then yesterday he did not mention it, and i didn’t either. i thought he should be the one trying to talk to me if he wants to continue this relationship.
today i said again what about a talk next week and he said ok.
he will go to visit some family in a few weeks time and i intend to ask him not to come back.
i feel i have the strength to do that now. i have to get some distance. all his lying, deceiving, breaking promises and depriving me of sleep is not healthy for both me and our relationship.
he just went out again to get some beer because he’s “bored of drinking tea”, he asked me if he could but that was meaningless because even when i have said no in the past he still bought some. i just said it’s your decision.
and he decided to have the beer.
ok, this post was a lot longer (and more jumbled) than i had intended. it feels good to talk about all this since there is no “real life person” i can openly talk to about my boyfriend and his drinking.
thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Emily,
Welcome to SR -- sorry for the circumstances that led you here, but still so glad you found us.
If you've read around a bit and have even read the sticky posts, you've realized that there's a wealth of experience here that you can draw from at any time. It sounds like the situation at your flat is getting more and more out of control, which is typical with a progressive disease like alcoholism. The control measures you are trying (controlling money etc.) appear to only be having the effect of making him more prone to aggression and less willing to seek help for himself, and that's a somewhat dangerous combination. You mention several things you'll do to stop enabling him, and I personally feel that's a great start.
Please protect yourself, even if it means making a decision sooner than a few weeks from now (only you will know if & when you're ready for a step like that)
I'd encourage you to try to build a support network for yourself locally as well - you say that you can't talk to anyone about this. Do you have family and friends there? Are you trying to protect him by not sharing your life situation with them - are you keeping them from offering you help? Many times, living with alcoholics, we tend to isolate in this way (I know I did)
Keep posting - we're here listening.
Welcome to SR -- sorry for the circumstances that led you here, but still so glad you found us.
If you've read around a bit and have even read the sticky posts, you've realized that there's a wealth of experience here that you can draw from at any time. It sounds like the situation at your flat is getting more and more out of control, which is typical with a progressive disease like alcoholism. The control measures you are trying (controlling money etc.) appear to only be having the effect of making him more prone to aggression and less willing to seek help for himself, and that's a somewhat dangerous combination. You mention several things you'll do to stop enabling him, and I personally feel that's a great start.
Please protect yourself, even if it means making a decision sooner than a few weeks from now (only you will know if & when you're ready for a step like that)
I'd encourage you to try to build a support network for yourself locally as well - you say that you can't talk to anyone about this. Do you have family and friends there? Are you trying to protect him by not sharing your life situation with them - are you keeping them from offering you help? Many times, living with alcoholics, we tend to isolate in this way (I know I did)
Keep posting - we're here listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
The worst thing about SR is seeing posts from young people who are struggling with an alcoholic partner.
So many here have been thru years of torment for them and their children, and have finally broken free after lots of hassles and heartache.
I would hate you to go thu this sort of life, perhaps with children.
I was married for 26 years and enabled my ah to drink, also hiding all the problems from my children. This wasn't hard as he was a lovely man and a happy drunk. They were devastated when I walked out. He is now in a nursing home, due to alcohol caused dementia.
I have been enabling my abf for 17 years, and for most of that time it has been hard work.
The last 5 years have been hell. Abuse, infidelities, money hassles, and binges that lasted weeks, also the untold withdrawal misery. I finally refused any more enabling and he has been sober for a month, but I do not have any idea for how long.
You have decided to no longer enable him, but I worry over his reaction if you refuse money or help in future, as he has shown that a door won't stop him. Please take care of yourself NOW. Don't wait until it is too late.
God bless.
So many here have been thru years of torment for them and their children, and have finally broken free after lots of hassles and heartache.
I would hate you to go thu this sort of life, perhaps with children.
I was married for 26 years and enabled my ah to drink, also hiding all the problems from my children. This wasn't hard as he was a lovely man and a happy drunk. They were devastated when I walked out. He is now in a nursing home, due to alcohol caused dementia.
I have been enabling my abf for 17 years, and for most of that time it has been hard work.
