My GF: Whatcha got man? Gimme some
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
My GF: Whatcha got man? Gimme some
Hello everyone,
Not sure what I'm actually doing right now - guess I just need to vent - and feel this is the best place to do it. I've been reading posts on this board for a few weeks now - and have learned a TON of information. I'm dating an extremely beautiful woman (33 - I'm 36) who admitted to me a few weeks ago that she has an addiction to oxycodone (primarily takes perc's - via letting them dissolve in her mouth & from snorting).
A little background on things:
I'm 36. I've done my share of drug use - and honestly & whole heartedly considered myself a recreational user. I rarely partake - although I have had a few runs with coke that were fairly frequently over a few months time. I've tried acid. Done shrooms & crystal meth a handful of times and smoked weed a lot as a teen - and occasional since (avoid it for the most part cuz it just screw's me up usually anymore (anxiety attacks)).
I have friends who, for the most part, are occasional recreational users too. Most of us drink - often to get loaded - but I don't believe any of us are alcoholics. I have lost touch with a few friends who've had major crack & coke problems - through both death, and through run ins with the law.
So that's me, in a nutshell. My GF works in a bar, family owned & operated. She's stunning. I had seen but never talked to her over the years. Often, I'd hear from people that she's got "problems" - has "been in rehab", etc. All sorts of stuff. Well, this year, we started talking - and, I saw that not only was she physically beautiful - but as a person, she was pretty darn beautiful too. Smart, creative, funny, seemed to be goal oriented, etc. We began to hit it off. Eventually, we became "boyfriend" & "girlfriend".
As you may already be guessing, the more I am getting to know her - the more I learn about the addiction(s) (although she only admits to ONE addiction - the perc's). At first, I thought - "Hey, this is a fun girl who likes to party - A LOT." And then I learned she was "sent away" to rehab within the last few years, mainly due to oxycotin use (she did or almost did OD apparently). Early on - I had to speak up and say I thought the coke use was too much for me to be around. I was uncomfortable. I didn't want to sound like a hyprocrite - even though I was - because, like I said - I have used things myself. So, she tossed that back in my face - and we didn't talk for awhile. I thought we were done - and thought that was probbaly for the best. A couple months later - we start to talk again. She tells me how she was angry at what I said - but knew a lot of it was true. Said she wanted to clean herself up. Wanted to go to school in the fall. Needed to get out of the bar - and away from certain people. Maybe even change her phone number.
She's given me LOTS of indications that she knows she needs to change her ways - especially if she wants to achive the goal of creating & raising a healthy family. Well - i don't know where "that girl" went.
After a blow up - she admitted to me she has an oxycodone addiction. Needs to quit - is just sick of it. She would get the stomach spasms, RLS & extreme body aches if she was out for too long. This is when I put my researching abilities into gear & have learned a TON about oxycodone, detoxing, withdrawal, etc (although I'm finding I learn new bit's each day - and then go "Ohhh - THAT'S why she was acting like this, or doing that!"). She said she might try to quit around xmas - because if she were to try prior - she would miss too much work, because of the withdrawal. Well - to make a long story short - last weekend, she comes home - all geeked out (shrooms, booze, coke and who knows what else; I didn't find out she was on shrooms till the next day; and it wasn't until today that I realized, when she told me, while she was lying there in agony that night - that if her heart stops - to kick her - it was probably because she had done some oxy's that nite too!) - and tells me she's going to kick the perc's. We had just been discussing earlier in the week a preivous post where a guy laid out a good plan for detoxing at home. I remembered every detail to that post & the replies & just kicked into gear on helping her through it. I was puzzled though as to why I wasn't told ahead of time that this was going to be "the day"
It was one of the most agonizing & painful things I've ever experienced. To see someone you care about hurting soooo soooo badly without being able to do too much to make them better... I took 2 days off of work to be with her. And, what happens the night of day 1? People come over - she has a beer - while they're doing whatever it is they do. Supposedly, she didn't do anything but smoke weed - although she did admit that when I left the house for 15 minutes that morning - she searched high & low for a perc - and didn't find any.
Day 2 - more people come over - doing their 'stuff' again. I tell her I can't believe she is okay with playing with fire like this - having them in the house, even though she's not doing anything herself. Before she goes to sleep - she drinks a 6 pack of peer single handedly in about 1 & 1/2 hours. I thought maybe to cope with the withdrawal - i don't know.
