chrisk500

My wife is an alcoholic. She readily admits to it and is fully aware of her problem. I've done alot of reading about alcohol abuse and alcoholism and she kind of falls into an area that isn't discussed much. I have read alot on here about abusive relationships and about all the problems that occur in lives and families due to alcohol. Those just aren't the case in our situation.

My wife's drink of choice is beer. She easily drinks a 12 pack or more in a night and not really show too many signs of being drunk. She does not become abusive although at times she can say some stupid and hurtful things. She only starts drinking after work and doesn't really display any signs of drunkeness until after the kids are in bed. She has been drinking this way for a few years now. In her mind the drinking is not affecting her job or her family and she is kinda true. She has the ability to not drink some nights but can rarely go more than 2 nights without drinking. I routinely speak with her about it and never enable her.

In a selfish way, though, she is happier when she is drinking. On the nights she doesn't drink she is quick to get angry at the kids or get frustrated. When she does drink she is more loving and more receptive to being loved. Part of me wants to just ignore the issue becuase, as she says, who is she harming? The other part of me doesn't want to be a widower at a young age becuase she is also overweight which I know will exacerbate any health issues that arrise because of the drinking.

How do you convince a person like this that they need to quit???? She wouldn't be up to AA as she does not get comfort or peace with "hearing about other people's problems and sad lives" as she says it. Any ideas?

denny57

Welcome, chrisk500, glad you're here!

I can't convince someone else to quit OR join anything. I can only look after myself.

There is a saying in 12 steps where a "yet" is placed after all the things the alcoholic is not doing.

So, no job loss, YET. No abuse, YET, etc.

The beginning of my relationship with xAH 20 years ago resembles the behavior you are discussing now. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

I highly recommend Al Anon.

Keep posting!

Freedom1990

You can't convince anyone to quit who doesn't want to quit and doesn't feel like it's a problem.

Believe me, I tried, and to no avail. I have two alcoholic daughters.

I am also a recovering alcoholic/addict, and until I was ready to get help, no one was going to change my mind.

My idea of an alcoholic for a long time was a skidrow drunk, homeless, drank every day, etc etc etc.

Today I know that's not true. Alcoholism doesn't discriminate. You can't pigeon-hole an alcoholic into a certain category.

I will tell you that children often live what they see, and they come to accept that as normal.

My oldest (now 30) has never ever forgiven me, even though I'm 18 years sober now.

chrisk500

And that is exactly the other issue I have. I'm afraid that the kids will see her drinking as much as she does and will eventually emulate her. I think teenage drinking is a difficult battle to fight already without the added "help". They will see that mom has drank as much as she has and has never gotten a DUI/drove drunk/lost job/etc.etc so they could do the same.

justaboutus

But it is causing some negative things... obesity, rudeness, mood swings when she's not drinking, etc. and can cause bad things in the future healthwise. Not to mention what would happen if there was an emergency? Would she be sober enough to call 911? It's not good, and I'd point out those facts to your children (depending on their age of course).

Freedom1990

It is extremely difficult to raise teenagers in today's world. I went back out and drank again for two months when my youngest was only two, and thank God she doesn't remember it.

She's probably been to more AA meetings throughout her very young years than a lot of alcoholics as I didn't have a babysitter!

Still, she has chosen the path of binge drinking, and she knows how I feel about drinking.

It does affect the entire family, and children do NOT have the coping mechanisms that adults do.

It's also true that children tend to take on the blame for anything wrong in the home.

laurie6781

As said above, everything you stated that has not happened, add YET at the end.

I would really suggest you try at least 6 different Alanon meetings to see which ones might fit you best.

Depending on the age of your children..................ask at their school about Alateen meetings, you can also ask at Alanon, and yes kids are going to Alateen younger than 13. There they will find peers that have been where y'all are now.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Freedom1990

I'd also like to add that the school counselor was an invaluable resource for me and both of my daughters while they were still at home.

FormerDoormat

My alcoholic boyfriend wasn't a mean drunk, so I stayed in the relationship for 25 years. As you may be aware, alcoholism is a progressive disease. The progression of Richard's disease was so slow that I didn't realize the harm his drinking was causing him emotionally and physically. And I didn't realize the harm my codependency was causing me and my daughter, either.

Most harmful of all was the choice I made (for myself and my daughter) to stay until nearly the end as alcohol consumed Richard's life. I'm still recovering from the experience today.

ToughChoices

First off, I have to say that this post really touched something in me.


She is harming you.
You are here. You are posting. You are concerned.

My husband drank quietly, outside of my knowledge, for years.
When he admitted his problem to me, I was floored.
After all, this man was an excellent partner, a loving father, and a successful businessman. He was not abusive, and he never drank when our child was awake.