The last 5 years have been hell. Abuse, infidelities, money hassles, and binges that lasted weeks, also the untold withdrawal misery. I finally refused any more enabling and he has been sober for a month, but I do not have any idea for how long.
You have decided to no longer enable him, but I worry over his reaction if you refuse money or help in future, as he has shown that a door won't stop him. Please take care of yourself NOW. Don't wait until it is too late.
God bless.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by emilystrange 
but enough about him. ;-) i am stupid enough to be an “enabler” (a term which i had just learned about on here) – i have just truly realized all the things i had been doing wrong, like buying him beer (obviously) or waking him up for work when he would be physically unable to wake up himself, or making excuses for him if he didn’t turn up at someone’s party when he said he would.
You are on the right track here. The flip side of trying to control others is to let others control you. I am not going to force an alcoholic to live his life around my sobriety, nor will I let him run my life around his drinking. Don't let him run your life around his drinking.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Woodland, CA
Posts: 27
Welcome,
I am relatively new myself. I can relate to your story. Especially the loud wanderings in the night. We have two small children and there is a chime on all of our doors so we can hear if a door opens. My AH wanders around and steps outside to smoke several times during the night. Everytime I hear that chime I wake up. I can't tell you the last time I've gotten a good night's sleep. He doesn't seem to have any regard for whether I'm sleeping or not.
You sound like you are well aware that there is a problem and you are ready to make some positive steps for yourself. As someone who continues to struggle in a relationship (and one who is still here even though I should have left him a year ago!) I urge you to go to an Alanon meeting. I have just begun to go and it has helped me a tremendous amount and has been instrumental in putting my focus and energy where it should be - on myself and my children.
Please take good care of YOURSELF! There are many kind and wise people here. It is a good place to find information and support.
Be Well
Barbara
I am relatively new myself. I can relate to your story. Especially the loud wanderings in the night. We have two small children and there is a chime on all of our doors so we can hear if a door opens. My AH wanders around and steps outside to smoke several times during the night. Everytime I hear that chime I wake up. I can't tell you the last time I've gotten a good night's sleep. He doesn't seem to have any regard for whether I'm sleeping or not.
You sound like you are well aware that there is a problem and you are ready to make some positive steps for yourself. As someone who continues to struggle in a relationship (and one who is still here even though I should have left him a year ago!) I urge you to go to an Alanon meeting. I have just begun to go and it has helped me a tremendous amount and has been instrumental in putting my focus and energy where it should be - on myself and my children.
Please take good care of YOURSELF! There are many kind and wise people here. It is a good place to find information and support.
Be Well
Barbara
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
thank you everyone for your support. :-)
although i do have family here i don’t think i could tell them about my boyfriend’s drinking. they would just tell me to leave him and i know that’s what i should be doing anyway. also i don’t want my mum to worry about me really..
as for friends i don’t really have any where i live because i have lived in another country most of my adult life and just moved back recently.
my boyfriend is quite a happy drunk as well normally – that is if he’s out with his mates etc. who drink as much as he does. when with me i’m sure he must feel the resentment so he turns into a more selfish and opinionated drunk. so i guess if i was happy with his drinking then we wouldn’t have a problem. ;-)
i have just checked on the internet and found an alanon support group, maybe i will find the courage to go there one day.
the hardest part about letting him go is knowing that he can be such a lovely person – caring, considerate, attentive – and it seems like a total disregard of all his potential.
i have a feeling that i will be haunted by this “good side” when finally leaving him, though not present all too often but still powerful enough to blank out all the bad at times.
lately i have been writing down all the bad things as they happened and his alcohol consumption as if to hang onto that should i ever forget in the future why i wanted to be on my own. it’s just hard to know that he loves me and i love him and yet there is no way we can be together like this. well we could but than i would just be a puppet fixated on his drink and not my own life, goals, plans and aspirations.
thanks again for listening.
although i do have family here i don’t think i could tell them about my boyfriend’s drinking. they would just tell me to leave him and i know that’s what i should be doing anyway. also i don’t want my mum to worry about me really..
as for friends i don’t really have any where i live because i have lived in another country most of my adult life and just moved back recently.
