Wrote To My Son
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Wrote To My Son
I wrote Joey a letter a few minutes ago. My mom said he is going to be in lockup for 30days, so I wrote to tell him I was going to pick up his clothes tomorrow. I also told him he had better see an Addiction Specalist & a Psychiatrist cuz noone keeeps doing this to themself over & over if there is not underlying Mental Illness. I had been told by a child psychologist I brought Joey to when he was 10yrs old that he had poor impulse control When he was in 1st grade the teacher told me he was hyperactive.
He is now 42 & this in & out of jail bs has been going on for 10years.
I pray it doesn't take him until he is 58 to get clean & sober, like it took my ex husband.
He is now 42 & this in & out of jail bs has been going on for 10years.
I pray it doesn't take him until he is 58 to get clean & sober, like it took my ex husband.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 113
Hi
I think it is so nice that you are writing your son a letter. Addiction can be very lonely not just for family and friends but addicts too.
However, one thing jumps out at me, that 32 years ago, a child psychologist said your son had poor impluse control and his first grade teacher said he was hyperactive, have you asked him if you think these things contribute to his disease? I am sure you have, but I have just found in my experience that whatever I have saidas to why I have such problems, they are not taken as the reason or they do not seem to be important.
In their minds, the fact is you are displaying this behaviour or you have upset so and so with your actions. Never what I felt was wrong with me. In fact after my last episode, I said to my Dad, why do you never ask me what is wrong, whats on your mind, whats making you do this? He replied, when I next go to the support meeting, I will ask them if I should ask you this!!. He is my Dad, does he need the permission of strangersto do this?
I was labelled at five as not very bright. I was dragged to every after school tutor on the earth. The fact I was female, alone with them and some were male and had no social security checks is another issue. I was unhappy, that did not matter, as long as my parents were acting on the advice of my teacher. To this day they still do it.
I mean no offense at all. My situation is a million miles away from yours. I wish my mum and Dad cared enough to write me a letter. Your love for your son shines through with your actions and those often speaker louder than words.
x
I think it is so nice that you are writing your son a letter. Addiction can be very lonely not just for family and friends but addicts too.
However, one thing jumps out at me, that 32 years ago, a child psychologist said your son had poor impluse control and his first grade teacher said he was hyperactive, have you asked him if you think these things contribute to his disease? I am sure you have, but I have just found in my experience that whatever I have saidas to why I have such problems, they are not taken as the reason or they do not seem to be important.
In their minds, the fact is you are displaying this behaviour or you have upset so and so with your actions. Never what I felt was wrong with me. In fact after my last episode, I said to my Dad, why do you never ask me what is wrong, whats on your mind, whats making you do this? He replied, when I next go to the support meeting, I will ask them if I should ask you this!!. He is my Dad, does he need the permission of strangersto do this?
I was labelled at five as not very bright. I was dragged to every after school tutor on the earth. The fact I was female, alone with them and some were male and had no social security checks is another issue. I was unhappy, that did not matter, as long as my parents were acting on the advice of my teacher. To this day they still do it.
I mean no offense at all. My situation is a million miles away from yours. I wish my mum and Dad cared enough to write me a letter. Your love for your son shines through with your actions and those often speaker louder than words.
x
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm going to offer a different perspective on this and also ask you to take a look at your motives for addressing him the way that you are in your letter.
I was shocked to read that he's 42 (I hadn't recalled his age being mentioned) because somehow I got the impression this was a young man in his 20's.
I have been clean/sober for over 18 years now. I turned 50 years old in May. My parents are 75. My mother and I have not spoken in 2 months now since my youngest AD totaled her car and I had to turn the Nissan over to her.
I am in college full-time, active in my recovery, I don't date, and I am a responsible member of society.
Yet my mother still addresses me as though I am in grade school.
I struggle a lot with the issue of 'parenting myself' because she is never going to change.
I have been told how to parent, how to work a job, how to keep my house clean, how to stand up straight, I should wear lipstick, etc etc etc.
Surely, at age 42, your son does know there are resources available out there should he choose to seek them out.
Has he made poor choices? Obviously. Give him the dignity of experiencing the consequences of those choices without telling him what he better do.
Believe me, underneath it all is a man with zero self-esteem, guilt, remorse, and pain.
We don't do the things we do in active addiction because we are confident, emotionally healthy, and full of self-esteem.
I was shocked to read that he's 42 (I hadn't recalled his age being mentioned) because somehow I got the impression this was a young man in his 20's.
I have been clean/sober for over 18 years now. I turned 50 years old in May. My parents are 75. My mother and I have not spoken in 2 months now since my youngest AD totaled her car and I had to turn the Nissan over to her.
