OT Sort of: My relationship with my AH
Restoring myself to sanity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
OT Sort of: My relationship with my AH
I have been married to my AH for a year and a half and what a wild ride that has been.
When my AH relapsed about a year ago, I was and still am the poster child of codependancy. After his first relaps, I tried to control and manage every aspect of his life in hopes of "fixing" his addiction.. of course that only made the situation worse.
I have learned powerful lessons after each relaps.. starting with detatchment and working on down the line of working on my Codie issues and working the 12 step program. I have learned a lot of lessons and feel like that I have grown up a lot this past year, spiritualy and mentaly.. I still have a long ways to go but I feel like I'm in a much better place then I was a year ago.
Through all this growth I still experiance a lot of sadness. I long for a normal happy relationship with a healthy man. I know I deserve this and I know I can have it if I choose, it just probably woulden't be with my AH because as long as he is activly using and not working on his recovery a normal relationship will never exist.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and am considering asking my AH for a divorce or to at least leave untill he proves to me that he can get sober and work a program. Financially, it would be difficult for me to leave him so I'm trying to gather up an exit strategy so the financial fall out wont hurt so much.
This hurts so bad because despite everything that my AH has done to me, the lies, the cheating, the stealing, ( a whole year and a halfs worth) I still love him and I'm working on forgivness. Not so much for him but for myself.
My AH is a shell of the former man that I fell in love with. In the past couple of months I have really tried to put my marriage back together and make it my number one priority. But it's hard to do that when everything is one sided. My AH's addiction has robbed him of his vitality and self worth and robbed me of a happy marriage. My AH always seems to be angry at me even when I know I have done nothing wrong. He snaps at me for no reason and this man who used to be so sensitive and so affectionate has not once hugged me or kissed me in months. I'm 33 years old, I deserve so much more then what he is offering me and what I'm allowing myself to put up with.
I come home everyday after work to a filthy house because my Ah chooses to sleep until noon and play playstation until he leaves for work. He takes no responsiblity for anything and when I leave him with that responsiblity he ignores it and things never get done. I read someplace that an addict has the maturity level of when they first started using and I really believe this is true. My AH is 34 years old but you would think he was 19 or 20 by the way he acts. I have to remind myself several times a day that I'm his wife and not his Mother in order to not control or manage his affairs.
I still have the hope that one day he will sober up and I will have the man I married back in my life but that hope seems to fade with each passing day.
My husband is an addict, he dosn't love or value himself how the hell can he love me and value our marriage.. I live with a man that is slowly commiting suicide and I every day I strive that I will not let him bring me down with him..
When the time comes, leaving him will be hard but I think staying with him will be even harder.
I guess I wrote this because it's easier for me to write all my feeling out then to keep them bottled up inside.. I'm hoping that someone here will have some words of wisdom for me.
Thanks for letting me vent
When my AH relapsed about a year ago, I was and still am the poster child of codependancy. After his first relaps, I tried to control and manage every aspect of his life in hopes of "fixing" his addiction.. of course that only made the situation worse.
I have learned powerful lessons after each relaps.. starting with detatchment and working on down the line of working on my Codie issues and working the 12 step program. I have learned a lot of lessons and feel like that I have grown up a lot this past year, spiritualy and mentaly.. I still have a long ways to go but I feel like I'm in a much better place then I was a year ago.
Through all this growth I still experiance a lot of sadness. I long for a normal happy relationship with a healthy man. I know I deserve this and I know I can have it if I choose, it just probably woulden't be with my AH because as long as he is activly using and not working on his recovery a normal relationship will never exist.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and am considering asking my AH for a divorce or to at least leave untill he proves to me that he can get sober and work a program. Financially, it would be difficult for me to leave him so I'm trying to gather up an exit strategy so the financial fall out wont hurt so much.
This hurts so bad because despite everything that my AH has done to me, the lies, the cheating, the stealing, ( a whole year and a halfs worth) I still love him and I'm working on forgivness. Not so much for him but for myself.