The morning of day 3 - she tells me she's stressed. Doesn't want to ruin our relationship, and needs some time alone to figure things out. This is via email mind you; she couldnt do it face to face.
In that time - we've spent "some" time away - but the time we have spent together, there's been nothing but an influx of substance abusers she calls "friends" (or "customers" from the bar) in & out of her house - hanging out and doing stuff. She's been doing coke every day. I got into bed Saturday nite and a vicodin flew off onto the floor! (of course, the next day I was called a sneak because I went to the pill identification site - she checked my browsing history - to see if the pill I found was a perc; I only recently have learned that there's not a whole lot of difference between the perc's and the vic's; opiates are opiates are opiates. I feel so stupid for thinking it was "ok" that she had the vicodin to help offset the perc withdrawal!)
Blew my mind that SHE was upset with me and called ME a sneak. This from the person who has stuff stashed all over her house, who is constantly having to sneak off during her shift at work to do whatever, who constantly has to sneak into the bedroom with someone, into her dressing room with someone, has to sneak into the bathroom with someone...what freakin' ever!
I tried to talk to her about everything that's been on my mind and building up - but she didn't want to. She needed "me" time she told me. Only I found out that she had a couple guys over & was probably doing coke & smoking weed - with whatever else, until she could fall asleep. That's when it hit me like a brick wall - that her priorities truly were about getting high with her "get high" friends. That I and our relationship - should take a backseat and wasn't as important.
I was upset - that, if she truly DID detox (from the perc's at least) - that i was afraid she's going to get back on them, if she's not already. In addition, she's on SOMETHING 24x7. Literally. Even before she goes to bed, so while she's sleeping, her body has SOMETHING in her. Yesterday, Sunday morning - she did talk to me a little - and told me how she doesn't like me attacking her, stressing her out, that a relationship shouldn't be this hard so early on (we're 4 months total into it at best). Made comments of how she's not going to get rid of all her friends, said not to get rid of her stuff (when I told her I thought about flushing the vic I found in bed). She then said she "doesn't do that much". I told her I have been around some heavy partiers, and I have NEVER seen someone do anything close to the amount & variety of drugs she does. Then she said I kept bringing up things from the past (in actuality - I was bringing up her own words said just days ago - trying to understand why she was saying one thing then, but now doing and saying another thing). She told me she should have never shared the things she shared with me because now I'm putting it in her face. Maybe I was. Maybe a mirror of her words & actions are what she needs. I don't know. Wasn't my intention. My intention was to share some things that were bothering me in hopes we could come to some sort of understanding/agreement/compromise - and move on with our relationship. Boy, was THAT a mistake.
Obviously - this "talk" didn't go well. A few txt's went back n forth between us - and it mainly ended with a "I need time. As you say, I am going to numb myself now". She's obviously in a LOT of pain - and has no idea how to deal with physical pain (she has endometreosis) or emotional pain (instead of dealing with problems - I think she'd rather someone else took care of them, they went away (ie, I exit her life) or she numbs up with __insert drug here___.
I realized that, I need some time myself. I need to figure some things out here too - so I didn't call, text or anything since then.
I managed to get a couple text's today - unsolicited by me - asking how the rest of my day was yesterday - and then, a few minutes ago - one that says "Thanks for being". I think I know what that means - but have to wonder where her head & heart are right now to have said that. I asked for clarification - but haven't heard back yet. Was she thanking me for being in her life - for "being"? Did she forget to add some more words? Is she all geeked out and could'nt finish the txt completely? Who knows. I hope she's ok.
So I'm torn. I care about the girl. I've seen the beautiful person that she is "inside". I know I can't "fix her" and aren't about to try. However, I've been willing to "help her" - and have told her this. But, as I've read through so many many posts today - I'm trying to figure if I should just exit stage left - right now. If I'm just going to become more confused & disillusioned as time goes on. I swear - I've heard the cries for help from her before (indirectly usually) - but now they seem to be buried.
