New to this site but not to a drug addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northeast of Philadelphia
Posts: 17
New to this site but not to a drug addict
45 years old, with three kids and one granddaughter.
My present husband raised my oldest since she was three.
We've been married 18 years.
11 years in I had a brief affair. It was over before it started
and my husband forgave me and took me back.
Three years ago my husband walked out the back door and
didn't come back til the next day. I was completely blindsided
and in shock. He was doing drugs. We checked him into the
hospital, but there wasn't anything or anybody that was keeping
him there. He told me that it was a "one time thing" and it will
never happen again. Now you all know that was a lie. Three
years later and 7 more times I've caught him (not including the
times I didn't catch him) we are right back at the beginning. This
weekend was MY breaking point. I called a lawyer and told him
I wanted a divorce. I don't know what to do. He is back at his
meetings, called his sponsor, and SWEARS this is it. He's too old
and tired to do this to himself anymore. He says he's embarrassed
infront of his kids and doesn't want to see that sad look on my
face anymore. Well, thats all fine and good, but I think I am done.
I feel hurt, I am passed the anger, I feel numb.
I have to ask everyone who will read this: Am I being selfish to
NOT want to be involved in his recovery?? We have a nice home,
enough money, even enough where I didn't see it missing when
he did the drugs. I hate everything about meetings, sponsors,
workbooks, 12 steps, etc. I don't want to have x addicts over
for dinner, I hate alanon, I got nothing out of that in the past.
Any suggestions, advice??
My present husband raised my oldest since she was three.
We've been married 18 years.
11 years in I had a brief affair. It was over before it started
and my husband forgave me and took me back.
Three years ago my husband walked out the back door and
didn't come back til the next day. I was completely blindsided
and in shock. He was doing drugs. We checked him into the
hospital, but there wasn't anything or anybody that was keeping
him there. He told me that it was a "one time thing" and it will
never happen again. Now you all know that was a lie. Three
years later and 7 more times I've caught him (not including the
times I didn't catch him) we are right back at the beginning. This
weekend was MY breaking point. I called a lawyer and told him
I wanted a divorce. I don't know what to do. He is back at his
meetings, called his sponsor, and SWEARS this is it. He's too old
and tired to do this to himself anymore. He says he's embarrassed
infront of his kids and doesn't want to see that sad look on my
face anymore. Well, thats all fine and good, but I think I am done.
I feel hurt, I am passed the anger, I feel numb.
I have to ask everyone who will read this: Am I being selfish to
NOT want to be involved in his recovery?? We have a nice home,
enough money, even enough where I didn't see it missing when
he did the drugs. I hate everything about meetings, sponsors,
workbooks, 12 steps, etc. I don't want to have x addicts over
for dinner, I hate alanon, I got nothing out of that in the past.
Any suggestions, advice??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bellasnona)))
Welcome to SR!
I don't think you're wrong about not wanting to be involved in his recovery. For most of us, when we're done, we're done.
Al-anon isn't for everyone, although it helps many. You will get a lot of ES&H (experience, strength and hope) from people here.
I understand the anger, but it usually just one step in the stages of grief. Even when we're DONE, we still have to deal with all the feelings that go along with it...feeling betrayed by someone we love, having been lied to, etc. Some of us deny those feelings, only to have them come back years later. SR is a good place to come with whatever you're feeling, because someone will have been there themselves.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I'm glad you're here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR!
I don't think you're wrong about not wanting to be involved in his recovery. For most of us, when we're done, we're done.
Al-anon isn't for everyone, although it helps many. You will get a lot of ES&H (experience, strength and hope) from people here.
I understand the anger, but it usually just one step in the stages of grief. Even when we're DONE, we still have to deal with all the feelings that go along with it...feeling betrayed by someone we love, having been lied to, etc. Some of us deny those feelings, only to have them come back years later. SR is a good place to come with whatever you're feeling, because someone will have been there themselves.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but I'm glad you're here.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I didn't even know about the addiction until after I said I wanted a divorce, but it turned out - it didn't matter. I was done. I do think when we're done we're done.
Amy made a good point, even when you're at the finish line, there are still 18 years of feelings, good & bad, that will come up to be dealt with.
For me, I chose (choose? I forget the o oo rule) to let myself be guided and supported thru my process, even when some of the guidance I didn't think I'd like or need. But in one way or another, they all helped - sometimes by elimination of a being helpful. I had, and still have a mix; friends, family, NA meetings, a few alanon meetings, SR (of course), reading and individual therapy. At first, I was more than a bit resistant. I had just spent 13 years trying to make a marriage work, and then I found out I never had a chance, so it seemed "unfair" to me that I still had work to do - for myself. But, I wouldn't change a thing now. The journey hasn't been easy, but it has been life-changing, in a very good way.
Welcome. I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but I hope that you will stick around.
Amy made a good point, even when you're at the finish line, there are still 18 years of feelings, good & bad, that will come up to be dealt with.
For me, I chose (choose? I forget the o oo rule) to let myself be guided and supported thru my process, even when some of the guidance I didn't think I'd like or need. But in one way or another, they all helped - sometimes by elimination of a being helpful. I had, and still have a mix; friends, family, NA meetings, a few alanon meetings, SR (of course), reading and individual therapy. At first, I was more than a bit resistant. I had just spent 13 years trying to make a marriage work, and then I found out I never had a chance, so it seemed "unfair" to me that I still had work to do - for myself. But, I wouldn't change a thing now. The journey hasn't been easy, but it has been life-changing, in a very good way.