He sang the "it's not harming anyone" song for a long time.
And I felt guilty for not believing it.

But I was a wreck.
I was so worried about his health - our future - our son.
I was on edge all the time. Always hoping that he wouldn't drink. Always wanting him to make healthy choices.

I was not an enabler, but I came to realize that I was strongly codependent.
I kept track of his alcohol consumption.
I insisted on "talking" about his alcohol intake.
I cried and begged.
I was miserable about his drinking.

All it did was aggravate us both - sometimes to the point of screaming.
He started staying out to drink, insisting it was because I would "freak out" if he drank at home.
He started driving drunk.
He started yelling when I would tearfully ask him about alcohol.

You probably get the drift. He wasn't an abusive person - he was a good man with a loving family - but verbal abuse became a part of our relationship. It is not hard to imagine physical violence evolving out of that.

For many of us, things start out benignly enough.
BUT
alcoholism doesn't end well for those who don't find recovery.
You have reason to be concerned.

You can't make her quit. You can't get her to see the light.
She will/will not recover according to her own schedule.

I think the fact that you're here indicates that you're ready to start thinking about your own recovery.

Keep posting - you're in my thoughts and prayers.
-TC

justanothrdrunk

I started off just like your wife. Only drinking at night but always going to work the next day, never had any consequences with the law or otherwise, was never abusive to anyone (I was a recluse drunk - hard to abuse anyone when you're alone), etc.

You can try to ignore it, but know this: it WILL get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The pattern of no consequences, no perceived harm, and whatnot will not last forever. If she is anything like me (and I would bet the farm she is), things will spiral out of control sooner or later.

The hardest part for my wife was understanding that there was absolutely nothing she could do. She couldn't fix me. She couldn't convince me to get help. I had to seek help of my own volition. All she could do was to make sure she was taking care of herself and our son.

Learning how

Chrisk500, Welcome. You have gotten some good input.
I met my AH when I was 19, he was 21. He drank like alot of the people I met at college, he drank like many of the people in my family. It progressed.
I could not stop the progression, I tried.
Take care of yourself, look into Alanon or what ever support you think will be best for you.

sailorgirl2nv

Just a little something else to think about. When I was growing up, my mom drank a lot. To this day, (I am 39), if someone has even one sip of anything and then says I love you, I don't believe it. My mom only showed she loved me when she was drunk.

It does harm your kids in ways that no one will know, except their therapists when they are older.

Janitw

Hun I was married for 22 yrs to my XAH. In the early years and for many many years after that he was the most perfect husband......but we always had a few bouts of what we referred to was our yearly knock down drag outs.....and we blamed it on life's stresses....lol I was such a sucker...and my motto was: He didn't screw up much but when he did??? He went big. It was soooooo...ummm....slow. I didn't really notice that it was the booze that he was consuming until about 3 or 4 years before he left.....and I started to "see" that after about a 6 pack or more that his moods were dangerous. Of course now I realize that he was also drinking in the early mornings....(leaving for work at 3 or 4 in the morning when he didn't have to be at work until 7....) And in the end of our marriage he would be drunk.....with only 3 or 4 beers....so what I am saying is alot of us were in your very same shoes at different times in our lives...watch the signs and take heed. Remember it is very very very progressive. And women progress faster than men do because of their metabolism......or so I've read.

Janitw

earthgirl18

I'm in the same situation. My husband drinks every single day. Usually just beer (though he like liquor too...it's just more expensive). He can easily put away a 12 pack in one day. Even more on Sundays, as he has the whole day off. He rarely acts "drunk". He's never been abusive, and quite honestly, he's gotten better over the past couple of years.

Unfortunately, I attribute this improvement to a change in schedule, not mindset. He used to get off work earlier than I and start drinking immediately. Now, he works late, so can't drink as early. So, he doesn't have as much time to get to the point he used to.

I think about his drinking every single day, and desperately want him to realize that just because he isn't "as bad as he used to be", it's still a problem.

Barbara52

Your kids are already learning this. No matter how little you think they see, I know from personal experience as a child of alcoholic parents that from a very young age I knew mom was drunk everyday and that dad got drunk everyday he was home. I didn't of course know that that what it was. I just knew mom was "odd" every afternoon when I got home from school and that dad got mean after drinking.

Children are much more observant that we give them credit for. They certainly know that mom is erratic in her treatment of them and undoubtedly know it means something.

Beside learning that excessive drinking is "normal" they are also learning that this is how adult women and men behave, this is what being a parnet means. They are also likely to be blaming themselves for what goes on because kids think they are the center of the universe and are responsible for everything that happens.