How being sober affects the relationship
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
How being sober affects the relationship
The first time R stopped drinking it was weird to say the least. I was on eggshells, I didn't know how to act, I didn't know how to or if I could talk to him. I was afraid anything I did or said would be a trigger. It was like that each time he tried to quit actually.
He started going to AA after his last DWI. Every night he went. If he wanted to talk about it we would but I tried to stay out of it. I really think that you have to go through recovery as an individual and the best thing I could do was let him do what he needed to do.
If I were completely honest with my self I was jealous. I did not understand why these people could do for him what I could not. I became angry and resentful. I said some very ugly things about him and a woman in his group that while I know they were both married I also could tell he was attracted to her. I don't mean this to sound like I believe he acted on it, I am just stating a fact. I knew when he was attracted to someone else. I will say that is the only time that I came off as threatening because of it. Reason being-I felt threatened. What if once he was sober he didn't love me anymore? What if he saw how messed up I really am since now he is not seeing me through an alcohol induced haze?
It took a long time for me to be able to relate to the sober R, I had not seen it before. He had drank since before I came along and that was all I knew. When he came back from being in prison things changed as they had to. We had been talking as two sober adults for over two years and I think I knew how to talk to him on both levels at that point. It is no secret that he went back to drinking and that I left him. I finally reached a point where I no longer cared to relate to the intoxicated side.
So how did his or hers not drinking affect you and your relationship? I showed you mine, now you show me yours
He started going to AA after his last DWI. Every night he went. If he wanted to talk about it we would but I tried to stay out of it. I really think that you have to go through recovery as an individual and the best thing I could do was let him do what he needed to do.
If I were completely honest with my self I was jealous. I did not understand why these people could do for him what I could not. I became angry and resentful. I said some very ugly things about him and a woman in his group that while I know they were both married I also could tell he was attracted to her. I don't mean this to sound like I believe he acted on it, I am just stating a fact. I knew when he was attracted to someone else. I will say that is the only time that I came off as threatening because of it. Reason being-I felt threatened. What if once he was sober he didn't love me anymore? What if he saw how messed up I really am since now he is not seeing me through an alcohol induced haze?
It took a long time for me to be able to relate to the sober R, I had not seen it before. He had drank since before I came along and that was all I knew. When he came back from being in prison things changed as they had to. We had been talking as two sober adults for over two years and I think I knew how to talk to him on both levels at that point. It is no secret that he went back to drinking and that I left him. I finally reached a point where I no longer cared to relate to the intoxicated side.
So how did his or hers not drinking affect you and your relationship? I showed you mine, now you show me yours
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Wow ok, GOOD Topic
I have 3 experiences:
One: Our Hero gets sober
Finally I met the "girl of my dreams", she was spectacularly beautiful, had a great career, was intelligent, witty, charming, she had it all. My family and friends liked her even more then they liked me, I had arrived, I was helplessly smitten by this person, it was time to grow up, get married, have a family...join the ranks of "normal" people after being an outcast my whole life.
There was only one problem.
I was an alcoholic, I thought that (if only this then that) if I met the girl of my dreams, I would stop partying so much (like my friends) and settle down. I couldn't. Not only that...I had a duel addiction...many people have a few beers, then turn straight to cocaine...not me....
I couldn't stop cheating on her
I would wake up in the morning...the daily horror and remorse and self loathing was indescribable...I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop drinking and sleeping with other women, I was a bartender so I had ample opportunity.
Anyway, she knew what was going on, although she never caught me, and the "tortures" she put me through (while "justified" as it were) were horrible and constant.
Anyway, to make a long story a bit shorter, I finally slept with someone "at" her, then told her about it. This was supposed to be "behavior modification" to get her to be nicer to me to show her I didn't need her or her "meanness".
Needless to say, it backfired, she threw me out, I went on a weeklong bender, had my alcoholic "bottom" and that's when I got sober.
We ended up getting back together, and I had changed, I had worked the steps, made my amends...I was a different person, but she wasn't.
She continued "torturing" me, and for a long time I jumped through her hoops until one day, at work I watched a beautiful young man die in my arms, I went home and left her that day. We ended up getting back together, and for a long time it was actually OK, when she would "come at me" I would smile, I felt like a lighthouse with a solid foundation and the ocean was crashing at my feet, and I would clearly state, this has nothing to do with me, my side of the street is clean, if you are having a problem with this, it's your problem.