my boyfriend is quite a happy drunk as well normally – that is if he’s out with his mates etc. who drink as much as he does. when with me i’m sure he must feel the resentment so he turns into a more selfish and opinionated drunk. so i guess if i was happy with his drinking then we wouldn’t have a problem. ;-)
i have just checked on the internet and found an alanon support group, maybe i will find the courage to go there one day.
the hardest part about letting him go is knowing that he can be such a lovely person – caring, considerate, attentive – and it seems like a total disregard of all his potential.
i have a feeling that i will be haunted by this “good side” when finally leaving him, though not present all too often but still powerful enough to blank out all the bad at times.
lately i have been writing down all the bad things as they happened and his alcohol consumption as if to hang onto that should i ever forget in the future why i wanted to be on my own. it’s just hard to know that he loves me and i love him and yet there is no way we can be together like this. well we could but than i would just be a puppet fixated on his drink and not my own life, goals, plans and aspirations.
thanks again for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi emily,
Yes, it's always such a sad situation, and I hope that you are able to find your way through it in a way that keeps your hopes and dreams and goals intact. It's so difficult when our happiness is tied up in his/her "potential" - I remember those days and I just didn't know what to do with myself. In case you haven't read it yet, you may be interested in this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Wishing you luck and strength to do what's right for you.
GL
Yes, it's always such a sad situation, and I hope that you are able to find your way through it in a way that keeps your hopes and dreams and goals intact. It's so difficult when our happiness is tied up in his/her "potential" - I remember those days and I just didn't know what to do with myself. In case you haven't read it yet, you may be interested in this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Wishing you luck and strength to do what's right for you.
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Originally Posted by emilystrange;
the hardest part about letting him go is knowing that he can be such a lovely person – caring, considerate, attentive – and it seems like a total disregard of all his potential.
The problem is not what he can be, or his potential to be: the problem is that where you are concerned he is not caring, considerate, attentive to YOU.
He may be a "happy drunk" to his drinking buddies, but it is you he lives with, not them. You are the one copping a "selfish and opinionated drunk", someone who keeps you awake, ignores your needs, calls you names and smashes doors.
If he tried this rubbish with his buddies, he'd lose them fast.
The only person who can stop this rotten behavior, is him.
The only person who can stop you putting up with it, is you.
God bless.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Here's a re-post of something I posted previously that might be helpful:
"But he has such potential." "When he's not drinking he's the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know." These are phrases I hear often on SR and two I used for many years until I was able to chip away my layers of denial and see my situation for what it really was.
In his book, "The Gift of Fear," Gavin DeBecker addressed this issue in a way I thought might be useful to others on this forum, so I'll share it here:
One of the most common errors in selecting a boyfriend or spouse is basing the prediction on potential. This is actually predicting what certain elements might add up to in some different context: He isn't working now, but he could be really successful. He's going to be a great artist--of course he can't paint under present circumstances. He's a little edgy and aggressive these days, but that's just until he gets settled.
Listen to the words: isn't working; can't paint; is aggressive. What a person is doing now is the context for successful predictions, and marrying a man on the basis of potential, or for that matter hiring an employee solely on the basis of potential, is a sure way to interfere with intiution. That's because the focus on potential carries our imagination to how things might be or could be and away from how they are now.
Spousal abuse is comitted by people who are with remarkable frequency described by their victims as having been "the sweetest, the gentlest, the kindest, the most attentive," etc. Indeed, many were all of these things during the selection process and often still are--between violent incidents.
But even though these men are frequently kind and gentle in the beginning, there are always warning signs. Victims, however, may not always choose to detect them. I made these points on a recent television interview, and a young woman called in and said, "You're wrong, there's no way you can tell when a man will turn out to be violent. It just happens out of no where." She went on to describe how her ex-husband, an avid collector of weapons, became possessive immediately after her marriage, made her account for all of her time, didn't allow her to have a car, and frequently displayed jealously.
Could these things be warning signs?
In continuing her description of this awful man, she said, "His first wife died as a result of beatings he gave her."