To compound things - I have to be at that bar at least once a week for a league I'm in. Her family likes me - and seem to look at me as someone they believe they can trust in to help "keep an eye on her". There's this unspoken understanding between us I think. We've yet (her parents or siblings) to discuss anything out in the open. She has a history of keeping things from them (especially while working her shift in the bar) - and they try to keep an eye and get involved whenever they can. Of course, she despises them for this. I think now she's beginning to despise me. And that sucks. Part of me wants to talk, direct, with her family - but I'm afraid of making a bigger mess up there. Or her getting ticked for involving them.
She says I don't see all the changes she HAS made. I responded with maybe I am inpatient & want to see strides instead of baby steps. And, that in all honesty - at times, it looks like instead of moving forward, she's moving backwards with great speed.
I haven't done anything myself in the last 2 weeks. I've barely had more than a beer or two to be honest. I'm just repulsed and disgusted with the whole drug scene - even the "casual" or "recreational" use of it.
I know I typed a lot - sorry; I just have a lot on my mind. I've got a letter I've typed up over the last few days telling her how I feel - and the things I don't like - with greater detail than what I've been able to actually voice to her - but I doubt I'll give it to her. In reading it over - the thing that's clear to me is that the addiction to substances is pretty much the root of everything that has soured our relationship.
She told me she's had the perc addiction for 4 years now. In spending time with her and this "guy friend" of her's that's "just a friend" (someone she's known since she was little) - it sounds like the both of them have been doing pretty much every drug they can get their hands on for as long as they can remember. They even joke about how they have to pick SOMETHING to give up; at least one thing.
UGH!!! This is so aggravating. I know - the writing is on the wall. I have to take care of me - and walk away. Do i tell her why first? Do I tell her either this stuff goes or I go? Do I tell her that seeking professional help is the only way I will even consider staying? Should I even bother with that???
This sucks. How do you handle being in love with an addict. I'm supposed to just turn it off - hope for the best - and get on with my life? Or do I do everything in my power to try to help her...
God I hate drugs...at the very least when this is all said & done - I'll have taken with me a lesson - and probably made a change in my life to make sure I don't do anymore drugs, and that I don't even stick around where drugs are present.
Not sure what I'm actually doing right now - guess I just need to vent - and feel this is the best place to do it. I've been reading posts on this board for a few weeks now - and have learned a TON of information. I'm dating an extremely beautiful woman (33 - I'm 36) who admitted to me a few weeks ago that she has an addiction to oxycodone (primarily takes perc's - via letting them dissolve in her mouth & from snorting).
A little background on things:
I'm 36. I've done my share of drug use - and honestly & whole heartedly considered myself a recreational user. I rarely partake - although I have had a few runs with coke that were fairly frequently over a few months time. I've tried acid. Done shrooms & crystal meth a handful of times and smoked weed a lot as a teen - and occasional since (avoid it for the most part cuz it just screw's me up usually anymore (anxiety attacks)).
I have friends who, for the most part, are occasional recreational users too. Most of us drink - often to get loaded - but I don't believe any of us are alcoholics. I have lost touch with a few friends who've had major crack & coke problems - through both death, and through run ins with the law.
So that's me, in a nutshell. My GF works in a bar, family owned & operated. She's stunning. I had seen but never talked to her over the years. Often, I'd hear from people that she's got "problems" - has "been in rehab", etc. All sorts of stuff. Well, this year, we started talking - and, I saw that not only was she physically beautiful - but as a person, she was pretty darn beautiful too. Smart, creative, funny, seemed to be goal oriented, etc. We began to hit it off. Eventually, we became "boyfriend" & "girlfriend".
As you may already be guessing, the more I am getting to know her - the more I learn about the addiction(s) (although she only admits to ONE addiction - the perc's). At first, I thought - "Hey, this is a fun girl who likes to party - A LOT." And then I learned she was "sent away" to rehab within the last few years, mainly due to oxycotin use (she did or almost did OD apparently). Early on - I had to speak up and say I thought the coke use was too much for me to be around. I was uncomfortable. I didn't want to sound like a hyprocrite - even though I was - because, like I said - I have used things myself. So, she tossed that back in my face - and we didn't talk for awhile. I thought we were done - and thought that was probbaly for the best. A couple months later - we start to talk again. She tells me how she was angry at what I said - but knew a lot of it was true. Said she wanted to clean herself up. Wanted to go to school in the fall. Needed to get out of the bar - and away from certain people. Maybe even change her phone number.