I am in college full-time, active in my recovery, I don't date, and I am a responsible member of society.
Yet my mother still addresses me as though I am in grade school.
I struggle a lot with the issue of 'parenting myself' because she is never going to change.
I have been told how to parent, how to work a job, how to keep my house clean, how to stand up straight, I should wear lipstick, etc etc etc.
Surely, at age 42, your son does know there are resources available out there should he choose to seek them out.
Has he made poor choices? Obviously. Give him the dignity of experiencing the consequences of those choices without telling him what he better do.
Believe me, underneath it all is a man with zero self-esteem, guilt, remorse, and pain.
We don't do the things we do in active addiction because we are confident, emotionally healthy, and full of self-esteem.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thanks for your replys. All I said in the letter is I was going to Wk Release to pick up his clothes. He is single & has lost his parental rights to his 2 sons so we are the closest family. I know there must be something wrong. I don't know if multiple addictions could cause the kinds of behaviour he displays or if Mentally Illness underlies them. He has been in & out of jail the last tens yrs. He got to Wk Release June 27th, lost his job & got sent bk to jail. Had his dad help him get a lawyer to get bk to Wk Release ( at the cost of $1,000 ) Got bk to Wk Release about 2 wks ago. Was blessed enough to find a job not far from Wk Release in the car business & not 5 days after he got the job he arranged with wk to leave early ( not allowed with wk release ) at 2:30pm not the real quitting time of 6pm, instead of getting bk there 1 hr & 30 minutes after wk ( 7:30pm )he got back at 1:30am. He told his dad he was with a woman & the car broke down. Now if you were in your right mind & had this chance to be out of jail & abel to earn money would you jeapordize it to see a woman, or have a few beers???
I did not tell him what he should do I told him something must be wrong & to get help.
I did not tell him what he should do I told him something must be wrong & to get help.
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Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Give him the dignity of experiencing the consequences of those choices without telling him what he better do.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
I agree to a point but if you have a child even if they are 42, 52 or 62 what is wrong with wanting them to find out why? I know my son has zero self-esteem. I am sure he feels worthless and guilty. I KNOW he is hurting and so am I & everyone else in the family who loves him.
My question to you is if your own mother doesn't care enough to point out this is irrational behaviour who will? I am sure he must see it himself. I just want him to do something about it. How many more times does he have to get himself rearrested??? How many more yrs will he have to sit in jail before he finds out if he has a Mental Illness??? Patty Duke the actress was 50 before she was diagnosed with Bi Polar Disorder. Her behaviour was irrational. Now that she was dx'd & put on medication she has a life. My son has told me he thinks he may be Bi Polar.
I just want my son to be abel to have a life & be happy.
My question to you is if your own mother doesn't care enough to point out this is irrational behaviour who will? I am sure he must see it himself. I just want him to do something about it. How many more times does he have to get himself rearrested??? How many more yrs will he have to sit in jail before he finds out if he has a Mental Illness??? Patty Duke the actress was 50 before she was diagnosed with Bi Polar Disorder. Her behaviour was irrational. Now that she was dx'd & put on medication she has a life. My son has told me he thinks he may be Bi Polar.
I just want my son to be abel to have a life & be happy.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Now if you were in your right mind & had this chance to be out of jail & abel to earn money would you jeapordize it to see a woman, or have a few beers???
I did not tell him what he should do I told him something must be wrong & to get help.
I did not tell him what he should do I told him something must be wrong & to get help.
I'm sorry Rozied, as a mom, I feel your frustration.
Please God restore that man to sanity!!!!!!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Now matter how old our adult children are, it is natural for us moms to want them to
have a good productive independent life and be engaged with us and the rest of the
family.
It is only natural they we hope one day soon they will get well.
My son recently agreed to go on two meds one for depression and one for mood.
8 months of Sobriety is huge but that alone wasn't enough. The meds are making
a big difference. They're expensive though, $400 a month which I pay for.
If I stop paying he won't be able to afford meds.
have a good productive independent life and be engaged with us and the rest of the
family.
It is only natural they we hope one day soon they will get well.
My son recently agreed to go on two meds one for depression and one for mood.
8 months of Sobriety is huge but that alone wasn't enough. The meds are making
a big difference. They're expensive though, $400 a month which I pay for.
If I stop paying he won't be able to afford meds.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thank you SS & Needinghel,
Needinghelp, thank you for your prayers for Joey.
