leelee

From the newcomer board as suggested.

leelee
New Member

Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 1
Feeling alone
Where to start, I have never done any discussion of this to anyone(except my alcoholic husband of 23 years,we just end up fighting) I love him, but every day he is drunk and then I want him gone. I dont like him around me anymore but he is the father of my two wonderful children. He hides it from everyone but us. He holds down his job, he jogs everyday, then he drinks all evening until he passes out, he starts earlier on weekends and sleeps it off all day. He no longer involves himself in our lives. He can not be depended on to help the kids with anything, my son made a comment to me that Dad doesnt do anything but drink. When he hasnt had a drink he is a bear. We dont talk to him, then when he does drink he doesnt remember anything we have said to him. Promises go unfulfilled. His father and all his brothers (two have recovered) drank. How can I go to meetings, he will want to know where I have been. I am worried my son will be the same as his father and his grandfather. I tried once to get him to admit and get help, he just got really angry and started to critize my life, I am really scared for the future. I have been with him since I was 18. I dont want to hurt my children or him. But I am depressed, I do not know what to do. He use to be the greatest, he always had some drinks but the past 6 years he has steadly drank more and more. He has only once many years ago tried any physical abuse. He is not mean when he is drunk he is just annoying till he passes out. I have said too much. Just need some support , feeling really alone with this.

nakonc

(((leelee)))

I completely understand how lonely it is to live with an alcoholic. My mom and my bf are alcoholics so I've had a lot of experience in this area. It is so sad to see them fade away.

After I started to learn about alcoholism and got help for myself I found out that there is bad news and good news regarding alcoholism.

The bad news is I cannot help them or make them stop - I've tried all my life and failed. But the good news is there is hope for me - if only I am willing to seek help, to get in touch with people who know about this illness - I can get better. And maybe, maybe they will follow my example - but I have absolutely no control over this.

I really try hard to keep my life apart from theirs. they must do what is their responsibility, and I must do what is mine. It's all about being a grown-up person, able to stand on my own two feet and let them do the same.

It's not very comfortable for me to have to do this - to separate myself from them in my mind and start to think with my own head - but I can see there is no other way. We've been going in vicious circles for too long - hanging onto each other - the blind leading the blind. I have to break away and get some fresh perspective in order to break the circle.

I found this fresh perspective in Al-Anon together with love and support my alcoholic loved ones were unable to provide me with. I found many good friends, but even more importantly I started a new life. Now I can see hope for myself and gradually I am starting to see life in more cheerful colors. I feel there is hope for all of us who suffer from this disease if we join forces and since you posted here I believe a new life is waiting for you as well. I wish you all the luck in finding your way.

Hugs

Natasha

constant

Glad that you found us Leelee!

We have all shared similar experiences here.....read around some of the posts on this board and you'll see you are not alone. You have come to a point where your trying to make some tough decisions in your life and that is always uncomfortible.

Working on yourself will help you be able to determine how to go about what it is that YOU want. I suggest reading Melody Beatty's "Co-dependant No More" and trying an al-anon meeting. I know you don't want him to know where you are, but maybe you could be shopping or going to a movie with a friend. There are some power post at the top of this board that are GREAT to get you started too. Start slow Leelee, but focus on you!

Keep coming back and bless you!
Constant

Hangin' In

Hey Leelee,

Welcome to the board.

I'm tight on time right now, but had to respond quickly to your post regarding telling your husband where you've been if you do go to Al Anon meeting. Leelee, Al Anon is for you, not for him or about fixing him. I don't say that in a preaching way for I'm sure you already know it. But if (or WHEN....I'm being optimistic here... )you DO go, just tell him where you've been and tell him it is stictly for YOU, to help YOU with yourself. And that's the truth!

You sound like you've thought a lot and are a smart woman. Leelee, do the next right thing and do what is best for you and the children. And babysteps toward whatever that is are just fine.... And btw, I am one of Al Anon's biggest cheerleaders! It's saved my life and sanity. I highly recommend checking out a meeting. There is nothing like finding friends who understand EXACTLY how you are feeling...smiles.

Keep coming back. We love new friends on this board.

Hugs,

Hangin' In

EyesOpen

leelee:



If you go to meetings -- then why not tell him? You don't need to make a big deal out of it, just state the truth simply and plainly. And, if he tries to make a big issue out of it, don't get into it. Just walk away. The intimidation and manipulation stops when we stop responding with emotion.

You don't mention how old your children are -- but leaving them alone with him when he's passed out isn't a good plan -- look into people-oriented, fun activities for them that are on the same nights that you'll be out too.

And don't just limit yourself to al-anon. Any activity where you can feel free to openly express yourself will make you feel better.

The more you and your children leave him alone to his misery and move on, the better off everyone will be. Perhaps, one day your husband will wake up to the fact that he's home alone and will want to join in life again.

By the way, you are definitely NOT alone. The more women I speak to about this, the more I find in the same situation. I confided in my hairdresser what was going on, and turns out she's been living with this stuff for over 20 years. I mention it to a relative during the last reunion, and she says "oh yeah, my husband's an alcoholic too."

And, also, there are probably lots of people who know what is going on, but just don't want to say anything out of politeness. It's not as big a secret that the alcoholic thinks he's keeping.