She's given me LOTS of indications that she knows she needs to change her ways - especially if she wants to achive the goal of creating & raising a healthy family. Well - i don't know where "that girl" went.
After a blow up - she admitted to me she has an oxycodone addiction. Needs to quit - is just sick of it. She would get the stomach spasms, RLS & extreme body aches if she was out for too long. This is when I put my researching abilities into gear & have learned a TON about oxycodone, detoxing, withdrawal, etc (although I'm finding I learn new bit's each day - and then go "Ohhh - THAT'S why she was acting like this, or doing that!"). She said she might try to quit around xmas - because if she were to try prior - she would miss too much work, because of the withdrawal. Well - to make a long story short - last weekend, she comes home - all geeked out (shrooms, booze, coke and who knows what else; I didn't find out she was on shrooms till the next day; and it wasn't until today that I realized, when she told me, while she was lying there in agony that night - that if her heart stops - to kick her - it was probably because she had done some oxy's that nite too!) - and tells me she's going to kick the perc's. We had just been discussing earlier in the week a preivous post where a guy laid out a good plan for detoxing at home. I remembered every detail to that post & the replies & just kicked into gear on helping her through it. I was puzzled though as to why I wasn't told ahead of time that this was going to be "the day"
It was one of the most agonizing & painful things I've ever experienced. To see someone you care about hurting soooo soooo badly without being able to do too much to make them better... I took 2 days off of work to be with her. And, what happens the night of day 1? People come over - she has a beer - while they're doing whatever it is they do. Supposedly, she didn't do anything but smoke weed - although she did admit that when I left the house for 15 minutes that morning - she searched high & low for a perc - and didn't find any.
Day 2 - more people come over - doing their 'stuff' again. I tell her I can't believe she is okay with playing with fire like this - having them in the house, even though she's not doing anything herself. Before she goes to sleep - she drinks a 6 pack of peer single handedly in about 1 & 1/2 hours. I thought maybe to cope with the withdrawal - i don't know.
The morning of day 3 - she tells me she's stressed. Doesn't want to ruin our relationship, and needs some time alone to figure things out. This is via email mind you; she couldnt do it face to face.
In that time - we've spent "some" time away - but the time we have spent together, there's been nothing but an influx of substance abusers she calls "friends" (or "customers" from the bar) in & out of her house - hanging out and doing stuff. She's been doing coke every day. I got into bed Saturday nite and a vicodin flew off onto the floor! (of course, the next day I was called a sneak because I went to the pill identification site - she checked my browsing history - to see if the pill I found was a perc; I only recently have learned that there's not a whole lot of difference between the perc's and the vic's; opiates are opiates are opiates. I feel so stupid for thinking it was "ok" that she had the vicodin to help offset the perc withdrawal!)
Blew my mind that SHE was upset with me and called ME a sneak. This from the person who has stuff stashed all over her house, who is constantly having to sneak off during her shift at work to do whatever, who constantly has to sneak into the bedroom with someone, into her dressing room with someone, has to sneak into the bathroom with someone...what freakin' ever!
I tried to talk to her about everything that's been on my mind and building up - but she didn't want to. She needed "me" time she told me. Only I found out that she had a couple guys over & was probably doing coke & smoking weed - with whatever else, until she could fall asleep. That's when it hit me like a brick wall - that her priorities truly were about getting high with her "get high" friends. That I and our relationship - should take a backseat and wasn't as important.
I was upset - that, if she truly DID detox (from the perc's at least) - that i was afraid she's going to get back on them, if she's not already. In addition, she's on SOMETHING 24x7. Literally. Even before she goes to bed, so while she's sleeping, her body has SOMETHING in her. Yesterday, Sunday morning - she did talk to me a little - and told me how she doesn't like me attacking her, stressing her out, that a relationship shouldn't be this hard so early on (we're 4 months total into it at best). Made comments of how she's not going to get rid of all her friends, said not to get rid of her stuff (when I told her I thought about flushing the vic I found in bed). She then said she "doesn't do that much". I told her I have been around some heavy partiers, and I have NEVER seen someone do anything close to the amount & variety of drugs she does. Then she said I kept bringing up things from the past (in actuality - I was bringing up her own words said just days ago - trying to understand why she was saying one thing then, but now doing and saying another thing). She told me she should have never shared the things she shared with me because now I'm putting it in her face. Maybe I was. Maybe a mirror of her words & actions are what she needs. I don't know. Wasn't my intention. My intention was to share some things that were bothering me in hopes we could come to some sort of understanding/agreement/compromise - and move on with our relationship. Boy, was THAT a mistake.