My AH is a shell of the former man that I fell in love with. In the past couple of months I have really tried to put my marriage back together and make it my number one priority. But it's hard to do that when everything is one sided. My AH's addiction has robbed him of his vitality and self worth and robbed me of a happy marriage. My AH always seems to be angry at me even when I know I have done nothing wrong. He snaps at me for no reason and this man who used to be so sensitive and so affectionate has not once hugged me or kissed me in months. I'm 33 years old, I deserve so much more then what he is offering me and what I'm allowing myself to put up with.
I come home everyday after work to a filthy house because my Ah chooses to sleep until noon and play playstation until he leaves for work. He takes no responsiblity for anything and when I leave him with that responsiblity he ignores it and things never get done. I read someplace that an addict has the maturity level of when they first started using and I really believe this is true. My AH is 34 years old but you would think he was 19 or 20 by the way he acts. I have to remind myself several times a day that I'm his wife and not his Mother in order to not control or manage his affairs.
I still have the hope that one day he will sober up and I will have the man I married back in my life but that hope seems to fade with each passing day.
My husband is an addict, he dosn't love or value himself how the hell can he love me and value our marriage.. I live with a man that is slowly commiting suicide and I every day I strive that I will not let him bring me down with him..
When the time comes, leaving him will be hard but I think staying with him will be even harder.
I guess I wrote this because it's easier for me to write all my feeling out then to keep them bottled up inside.. I'm hoping that someone here will have some words of wisdom for me.
Thanks for letting me vent
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I don't have any words of wisdom. Sounds like a pretty unhappy existence though. Whatever happens, I hope that the "time" comes soon, so you can have joy in your life. When it comes down to it, you are responsible for determining your own value & self-worth. It won't come from your marriage or your partner. Although those things can certainly help bring it down (or up if its a positive situation).
Last edited by hello-kitty; 10-17-2008 at 12:50 PM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Jerect)))
You DO deserve much, much better. Don't do like I did...I stuck with a man for 20 years (and we weren't even married), thinking it would get better. It didn't, and I lost a lot of me in those years....just now getting it back.
Work on a financial plan, but don't stick around just because of money. When we've had enough, we find a way.
Keep your focus on you and what you want.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You DO deserve much, much better. Don't do like I did...I stuck with a man for 20 years (and we weren't even married), thinking it would get better. It didn't, and I lost a lot of me in those years....just now getting it back.
Work on a financial plan, but don't stick around just because of money. When we've had enough, we find a way.
Keep your focus on you and what you want.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((Jerect)))
I spent my entire 30's waiting for a hug and kiss. It never came, and now I know why. Maybe if I had known about the addiction I would have had the strength to leave earlier, I don't know, but what I do know is, I tried and tried to build a marriage. To beg, plead, cry, negotiate, scream, talk about having a "real" marriage. It never happened. I don't necessarily regret, because I have received many blessings from all those years - however, I also feel that I lost a whole decade in a way, a vital decade, and I deserved to either be happy by myself and living, or happy and living with a healthy partner.
Keep doing what you're doing. With each step you take, the path you choose for yourself will be clearer.
(((hugs)))
I spent my entire 30's waiting for a hug and kiss. It never came, and now I know why. Maybe if I had known about the addiction I would have had the strength to leave earlier, I don't know, but what I do know is, I tried and tried to build a marriage. To beg, plead, cry, negotiate, scream, talk about having a "real" marriage. It never happened. I don't necessarily regret, because I have received many blessings from all those years - however, I also feel that I lost a whole decade in a way, a vital decade, and I deserved to either be happy by myself and living, or happy and living with a healthy partner.
Keep doing what you're doing. With each step you take, the path you choose for yourself will be clearer.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
There's nothing wrong at all with feeling sad and longing for a normal happy relationship! :ghug
What I've learned over the years since I made a commitment to not act on the feelings of needing to be rescued, needing to have a man in my life, is that I'm a pretty neat gal, the good, the bad, and the ugly included!