She finally had her "codie bottom", and started attending Coda, the next few years were even worse, as she tried to use the program to manipulate me and the situation. ultimately after a few years I drank, we reverted back to our old patterns, she ended up throwing me out.
Two: Our sober Hero dates in Sobriety
Five years later, I got sober for "me", I worked the steps, blah blah then I met T_____ and here is what that was like:
She is my best friend today, we talk a few times a day, and she is my favorite person in the whole world, she has near 22 years of sobriety, and she is one of the wisest, kindest people I have ever met.
Three: Full Circle: Our Sober Hero dates a "non sober" person who gets Sober
This was horrible, all of my character defects were in full sway and I picked a truly wounded human being.
I ended up "going out" (drinking) with her, six months later, I decided drinking wasn't the answer, and got sober
After one of our gazillion breakups, I told her I wouldn't date her unless she either went to therapy or alanon.
She did therapy until we got back together, then tapered off. We ended up breaking up again. she started reading books, after a few months we got back together again, again stating unless she got help, I wasn't interested in dating her. I took her to first Alanon meeting, sat next to her, and held her hand, lotta hugs, lotta support from me.
She decided Alanon wasn't for her, but she might like AA, I think she went to one, maybe two meetings, didn't like them. So I took her to some big meetings with "healthy looking people". Her bottom was a high one, and her "outsides" looked great, good job, good mother, etc, she couldn't relate to "low bottom" drunks.
anyway, ultimately, it all turned out rather badly, within a short period of time, she was taking my inventory, and using the principles of the program as a weapon, and she got very resentful of me "meddling" in "her" program, as in introducing her to women, trying to get her to go to her own meetings, trying to take distance (you know how bad it looks to be an "old timer" and be sitting there with a "newcomer'? thats a HUGE no-no in AA, I set my ego aside, took her to meetings, held her hand as she introduced herself etc. I was doing what we do in AA, but...it backfired pretty badly.
Anyway, it all ended rather badly, we ended up going down the same path we always did, she starts drifting away, stops answering the phone, she started "taking space for herself" (disappearing at night), started blocking me from her "social sites" on the internet while inviting strange new men I had never heard of to her sites. We made plans to meet at her house, and when I got there she asked me to leave, told me she was having "issues" around sexuality, she didn't want to continue to have to make amends around her sexual behavior her whole life (we'd had sex once in a month) and she didn't want to be in a relationship any more, but said she didn't want me to "leave" I told her this frightened me badly, so she stated "I will call you tomorrow morning"
I went home, and that's when I found she had "blocked" me from her "social site" and there was a new man on there. So I called her the next day, no answer, texted her, waited till afternoon, then IM'd her, told her I was terrified, and please just give me two minutes of her time for clarification, she "yelled" at me, told me I was insecure, and I needed "professional help" because I was "so needy" and a "drama queen" and that "my feelings were my own", she couldn't help it if I was insecure, told me I wasn't respecting her boundary, said "what part of yesterday confused you?" (when she asked for space) attacked me in a couple of other ways and then told me to "go away" so I did.
We had done this maybe a dozen times before, with my reactions to her behaviors reducing me to an insecure quivering mass of insecure jelly. I had caught her literally in another mans arms in the past, and caught her lying about dating people while we were broken up, and caught her lying to me on about a weekly basis, so I was pretty triggered.
I said "consider me gone" we said unfriendly things to each other for maybe another ten minutes and played "the blame game" and that was ten days ago, and here I am.
Today, I think of Martin Luther King Jr. and how maybe he used to date her too in a past life when he said "Free at laaaaast, free at laaaast, thank GOD, we are free at last"
Amen Brother I say to him
I have 3 experiences:
One: Our Hero gets sober
Finally I met the "girl of my dreams", she was spectacularly beautiful, had a great career, was intelligent, witty, charming, she had it all. My family and friends liked her even more then they liked me, I had arrived, I was helplessly smitten by this person, it was time to grow up, get married, have a family...join the ranks of "normal" people after being an outcast my whole life.
There was only one problem.
I was an alcoholic, I thought that (if only this then that) if I met the girl of my dreams, I would stop partying so much (like my friends) and settle down. I couldn't. Not only that...I had a duel addiction...many people have a few beers, then turn straight to cocaine...not me....
I couldn't stop cheating on her
I would wake up in the morning...the daily horror and remorse and self loathing was indescribable...I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop drinking and sleeping with other women, I was a bartender so I had ample opportunity.
Anyway, she knew what was going on, although she never caught me, and the "tortures" she put me through (while "justified" as it were) were horrible and constant.
