I guess I must be in DENIAL. What do you think?
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I guess I must be in DENIAL. What do you think?
Hi all.
I have been reading the posts of others here and have been saying that things in my situation are not as bad as these that I read. Yes, my exbf is abusing his pills. I do believe that. I know that. But is his mind so clouded that he just cant see what he is doing to his family? Can the abuse of perks and oxy really cause that types of cloudiness?
He has stopped calling. He still sees the kids (not as much as he used to). Last week when I kicked him out he said all these grandois things like "I'm getting my own place, a job, a car" "Life is GREAT" "I have never felt this great"! (he has been on workmans comp for almost 2 years now just had his back surgery in June)
Now this week he is withdrawn and not overly talkative. He stopped calling. He looks like crap everytime I see him. Yesterday when I saw him he was laying in a recliner telling me not to knock so loud because he had a terrible headache. Friend told me that was manipulation because he wanted me to ask if he was alright and take care of him like I used to when he was sick.
I m thinking now that he has run out of his pills because he is withdrawn again. I just dont see him as begin as bad as others that are here. He told me last week that it was over and that he just wanted to be friends. He didnt need me. Was even telling his family that we get along better now that we dont live together. And now this week he has a hard time talking to me and even being around me. I am a little lost here. He asked me to take him to the dr today and then he told me to forget it he would find his own way. Its just so back and forth with him. Yesterday he told me that he was coming to get the rest of his things from our home and to please take the kids out so they dont have to watch that. I just hate how powerless this feels. Its like he has the power cause he is calling all the shots.
Just need to vent and possibly get some responses as to what is going on here.
Thanks
I have been reading the posts of others here and have been saying that things in my situation are not as bad as these that I read. Yes, my exbf is abusing his pills. I do believe that. I know that. But is his mind so clouded that he just cant see what he is doing to his family? Can the abuse of perks and oxy really cause that types of cloudiness?
He has stopped calling. He still sees the kids (not as much as he used to). Last week when I kicked him out he said all these grandois things like "I'm getting my own place, a job, a car" "Life is GREAT" "I have never felt this great"! (he has been on workmans comp for almost 2 years now just had his back surgery in June)
Now this week he is withdrawn and not overly talkative. He stopped calling. He looks like crap everytime I see him. Yesterday when I saw him he was laying in a recliner telling me not to knock so loud because he had a terrible headache. Friend told me that was manipulation because he wanted me to ask if he was alright and take care of him like I used to when he was sick.
I m thinking now that he has run out of his pills because he is withdrawn again. I just dont see him as begin as bad as others that are here. He told me last week that it was over and that he just wanted to be friends. He didnt need me. Was even telling his family that we get along better now that we dont live together. And now this week he has a hard time talking to me and even being around me. I am a little lost here. He asked me to take him to the dr today and then he told me to forget it he would find his own way. Its just so back and forth with him. Yesterday he told me that he was coming to get the rest of his things from our home and to please take the kids out so they dont have to watch that. I just hate how powerless this feels. Its like he has the power cause he is calling all the shots.
Just need to vent and possibly get some responses as to what is going on here.
Thanks
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I certainly can't tell you whether it's worse or not than you think, but how bad does it have to be?
As far as the headache in the armchair business, I agree - that way you can take care of him, it's also a deflection. Don't get mad at me, or be "mean" to me, I don't feel good. So, what do we do when people are sick? We tell them, let's worry about XXX later, right now let's get you better (or something along those lines). Difference being, these A's of ours are hoping your memory will be as bad as theirs (or that they want us to think theirs are).
If he's abusing pain-pills, that's what he's doing. My (soon to be X)AH did and still does do them too. He has told all who do know, which he only told because I finally figured it out and he was scared who I would tell, that he has quit. Well, that's a bunch of you-know-what. It's not that easy. What's he doing with all those pills, and why does he still have these mood swings - Mr. I'm the Big Man one second, and then next day or next week, it's Poor Pitiful me. It's all typical. My AH, who I thought was different, it wasn't "that bad" has turned out, over time, to prove himself to be textbook.
Stay focused on you and your kids. Whatever he is or isn't doing will come to light in time, give yourself that time.
(((hugs)))
As far as the headache in the armchair business, I agree - that way you can take care of him, it's also a deflection. Don't get mad at me, or be "mean" to me, I don't feel good. So, what do we do when people are sick? We tell them, let's worry about XXX later, right now let's get you better (or something along those lines). Difference being, these A's of ours are hoping your memory will be as bad as theirs (or that they want us to think theirs are).