SS, I am so glad your son has 8mts clean & that you found out there are more problems than addiction that needed to be treated. I it were my son I'd also pay for the medication. Can I ask you a question, is your son an adult ( over 21 ) cuz if he is I am sure you could get him a medical card so he would be abel to pay for his own meds. If you have already found out he wasn't eligible have you looked into all the websites that offer help with paying for rx's? If he is an adult you shouldn't have to lay it out. There are programs that help people that can't afford it. I am sure your family could use the $400 for other things. Marle posted a website that is helping her daughter pay for medication. I know there are more than one. Also the pharmaceutical house that makes your son's meds might help pay for them. Lots of them have programs in place that help people pay for the meds they need.
Needinghelp, thank you for your prayers for Joey.
SS, I am so glad your son has 8mts clean & that you found out there are more problems than addiction that needed to be treated. I it were my son I'd also pay for the medication. Can I ask you a question, is your son an adult ( over 21 ) cuz if he is I am sure you could get him a medical card so he would be abel to pay for his own meds. If you have already found out he wasn't eligible have you looked into all the websites that offer help with paying for rx's? If he is an adult you shouldn't have to lay it out. There are programs that help people that can't afford it. I am sure your family could use the $400 for other things. Marle posted a website that is helping her daughter pay for medication. I know there are more than one. Also the pharmaceutical house that makes your son's meds might help pay for them. Lots of them have programs in place that help people pay for the meds they need.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 230
I feel your frustration. My 37 year old AD was also diagnosed with behavioral problems when she started junior high. I took her to many counselors and we finally had her admitted to the hospital for blood work done. They found quite a chemical imbalance and she was put on Ludiomil - the difference was like night and day. She wouldn't co-operate with counseling but I took her anyway. Then she got to the age where I had no control over her actions whatsoever and decided self-medication was her way.
Now, at 37, she knows what her problems are, knows medication can help but not if she won't do it and after all the years of pointing it out to her it's got to be her decision. I don't even mention it anymore, at some age, knowing what the problems are, they need to do it on their own. Every once in awhile she would mention going to see a doctor and get back on her medicine but that was just to shut me up I think.
If he has no idea of what his background childhood problems are, that medication might help and he has never been tested point it out to him. If you have knocked your head against the wall telling him time and again that he needs help, it will never work until he decides for himself he needs testing and we might as well save our breath/ink.
Good luck, prayers for you and Joey, and I sure know how hard it is to most likely know what the problem is and not have them listen.
Now, at 37, she knows what her problems are, knows medication can help but not if she won't do it and after all the years of pointing it out to her it's got to be her decision. I don't even mention it anymore, at some age, knowing what the problems are, they need to do it on their own. Every once in awhile she would mention going to see a doctor and get back on her medicine but that was just to shut me up I think.
If he has no idea of what his background childhood problems are, that medication might help and he has never been tested point it out to him. If you have knocked your head against the wall telling him time and again that he needs help, it will never work until he decides for himself he needs testing and we might as well save our breath/ink.
Good luck, prayers for you and Joey, and I sure know how hard it is to most likely know what the problem is and not have them listen.
rozied
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Baxter, He has said to me he thinks he could be Bi Polar. As far as I know he has never had a thorough psychiatric evaluation by a Psychiatrist.
I know he went to one psychiatrist near us & told him he had been dx'd with ADHD as a child. He told the dr he wanted Ritalin & proceeded to snort them as he was on parole & being tested for coke. This way he had a script for the ritalin & if he showed up positive for amphetamines he could show it was legal.
The truth is he was never dx'd as ADHD his brother was. I took Joey to a child psychologist & he dx'd him as having poor impulse control but that was it. No dr ever told him he had ADHD. Chris his brother was dx'd at 16 by a neurologist.
I have told him a few times I thought he should get a psy eval and of course it is up to him but I am so tired of going through this all with him & worrying & having my heart broken that I am going to tell him if he doesn't, to forget my number. It is just too much. I have my boundaries & my Mental Health is one of them.
I know he went to one psychiatrist near us & told him he had been dx'd with ADHD as a child. He told the dr he wanted Ritalin & proceeded to snort them as he was on parole & being tested for coke. This way he had a script for the ritalin & if he showed up positive for amphetamines he could show it was legal.
The truth is he was never dx'd as ADHD his brother was. I took Joey to a child psychologist & he dx'd him as having poor impulse control but that was it. No dr ever told him he had ADHD. Chris his brother was dx'd at 16 by a neurologist.