Obviously - this "talk" didn't go well. A few txt's went back n forth between us - and it mainly ended with a "I need time. As you say, I am going to numb myself now". She's obviously in a LOT of pain - and has no idea how to deal with physical pain (she has endometreosis) or emotional pain (instead of dealing with problems - I think she'd rather someone else took care of them, they went away (ie, I exit her life) or she numbs up with __insert drug here___.
I realized that, I need some time myself. I need to figure some things out here too - so I didn't call, text or anything since then.
I managed to get a couple text's today - unsolicited by me - asking how the rest of my day was yesterday - and then, a few minutes ago - one that says "Thanks for being". I think I know what that means - but have to wonder where her head & heart are right now to have said that. I asked for clarification - but haven't heard back yet. Was she thanking me for being in her life - for "being"? Did she forget to add some more words? Is she all geeked out and could'nt finish the txt completely? Who knows. I hope she's ok.
So I'm torn. I care about the girl. I've seen the beautiful person that she is "inside". I know I can't "fix her" and aren't about to try. However, I've been willing to "help her" - and have told her this. But, as I've read through so many many posts today - I'm trying to figure if I should just exit stage left - right now. If I'm just going to become more confused & disillusioned as time goes on. I swear - I've heard the cries for help from her before (indirectly usually) - but now they seem to be buried.
To compound things - I have to be at that bar at least once a week for a league I'm in. Her family likes me - and seem to look at me as someone they believe they can trust in to help "keep an eye on her". There's this unspoken understanding between us I think. We've yet (her parents or siblings) to discuss anything out in the open. She has a history of keeping things from them (especially while working her shift in the bar) - and they try to keep an eye and get involved whenever they can. Of course, she despises them for this. I think now she's beginning to despise me. And that sucks. Part of me wants to talk, direct, with her family - but I'm afraid of making a bigger mess up there. Or her getting ticked for involving them.
She says I don't see all the changes she HAS made. I responded with maybe I am inpatient & want to see strides instead of baby steps. And, that in all honesty - at times, it looks like instead of moving forward, she's moving backwards with great speed.
I haven't done anything myself in the last 2 weeks. I've barely had more than a beer or two to be honest. I'm just repulsed and disgusted with the whole drug scene - even the "casual" or "recreational" use of it.
I know I typed a lot - sorry; I just have a lot on my mind. I've got a letter I've typed up over the last few days telling her how I feel - and the things I don't like - with greater detail than what I've been able to actually voice to her - but I doubt I'll give it to her. In reading it over - the thing that's clear to me is that the addiction to substances is pretty much the root of everything that has soured our relationship.
She told me she's had the perc addiction for 4 years now. In spending time with her and this "guy friend" of her's that's "just a friend" (someone she's known since she was little) - it sounds like the both of them have been doing pretty much every drug they can get their hands on for as long as they can remember. They even joke about how they have to pick SOMETHING to give up; at least one thing.
UGH!!! This is so aggravating. I know - the writing is on the wall. I have to take care of me - and walk away. Do i tell her why first? Do I tell her either this stuff goes or I go? Do I tell her that seeking professional help is the only way I will even consider staying? Should I even bother with that???
This sucks. How do you handle being in love with an addict. I'm supposed to just turn it off - hope for the best - and get on with my life? Or do I do everything in my power to try to help her...
God I hate drugs...at the very least when this is all said & done - I'll have taken with me a lesson - and probably made a change in my life to make sure I don't do anymore drugs, and that I don't even stick around where drugs are present.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I don't want to sound harsh but....if you think it's hard now just imagine how hard it would be if you let years go by. i'm sorry you have to go through this it really is heart wrenching but you may have to cut her loose and let her find her own way.
