Advice as I Begin to Date a Recovering Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 1
Advice as I Begin to Date a Recovering Alcoholic
I'm seeking the advice of those who are recovering alcoholics and those who are or have been intimately involved with a recovering alcoholic. I have recently begun to date a man who is a recovering alcoholic--that much I know. He hasn't drunk in many years. But that's all I know. He doesn't offer more, and I want to be careful about intruding on this difficult subject, since he doesn't seem to want to share it on his own. He seems to have his **** together, but recovery is clearly an important part of his life, and I'm seeking advice about how best to approach the topic with him, if at all. I am inexperienced with the matter of alcoholism, and I'd like to be properly supportive.
Thanks for whatever advice you have.
Thanks for whatever advice you have.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Welcome to SR .. I was married to an alcoholic for 22 yrs and he only ever went to AA by a court order HOWEVER....we here at SR understand very well your predicament and you will have alot of support from all of us here. I am very sure that a recovering alcoholic will respond to your request as well. From what I know their sobriety has to remain number one in their lives and you can still have a wonderful relationship with someone in AA. My congrats on his long run with sobriety. Again welcome. You can click on any of our names to learn our histories. Have you thought about going to a few Al-Anon meetings around where you live??
Janitw
Janitw
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Welcome
Does he attend meetings regularly?
If he is in fact a "recovered" alcoholic (is active in AA, has worked the steps, has a sponsor, has long term sobriety, puts his sobriety first etc.) there's no reason he can't be a wonderful man to be with.
The best relationship I have ever been in was with a "recovered" alcoholic, the worst relationship I have ever been in was with a non "recovered" alcoholic, so it has it's risks.
I have to go to work, so I will check this thread later, good luck
Does he attend meetings regularly?
If he is in fact a "recovered" alcoholic (is active in AA, has worked the steps, has a sponsor, has long term sobriety, puts his sobriety first etc.) there's no reason he can't be a wonderful man to be with.
The best relationship I have ever been in was with a "recovered" alcoholic, the worst relationship I have ever been in was with a non "recovered" alcoholic, so it has it's risks.
I have to go to work, so I will check this thread later, good luck
Seeking Peace and Serenity
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Rocky Mountain
Posts: 38
Wow this really hits home. I can't seem to get away from active/recovering A's. I too am dating a man in recovery, but there have been some bumps here and there. What did happen when we started was all the doodoo that I had held onto from active A's I was married too and in a relationship with came to the surface. It really helped to go to Al-Anon to get rid of some excess baggage from my X-life. Sometimes that is what it takes; you don't even realize how things have affected you. Like everyone says, A's have to put the sobriety ahead of everything else and sober life is practiced everyday. My RABF is a wonderful man with a sketchy background of alchoholism. When yours is ready to talk, just listen; that is all I did and was prepared not to make any kind of judgement. I love the honesty and openess that they have learned in recovery.
The best to you and hope it all works for you.
The best to you and hope it all works for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 110
IMO in dealing with "old timers" where my RAH goes they are more than thrilled to discuss their experiences, with anyone needing/wanting to know. They are proud to tell you that they hold that 5, 10, 20 year chip. My RAH has 3 years and 11 1/2 months of sobriety and to this date carries everyone of his "year" chips with him.
I hope that your boyfriend is active in his recovery because as we all know if they are not, then relapse is bound to happen.
I hope that your boyfriend is active in his recovery because as we all know if they are not, then relapse is bound to happen.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
As an alcoholic in recovery, a few things would be important for any partner of mine to know:
1. You're not a part of my recovery.
2. My recovery comes first.
3. Spending social time with my friends in AA is a part of my recovery, just as attending meetings, working with a sponsor, etc.
4. Even though you might think you want to know all the sordid details of my past, you're probably better off without that knowledge. Be careful what you wish for.
5. Don't worry too much about social situations where alcohol is being served - just keep me informed. I'll make the decisions about what I can and can't handle.
6. When we're in a place where there's alcohol, I might suddenly need to leave. See #2.
7. Treat me like you would anyone else.
edit to add: 8. Respect my anonymity. It's not your place to tell your friends/family about my situation unless we've already talked about it and I've explicity told you that you can share it with whomever.
Again, that's just me so not all may apply. I'm still early in recovery (15 months sober), and someone with more recovery time may have different priorities.
1. You're not a part of my recovery.
2. My recovery comes first.
3. Spending social time with my friends in AA is a part of my recovery, just as attending meetings, working with a sponsor, etc.
4. Even though you might think you want to know all the sordid details of my past, you're probably better off without that knowledge. Be careful what you wish for.
5. Don't worry too much about social situations where alcohol is being served - just keep me informed. I'll make the decisions about what I can and can't handle.
6. When we're in a place where there's alcohol, I might suddenly need to leave. See #2.
7. Treat me like you would anyone else.
edit to add: 8. Respect my anonymity. It's not your place to tell your friends/family about my situation unless we've already talked about it and I've explicity told you that you can share it with whomever.
Again, that's just me so not all may apply. I'm still early in recovery (15 months sober), and someone with more recovery time may have different priorities.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I dated an alcoholic for 25 years. After what he put me through, both sober and non-sober, I would be hesitant to enter into an intimate relationship with someone who avoids discussing important issues such as addiction or recovery. A person who has trouble being completely open and honest with their intimate partners is waving a huge red flag. Without two-way communication, honesty, and emotional intimacy, there is no way a relationship can grow and flourish.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Crawfordville, FL
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk 
As an alcoholic in recovery, a few things would be important for any partner of mine to know:
1. You're not a part of my recovery.
2. My recovery comes first.
3. Spending social time with my friends in AA is a part of my recovery, just as attending meetings, working with a sponsor, etc.
4. Even though you might think you want to know all the sordid details of my past, you're probably better off without that knowledge. Be careful what you wish for.
5. Don't worry too much about social situations where alcohol is being served - just keep me informed. I'll make the decisions about what I can and can't handle.
6. When we're in a place where there's alcohol, I might suddenly need to leave. See #2.
7. Treat me like you would anyone else.
edit to add: 8. Respect my anonymity. It's not your place to tell your friends/family about my situation unless we've already talked about it and I've explicity told you that you can share it with whomever.
Again, that's just me so not all may apply. I'm still early in recovery (15 months sober), and someone with more recovery time may have different priorities.
1. You're not a part of my recovery.
2. My recovery comes first.
3. Spending social time with my friends in AA is a part of my recovery, just as attending meetings, working with a sponsor, etc.
4. Even though you might think you want to know all the sordid details of my past, you're probably better off without that knowledge. Be careful what you wish for.
5. Don't worry too much about social situations where alcohol is being served - just keep me informed. I'll make the decisions about what I can and can't handle.
6. When we're in a place where there's alcohol, I might suddenly need to leave. See #2.
7. Treat me like you would anyone else.
edit to add: 8. Respect my anonymity. It's not your place to tell your friends/family about my situation unless we've already talked about it and I've explicity told you that you can share it with whomever.
Again, that's just me so not all may apply. I'm still early in recovery (15 months sober), and someone with more recovery time may have different priorities.
Items 1,2 and 3 are crucial!
Being with my RABF has been the most wonderful experience in my life. Although we have hit a bump in the road, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!
Love and Peace!
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