Me, inflexible?
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
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Me, inflexible?
Sitting on our back porch last night after work, my Wife turned to me after I had finished commenting on my day and said in a kind and loving voice that I was at times, inflexible. She paused and went on to describe my inflexibility. For once, I did not interrupt, but instead I listened intensely. After she finished, I was stunned, because every word was the truth. No one alive knows me better than Elsa. To say that I have moments of pure and unadulterated insanity would be kind; I can be completely intolerant and petulant without regard, but inflexible? Me, inflexible?
She said that I usually formed a strict representation of a person; what I think that person is and how they should be and I literally cast that person permanently into that form or position. So when that individual does anything outside the norm, I am immediately conflicted because they no longer fit into my portrayal that I have so cunning crafted. This behavior was one of my Mother’s; to say I despised it would be an understatement. The rigidity and intolerance coupled with personal perfectionism that my Mother displayed for years was a horror show on wheels and I would have gladly picked intoxication rather than live in a world so studded with the fear and hate .
I swore I would never be like her and for over 35 years I almost effectively purged myself of her taint; more truthfully I began to see the destructive traits and worked to live more freely by turning my will and life over to the care of something greater. Now, much to my chagrin, I am once again falling into the patterns most disgusting to me. I am not offended by my Wife’s love extended in this conversation; I am stunned that I have moved backwards in my New Life. OK, so some of the symptoms where there; denial, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, but to my thinking they were as transient as anything else and simply part of normal living. No, I had cracked open the door to self and here I am now, Mr. Ass****.
I have been pissed off again at most everything in life. Those closest in my life has caught the sharp edge of my tongue and I have finally found myself once again in my own analogue; standing in a parking lot of an employer Funeral Home in 1999, I thought everyone around me was wrong. Moments later, I realized that it was me that was the culprit and one would think that after having this spiritual awakening I would be more prepared when it reared its ugly head again. I was not, because I had rested on my laurels.
Peace is returning and I am looking at how I can once again let God be God and me be me. This is not easy, especially when my sense of “right” gets in the way. A New Life is much more than the simple beginning of not drinking one day at a time. As I learn more I will write. I am a lucky man today.
She said that I usually formed a strict representation of a person; what I think that person is and how they should be and I literally cast that person permanently into that form or position. So when that individual does anything outside the norm, I am immediately conflicted because they no longer fit into my portrayal that I have so cunning crafted. This behavior was one of my Mother’s; to say I despised it would be an understatement. The rigidity and intolerance coupled with personal perfectionism that my Mother displayed for years was a horror show on wheels and I would have gladly picked intoxication rather than live in a world so studded with the fear and hate .
I swore I would never be like her and for over 35 years I almost effectively purged myself of her taint; more truthfully I began to see the destructive traits and worked to live more freely by turning my will and life over to the care of something greater. Now, much to my chagrin, I am once again falling into the patterns most disgusting to me. I am not offended by my Wife’s love extended in this conversation; I am stunned that I have moved backwards in my New Life. OK, so some of the symptoms where there; denial, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, but to my thinking they were as transient as anything else and simply part of normal living. No, I had cracked open the door to self and here I am now, Mr. Ass****.
I have been pissed off again at most everything in life. Those closest in my life has caught the sharp edge of my tongue and I have finally found myself once again in my own analogue; standing in a parking lot of an employer Funeral Home in 1999, I thought everyone around me was wrong. Moments later, I realized that it was me that was the culprit and one would think that after having this spiritual awakening I would be more prepared when it reared its ugly head again. I was not, because I had rested on my laurels.
Peace is returning and I am looking at how I can once again let God be God and me be me. This is not easy, especially when my sense of “right” gets in the way. A New Life is much more than the simple beginning of not drinking one day at a time. As I learn more I will write. I am a lucky man today.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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You could have been talking about my mother and me!
I was around a year sober when I said something to my oldest daughter, can't recall exactly what it was, but it hit me like a ton of bricks that I sounded exactly like my mother, and not in a good way.
The rigidity/inflexibility was also the thing that I despised the most in my mother, and it was incredibly painful to realize I had become her, and I was sober!
It was also very freeing because I could move on from then.
I too have had that come up and bite me in the butt when I've become complacent, so don't beat yourself up.
We strive for progress my friend, not perfection. :ghug2
I was around a year sober when I said something to my oldest daughter, can't recall exactly what it was, but it hit me like a ton of bricks that I sounded exactly like my mother, and not in a good way.
The rigidity/inflexibility was also the thing that I despised the most in my mother, and it was incredibly painful to realize I had become her, and I was sober!
It was also very freeing because I could move on from then.
I too have had that come up and bite me in the butt when I've become complacent, so don't beat yourself up.
We strive for progress my friend, not perfection. :ghug2
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Dunno if you come from an alcoholic home, but rigid thikning is one of the symptoms. And like you, in my mind, I have 'things' that have to be done 'this way' and expectations that people should be 'this way.' I am also either a chronic inforcer of 'rules' or I completely ignore them.
I suppose being alcoholics, we created alcoholic homes too.
An example of rigid thinking in me is my daughter's bedtime is 9.30pm and I can get quite fixated on the idea that she has to be in bed at 9.30. Not 9.40, 9.33 or 9.35, 9.30. I mean really, what the hell is a couple of minutes? But it really seems like heaps when I am on a roll!
