Is this Codie or Mom?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Is this Codie or Mom?
I am having a very difficult time determining the difference between being a Mom and being co-dependant with my AS. Years ago i had realationships with addicts (one of which i had a son with) and after counseling and being diagnosed as a classic codie several times, i walked away from those relationships - never looking back. Flash forward 15 years and i find myself in yet another codie relationship but now to my shock with my son. I am a single mom with no help his father (he abandoned son for 10 years - reconnected - and now is in jail himself for multiple DUIs)
Over the last year i have been in counseling while my son struggled to realize that he has a serious problem. I have turned him into the police four times over the last year because his behavior has been against my rules and very dangerous. He is currently in jail awaiting placement in rehab after overdosing on OTC drugs. Over the last few weeks I have been in the battle of my life trying to get him into rehab - which is the only way he will get out of jail. The problem has been that he is not only an addict but also a Type 1, insulin dependant diabetic. Diabetes makes his drug usage critically dangerous but no rehab facilities want to take him because they are not set up to handle a diabetic. Because of the severity of the diabetes and the complications he has had, we all know that my son will not live to be an adult if he does not stop and i am desperately trying to save his life. The court agrees that he wont survive and will only release him to rehab.
I know that i must be in a codie relationship with him as i feel that same spinning while trying to grasp some control of the situations in my life. My question is where is that line with a child. As a parent we are supposed to keep them safe, punish them when they engage in dangerous behavior, teach them and lead them. But are my actions (putting him in jail/ fighting to get him into rehab) merely just another way of the codie trying to control the addict or is this merely the act of a parent trying to save him.
One rehab is reluctantly taking him but we wont be sure till he actually is moved there on monday. I wanted this rehab for several reasons but one I admit is because it is close to us. The thought of my 15 year old son being so far away that i could never see him was very hard for me. but this also scares me that i'm trying to control his situation. This of course was important to him, as much as he blames me for everything in his life he also is terrified of being so far away from Mom. He fluctuates between anger/blame towards me and fear of being away from me.
I dont want to continue any of this behavior in myself both for his sake and for his sister's sake who i'm concerned is just a codie in training right now. I've been working on the art of detachment for quite some time now but there is such a gray area as a parent. He was pretty upset when i informed him that he was on his own and had to suffer his own consequences because i cant make him do anything. I've stopped screaming and yelling and just let him go down but i have reported him to his PO whenever his behavior was dangerous - not only because i felt it in his best interest but I had legally agreed to do so in order to get him into the program he has been in for the last year. I have felt like he was safer in jail then he was on his own. He is willing and accepting of rehab now and finally admits he has a serious problem (yeah step 1) but i'm still concerned because i dont trust myself to know the line between parenting and codie behavior.
I would really appreciate any advice from the parents on this board (or children who have dealt with a codie parent) to find that fine line between being a supportive parent helping her child to stay safe and the overbearing controlling codie in me. I got past it in my romantic relationships and now must get past it if my son is to recover and my daughter is to have healthy relationships - and lets not forget its also for myself so that i can yet again find the joy in my own life.
Over the last year i have been in counseling while my son struggled to realize that he has a serious problem. I have turned him into the police four times over the last year because his behavior has been against my rules and very dangerous. He is currently in jail awaiting placement in rehab after overdosing on OTC drugs. Over the last few weeks I have been in the battle of my life trying to get him into rehab - which is the only way he will get out of jail. The problem has been that he is not only an addict but also a Type 1, insulin dependant diabetic. Diabetes makes his drug usage critically dangerous but no rehab facilities want to take him because they are not set up to handle a diabetic. Because of the severity of the diabetes and the complications he has had, we all know that my son will not live to be an adult if he does not stop and i am desperately trying to save his life. The court agrees that he wont survive and will only release him to rehab.
