blessed4x

My MIL and FIL are in town. I had discussed the impending seperation and reasons with my MIL about a week ago. She was VERY supportive, said her son needed a wake-up call, and that I should pack his bags.

So now my AH has not had a drink (that I can prove, nor that is apparent) since last weekend. I was gone most of the day with one of our kids and when I got home my MIL said my AH hadn't had a drop all day and that he said he couldn't even have a beer because he was taking our other son to his game.

I just don't know what to do with all of it. He's still angry and we aren't really speaking much (which is really interesting with his parents here). Now I think he's on a campaign to prove he's not an alcoholic and has "witnesses" that will back him up. I just have a feeling I'm going to come out of this one looking like the lying B****.

Then the completely co-dependent part of me thinks, what if he really has changed this time? This is the longest he has been without a drink in at least 2 years. UGGHH......does the self-doubt ever end?

bostonluv

IMO - He's just putting on a show for the family. You know what's gone on in your own home for goodness sakes. Don't let yourself get mainpulated by his acting abilities. You know you're not lying. Why would anyone lie about that? Just wanted to put your mind at ease a bit. If he's trying to change, GREAT but you probably have every reason to believe it's just a performance. One week of sobriety is great but it's also just a week.

Ago

A When his mom backs you up....she knows what's going on, she may love her son unconditionally, but if she has eyes....Alkies truly ...they put on a good show, but you can't fool Mom

B)Don't worry what people think, this isn't about them, it's about YOU and your life. I mean I think it was Dr. Seuss quoted
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

C)Doubtful, as in EXTREMELY doubtful that he has miraculously changed over night, and if he does, can that be bad? give it time.

D) Yes, emphatically yes, every day for me the doubt lessens...I met my sponsor the other day and he said the stupidest thing anyone in the world can ever say to me "So....Tell me what's going on"

So 3 hours later I stopped to take a breath he said, "STOP!!!, write this down, This sh1t's gotta stop!!!" Now write why...I did...and it did...my obsessing about the relationship stopped after writing that list, and when the obsession left, so did the doubt.

AWEDA

I know the feeling..
Every time he quit for a few days things were good,
and I thought we are going to be okay.he drank again.

Having my hope thrown in the toilet killed me a little more each time.

He was always putting on a show about how he cared for his family in front of others. Master manipulation,I'm just sorry it took me over 20 years to
figure it out.

blessed4x

That's the thing. She (MIL) is kind of acting strange, like maybe I was making it up. I've always been closer to her than my own mom. But I'm sure she has her own issues, as my FIL IMO is an alcoholic too. I guess she would have to look at that possibility if she were to admit her son were one.

My thoughts are that I should keep my appointment with the attorney, do my best at detaching in the meantime, and see where it goes from there. Even if he has made changes, he is not admitting there was a problem to begin with. Also, I feel like the trust in our relationship is gone.

ToughChoices

You're right on track, blessed4x!

Even if your MIL became convinced that you were making the whole thing up, it would not change the truth of the situation one bit.

I think it's very progressive of you to make note of her issues - if she has spent time and energy hoping and trying to control an alcoholic she will most likely have a difficult time letting go of this situation.

That doesn't reflect her love for you - just her limitations. We've all got 'em!

For me, recognizing the life events that may have shaped the limitations of the people that I love helps me to forgive and understand when they fall short of providing me with what I want/need emotionally.

Keep your chin up. Know that you are loved, and keep taking the steps that demonstrate that love for yourself.

Take care!
-TC

Learning how

blessedx4, I think the self doubt is part of what makes it so hard to move on. IMO sounds like your A is trying to prove he doesn't have a problem.

When I was in a simular situation I cont meeting with the attorney and got the paper work started. At that point, my AH did find AA.
I still have doubts about the decision I made. Its not easy even with AA. I have some issues and fears and so does he.

What I have learned here and in Alanon is that we codie people have got to learn to take care of ourselves. The A will do what the A will do.
Good luck with this.

Seeking Wisdom

I can totally relate to your situation. My AH was a master at sobering up (or appearing so) when around those he wanted to mislead or impress. He could act like a totally different person in other's presence ... usually his parents or mine. One time, while at his worst, he went to visit his mom out of state .. and evidently convinced her that he really hadn't been drinking... despite her having been previously told for years about his alcohol abuse and deeply troubling behavior. After the visit to see his mom, I noticed that she became a bit more distant. Later, when the truth about his drinking finally came out in .... his mom finally admitted to me about how he had actually convinced her that he wasn't drinking and that she had regretfully believed him. This happened even though she knew I had never lied to her in all the years she had known me, while he had been caught in endless lies.