I can remember at one point in between relationships that it seemed every time I went to the store or somewhere, I'd see happy couples holding hands and my heart just ached and ached.
Today I don't feel that way anymore. I've learned to be my own best friend, and if someone right comes along, that's great. If they don't, that's okay too!
What I've learned over the years since I made a commitment to not act on the feelings of needing to be rescued, needing to have a man in my life, is that I'm a pretty neat gal, the good, the bad, and the ugly included!
I can remember at one point in between relationships that it seemed every time I went to the store or somewhere, I'd see happy couples holding hands and my heart just ached and ached.
Today I don't feel that way anymore. I've learned to be my own best friend, and if someone right comes along, that's great. If they don't, that's okay too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
Thank you jerect for your post. You wrote alot of things that I am feeling.
I know your pain, as I feel it as well.
I too am a poster child for codies around the world!!! I need to work on me and to detach from my ah and the situation as best as I can...I know how difficult it is..I also know about the financial end, and believe that it should not keep you from happiness, yet it is sooooo scary and I find that it makes me almost feel trapped when it shouldnt.
I tend to project alot and Im trying not to do that anymore. I dont know how bad it will be, I dont know how the financial struggle will turn out....but the one thing that i do know is that if things dont change soon...if my addict does not get help soon, than i will probably go insane along with him if I do not get out.
I need to get strong and Im trying by going to naranon or alanon meetings, reading the literature, making phone calls, reaching out to anyone who will listen and support me.
You are still very young with your whole life ahead of you---you have time to make money....you have time to be financially secure on your own...
IMO when one partner is using drugs, there is NO MARRIAGE..how can there be>> the addict is married to the drug...it is no. one in their lives...not you.....there is no partnership because there is no trust, no honesty, ...there may be love, but love alone is not enough...my ah will hug and kiss me, but i do not want that from someone I do not trust...there is no intimacy with an addict because there is not trust....intimacy comes from trust...a marriage is built upon it.
You can only change yourself.....keep working on it, get strong, go to meetings, read, use your phone list, make a plan---talk to a lawyer, ask family members for ideas, for help, for support..even financial assistance..do everything you possibly can to help yourself...for if you dont do it, who will??
but keep moving forward...dont give up, and maybe just maybe if you leave your addict, he will be able to fall on his own and reach his bottom....and if it works out for the 2 of you, it was meant to be...if not, it wasnt.
I know your pain, as I feel it as well.
I too am a poster child for codies around the world!!! I need to work on me and to detach from my ah and the situation as best as I can...I know how difficult it is..I also know about the financial end, and believe that it should not keep you from happiness, yet it is sooooo scary and I find that it makes me almost feel trapped when it shouldnt.
I tend to project alot and Im trying not to do that anymore. I dont know how bad it will be, I dont know how the financial struggle will turn out....but the one thing that i do know is that if things dont change soon...if my addict does not get help soon, than i will probably go insane along with him if I do not get out.
I need to get strong and Im trying by going to naranon or alanon meetings, reading the literature, making phone calls, reaching out to anyone who will listen and support me.
You are still very young with your whole life ahead of you---you have time to make money....you have time to be financially secure on your own...
IMO when one partner is using drugs, there is NO MARRIAGE..how can there be>> the addict is married to the drug...it is no. one in their lives...not you.....there is no partnership because there is no trust, no honesty, ...there may be love, but love alone is not enough...my ah will hug and kiss me, but i do not want that from someone I do not trust...there is no intimacy with an addict because there is not trust....intimacy comes from trust...a marriage is built upon it.
You can only change yourself.....keep working on it, get strong, go to meetings, read, use your phone list, make a plan---talk to a lawyer, ask family members for ideas, for help, for support..even financial assistance..do everything you possibly can to help yourself...for if you dont do it, who will??
but keep moving forward...dont give up, and maybe just maybe if you leave your addict, he will be able to fall on his own and reach his bottom....and if it works out for the 2 of you, it was meant to be...if not, it wasnt.
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