Could that have been a warning sign? But people don't see the signs, maybe because our process of falling in love is in large measure the process of choosing not to see faults, and that requires some denial. This denial is doubtless necessary in a culture that glorifies the kind of romance that leads young couples to rush to get married in spite of all the reasons they shouldn't, and fifty-year-old men to follow what is euphemistically called their hearts into relationships with their young secretaries and out of relationships with their middle-aged wives. This is, frankly, the kind of romance that leads to more failed relationships than successful ones.
The issue of selection and choice brings to mind the important work of psychologist Nathaniel Branden, author of "Honoring the Self." He tells of the woman who says: "I have the worst luck with men. Over and over again, I find myself in these relationships with men who are abusive. I just have the worst luck." Luck has very little to do with it, because the glaringly common characteristic of each of this woman's relationships is her. My observations about selection are offered to enlighten victims, not to blame them, for I don't believe that violence is a fair penality for bad choices. But I do believe they are choices.
- Gavin DeBecker, "The Gift of Fear"
Powerful stuff and tons of useful information for anyone who's ever made poor relationship choices now or previously. This should be on the top of every woman's reading list.
"But he has such potential." "When he's not drinking he's the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know." These are phrases I hear often on SR and two I used for many years until I was able to chip away my layers of denial and see my situation for what it really was.
In his book, "The Gift of Fear," Gavin DeBecker addressed this issue in a way I thought might be useful to others on this forum, so I'll share it here:
One of the most common errors in selecting a boyfriend or spouse is basing the prediction on potential. This is actually predicting what certain elements might add up to in some different context: He isn't working now, but he could be really successful. He's going to be a great artist--of course he can't paint under present circumstances. He's a little edgy and aggressive these days, but that's just until he gets settled.
Listen to the words: isn't working; can't paint; is aggressive. What a person is doing now is the context for successful predictions, and marrying a man on the basis of potential, or for that matter hiring an employee solely on the basis of potential, is a sure way to interfere with intiution. That's because the focus on potential carries our imagination to how things might be or could be and away from how they are now.
Spousal abuse is comitted by people who are with remarkable frequency described by their victims as having been "the sweetest, the gentlest, the kindest, the most attentive," etc. Indeed, many were all of these things during the selection process and often still are--between violent incidents.
But even though these men are frequently kind and gentle in the beginning, there are always warning signs. Victims, however, may not always choose to detect them. I made these points on a recent television interview, and a young woman called in and said, "You're wrong, there's no way you can tell when a man will turn out to be violent. It just happens out of no where." She went on to describe how her ex-husband, an avid collector of weapons, became possessive immediately after her marriage, made her account for all of her time, didn't allow her to have a car, and frequently displayed jealously.
Could these things be warning signs?
In continuing her description of this awful man, she said, "His first wife died as a result of beatings he gave her."
Could that have been a warning sign? But people don't see the signs, maybe because our process of falling in love is in large measure the process of choosing not to see faults, and that requires some denial. This denial is doubtless necessary in a culture that glorifies the kind of romance that leads young couples to rush to get married in spite of all the reasons they shouldn't, and fifty-year-old men to follow what is euphemistically called their hearts into relationships with their young secretaries and out of relationships with their middle-aged wives. This is, frankly, the kind of romance that leads to more failed relationships than successful ones.
The issue of selection and choice brings to mind the important work of psychologist Nathaniel Branden, author of "Honoring the Self." He tells of the woman who says: "I have the worst luck with men. Over and over again, I find myself in these relationships with men who are abusive. I just have the worst luck." Luck has very little to do with it, because the glaringly common characteristic of each of this woman's relationships is her. My observations about selection are offered to enlighten victims, not to blame them, for I don't believe that violence is a fair penality for bad choices. But I do believe they are choices.
- Gavin DeBecker, "The Gift of Fear"
Powerful stuff and tons of useful information for anyone who's ever made poor relationship choices now or previously. This should be on the top of every woman's reading list.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
"But he has such potential." "When he's not drinking he's the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know." These are phrases I hear often on SR and two I used for many years until I was able to chip away my layers of denial and see my situation for what it really was.