I have told him a few times I thought he should get a psy eval and of course it is up to him but I am so tired of going through this all with him & worrying & having my heart broken that I am going to tell him if he doesn't, to forget my number. It is just too much. I have my boundaries & my Mental Health is one of them.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
we can't change our kids or what they do, but I think it is important to continue to love them, tell them we love them. My AD said recently that was all I could really have done and knowing she was loved made a difference in her few moments of clarity.
love and hugs Rosie,
susan
love and hugs Rosie,
susan
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Posts: 4,482
rozied, his poor impulse control jumped at me. My daughter knew she had poor impulse control but until she had an EEG, it was thought to be psychological/chemical. What we all discovered was an undiagnosed concussion in the part of the barin that governs that. We also discovered a poor connection in another part of her brain that involves communication; it was something she was born with. Since she's been in a car wreck and hit her head, we'll have another EEG done and see if it's altered anything.
I've learned not everything is chemical or psychological when it comes to the brain and behavior. Some things have a physiological origin and they have to be treated first, if they can be treated at all. Proper diagnosis seems so hard to get sometimes.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I've learned not everything is chemical or psychological when it comes to the brain and behavior. Some things have a physiological origin and they have to be treated first, if they can be treated at all. Proper diagnosis seems so hard to get sometimes.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
rozied
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thank you all for your input. I truly believe there is something wrong besides Addiction. I know he must have multiple addictions too, & besides coke, I think one might be sex cuz he was with a woman. If he would jeapordize his freedom to have sex something is wrong. He has just been without a woman for a yr while he was incarcerated & he didn't die. It is not a need.
I know mind my own business, and I am trying but I have my boundaries and keeping myself mentally healthy is one of them.
I know mind my own business, and I am trying but I have my boundaries and keeping myself mentally healthy is one of them.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
I think most addicts have some underlying mental disorder maybe?
I hope your son gets this checked out so maybe you can come to peace with all of this. You deserve to focus on your life and have fun, and not have to always worry about him.
Hugs to you Rozied!!
I hope your son gets this checked out so maybe you can come to peace with all of this. You deserve to focus on your life and have fun, and not have to always worry about him.
Hugs to you Rozied!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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This thread was on my mind before I went to bed, and again today.
I'm sorry if I came across as harsh or uncaring. That was never my intent.
I moderate on a drug-specific recovery forum, and we've had more than one conversation on which came first, the addiction or the mental illness. It is different for each person. I think there ARE a lot of addicts out there who do self-medicate untreated mental health issues.
The first time I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I was in the psych ward, pregnant with my youngest daughter. I had had a complete meltdown in my life. I was about 17 months clean/sober at the time, and very active in AA and my recovery.
I absolutely refused the suggestion of any medications, even at the strong urging of my psychiatrist, because I was scared to put anything in my body while pregnant.
I struggled a lot. I relapsed after 4 years and thank God I was only out there for two months.
I dove into my recovery again, meetings, working the steps, having a sponsor, etc etc etc.
And around 3 years clean the second time around, I found myself sitting and thinking if I had a gun, I would put it in my mouth and pull the trigger.
I went to my physician and we discussed depression in-depth. When he asked if I had had problems with depression before, I told him I honestly didn't know about all those years I was drinking/drugging. I never stayed off of anything long enough to know!
At any rate, I started the medications, and there may be a point in my life where I can be medication free, and perhaps I can't.
My sponsor was 5 years sober when he had the same suicidal thoughts and checked into a long term residential treatment center, and was diagnosed as bipolar through a battery of psychological tests.
He was monitored closely for several years on the medication. His doctor was a very wise man, and said often he had found that as addicts recovered and addressed all 3 aspects of the disease: physical, mental, and spiritual, that sometimes they didn't need the meds after a period of time.
My sponsor has been med-free for many many years now. In my case, it appears to be a chemical imbalance that isn't going to magically cure itself regardless of what I do in recovery, so I do what I have to do for my mental health and continue in my recovery.
I do agree your son would benefit greatly from a thorough psychiatric evalation. That is a start.
However, if he's not willing to embrace some sort of active recovery from addiction, well, possible medications aren't going to do much good.
It sounds like he's had periods of abstinence while incarcerated, but abstinence isn't recovery.
Late last year I hit another bottom with depression returning, despite the current medication that I was on, and I reached out for help at the mental health center here. I requested another eval by a psychiatrist, and remain in counseling to this day.
If Joey truly thinks he's bipolar, he knows what he needs to do as far as reaching out for help.
I'm sorry if I came across as harsh or uncaring. That was never my intent.
I moderate on a drug-specific recovery forum, and we've had more than one conversation on which came first, the addiction or the mental illness. It is different for each person. I think there ARE a lot of addicts out there who do self-medicate untreated mental health issues.
The first time I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I was in the psych ward, pregnant with my youngest daughter. I had had a complete meltdown in my life. I was about 17 months clean/sober at the time, and very active in AA and my recovery.