I suppose being alcoholics, we created alcoholic homes too.
An example of rigid thinking in me is my daughter's bedtime is 9.30pm and I can get quite fixated on the idea that she has to be in bed at 9.30. Not 9.40, 9.33 or 9.35, 9.30. I mean really, what the hell is a couple of minutes? But it really seems like heaps when I am on a roll!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Love to you Rufus as I have your permission to post on your threads, much to the chagrin of your peers. It seems no matter how hard we try we emulate the ones who raised us we fall short. It does not mean that we are moving backwards, it only means the path forward is littered with more debris than we anticipated.
Your tongue while sharp may only be a weapon if you choose to wield it, your attachment to past indiscretions become barriers to the new life which you seek.
As peace returns and serenity becomes commonplace you will find much to do about nothing. Your tongue is not a worthy adversary. Peace to you and Elsa.
Your tongue while sharp may only be a weapon if you choose to wield it, your attachment to past indiscretions become barriers to the new life which you seek.
As peace returns and serenity becomes commonplace you will find much to do about nothing. Your tongue is not a worthy adversary. Peace to you and Elsa.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Great share Rufus, it demonstrates to me some one who is working a good program and is continually and honestly working on ones self.
I see the same thing in myself at times. The important thing Rufus which you have done is to acknowledge it and are taking actions to change.
This is one of the great things I have found due to having taken the steps, I am able to accept critisism from those that know me and care for me and to take my own inventory and change where I need to change.
The steps have given me the ability to admit I am wrong and instead of making snide remarks, or getting a resentment against the person who pointed out I was wrong, I am able to work on changing me.
I am stunned that I have moved backwards in my New Life. OK, so some of the symptoms where there; denial, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, but to my thinking they were as transient as anything else and simply part of normal living. No, I had cracked open the door to self and here I am now, Mr. Ass****.
This is one of the great things I have found due to having taken the steps, I am able to accept critisism from those that know me and care for me and to take my own inventory and change where I need to change.
The steps have given me the ability to admit I am wrong and instead of making snide remarks, or getting a resentment against the person who pointed out I was wrong, I am able to work on changing me.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,904
being too rigid is a trademark of alcoholics.It has been in my case.My second sponsor brought it to my attention one day.Who me?Rigid?
Of course he was right.The more rigid I am,the less happy I am,the more flexible I am,the happier I am.
Thanks for bring this up Ron.
Today,I will try to be more flexible
Of course he was right.The more rigid I am,the less happy I am,the more flexible I am,the happier I am.
Thanks for bring this up Ron.
Today,I will try to be more flexible
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
one would think that after having this spiritual awakening I would be more prepared when it reared its ugly head again. I was not, because I had rested on my laurels.
9-11-2001 was a busy day for me. A horrible day beyond imagine. I won't get into the details but I couldn't phone an AA member if I wanted to. I had no human power around me. After being on my feet for well over 24 hours it was my turn to go to the armory and unload. Just outside there was a group of guys in a circle laughing and carrying on. I could use a good laugh...
They were gathered around a Keg that had been procured
A frightening thought entered my mind ( you deserve this after what you have been through and seen!)
A buddy of mine invited me over, I politely refused, found a place to be alone and began praying. I asked God to remove this obsession to drink ( it was all I was thinking about at almost 12 years!). During my prayer I saw in my minds eye the trail that lead me to this feeling. It was not the Taliban, nor my ex wife, nor any pompous AA people! It was me, years ago in a church basement, my resentment was still there. And it only existed because I rested. I cut the chord that day to that resentment. I eventually made it back to AA, found a sponsor, and found peace
Day One's Can RIP!!!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Far & Wide
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Thank you so much for that honest, heartfelt post, Rufus. I often find myself falling into the exact trap you've described without even realizing it. That's why I need to stay close to AA . . . . I need that constant reminder to be the person I'm supposed to be . . . not the person my dangerous mind tells me that I am.
Thank you so much for that honest, heartfelt post, Rufus. I often find myself falling into the exact trap you've described without even realizing it. That's why I need to stay close to AA . . . . I need that constant reminder to be the person I'm supposed to be . . . not the person my dangerous mind tells me that I am.
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Steve,
Your post was one of the most clear I have read since coming to SR. Taking nothing away from the many good folks here or their experiences this post today made sense in a way few have.
I can go on and on, but suffice to say this, I am responsible to contact God, not the other way around, I am responibile to pull my head out of those dark places that I tend to go, I am responsible to know that this too shall pass. It is also easier, far easier if I do not do any of this alone.
Thank you for your powerful response my friend.
Your post was one of the most clear I have read since coming to SR. Taking nothing away from the many good folks here or their experiences this post today made sense in a way few have.
I can go on and on, but suffice to say this, I am responsible to contact God, not the other way around, I am responibile to pull my head out of those dark places that I tend to go, I am responsible to know that this too shall pass. It is also easier, far easier if I do not do any of this alone.
Thank you for your powerful response my friend.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by RufusACanal 
For once, I did not interrupt, but instead I listened intensely. After she finished, I was stunned, because every word was the truth. No one alive knows me better than Elsa.
"Humility...a clear recognition of what and who we really are followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be".
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