Anyway, to make a long story a bit shorter, I finally slept with someone "at" her, then told her about it. This was supposed to be "behavior modification" to get her to be nicer to me to show her I didn't need her or her "meanness".
Needless to say, it backfired, she threw me out, I went on a weeklong bender, had my alcoholic "bottom" and that's when I got sober.
We ended up getting back together, and I had changed, I had worked the steps, made my amends...I was a different person, but she wasn't.
She continued "torturing" me, and for a long time I jumped through her hoops until one day, at work I watched a beautiful young man die in my arms, I went home and left her that day. We ended up getting back together, and for a long time it was actually OK, when she would "come at me" I would smile, I felt like a lighthouse with a solid foundation and the ocean was crashing at my feet, and I would clearly state, this has nothing to do with me, my side of the street is clean, if you are having a problem with this, it's your problem.
She finally had her "codie bottom", and started attending Coda, the next few years were even worse, as she tried to use the program to manipulate me and the situation. ultimately after a few years I drank, we reverted back to our old patterns, she ended up throwing me out.
Two: Our sober Hero dates in Sobriety
Five years later, I got sober for "me", I worked the steps, blah blah then I met T_____ and here is what that was like:
truthfully, by far and away the best relationship I have ever had was with a woman with Long Term Sobriety.
We ended up breaking up because I moved away, and while I won't paint a picture of Ward and June cleaver and blow sunshine up yer A$$ about how perfect it was, it was the best relationship I have ever been a part of.
We had problems, we had difficulties, however, we had TOOLS, we went to couples counseling and therapy early on to get a handle on things when it started to get squirrelly but some of the good things were:
She was STILL, I mean she was VERY still, and she spoke her truth, no lies, no manipulations, no prevarications, and she was gentle, and vulnerable. When something was possibly "modified by her filter" as in if she was triggered or insecure about something, or something was possibly based on her issues and not "reality" she always made that clear.
She knew the rules for "fighting fair" and used them, "I feel" "I think" etc. she never laid her trips on my head. This is your action, this is how it made me feel. period. end of story. no way to argue with that.
She hit HARD, and I mean HARD, when she told the truth, it was HER truth, and there was NO getting around it, however, she was vulnerable, she would expose herself to me...like I have NEVER seen..it was amazing.
What that made me do is learn how to listen, learn how to be still (took her awhile to get warmed up) but it FORCED me to tell the truth, to respect her words, to respect her actions...and it took away all that drama.
By sitting still and walking through our issues, the interesting thing was we were always coming from the same place, however our "acting out" about it looked completely different, I reacted to abandonment by going to a meeting and staying out till 2-3 AM with my friends, whereas she acted completely different, (Mars Venus anyone?) but when we had a "sit down" about it...true healing took place.
We ended up breaking up because I moved away, and while I won't paint a picture of Ward and June cleaver and blow sunshine up yer A$$ about how perfect it was, it was the best relationship I have ever been a part of.
We had problems, we had difficulties, however, we had TOOLS, we went to couples counseling and therapy early on to get a handle on things when it started to get squirrelly but some of the good things were:
She was STILL, I mean she was VERY still, and she spoke her truth, no lies, no manipulations, no prevarications, and she was gentle, and vulnerable. When something was possibly "modified by her filter" as in if she was triggered or insecure about something, or something was possibly based on her issues and not "reality" she always made that clear.
She knew the rules for "fighting fair" and used them, "I feel" "I think" etc. she never laid her trips on my head. This is your action, this is how it made me feel. period. end of story. no way to argue with that.
She hit HARD, and I mean HARD, when she told the truth, it was HER truth, and there was NO getting around it, however, she was vulnerable, she would expose herself to me...like I have NEVER seen..it was amazing.
What that made me do is learn how to listen, learn how to be still (took her awhile to get warmed up) but it FORCED me to tell the truth, to respect her words, to respect her actions...and it took away all that drama.
By sitting still and walking through our issues, the interesting thing was we were always coming from the same place, however our "acting out" about it looked completely different, I reacted to abandonment by going to a meeting and staying out till 2-3 AM with my friends, whereas she acted completely different, (Mars Venus anyone?) but when we had a "sit down" about it...true healing took place.
Three: Full Circle: Our Sober Hero dates a "non sober" person who gets Sober
This was horrible, all of my character defects were in full sway and I picked a truly wounded human being.
