justme623

Hi, I'm new to this site, not new to AA or recovery, but I still have not gotten it. My story, the short version of it, I started drinking in high school, nothing big. Since my 20's, actually right after my dad died in 92 the drinking has been out of control. I do believe that this disease is progressive, I started drinking just when I went out to bars, now I drink in the a.m. sometimes, at work sometimes, every day, I have to hide it from my husband. I am just a mess! About 5 years ago I was living alone, never went out or had many friends. I went to work, came home and just drank until I passed out. I spent the weekend at home completely drunk. That was my bottom. I believe in God and do believe that he has given me blessings since then, probably thought it would help me to get my life in order and stop drinking. I can honestly say I have everything I want today and have come soooo far since then. I married my soul mate, we have a beautiful 16 mo old son, and I have gotten back into my field of work, which for a long time I thought would be impossible because of my legal troubles. I cannot figure out what could be wrong, what is going on in my head that would allow me to continue to drink when I have everything to loose if I continue. What I really want is to be able to stop. I go to meetings and it doesn't help. I actually get anxiety about having to go. I have been in inpatient as well as outpatient treatment, I don't have the money to do that anymore. I can usually put together a few days or a week, but then give in to my cravings. I know others here may have felt the same as I do today, why can't I do this? I don't have any major psycological issues to deal with, I'm actually pretty normal, I bet there are people that know me that would be SHOCKED if they knew what kind of life I had before, shocked to know I drink like this. I could really use some advice. THANKS!!!

Lenina

justme,

Welcome to Sober Recovery! Lots of good people here with experience. Denial is tough, but once you recognize you have a problem and are willing to accept help, that's half the battle won. Read through the forums and stickies, I found it very helpful.

And stick around! We are glad to see you!

Love,

Lenina

CarolD

I too had many false starts on my way to recovery.

Then I read a book..."Under The Influence" by milam & Ketcham
that convinced me to finally quit drinking.

I re connected to God and AA
and have not had another drink.

Blessings to you and your family
Welcome to our recovery community

IO Storm

justme..

Welcome to SR!

You have so much going on inside..

Hiding it from your husband, drinking in the a.m., on the job...maybe

the anxiety about meetings is also about the "hidden" aspect of it all?

To have this internal pressure..the "secrets" is so hard.

Why not get a temp sponsor at the next meeting? You can tell them

all this..relieve the pressure that has building. And receive guidance.

I am glad you came to SR..keep reading, posting...

We have all been where you are.

You are not alone..

Hugs

least

I knew last December that I had to stop drinking. Today I've got 80 days sober, so you can see how many times I tried and failed. It CAN be done tho, and we're here to help you get it right. Read the stickies at the top of the forums for lots of good info.

You are not alone! We are here with you!

:ghug3

Horselover

Can definitely relate with most of what was said in your post. We don't need a reason to drink. Life could be going along just great and we would want to drink. Life could be throwing us some curve balls and we would want to drink. When you are an alcoholic you tend to drink just cause. You noticed that its a progressive disease and things will spiral if the cycle isn't interrupted. You have to have a plan on how to stop it.

If AA isn't working for you then find something else. There are many roads to recovery and many programs. There is also this site, which is what's currently working for me.

Change up your routine if that would help you. I would start drinking late afternoon until bedtime. I started doing anything I could to be away from the kitchen at 4 pm and I did that until the cravings went away. I still sometimes have to find something to busy myself with until the cravings pass. They don't come as often, but I still get them occasionally.

You will see people that come on here and post an S.O.S. before they drink and it usually prevents them from taking that first drink. Its day by day, minute by minute, but you already know that. I hope you continue reaching out. :ghug3

mle-sober

Good job coming here and seeking help. Welcome to SR.

Others have said it above. I was a secret drinker too. That secrecy is a horrible part of alcoholism. I had so much shame but couldn't seem to control myself. I think finding a way through the secrecy might help you. It will hurt. It might threaten everything you have. But right now, you are already doing that by actively drinking.

AA can be a life line. Get a sponsor! No excuses! Go every day and work those steps. If you are finding time to drink than you can find time to go to meetings and truly, deeply invest in your recovery.

If you can't get rid of the secrecy with your husband, at the very least tell him that you are struggling with your disease and that you need more help than you are getting. Get him to cover you while you go to your meetings and meet with your sponsor.

I know that AA is not for everyone. But it's helped me. And when I sit in those rooms and I listen to someone tell that they have "gone back out" or "had a slip" or however they put it and then they admit that they have not been going to meetings and they don't have a sponsor and they haven't been working the steps -- well it just is so sad. The path toward sobriety is laid out before you in AA. If you truly follow that path with your whole heart and soul (and with your TIME) I believe it can work for anyone.

I know, maybe others don't agree. And that's fine with me. I wouldn't have talked about it so vehemently if you didn't mention AA. I mean, if AA is just not your thing, then I know there are other paths. Go to the library or the book store and get some books. There are lots of them. Look into therapy (I know expensive). Try anti-abuse or Campral. Set aside time each day to read and reflect and write. Exercise. Don't keep alcohol in the house (obviously). You can't drink in the morning if you don't have anything to drink.

Act as if your life depended upon getting sober. Because it does. And you can do this. Others have done it before you and you can do it too.

I think truly surrendering to the fact that you are powerless over fermented grapes or barely is a very, very powerful thing. It's humbling. And shameful. But standing up and taking responsibility for that is equally powerful. And it puts you on the road to recovery. And it protects everything good that you have in your life right now. You child. Your marriage. Your job.

Think of all the terrible things that could happen if you keep drinking. I'm not just talking DUIs. I'm talking deaths. What would you do with the rest of your life if you hurt (or worse) your child accidently while you were drunk? What would that do to your future? Every single day, I give thanks that I didn't do that. It was a fluke - I drove inebriated with my children ON THE FREEWAY all the time before I got sober. I'm so, so incredibly grateful I didn't hurt anyone. Contemplate these possibilities and make the choice to stand up to your disease and fight with everything you have. You can win.

Horselover

Listen to MLE-Sober. She knows it and she gave it to you. Run with it my dear.

Chops

Thanks for the post, you just wrote my story here above, well mine has some variations / other events but the jist is the same, especially how small one's world can become. I would drink at home and solve the world's problems in my boxer shorts over a handle of vodka. Went from being an Masters candidate in International Relations to arguing with CNN world news.

Alone and scared, the master of my one bedroom apartment, now that is alcoholism for me. I have no real advice, meetings are what help me stay sober because I can identify with other alcoholics, the same thing happens at meetings like when I read your post, I say "I am not alone and certainly not all that unique, other people drink like me", I am not happy that others go through what I go through but it is comforting all the same.

C

mxchaos

welcome and take it a day at a time

tennis71

Welcome to Sober Recovery, this is a safe place to be and many of us have experiences similar to yours.

If you are like me, then you don't need a reason to drink. You drink because you are an alcoholic, it is in our nature. Once that 1st one goes down, a chain reaction of irrational behavior and cravings begins. You know the rest.

You have been to AA but have you gotten a sponsor and worked the steps? Attending the meetings without taking action will not do a lot of good. If you don't think AA is your cup of tea, try another program of recovery. There are links on this site to Smart recovery and a few more. I don't have any experience with those so you might start a new thread asking for members to give their feedback on other programs.

No matter what, do not give up hope - recovery can be yours if you want it. Take it one day at a time, try not to drink and keep coming here to post.

Thanks for sharing.

:praying

nogard

Welcome to SR

caitlin666

justme your life is very much was like mine, atm im justing trying to do it day by day,

we are all here for you..........you CAN do this:ghug