After many incidents over many years, with my AH pretending to be Mr. Wholesome Good Guy when he wanted to manipulate others.... I learned I could never count on anyone for real support, because behind my back ... he was always trying to convince everyone that I was being difficult and overreacting. I also learned that unless other people have actually lived day in and day out with an active alcoholic...they can never really comprehend all the manipulation, lies, deceit, and irrational behavior that goes on behind the scenes... with endless promises to change, followed by endless relapses. The never ending roller coaster ride of improved behavior that fills us with hope, only to come crashing back down once again. Some alcoholics find life long sobriety ... and we keep hoping that will be our alcoholic's destiny as well... but too often it is just one long heartbreaking, whirlwind of disappointment and chaos ... and precious lost years.

blessed4x

Thank you all for your replies. This weekend has been so strange for me. Usually when the in-laws come it's a big weekend of nothing but beer for the men and stress for me. Today was so nice. No one stumbling around yelling obscenities at the TV. I had this moment of "Oh my gosh, is this what functional families do?" I don't anticipate it will last, and I won't be disappointed when it doesn't, but for today I had a glimpse of what can be.

Tomorrow they head home, and it's back to just us. No one to impress, no one to put on a show for.

Barbara52

Personally, I know my perceptions are the only ones that count for me. Only I know what I am living with. Only I know what my needs and wants are. Only I can decide what I want to do in my life and where that can lead me. While I may welcome some peoples' opinions, only I can decide what to do.

Silverberry1331

Hi there!

I know exactly what you mean by all of this!

My AH also sobers up. In fact, he is a sneaky drinker. He calls me periodically, and never sounds like he had a drop. He abstained at family functions, parties, and other events. Even told people that he is an alcoholic and can't risk his sobriety. The problem is that this is abstinence and not soberity. There is such a difference.

I gauge it all on the following question: Is he going to AA and following the program?

I don't check up on that, but know from his actions...He is the same as he ever was in his thoughts, his behaviors, his coping equipment...I have no doubt if I took him back today, he would only be able to maintain for so long. Eventually, I would back at square one.

Also, you know how they say birds of a feather? Well, just like addicts and alcoholics associate with other addicts and alcoholics, so do us codies, I think. Between me, my mother, my sister, and some of my closest friends, we are living in a codie commune. Sounds like, your poor MIL is looking to invite you to hers. She is protecting herself in the only way she knows how...by fooling herself that things have changed.

Sounds like you know better... Continue to detach with love, and follow through on what your heart is telling you.

Love, peace, and chicken grease!
Silverberry!

sailorjohn

Ever hear of a term called "Gaslighting"? Comes from the title of a late 40's movie, plot revolves around an evil husband trying to make his wife think she's insane. Toby Rice Drews mentions it her book, and gives this very good advice: Remember the Facts!

blessed4x

Hey, thanks! So I looked up "gaslighting" and got a little more info. It is exactly what he does. Is it intentional or subconscious? There have been many occasions when he told me he said something, or did (or did not do) something and I felt like maybe I was losing it. After recently learning about blackouts I thought maybe that was what was going on, because I wasn't aware that someone could actually appear sober, carry on a conversation and be in a blackout. He seems so convinced that what he is saying is accurate.

Most of the time it's completely trivial stuff, like where we ate out the week before, or what we was on TV. I will "remember the facts" next time this happens!

sailorjohn

Possibly a combination of both. If they aren't drinking at the time, it's definitely intentional. Remembering the facts has mainly to do with being aware of what the alcoholics do-how they act. And when they try that thing where you start to question your own sanity or good judgment, remember that you're dealing with an alcohol soaked brain.

Ago

I just googled that as well...Oh my!!!!

I been lit up

lol

it's really not funny....

wow

well played sir, thank you for that gem

Blondie

My MIL was supportive too, until he son told her he drank because I didn't pay attention to him (that was the first lie) and then a few years later said he drank because I didn't cook good meals (second lie) and I was a bit** because I was peri menopausal. She believed him. She then proceeded to tell him that he was NOT an alcoholic and didn't need AA and suggested that I come up to her house so she could show me how to cook. Interesting thing is that her husband is an alcoholic too (though now sober, but still very mean). I think that she didn't want to face the truth that her son could be an alcoholic and held on to any shred of hope (lies or anything) to prove that he wasn't. All that matters is what YOU know, you can't control anybody elses thoughts or feelings.

Gaslighting is a favorite device of alcoholics and/or verbal abusers. Mine used this all of the time and started a campaign years ago to convince me that I was crazy (really and truely crazy) but he didn't want me to see a professional because HE said he could help me. Well I started journaling what was happening to prove to myself that I was not crazy. I then got professional help and low and behold my journal and my counselors proved to me that I was not crazy and imagining things, I just needed to be more assertive and establish boundries. They actually wanted to see HIM. He went to one of the counselors for one session and came home and told me that SHE was crazy and that she said he didn't need any help and then he told me that she said he needed a psychiatrist (contradiction?). When I had my next meeting with her she told me that she was looking forward to her sessions with my AH and that he was very enthused as well. I told her that he told me SHE was the crazy one and he wasn't ever going back - and he never did go back to see her ever. He even gaslighted the counselor, and that shocked the heck out of her because he was so good at it.