You didn't cause this you can't control it and you really can't cure it. This all falls on her doing the healing thing. And by the way, noone can detox while drinking beer and having drug friends in their life. you're much to young to play nurse to someone who is not ready for sobriety.
good luck to you in your decision
You didn't cause this you can't control it and you really can't cure it. This all falls on her doing the healing thing. And by the way, noone can detox while drinking beer and having drug friends in their life. you're much to young to play nurse to someone who is not ready for sobriety.
good luck to you in your decision
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Rashue gave you the right advice, even thought its tough. Walk away, you've tried and given a lot. I would even quit the going to the bar for the league. Meet them at the playing field...and explain why you're not going back for beers. She is sooo not ready to quit.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
Not harsh at all. Truth hurts sometimes, I know that. And I see the "3 C's" you listed there too. I came across those today. So very true.
I guess there's 2 things that stick in my mind; one is that I've heard that with oxycodone addiction - its one of the few exceptions that its recommended you force help upon the addict instead of waiting for them to do it themselves - "when they're ready". Of course, it's not just oxy's in her life either, now is it? <sigh>
Second - I'm one of those "things happen for a reason" people - and can't help but wonder if The Man Upstairs paired us up for a reason. Not so long ago - I learned about the types of women I seemed to find myself with - and thought I learned to identify & stay away from those types of women. I did a lot of work on myself. Yet, now "she" shows up - and for some reason, I'm not running away.
I know I have to do my own soul searching here - and take inventory of who I am, why I'm here - and what's kept me / keeping me here too.
Thanks for your opinion - I truly appreciate it.
I guess there's 2 things that stick in my mind; one is that I've heard that with oxycodone addiction - its one of the few exceptions that its recommended you force help upon the addict instead of waiting for them to do it themselves - "when they're ready". Of course, it's not just oxy's in her life either, now is it? <sigh>
Second - I'm one of those "things happen for a reason" people - and can't help but wonder if The Man Upstairs paired us up for a reason. Not so long ago - I learned about the types of women I seemed to find myself with - and thought I learned to identify & stay away from those types of women. I did a lot of work on myself. Yet, now "she" shows up - and for some reason, I'm not running away.
I know I have to do my own soul searching here - and take inventory of who I am, why I'm here - and what's kept me / keeping me here too.
Thanks for your opinion - I truly appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
The first thing I would recommend is go by her ACTIONS, not her words. I'm a recovering addict and I could talk about getting clean all day long, sound really convincing, but I would go back out and use. By the time I really wanted recovery, I didn't make any more promises to anyone...I just did what I had to do.
I'm glad you're here, and there is a ton of support here. One important thing to remember is the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't change it. She is the only one who can choose recovery and do the work it involves. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself, set boundaries and learn what behaviors are enabling so you don't do them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
The first thing I would recommend is go by her ACTIONS, not her words. I'm a recovering addict and I could talk about getting clean all day long, sound really convincing, but I would go back out and use. By the time I really wanted recovery, I didn't make any more promises to anyone...I just did what I had to do.
I'm glad you're here, and there is a ton of support here. One important thing to remember is the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't change it. She is the only one who can choose recovery and do the work it involves. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself, set boundaries and learn what behaviors are enabling so you don't do them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
sknyfats,
It hurts when you love an addict. Even though MY addicts, are my adult sons, and even with them, I have chosen to detach with love until they get it together. Which in my mind means, rehab, a full time job, and living a clean life.
By telling you she needs space, I would think it means you are intruding into her lifestyle, and she is not ready or willing to quit.
Give yourself space. Unfortunately, when involved with an addict it involves alot of heartache, and sorrow.
Hugs....
It hurts when you love an addict. Even though MY addicts, are my adult sons, and even with them, I have chosen to detach with love until they get it together. Which in my mind means, rehab, a full time job, and living a clean life.
By telling you she needs space, I would think it means you are intruding into her lifestyle, and she is not ready or willing to quit.
Give yourself space. Unfortunately, when involved with an addict it involves alot of heartache, and sorrow.
Hugs....
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
sknyfats, Welcome to SR...
As a wife of an addict I can only say this DO NOT WALK AWAY BUT RUN and run as far away as you can. Trust me it's not worth the misery that you are putting yourself through to be with this women..