I know that i must be in a codie relationship with him as i feel that same spinning while trying to grasp some control of the situations in my life. My question is where is that line with a child. As a parent we are supposed to keep them safe, punish them when they engage in dangerous behavior, teach them and lead them. But are my actions (putting him in jail/ fighting to get him into rehab) merely just another way of the codie trying to control the addict or is this merely the act of a parent trying to save him.
One rehab is reluctantly taking him but we wont be sure till he actually is moved there on monday. I wanted this rehab for several reasons but one I admit is because it is close to us. The thought of my 15 year old son being so far away that i could never see him was very hard for me. but this also scares me that i'm trying to control his situation. This of course was important to him, as much as he blames me for everything in his life he also is terrified of being so far away from Mom. He fluctuates between anger/blame towards me and fear of being away from me.
I dont want to continue any of this behavior in myself both for his sake and for his sister's sake who i'm concerned is just a codie in training right now. I've been working on the art of detachment for quite some time now but there is such a gray area as a parent. He was pretty upset when i informed him that he was on his own and had to suffer his own consequences because i cant make him do anything. I've stopped screaming and yelling and just let him go down but i have reported him to his PO whenever his behavior was dangerous - not only because i felt it in his best interest but I had legally agreed to do so in order to get him into the program he has been in for the last year. I have felt like he was safer in jail then he was on his own. He is willing and accepting of rehab now and finally admits he has a serious problem (yeah step 1) but i'm still concerned because i dont trust myself to know the line between parenting and codie behavior.
I would really appreciate any advice from the parents on this board (or children who have dealt with a codie parent) to find that fine line between being a supportive parent helping her child to stay safe and the overbearing controlling codie in me. I got past it in my romantic relationships and now must get past it if my son is to recover and my daughter is to have healthy relationships - and lets not forget its also for myself so that i can yet again find the joy in my own life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Winnie)))
Welcome to SR!
I'm not a parent, but a recovering addict and recovering codie. I know many more parents will be along shortly, but I wanted to welcome you here.
To me, it sounds like you are handling the situation well. You are trying to get him help, and making sure his medical issues are addressed. Since he is still young, I think you are doing an excellent job at getting him help and letting him face his consequences.
Stick around..there are some wonderful people here with some good ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
p.s. I work in Smyrna...so "hi neighbor"
Welcome to SR!
I'm not a parent, but a recovering addict and recovering codie. I know many more parents will be along shortly, but I wanted to welcome you here.
To me, it sounds like you are handling the situation well. You are trying to get him help, and making sure his medical issues are addressed. Since he is still young, I think you are doing an excellent job at getting him help and letting him face his consequences.
Stick around..there are some wonderful people here with some good ES&H (experience, strength and hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
p.s. I work in Smyrna...so "hi neighbor"
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome (((Winnie)))
I think there's a difference between what we do for a 15 year old and what we do for a grown adult.
I can tell you, you are SOOO much further along in your understanding than I was when I arrived here.
I would fight tooth and nail for my 15 year old to get the help he needs.
You are supporting recovery, not use, and I admire your strength. And you are living in the possible solutions, not the problems...another huge step.
Hope you pull up a chair...I have a feeling amny of us could learn from you
((((Hugs))))
I think there's a difference between what we do for a 15 year old and what we do for a grown adult.
I can tell you, you are SOOO much further along in your understanding than I was when I arrived here.
I would fight tooth and nail for my 15 year old to get the help he needs.
You are supporting recovery, not use, and I admire your strength. And you are living in the possible solutions, not the problems...another huge step.
Hope you pull up a chair...I have a feeling amny of us could learn from you
((((Hugs))))
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
One of the things I struggled most with was that fine line between being a codependent and being just a mom who loves her son. I really struggled hard with this; it was a painful period in my life. I honestly did not know which way to turn and nothing ‘felt right’.
I was not comfortable saying to my son “You’re on your own buster, sink or swim.” At the same time I knew I needed to stop cleaning up his messes, to stop protecting him and to stop providing an environment in which he could continue to use, which at that time was my home.