Welcome Emily, you've found a great site full of support here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
Thank you all for this useful information, like the thread on potential..it's good to have your eyes opened after trying in vain to catch an illusion, like trying to catch a rainbow.
also thanks jadmack for your blunt and straightforward words - just what i need to hear after listening to my own inner voice telling me ifs, whens and coulds.
also thanks jadmack for your blunt and straightforward words - just what i need to hear after listening to my own inner voice telling me ifs, whens and coulds.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
i did try to sit him down the other day and tell him my decision - that i don't want him to come back after his holiday until he's sorted himself out.
he said something along the lines that he understands that but also that he wouldn't know where to go to.
then he said he will try (i really hate that word now) to only drink one day in 2 weeks which is what i had told him before i could probably live with.
so i said ok, since there is now a real deadline (2 weeks from now) thinking that if he only drinks ONE more day before he's off on holiday then i will definitely go through with it.
i am probably too weak, and i don't know why i even bother giving him yet another chance, i know it's wrong.
today while cleaning up i found yet another empty bottle (i wasn't even looking for it, i just hit it with the hoover when hoovering under the bed) which wasn't there last time i was hoovering, so it's only a couple of days old.
this means he was lying to me yet again.
i told him that i found the bottle which was probably not the right thing to do either. he said (surprise surprise) he doesn't remember when it's from.
or that he put it here.
which i think is another big lie since the most he drank on 1 day (since i last hoovered ;-)) was 6 beers, and i don't think he would have had a blackout from that (unless that's possible?)
anyway just needed to get that off my chest. still the good thing is i don't feel half as bad as would would have done before first coming to this site. :-)
he said something along the lines that he understands that but also that he wouldn't know where to go to.
then he said he will try (i really hate that word now) to only drink one day in 2 weeks which is what i had told him before i could probably live with.
so i said ok, since there is now a real deadline (2 weeks from now) thinking that if he only drinks ONE more day before he's off on holiday then i will definitely go through with it.
i am probably too weak, and i don't know why i even bother giving him yet another chance, i know it's wrong.
today while cleaning up i found yet another empty bottle (i wasn't even looking for it, i just hit it with the hoover when hoovering under the bed) which wasn't there last time i was hoovering, so it's only a couple of days old.
this means he was lying to me yet again.
i told him that i found the bottle which was probably not the right thing to do either. he said (surprise surprise) he doesn't remember when it's from.
or that he put it here.
which i think is another big lie since the most he drank on 1 day (since i last hoovered ;-)) was 6 beers, and i don't think he would have had a blackout from that (unless that's possible?)
anyway just needed to get that off my chest. still the good thing is i don't feel half as bad as would would have done before first coming to this site. :-)
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
[QUOTE=emilystrange;1973347]
then he said he will try (i really hate that word now) to only drink one day in 2 weeks which is what i had told him before i could probably live with.
so i said ok, since there is now a real deadline (2 weeks from now) thinking that if he only drinks ONE more day before he's off on holiday then i will definitely go through with it.
QUOTE]
I have been there, trying to "compromise" the drinking, which for me, was another way I was trying to control the other person. It wouldve worked, except, my ex boyfriend is a true alcoholic. If he was physically capable or wanted to only drink one day in 2 weeks, he would've already done so.
It is a physical or mental or maybe emotional (or all ) compulsion. Unless these compulsions are replaced by other behaviors which is a LOT LOT LOT of hard work (see below, i speak from experience) and effort, it will continue. Read about addiction. keep posting, keep researching the subject. Addicts and alcoholics do not stop unless THEY want to, and generally unless they are in some sort of recovery -program-, that they are actively working on.
just as he had a compulsion to alcohol, it was a compulsion for me to do things feeding my obession of him or our relationship. to try to figure out if he was or wasnt lying about his drinking, try to figure out if he was or wasnt spending me, or looking for other ways to reassure or question the validity of our relationship because i was codependent, and got my reassurance regarding love from him but the alcohol brought confusion so i was compulsively trying to find ways to clarify this confusion and make myself feel loved by him.
i hope this makes sense.
