New and Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 36
New and Scared
Hi everyone...I'm not sure where to start...
I need help in setting boundaries with my AH.
For example, I know with the weekend coming up, he'll want to go out to dinner or the bar. I usually go, but I only have one drink, he gets fairly drunk, usually 3 -4 evenings a week.
Am I enabling? I don't know what to do - he always wants to go out for a drink after work...do I say no and let him go himself?
I've only been to a few Al-anon meetings so far, and understand that I need to be working on myself, but I'm not sure what to do with this situation.
Thanks!
I need help in setting boundaries with my AH.
For example, I know with the weekend coming up, he'll want to go out to dinner or the bar. I usually go, but I only have one drink, he gets fairly drunk, usually 3 -4 evenings a week.
Am I enabling? I don't know what to do - he always wants to go out for a drink after work...do I say no and let him go himself?
I've only been to a few Al-anon meetings so far, and understand that I need to be working on myself, but I'm not sure what to do with this situation.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, Marigolds, glad you're here!
Keep going back to the meetings and keep posting.
Re your question - do you want to go out to dinner? If not, let him go by himself. Easier said than done, but it is possible to start and detach in order to see your life more clearly.
Good luck!
Keep going back to the meetings and keep posting.
Re your question - do you want to go out to dinner? If not, let him go by himself. Easier said than done, but it is possible to start and detach in order to see your life more clearly.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
I had a difficult time with this too. If you go out to the bar or dinner and drinks with an alcoholic, it seems like enabling to me. BUT, he's probably going to do it anyway, ya know? Why not go?
I don't have an answer but I shared in your confusion when I was living with my H, and he was active in his addiction.
Hugs,
Sunny
I don't have an answer but I shared in your confusion when I was living with my H, and he was active in his addiction.
Hugs,
Sunny
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Redlands, CA
Posts: 25
Hi,
What do YOU WANT to do for you? Maybe take the car n go out with a friend - let him go with a buddy?
Is this a new problem?
Does he feel he has a problem?
Pretty soon they just start bringing the liquid poison home instead.
Sorry this was likely no help - but what you would like needs to matter.
Blessings,
Nancy
What do YOU WANT to do for you? Maybe take the car n go out with a friend - let him go with a buddy?
Is this a new problem?
Does he feel he has a problem?
Pretty soon they just start bringing the liquid poison home instead.
Sorry this was likely no help - but what you would like needs to matter.
Blessings,
Nancy
Last edited by HateBooze; 10-17-2008 at 10:22 PM. Reason: spelling typo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Done both. Gone with him and watched as he turned into macho man (he thought), or became stroppy and embarrassing, and I got a cab home leaving him to it.
He went on his own, I worried at home for hours and he'd turn up at my place, totally plastered anytime from 1am to 5am next morning.
What to do? Wish I knew because I would have done it long ago.
God bless you Marigolds
He went on his own, I worried at home for hours and he'd turn up at my place, totally plastered anytime from 1am to 5am next morning.
What to do? Wish I knew because I would have done it long ago.
God bless you Marigolds
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 70
My ex-wife struggled with the stigma of being an enabler and struggled whether to fight it when I went out or just let me go. She passed on some advice she got from her father, a 30+ year recovering alcoholic, he told her to tell me "don't hold back". With the help of al-anon she surrendered to the fact that I had a problem that she couldn't control and the longer I tried to control it, the longer it would take me to reach my bottom. Thankfully it only took me 4 months to surrender after she gave me that "green light" to drink all I want.
It is ironic that her father gave her mother the same advice and it took her 10 years to surrender. She is now sober 13 years.
It is ironic that her father gave her mother the same advice and it took her 10 years to surrender. She is now sober 13 years.
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