You are right we take care of them from before they are born; it’s our job to protect them from life’s dangers so how could it be right to not protect them now when they are in so much danger?
How do you stop?
This struggle was so difficult for me I was pretty much a train wreck. Then I realized, finally, when an angel (from SR) whispered in my ear that I could hear all the advice in the world but once the decision was made I alone had to deal with the consequences of MY actions she said:
“We have to make choices WE can live with”.
I learned to separate it this way, if it helped my son do drugs, if it helped him avoid responsibility, it if helped him not face consequences –it’s co-dependent reactions and I can’t go there.
If it is loving, caring, listening and encouraging that’s being a Mom, so is being strong enough not to help him destroy himself, that’s hard love, that’s deep love.
I learned to listen more and offer less advice. I learned not to be so quick to ‘fix things’. I learned to be quite. I learned to wait to make a decision until it ‘felt right’, often in my waiting, the situation fixed itself somehow. Look at that, the world continued without my input!
I learned to put new words into my vocabulary for example:
“I’ll take care of this.” …turned into “Oh, my what are you doing do to about that?”
This did not happen for me overnight, it was a struggle. Initially I remember swallowing my ‘old’ words and sitting there left with nothing to say because I had not yet developed ‘new words’.
My brother once said something to me that I found very profound (my brother is I think 18 years clean and sober) he said “There is nothing you can do right, there is nothing you can do wrong as long as you act with love, this is not your addiction and you can’t control it’.
good luck,
sigh
I was not comfortable saying to my son “You’re on your own buster, sink or swim.” At the same time I knew I needed to stop cleaning up his messes, to stop protecting him and to stop providing an environment in which he could continue to use, which at that time was my home.
You are right we take care of them from before they are born; it’s our job to protect them from life’s dangers so how could it be right to not protect them now when they are in so much danger?
How do you stop?
This struggle was so difficult for me I was pretty much a train wreck. Then I realized, finally, when an angel (from SR) whispered in my ear that I could hear all the advice in the world but once the decision was made I alone had to deal with the consequences of MY actions she said:
“We have to make choices WE can live with”.
I learned to separate it this way, if it helped my son do drugs, if it helped him avoid responsibility, it if helped him not face consequences –it’s co-dependent reactions and I can’t go there.
If it is loving, caring, listening and encouraging that’s being a Mom, so is being strong enough not to help him destroy himself, that’s hard love, that’s deep love.
I learned to listen more and offer less advice. I learned not to be so quick to ‘fix things’. I learned to be quite. I learned to wait to make a decision until it ‘felt right’, often in my waiting, the situation fixed itself somehow. Look at that, the world continued without my input!
I learned to put new words into my vocabulary for example:
“I’ll take care of this.” …turned into “Oh, my what are you doing do to about that?”
This did not happen for me overnight, it was a struggle. Initially I remember swallowing my ‘old’ words and sitting there left with nothing to say because I had not yet developed ‘new words’.
My brother once said something to me that I found very profound (my brother is I think 18 years clean and sober) he said “There is nothing you can do right, there is nothing you can do wrong as long as you act with love, this is not your addiction and you can’t control it’.
good luck,
sigh
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
((Winnie))
Welcome to SR!
I am glad you found us
I am another mom here, of a 24 yr old AD.
Like Amy and CeCe, I think you are doing a wonderful job *already* of walking that line especially since your son is only 15, my hats off to you...
I really appreciate how determined you are to not be the codie in your son's life
I agree with CeCe, that it is different when your addict is not yet an adult...
I am looking forward to more of your experience , strength and hope...
hugs, Grateful
Welcome to SR!
I am glad you found us
I am another mom here, of a 24 yr old AD.
Like Amy and CeCe, I think you are doing a wonderful job *already* of walking that line especially since your son is only 15, my hats off to you...