If he's abusing pain-pills, that's what he's doing. My (soon to be X)AH did and still does do them too. He has told all who do know, which he only told because I finally figured it out and he was scared who I would tell, that he has quit. Well, that's a bunch of you-know-what. It's not that easy. What's he doing with all those pills, and why does he still have these mood swings - Mr. I'm the Big Man one second, and then next day or next week, it's Poor Pitiful me. It's all typical. My AH, who I thought was different, it wasn't "that bad" has turned out, over time, to prove himself to be textbook.
Stay focused on you and your kids. Whatever he is or isn't doing will come to light in time, give yourself that time.
(((hugs)))
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by cassandra2 
Hi all.
I have been reading the posts of others here and have been saying that things in my situation are not as bad as these that I read. Yes, my exbf is abusing his pills. I do believe that. I know that. But is his mind so clouded that he just cant see what he is doing to his family? Can the abuse of perks and oxy really cause that types of cloudiness?
I have been reading the posts of others here and have been saying that things in my situation are not as bad as these that I read. Yes, my exbf is abusing his pills. I do believe that. I know that. But is his mind so clouded that he just cant see what he is doing to his family? Can the abuse of perks and oxy really cause that types of cloudiness?
I used to think that way too.. I used to say, Gosh it could be worse, at least he dosn't disapear for days on end, at least he is working and brings home a paycheck..
The deeper my AH got into his addiction the worse things got.. he has done things that I never dreamed that he would do. He has lied to me over and over again to the point that I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He has stolen money from his family, cheated on me and just recently I have found where he stashed part of his paycheck so that he will have money to buy pills. Hey, we can't afford to buy groceries but he sure does have enough pills so he can function through his day.
My AH's DOC is Ox's and Perc's.. IMO, these are the devil of all prescription drugs. All Oxy's are, is legalized herion. They have hijacked my AH's entire being, mind, soul and spirit. He stays in a perpetual state of cloudiness. Your addict is not even aware of the wreckage he is causing you, his family or his children. Addiction causes one to become so selfish and so self absorbed that the only thing they think of is getting their drugs... so what if the bills don't get paid and the family eats PB&J's again for the 4th day straight at least he is getting his fix... getting high, and repeating the process over and over again.
From reading your story, I don't think you are in denial.. you kicked him out of your house because you did not want your kids in that kind of environment.. if you were in denial you would have stuck your head in the sand and told yourself that everything will get better...
Try not to take your BF's addiction personaly.. it took me a long time to understand that he wasn't doing this to me.. he was killing himself..
You want to believe that things are not as bad as what you have read... I wanted to believe that too because I did not want to give up hope that my AH would get clean and we could live a normal happy life.. I still have that hope but I have also learned to detatch and let go so that I could have the normal happy life that I deserve...
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
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Everyone is different. If you don't see him as bad as others here so what. It is about what you can tolerate in your life and what you can't. If he is not living with you then obviously there is a problem and something he is doing is causing you to be uncomfortable. If my EXAH could use crack and it didn't effect me and my kids in a negative way then we would probably still be together. Just remember addiction is a progressive disease and without treatment it can get very ugly. Also, addicts are masters at manipulation and they soon figure out how to get to you. He only has power because you let him have it...now ask yourself why you let him. IMO, if you ask someone to leave and then keep contacting that person and trying to have some kind of realationship with them, it is just torturing yourself. It is like letting go..and still holding on.....it would drive anyone crazy. Just my opinion though...Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I spent 5 very long and very painful years with the EXAH because he wasn't 'that bad' yet.
He got that bad.
I still didn't let go of him.
I truly had to drop to my knees in my own addictions before I was able to walk away.
He got that bad.
I still didn't let go of him.
I truly had to drop to my knees in my own addictions before I was able to walk away.
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Am I kidding myself in thinking that he will come out of this? Am I horrible person because I am praying that he gets busted for selling his pills so that he will be safe in jail and maybe that will be his wake up call? Does that make me crazy for wanting him to be there and accept all that will come with that (jail blah blah) or am I being vindictive? I just didnt think he was that far gone. I really believed that this would wake him up because the person I know would never want to be seperated from me or the kids. On Monday it will be 2 weeks since he has been gone. I am getting anxious because I feel that it is coming I dont know what but its coming. This is so hard on us. Does anyone feel like we can battle back from this and be a family again???????????