As a wife of an addict I can only say this DO NOT WALK AWAY BUT RUN and run as far away as you can. Trust me it's not worth the misery that you are putting yourself through to be with this women..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: san diego, california
Posts: 29
Im new and in your situation too with my alcoholic bf. The people here at SR have really opened my eyes and today I decided I just cant compromise my own well being and jeez SANITY at this point. He has to help himself, and who knows maybe our lives will cross paths later down the road. But thatnks to SR, Ive learned I come first! Good luck with everything and write me anytime- I totally get where you are at!
xo veruca211
xo veruca211
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
and honestly & whole heartedly considered myself a recreational user. I rarely partake - although I have had a few runs with coke that were fairly frequently over a few months time.
God I hate drugs...at the very least when this is all said & done - I'll have taken with me a lesson - and probably made a change in my life to make sure I don't do anymore drugs, and that I don't even stick around where drugs are present.
Keep playing the lifestyle that you are playing and one day there could be that perfect girl, writing here about you and your drug use.
I don't mean that to be mean, but just because your a recreational user and she is not, does not set you too far apart, you NEVER know what is going to get you hooked.
Meth got me hooked, I was like you I had tried everything known to man, even tried crack when I didn't know what I was doing, I laughed at it. Ha Ha, people get addicted to this stuff? whatever..... I didn't get it.
30 seconds after someone convinced me to do a line of METH THOUGH?, my whole life changed.
You never know.
I do agree with what everyone has said run like hell from all the drugs, and also figure out what kind of life you want.
Don't make the same kind of drug mistakes that some of us have made.
*Raises Hand*
I say this not in a mean way really.. I'm nice. lol
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Question and guidance (if possible)
I get that you care a lot about this woman. The truth is though - is that we can love them into their grave. I know how horrible that sounds- but really - it is the truth. *If* you are going to pursue the relationship further, I highly suggest you keep on educating yourself - there is power in knowledge - but also look at what you are getting out of this. WHY you attracted her to begin with. I get it that she is good looking and amazing - but aside from that - what energy is pulling you towards her?
Have you ever wanted to do something where your s/o didn't approve? Have you ever gone so far as wanting to have your cake and eat it too - regardless of the fact that the other one doesn't approve? How did you react? What accomplishments have you made when the other person has wanted it - but you have not for yourself?
These are the questions I ask myself - and I put myself as much as possible in the addict's shoes. What I have come to realize is that - in order for them to feel empowered and that they are making the changes - they have to not only do it themselves - but they have to WANT IT! Want it to the point that nothing is going to get in their way to make that life style change!
When my guy went to rehab - while I knew it was wishful thinking that this was the start of a *new life*..... and that it would just be recovery recovery recovery from that point........ it truly was not. Temptations - cravings - KFUQ - stressors..... etc. - came into play. This is their journey and it's a huge one.....!
Because you have used drugs and can party recreationally - chances are - that is all going to have to stop. How do you feel about that.... really?
Once the use becomes addiction - there is no spiraling out of it and only using recreationally again. The brain chemistry completely changes. You mentioned that it is getting worse and not better. That is typical in relapse scenarios. Addiction IS a disease..... it progresses. It doesn't get better unless sobriety is put into place. Your girlfriend is still hanging out with the same crowd in the same play ground - she still is in addict mindset.
I can't tell you just how much it irritates me that a type of example or consequence for his drug use is put on me. Meaning - I have to "run" - to show him the consequence. Well - i have done that to be honest with you - but like the addict - I'm addicted too! I am co-dependent and the pain of leaving still outweighs the pain of staying.
I think it's good that you are not being so "reactionary" and that you are not making ultimatums. What hurts the situation is when you make empty threats or ultimatums - all that does is cause resentment and then you end up with lower self worth for not following through.
Coming here is a great start for you because you can vent and you can read other people's stories. Your story, as well as, many other stories here are carbon copy to mine. Our addicts are not so unique. Our pain with addicts are not so unique - so you are not alone.
Be true to yourself - honor yourself - understand yourself - and stay in the light. Addiction is a dark and scary place - stay away from the dark side. Only you will know when you have had enough - and know / learn that nothing changes when nothing changes. You can't change her - but you can change yourself.