I really appreciate how determined you are to not be the codie in your son's life
I agree with CeCe, that it is different when your addict is not yet an adult...
I am looking forward to more of your experience , strength and hope...
hugs, Grateful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Thank you all for responses. Sigh - your words hit home with me. It was so easy to slide back into codependency - like an old suit i never even realized i put back on for quite some time. i have had a very good counselor who has never called me out on it but i immediately recognized all her guidance as being directed toward a codie - it really was a shocker for me to look in the mirror and see that tattered and worn suit that I thought i had long ago thrown away. Even though its been hard letting him go down and reporting him to his PO, I know its not me who put him in jail its him. The first time i reported him - he said, what kind of mother puts her own child in jail? All i could say to him was I love you enough to let you hate me. Then I went home and cried from my soul because i love this child so much and all i wanted to do was get him out of there. But no matter how much I love my child I wont allow drugs in my home or around my daughter. She is the innocent in this and I will not let her ever believe that loving someone is an excuse for letting them destroy your life or compromise on your beliefs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: California
Posts: 44
Winnie12, what you said really struck home for me.
"All i could say to him was I love you enough to let you hate me. Then I went home and cried from my soul because i love this child so much and all i wanted to do was get him out of there. But no matter how much I love my child I wont allow drugs in my home or around my daughter. She is the innocent in this and I will not let her ever believe that loving someone is an excuse for letting them destroy your life or compromise on your beliefs."
My AS is 18 yo and I have a 12 yo daughter at home. I feel exactly the same way as you do. I too am walking that fine line between codie and mom. My AS just went into rehab 2 days ago. His choice was rehab or he couldn't live at home.
You are doing the right thing, supporting his recovery, but not his drug use.
Good job!
Kathy
"All i could say to him was I love you enough to let you hate me. Then I went home and cried from my soul because i love this child so much and all i wanted to do was get him out of there. But no matter how much I love my child I wont allow drugs in my home or around my daughter. She is the innocent in this and I will not let her ever believe that loving someone is an excuse for letting them destroy your life or compromise on your beliefs."
My AS is 18 yo and I have a 12 yo daughter at home. I feel exactly the same way as you do. I too am walking that fine line between codie and mom. My AS just went into rehab 2 days ago. His choice was rehab or he couldn't live at home.
You are doing the right thing, supporting his recovery, but not his drug use.
Good job!
Kathy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Orange County, NY
Posts: 116
((((((((((winnie)))))))))))
Welcome. I am also a mom. A struggling one. And your strength is admirable. The wisdom and support on this board amazes me every day. I learn something new everyday. My AS is 22, yes an adult, but still my son. It is such a fine line, and i am trying to find it myself. I am trying, and last week when I had to tell him that he couldn't leave rehab and think he was coming home, was the hardest thing I have ever done. He had a plan, was going to walk out after 2 days and told them he was going to get to airport and I was going to send him a ticket, and they needed me to tell him this was not the case. And I did it. I was proud of myself, but felt like poo after. But that's ok, he's still there.
I also had told my son, that I didn't care if he hated me or never wanted to talk to me again, at least I'd know he was alive, and that's all that mattered.
Keep coming back, this is truly an awesome place.
Eileen
Welcome. I am also a mom. A struggling one. And your strength is admirable. The wisdom and support on this board amazes me every day. I learn something new everyday. My AS is 22, yes an adult, but still my son. It is such a fine line, and i am trying to find it myself. I am trying, and last week when I had to tell him that he couldn't leave rehab and think he was coming home, was the hardest thing I have ever done. He had a plan, was going to walk out after 2 days and told them he was going to get to airport and I was going to send him a ticket, and they needed me to tell him this was not the case. And I did it. I was proud of myself, but felt like poo after. But that's ok, he's still there.
I also had told my son, that I didn't care if he hated me or never wanted to talk to me again, at least I'd know he was alive, and that's all that mattered.
Keep coming back, this is truly an awesome place.
Eileen
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