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
deflection: the act of directing people's attention or criticism away from something
darlin you are not at all a horrible person at all for wanting him to be in a safer place. I think all of us here hopes that our loved one finally hits rock bottom and jail is a much better option then a lot of the other rock bottoms they could hit. i suspect a lot of people here have a sense a reprieve from the worrying when we know that they are in jail and not engaged in the other more dangerous behavior they are involved in. I for one sleep a lot better when my AS is in jail then i do when he is out.
Finally, you are a family - whether he is with you or not.
darlin you are not at all a horrible person at all for wanting him to be in a safer place. I think all of us here hopes that our loved one finally hits rock bottom and jail is a much better option then a lot of the other rock bottoms they could hit. i suspect a lot of people here have a sense a reprieve from the worrying when we know that they are in jail and not engaged in the other more dangerous behavior they are involved in. I for one sleep a lot better when my AS is in jail then i do when he is out.
Finally, you are a family - whether he is with you or not.
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How do you know when to give up? He understands that he needs help he will readily admitt that he needs it. Its just the actual doing that he cant seem to do. How do you know when they are just lost and probably will be for a very long long time? I know that alot of addicts find help in jail and are able to turn their lives around that is why i am praying that he just gets caught!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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I've found my time is much better spent on working on myself. I have two ADs, and I have no idea if/when they will get help.
As for jail, don't bet any money on that being the solution. My EXAH was very jail/prison savvy and I married him as soon as he got done serving a year on a parole violation. He said all the right things while he was in prison, including 'it will be different this time', 'I know I can't drink/use', yada yada yada.
My oldest has also been in jail several times, and it doesn't bother her a bit. It's 3 hots and a cot for her. She found 'religion' the last time she was in. I even attended church with her and my grandkids a couple of months ago. Two days later she's telling me she hopes the psychiatrist prescribes benzos for her because she can make a lot of money selling those.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Today I live my life for me and allow the addicts in my life to find their own paths.
As for jail, don't bet any money on that being the solution. My EXAH was very jail/prison savvy and I married him as soon as he got done serving a year on a parole violation. He said all the right things while he was in prison, including 'it will be different this time', 'I know I can't drink/use', yada yada yada.
My oldest has also been in jail several times, and it doesn't bother her a bit. It's 3 hots and a cot for her. She found 'religion' the last time she was in. I even attended church with her and my grandkids a couple of months ago. Two days later she's telling me she hopes the psychiatrist prescribes benzos for her because she can make a lot of money selling those.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Today I live my life for me and allow the addicts in my life to find their own paths.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by cassandra2
How do you know when to give up? He understands that he needs help he will readily admitt that he needs it. Its just the actual doing that he cant seem to do. How do you know when they are just lost and probably will be for a very long long time? I know that alot of addicts find help in jail and are able to turn their lives around that is why i am praying that he just gets caught!
As for getting help, your BF will get help when he wants it and not a moment sooner. His words mean nothing, it's is actions that will tell you the truth.
Start focusing on you and what you can change about your situation.. not your BF's situation but yours..
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I personally dont think that completely giving up on someone is possible if you still care. What I focused on was detachment - which is really hard and honestly i had to pretend at first just to get some practice. Detaching myself from his problems, his consequences, and his cures. Verbalizing things like "its your life," "its your decision," and "I cant help you with that," really made a difference when i talked to him. I wont even begin to claim that his problems dont affect me - of course they do but its only because I care about him not because I'm so deep into his problems that I take ownership of them. I used to be inside the circle participating with him and now i'm standing outside as an observer. journaling my feelings instead of speaking them to him helped me - then i didnt find the need to say all those comments that just kept me in his circle. I'm still working through this but remind myself all the time that its his choice and the consquences he has to live through are not my problem.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
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My personal experience is that jail doesn't even stop them. The fact is......if he doesn't want to quit then he's not. It's hard on us when we are the one's with the kids and we feel we sacrifice ourselves while they just prance through life. But think about it.......what purpose do they really have in life? None.
I know that I can live and make three children happy. I live as though he were dead. If he gets in my way then I just step over him and move right along.
You'll come to a place where you live around him and he'll no longer matter. That's by his choice he is the way he is. Just wish him the best and have a happy life without him.
I know that I can live and make three children happy. I live as though he were dead. If he gets in my way then I just step over him and move right along.
You'll come to a place where you live around him and he'll no longer matter. That's by his choice he is the way he is. Just wish him the best and have a happy life without him.
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