I absolutely refused the suggestion of any medications, even at the strong urging of my psychiatrist, because I was scared to put anything in my body while pregnant.
I struggled a lot. I relapsed after 4 years and thank God I was only out there for two months.
I dove into my recovery again, meetings, working the steps, having a sponsor, etc etc etc.
And around 3 years clean the second time around, I found myself sitting and thinking if I had a gun, I would put it in my mouth and pull the trigger.
I went to my physician and we discussed depression in-depth. When he asked if I had had problems with depression before, I told him I honestly didn't know about all those years I was drinking/drugging. I never stayed off of anything long enough to know!
At any rate, I started the medications, and there may be a point in my life where I can be medication free, and perhaps I can't.
My sponsor was 5 years sober when he had the same suicidal thoughts and checked into a long term residential treatment center, and was diagnosed as bipolar through a battery of psychological tests.
He was monitored closely for several years on the medication. His doctor was a very wise man, and said often he had found that as addicts recovered and addressed all 3 aspects of the disease: physical, mental, and spiritual, that sometimes they didn't need the meds after a period of time.
My sponsor has been med-free for many many years now. In my case, it appears to be a chemical imbalance that isn't going to magically cure itself regardless of what I do in recovery, so I do what I have to do for my mental health and continue in my recovery.
I do agree your son would benefit greatly from a thorough psychiatric evalation. That is a start.
However, if he's not willing to embrace some sort of active recovery from addiction, well, possible medications aren't going to do much good.
It sounds like he's had periods of abstinence while incarcerated, but abstinence isn't recovery.
Late last year I hit another bottom with depression returning, despite the current medication that I was on, and I reached out for help at the mental health center here. I requested another eval by a psychiatrist, and remain in counseling to this day.
If Joey truly thinks he's bipolar, he knows what he needs to do as far as reaching out for help.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thank you so much for sharing with me. I am an RN & have my degree. I have done alot of wk in Psych over the yrs. I know Clinical Depression is a very bad disease & must be treated. As far as my son is concerned I love him so much & it breaks my heart to see him hurting himself like this. He has lost so much from this disease, his family, his kids, his home, drivers license, job etc etc. I cannot just stand by anymore & see him get deeper & deeper into trouble. I think I am going to offer to help him ( as SS said her son was not capable of thinking it through himself ) and go with him if he wants. If he doesn't agree to be evaluated I am going to tell him not to call me anymore until he gets help. It is just too hard getting my hopes up, hearing him say this time will be different, then finding out after 3 days of worrying that he is in jail again.
Our family has been going through it since he became addicted ( 20yrs ago ) & the last 10yrs have been especially hard. I have alot of thoughts swirling around in my head. I don't know exactely what I am going to do. Right now nothing.
Our family has been going through it since he became addicted ( 20yrs ago ) & the last 10yrs have been especially hard. I have alot of thoughts swirling around in my head. I don't know exactely what I am going to do. Right now nothing.
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Hi rozied, My heart breaks for you and the situation your in. We all want the best for our kids and its so hard to figure out what to do to help them without overstepping and being sodependent (when we're told not to be)). Sometimes this whole process is so confusing to me. I . also, think that my son has feelings that he hasn't dwelt with. I wish you the best and keep us informed as you walk this road. Hugs and smiles, Bonnie
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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Originally Posted by rozied
I think I am going to offer to help him ( as SS said her son was not capable of thinking it through himself ) and go with him if he wants.
Just a few minutes ago I offered some help. Her brain was fuzzy from a combo of her meds, withdrawals, pain, and she needed to contact the doctor. She said she knew what she needed to do but couldn't figure out how or even to ask. Her brain was that overloaded.
I can't help but think that last sentence applies to a lot of addicts, especially those with co-occurring disorders.
rozied
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Thanks Baxter, big mom hugs to you.
Chino, I agree I want to help my son for goodness sake I am a nurse & I went into it to help people. My son obviously is in desperate need of help & by gosh I will help him if he lets me. I helped strangers all my life. I started as a volunteer at 14. Traveled from LI to the city by subway cuz the age at Lenox Hill was only 14 not 16 like all the other hospitals. I must empower Joey, he is already 42 & how much more can all of us take ( including my son )
Love,
Diane
Chino, I agree I want to help my son for goodness sake I am a nurse & I went into it to help people. My son obviously is in desperate need of help & by gosh I will help him if he lets me. I helped strangers all my life. I started as a volunteer at 14. Traveled from LI to the city by subway cuz the age at Lenox Hill was only 14 not 16 like all the other hospitals. I must empower Joey, he is already 42 & how much more can all of us take ( including my son )
Love,
Diane
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