I ended up "going out" (drinking) with her, six months later, I decided drinking wasn't the answer, and got sober
After one of our gazillion breakups, I told her I wouldn't date her unless she either went to therapy or alanon.
She did therapy until we got back together, then tapered off. We ended up breaking up again. she started reading books, after a few months we got back together again, again stating unless she got help, I wasn't interested in dating her. I took her to first Alanon meeting, sat next to her, and held her hand, lotta hugs, lotta support from me.
She decided Alanon wasn't for her, but she might like AA, I think she went to one, maybe two meetings, didn't like them. So I took her to some big meetings with "healthy looking people". Her bottom was a high one, and her "outsides" looked great, good job, good mother, etc, she couldn't relate to "low bottom" drunks.
anyway, ultimately, it all turned out rather badly, within a short period of time, she was taking my inventory, and using the principles of the program as a weapon, and she got very resentful of me "meddling" in "her" program, as in introducing her to women, trying to get her to go to her own meetings, trying to take distance (you know how bad it looks to be an "old timer" and be sitting there with a "newcomer'? thats a HUGE no-no in AA, I set my ego aside, took her to meetings, held her hand as she introduced herself etc. I was doing what we do in AA, but...it backfired pretty badly.
Anyway, it all ended rather badly, we ended up going down the same path we always did, she starts drifting away, stops answering the phone, she started "taking space for herself" (disappearing at night), started blocking me from her "social sites" on the internet while inviting strange new men I had never heard of to her sites. We made plans to meet at her house, and when I got there she asked me to leave, told me she was having "issues" around sexuality, she didn't want to continue to have to make amends around her sexual behavior her whole life (we'd had sex once in a month) and she didn't want to be in a relationship any more, but said she didn't want me to "leave" I told her this frightened me badly, so she stated "I will call you tomorrow morning"
I went home, and that's when I found she had "blocked" me from her "social site" and there was a new man on there. So I called her the next day, no answer, texted her, waited till afternoon, then IM'd her, told her I was terrified, and please just give me two minutes of her time for clarification, she "yelled" at me, told me I was insecure, and I needed "professional help" because I was "so needy" and a "drama queen" and that "my feelings were my own", she couldn't help it if I was insecure, told me I wasn't respecting her boundary, said "what part of yesterday confused you?" (when she asked for space) attacked me in a couple of other ways and then told me to "go away" so I did.
We had done this maybe a dozen times before, with my reactions to her behaviors reducing me to an insecure quivering mass of insecure jelly. I had caught her literally in another mans arms in the past, and caught her lying about dating people while we were broken up, and caught her lying to me on about a weekly basis, so I was pretty triggered.
I said "consider me gone" we said unfriendly things to each other for maybe another ten minutes and played "the blame game" and that was ten days ago, and here I am.
Today, I think of Martin Luther King Jr. and how maybe he used to date her too in a past life when he said "Free at laaaaast, free at laaaast, thank GOD, we are free at last"
Amen Brother I say to him
Last edited by Ago; 10-05-2008 at 04:37 PM.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by TooMuch4TooLong 
So how did his or hers not drinking affect you and your relationship? I showed you mine, now you show me yours
Mine never did quit drinking....still has not.
I can tell you how MY not drinking affected the relationship. I got sober 1 year b4 a judge put my wife out of the house, b4 that I was right there with her. Well, not quite, I still had to get up and go to work and keep things together.
But man I can tell you from experience...if you live with a drunk, I highly recommend drinking. God that was one l-o-n-g year! Ha!
I'm kidding of course....kind of. Man, we've got people in my Alanon group that don't drink that have putting up with their spouses nonsence for 20, 30, 40 years. My hat is off to them.
I don't know if they are stronger than me, or weaker, you know? I know even with an Alanon I-V I wouldn't be able to detach and put up with 10% of the crap I was allowing myself to be subjected to.
NOT living under the same roof with an active A really opens your eyes to how bad it has gradually gotten. Thank you God.
Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug2
Coyote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 163
Thanks for being so honest. I have had a few conversations with people where I have said the only way I could stop myself from beating him was by having a couple of beers. The last couple of years we were together I could not be in the same room with him when he was drinking unless I had either smoked a bowl which I don't want to do because I really like my job or had a couple of beers. I hated that he drove me stark butt crazy.