Welcome. I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but I hope that you will stick around.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Welcome!
I am sorry for you. I can understand your anger and resentment. But whether you divorce him or not, you will have to deal with those feelings eventually. I wish that for you even if you have to do that somewhere other than Alanon. I really had to smile at "I hate everything about meetings, sponsors, workbooks, 12 steps, etc. I don't want to have x addicts over for dinner, I hate alanon" :ghug2
I am sorry for you. I can understand your anger and resentment. But whether you divorce him or not, you will have to deal with those feelings eventually. I wish that for you even if you have to do that somewhere other than Alanon. I really had to smile at "I hate everything about meetings, sponsors, workbooks, 12 steps, etc. I don't want to have x addicts over for dinner, I hate alanon" :ghug2
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northeast of Philadelphia
Posts: 17
Thank you
Thanks for your encouragement. I didn't know where to turn. You can only cry to your friends so much and they stop picking up the phone. I cry everyday, I've let the anger go, its useless. Two days of anger is plenty for me. My kids don't need to see me angry, they need me stable. So now I am doing as much as I can for myself. Well, not for myself, but by myself. The chores that my husband does around the house have become mine. Even the garbage, god I hate that. I am still checking his phone records, pockets, lunch luggage, etc. Does that mean I still care?? This is all too much for my brain. And to top it all off I am not that great of a cook so everyone is paying dearly around here. Even tho I've never met anyone on here I feel the positive energy. I think thats why I just started typing and telling my story. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
as far as checking his phone, pockets, etc. I think it's a way to validate what you're feeling....if you find something you can say "see, I told you so!!!!" Unfortunately, with an addict, you can catch them red-handed and they will STILL probably lie or make up something.
Your brain will only take on so much, and then it will go kinda numb for a bit. It's the body's survival mechanism. It doesn't last forever, but just be aware it may happen. Most people function just fine, but get worried because they're not stressed out, all of a sudden. It's like one day you're ready to rip his head off, the next you could care less what he does. Then you go back to angry. We call it the "rollercoaster", and we've all been through it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Your brain will only take on so much, and then it will go kinda numb for a bit. It's the body's survival mechanism. It doesn't last forever, but just be aware it may happen. Most people function just fine, but get worried because they're not stressed out, all of a sudden. It's like one day you're ready to rip his head off, the next you could care less what he does. Then you go back to angry. We call it the "rollercoaster", and we've all been through it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Hopefully, eventually being the detective will stop. We definitely have all gone thru it, or are still going thru it. For me, the best thing that has been pounded in my head - try to not obsess or wallow. I can't say I've always managed, my biggest turning point was the time he asked me to fold his shirts like that was reaching out to me. At that moment, I could laugh at how ridiculous our relationship had gotten, and everyone else joined in with me. It was cathardic. That was my turning point. I think we all have them, hopefully you will have yours too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My addict is my daughter. I have played detective many times in the past (and have slipped a couple of times recently
). It has never changed a thing except my mental health. An addict will do what an addict will do. You have a choice to stay or go. But meetings are a good place to start as is reading this forum and learning as much as you can about addiction. Hugs, Marle
). It has never changed a thing except my mental health. An addict will do what an addict will do. You have a choice to stay or go. But meetings are a good place to start as is reading this forum and learning as much as you can about addiction. Hugs, Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northeast of Philadelphia
Posts: 17
Just an update. I needed to vent. Went to the lawyer yesterday, things aren't as bad as I thought. Turns out the bad market is my benefit. Still don't know what to do, the more I read here the more I feel like divorce is my only salvation. I truely love my husband, but I don't see the man I married. He's definitely not around anymore. Mentally I don't think I can stand another relapse. My AH doesn't seemed bothered to much about my consultation and that worries me too. Maybe he really does want out of the marriage and just doesn't want to admit it. Or maybe he's just really good at hiding his feelings. You think you know someone after 20 years and turns out you know nothing. Thanks for listening everyone, it really helps to let it out here
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
BN - Wow, that must have hurt that he doesn't seem bothered by your lawer consult. When I read that, a few things popped in my head...
First, he doesn't believe you'll really do anything. You haven't before, and now he's clean, why would you?
Also, I heard a manipulation. Goes with the above. How are you reacting to this non-reaction? How have you reacted in the past to something like this?
For whatever, if anything, it's worth - those were my first reactions to what I read.
(((hugs))) - whatever you do, it's not easy.
First, he doesn't believe you'll really do anything. You haven't before, and now he's clean, why would you?
Also, I heard a manipulation. Goes with the above. How are you reacting to this non-reaction? How have you reacted in the past to something like this?
For whatever, if anything, it's worth - those were my first reactions to what I read.
(((hugs))) - whatever you do, it's not easy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northeast of Philadelphia
Posts: 17
I don't react. I just go on my way and do my daily thing. Your right, I've never gone to a lawyer before, this is a first. If anything I thought he would be bothered cause he stands to loose alot. House, lots of money, kids, etc. Ah the mind of an addict, NO THANKS.
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