HUGS
Have you ever wanted to do something where your s/o didn't approve? Have you ever gone so far as wanting to have your cake and eat it too - regardless of the fact that the other one doesn't approve? How did you react? What accomplishments have you made when the other person has wanted it - but you have not for yourself?
These are the questions I ask myself - and I put myself as much as possible in the addict's shoes. What I have come to realize is that - in order for them to feel empowered and that they are making the changes - they have to not only do it themselves - but they have to WANT IT! Want it to the point that nothing is going to get in their way to make that life style change!
When my guy went to rehab - while I knew it was wishful thinking that this was the start of a *new life*..... and that it would just be recovery recovery recovery from that point........ it truly was not. Temptations - cravings - KFUQ - stressors..... etc. - came into play. This is their journey and it's a huge one.....!
Because you have used drugs and can party recreationally - chances are - that is all going to have to stop. How do you feel about that.... really?
Once the use becomes addiction - there is no spiraling out of it and only using recreationally again. The brain chemistry completely changes. You mentioned that it is getting worse and not better. That is typical in relapse scenarios. Addiction IS a disease..... it progresses. It doesn't get better unless sobriety is put into place. Your girlfriend is still hanging out with the same crowd in the same play ground - she still is in addict mindset.
I can't tell you just how much it irritates me that a type of example or consequence for his drug use is put on me. Meaning - I have to "run" - to show him the consequence. Well - i have done that to be honest with you - but like the addict - I'm addicted too! I am co-dependent and the pain of leaving still outweighs the pain of staying.
I think it's good that you are not being so "reactionary" and that you are not making ultimatums. What hurts the situation is when you make empty threats or ultimatums - all that does is cause resentment and then you end up with lower self worth for not following through.
Coming here is a great start for you because you can vent and you can read other people's stories. Your story, as well as, many other stories here are carbon copy to mine. Our addicts are not so unique. Our pain with addicts are not so unique - so you are not alone.
Be true to yourself - honor yourself - understand yourself - and stay in the light. Addiction is a dark and scary place - stay away from the dark side. Only you will know when you have had enough - and know / learn that nothing changes when nothing changes. You can't change her - but you can change yourself.
HUGS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by mooselips 
sknyfats,
By telling you she needs space, I would think it means you are intruding into her lifestyle, and she is not ready or willing to quit.
By telling you she needs space, I would think it means you are intruding into her lifestyle, and she is not ready or willing to quit.
2 things I'd like to say - is that, yes, this whole ordeal has lead me to consider even the occasional use I've done. I've already made up my mind to not even take a puff of a joint ever again - or be around or near anyone else that is using anything. I'm going to check out a nar-anon meeting this week too - just to see what its all about.
As far her - well, last night - things reached their peak - with me at least. She called me in the evening - could barely speak - slurring her words. I got worried she might be doing something like taking her own life or OD'ing. So I went over. Low & behold - there was a coke guy and a weed guy there. I told them to leave because I needed to talk with her.
Big mistake. She flipped out. Told me to get out of her life citing the only reason was because of when I left this past saturday evening, I slammed her door & it screwed up the hinges. She was a complete wreck. Yelling, screaming - like a wild animal. I learned, through her cell phone history (I picked it up to get her sisters phone number initially) - that she was already cheating on me - and had been drinking sincee 10 AM yesterday morning! As well as was trying to find "stuff" - and ritalen throughout the day.
I talked to her sister briefly - let her know she may want to do something - and her sister was so casual & nonchalant from having been through this countless times before. Said thanks - and did some checking up on her. Not sure what all else evolved after that. I knew then & there it was time for me to be as far away from her as I could.
That sucks so bad - but, from what I've seen & experienced - and what I've read up on here from all of you - I am done. Unless she is calling me from a treatment facility - or ask's me to meet her in a treatment facility - I can not & will not allow her back into my life.
I know I can't totally make sense of it all - and shouldn't try - but part of me still tries. That quote up there - so true. I became the enemy because I was no longer putting up with "all the drugs". I know the 3 C's now...I actually feel pretty good - even though I'm still a little fired up, a little disappointed, and a little hurt. I'll be fine soon though. And without having to use drugs myself mind you
Thanks for all your thoughts & words. Not sure I would've been able to make it through safely & smoothly without this place.
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