Ago my brother is where you have been sort of. In the last couple of years he married a much younger woman who's parents are A's. They came down to visit and it was not a good experience. I recommended this forum to her and a friend at her work recommended Al Anon to her. Al Anon changed her life according to my brother who is now working on his recovery. She manipulated the program to suit her needs. My recommending this site backfired in that he blamed me for directing her toward Al Anon, something I for my own reasons did not do. It took a long time for us to work past his blame issues but we are. Unfortunately his spouse is not at that point.
I would like to hear from more of you, how has your SO's sobriety or drying out affected you and your relationship. I think this is something we can all learn from.
Ago my brother is where you have been sort of. In the last couple of years he married a much younger woman who's parents are A's. They came down to visit and it was not a good experience. I recommended this forum to her and a friend at her work recommended Al Anon to her. Al Anon changed her life according to my brother who is now working on his recovery. She manipulated the program to suit her needs. My recommending this site backfired in that he blamed me for directing her toward Al Anon, something I for my own reasons did not do. It took a long time for us to work past his blame issues but we are. Unfortunately his spouse is not at that point.
I would like to hear from more of you, how has your SO's sobriety or drying out affected you and your relationship. I think this is something we can all learn from.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
My exabf got sober a few months after dating. He was a raging A and i couldn't take anymore. Dating someone that heavily drank and then got sober was like dating 2 different people. Can't stand either one of them! We are no longer together as he cheated on me with his ex, she got pregnant a month later and they got married after that. A mess! Not sure if he is still sober but sometimes A or not, some just display unacceptable behavior. I do have to say, in my personal situation, he went to AA, got into the steps but NEVER grasped true sobriety as he was worse than ever, a dry drunk and miserable. To this day he still owe's me a loan of $8,500, that he pays monthly and we haven't spoken since a year ago July. Good luck to them now, no longer my problem to deal with 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by TooMuch4TooLong
What if once he was sober he didn't love me anymore? What if he saw how messed up I really am since now he is not seeing me through an alcohol induced haze?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
My AH was drunk the day I met him. When we started dating he stopped drinking and remained sober for about nine years until our first son was born. He was not the nicest guy in the world when he was sober and acted angry most of the time and took it out on me verbally. But at other times he was a really nice guy.
Then he started drinking again and seemed to become a lot more social, but he was still a jerk at home. He got a DUI within a year and stopped drinking for a few months. He was very nasty during that time. Then he started drinking again. His drinking got worse and then he was in an accident and got a second DUI. He stopped drinking and started going to AA because his lawyer gave him a sheet for someone to sign and the meetings so he could show the judge that he went 30 times in a row. But he started to face his past and seemed to be on the right track. He was actually a really nice guy during this time - like the guy I married. However, the charges were dropped (legal technicallity - they took his blood when he was unconscious and he was not the one the caused the accident). AH celebrated by drinking and hasn't stopped since, even after wreaking my car while drunk. He thinks that NOTHING is fun without the booze. I believe he is probably in the second stage of alcoholism and shows no signs of stopping.
Through it all I've learned a lot about myself and what I want and don't want in a relationship. I've found that in the past I didn't think I deserved to be treated well because I didn't think I deserved it (past childhood experiences) and I thought that I had to always "be good" and put everyone else first because if anyone was mad at me for ANYTHING it was my fault (more childhood crap from the past). I was the perfect fit for an alcoholic - I took the blame for EVERYTHING, but now I don't. And I don't feel guilty when I take care of my own needs.
Then he started drinking again and seemed to become a lot more social, but he was still a jerk at home. He got a DUI within a year and stopped drinking for a few months. He was very nasty during that time. Then he started drinking again. His drinking got worse and then he was in an accident and got a second DUI. He stopped drinking and started going to AA because his lawyer gave him a sheet for someone to sign and the meetings so he could show the judge that he went 30 times in a row. But he started to face his past and seemed to be on the right track. He was actually a really nice guy during this time - like the guy I married. However, the charges were dropped (legal technicallity - they took his blood when he was unconscious and he was not the one the caused the accident). AH celebrated by drinking and hasn't stopped since, even after wreaking my car while drunk. He thinks that NOTHING is fun without the booze. I believe he is probably in the second stage of alcoholism and shows no signs of stopping.
Through it all I've learned a lot about myself and what I want and don't want in a relationship. I've found that in the past I didn't think I deserved to be treated well because I didn't think I deserved it (past childhood experiences) and I thought that I had to always "be good" and put everyone else first because if anyone was mad at me for ANYTHING it was my fault (more childhood crap from the past). I was the perfect fit for an alcoholic - I took the blame for EVERYTHING, but now I don't. And I don't feel guilty when I take care of my own needs.
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