candiix

Hi there,

I might be posting this in the wrong forum - if so please let me know - but I felt that I need to hear from other alcoholics how your thinking works when you're in the grip of this because I simply don't understand.

I am not an alcoholic, though I do drink. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. He's now my ex. We were together for just over a year and were living together. The whole time, and all his adult life (I've known him since we were teenager, now in our 30s) he has always had a problem with binge drinking and three or four day benders where he doesn’t come home, spends all his money and misses work. Then during the week he continues to drink, just not as much.

This last weekend I had had enough of him not coming home, stealing drinks from me and pretending not to be in the pub when he was etc etc, and packed up all his stuff and asked him to leave. His parents supported me on this – his dad even told me to do it – and say he needs tough love.

The problem is, I feel like I am punishing myself. I miss him terribly and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. When things were good they were brilliant and it was only when he would start drinking that problems happened. If he could conquer this there is no reason why we wouldn’t be together.

I haven’t heard from him since he took his stuff. Maybe he’s fine about it being over? Maybe he never loved me that much? I was kind of hoping this would be the shock he needed to make him make a real change but instead he seems happy to be free to drink more without me to feel guilty about.

What should I do? I never actually told him stop drinking and we have a chance. I just threw him out in anger.

bostonluv

Welcome. I think you made the right decision. Give it some time. If you go back on it now he'll never take it seriously again. When my boyfriend would leave, get fed up with me, I always thought, Great. Now I can really drink without getting in trouble. I didn't miss him right away because all I could think about was how nice it would be not to have the booze police around.

Anna

Hi,

I hope you can focus on yourself and taking care of what you need.

Stubborn1

He probably did love you but he loves his alcohol more. They don't just stop because you ask them to and they don't stop because of love, money or anything you can offer him. He will go find another sucker to be with who allows him to drink. I know it sucks to know you will be replaced so easy but that's what alcoholics do.
He has to really want to stop for himself not for anyone or anything else and get himself help or he will never get sober.
Count yourself lucky you didn't get to spend the rest of your life with him because it's pure hell and chaos.
You will proabably find that if you go and live a happy life that in twenty years he will be exactly the same person doing the exact same things or dead. Let's hope he becomes sober but that's all you can do is hope.
They only think about the alcohol and all else is in it's way.
If you really want tons more information you can try al-anon meetings and maybe the next person you are with won't be able to play you.
Best wishes.

parentrecovers

it's tough to live with an active alcoholic. maybe some separation time will do you some good? keep reaching out, and take a look at the friends and family section here.

hgus, k

tennis71

You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. Separating is not always a bad idea. Sometimes it helps both people focus on themselves without worrying about what the other will do, say or is thinking.

If he is an alcoholic like I am, chances are he is stuck in the insanity and irrational behavior that accompanies alcoholism. That means he is not thinking and will not until his head clears up a bit.

What you have done is given him the opportunity to assess his behavior and to seek recovery if he wants it. The problem is he may not want it.

You have also given yourself a chance to recover from his behavior and alcoholism. I encourage you to take advantage of that. Sober recovery is a great resource. Al Anon is good as well because that provides face to face support which is very helpful.

Thank you for sharing and welcome to sober recovery. You will find that this community is safe and you can get feedback from both sides of the problem.

Keep posting and thanks again for sharing.

:praying

candiix

Thanks everyone. Sounds like it's a bit of tough love for me as well! I think actually the thing is he doesn't want to stop and he will always be this way. I know I've had a lucky escape.

If only he knew how great he was when sober.

That's the think that kills me.

x