Good luck to you. i remember being there in the "i think" stages, and its hard. i wish i could say it gets better, but living with an alcoholic is hard, and so is living without one, sometimes. i hope by working on myself it will get easier, as it has for a lot of people in recovery.
then he said he will try (i really hate that word now) to only drink one day in 2 weeks which is what i had told him before i could probably live with.
so i said ok, since there is now a real deadline (2 weeks from now) thinking that if he only drinks ONE more day before he's off on holiday then i will definitely go through with it.
QUOTE]
I have been there, trying to "compromise" the drinking, which for me, was another way I was trying to control the other person. It wouldve worked, except, my ex boyfriend is a true alcoholic. If he was physically capable or wanted to only drink one day in 2 weeks, he would've already done so.
It is a physical or mental or maybe emotional (or all ) compulsion. Unless these compulsions are replaced by other behaviors which is a LOT LOT LOT of hard work (see below, i speak from experience) and effort, it will continue. Read about addiction. keep posting, keep researching the subject. Addicts and alcoholics do not stop unless THEY want to, and generally unless they are in some sort of recovery -program-, that they are actively working on.
just as he had a compulsion to alcohol, it was a compulsion for me to do things feeding my obession of him or our relationship. to try to figure out if he was or wasnt lying about his drinking, try to figure out if he was or wasnt spending me, or looking for other ways to reassure or question the validity of our relationship because i was codependent, and got my reassurance regarding love from him but the alcohol brought confusion so i was compulsively trying to find ways to clarify this confusion and make myself feel loved by him.
i hope this makes sense.
Good luck to you. i remember being there in the "i think" stages, and its hard. i wish i could say it gets better, but living with an alcoholic is hard, and so is living without one, sometimes. i hope by working on myself it will get easier, as it has for a lot of people in recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
So glad you weren't upset for my "blunt and straightforward words". I guess reading posts from young people at the start of problem alcoholic relationships, causes some reaction in me. Whether it is an, "OH NO! She has her life in front of her and can be SAVED from the future misery", or a sort of Mum instinct, like trying to stop a daughter making the same mistakes I made, I don't know. Sometimes wish I could have a rerun of my life, knowing as I do now, what signs and clues to watch out for and get away before being sucked in. Can't do that but can give a small helping hand to others who may be heading down the same rocky road I have travelled.
There are no road maps for going that road, only stories and experiences to be shared from those fellow travellers who have gone that way before.
Some have hit a few bumps and turned back before too much damage.
Some have continued on and reached the end battered and bruised, determined to avoid that road in future.
Others have had so many pit stops for flat tyres and break downs that we are still on it and battling our way to the end.
A few keep going that same route, over and over again despite it being so difficult and dangerous.
Everyone has their own reasons for how they travel thru life, and which road they take.
Hope you travel a smoother and safer road from now on and have a happy time travelling.
God bless
There are no road maps for going that road, only stories and experiences to be shared from those fellow travellers who have gone that way before.
Some have hit a few bumps and turned back before too much damage.
Some have continued on and reached the end battered and bruised, determined to avoid that road in future.
Others have had so many pit stops for flat tyres and break downs that we are still on it and battling our way to the end.
A few keep going that same route, over and over again despite it being so difficult and dangerous.
Everyone has their own reasons for how they travel thru life, and which road they take.
Hope you travel a smoother and safer road from now on and have a happy time travelling.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
thanks jadmack. i like your analogy of the roads..i feel like i'm on a particularly long and winding road right now as well when i just want to fast-forward.
you know the saying the journey is the reward? i think this is a very true (buddhist?) saying though i don't much feel like being rewarded at the moment..but i will not pity myself (those days are over).
i know that sometime (hopefully sooner rather than later) there will be a time when i'm able to enjoy the here and now again and everything will be just right.
you know the saying the journey is the reward? i think this is a very true (buddhist?) saying though i don't much feel like being rewarded at the moment..but i will not pity myself (those days are over).
i know that sometime (hopefully sooner rather than later) there will be a time when i'm able to enjoy the here and now again and everything will be just right.
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