His Family are blaming me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
His Family are blaming me.
I'm really shocked.
I found out last night that my ExA boyfriends mum has been going around telling everyone that will listen that her son had everything before he met "this girl". He had no debts, he had a nice car. "This girl" has taken him to the cleaners.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Ex and I lived together, he started spending all his time at the pub. He spent all his money there. I could never afford food, petrol, let alone shoes when mine were falling apart. I still have the steady job I had when I met him, I even worked 2 jobs when he was in and out of work. I would work 70+ hours a week with bags under my eyes to return home and find him still in the pub, spending what little we had on getting drunk.
I just feel so hurt that she is saying this to people. I know the truth which is all that should matter but this really bothers me.
Perhaps she is trying to "save face" to make her son look like the wronged party?
I can't confront her - this will get the person who told me in trouble. I'm just so shocked. They know I went through hell with him, they took my calls when I was sobbing.
I feel betrayed.
I'm sure they must blame me for him turning out this way.
I found out last night that my ExA boyfriends mum has been going around telling everyone that will listen that her son had everything before he met "this girl". He had no debts, he had a nice car. "This girl" has taken him to the cleaners.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Ex and I lived together, he started spending all his time at the pub. He spent all his money there. I could never afford food, petrol, let alone shoes when mine were falling apart. I still have the steady job I had when I met him, I even worked 2 jobs when he was in and out of work. I would work 70+ hours a week with bags under my eyes to return home and find him still in the pub, spending what little we had on getting drunk.
I just feel so hurt that she is saying this to people. I know the truth which is all that should matter but this really bothers me.
Perhaps she is trying to "save face" to make her son look like the wronged party?
I can't confront her - this will get the person who told me in trouble. I'm just so shocked. They know I went through hell with him, they took my calls when I was sobbing.
I feel betrayed.
I'm sure they must blame me for him turning out this way.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
My brothers ex could have written that SugarLily, word for word.
My parents also blame his ex, even though he was what he is long before he met her.
I think they just need to pin the blame on someone, it's wrong, it's not fair and it shouldn't be done.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think it's on here I've read somewhere, what other people think of me is none of my business (perhaps not the exact words)
Hold your head up, you know the truth and probably so does his mother.
My parents also blame his ex, even though he was what he is long before he met her.
I think they just need to pin the blame on someone, it's wrong, it's not fair and it shouldn't be done.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think it's on here I've read somewhere, what other people think of me is none of my business (perhaps not the exact words)
Hold your head up, you know the truth and probably so does his mother.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Thanks Lucy. ((())))
That really means a lot. It does.
and I know its all lies and yes, I should hold my head up. Actually anyone who knows us knows what his problems are. He's still out there getting drunk while I'm more calm than ever before.
I just still have to be in touch with her as I still have joint bills to pay with the ex. His phone is cut off (bill not paid - surprise!) so I have to speak to her. She's always nice to me, she even called him an ****hole the other day.
To hear she says these things is like a knife in the back.
The ex is supposed to meet me today to pay some debts, I'm really going to have to bite my lip not to say anything.
That really means a lot. It does.
and I know its all lies and yes, I should hold my head up. Actually anyone who knows us knows what his problems are. He's still out there getting drunk while I'm more calm than ever before.
I just still have to be in touch with her as I still have joint bills to pay with the ex. His phone is cut off (bill not paid - surprise!) so I have to speak to her. She's always nice to me, she even called him an ****hole the other day.
To hear she says these things is like a knife in the back.
The ex is supposed to meet me today to pay some debts, I'm really going to have to bite my lip not to say anything.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I think she's playing her role of a codie mother quite perfectly. 
My MIL is exactly the same way. She is so perfect, that she is 100% without fault ever. She has the divine ability to determine who is to blame and for what in every situation, even if she doesn't know the facts or the people. She is the best finger-pointer I have ever met. And not only is she gifted in making these steadfast conclusions, her drive to spread her opinions is fueled by an unrelenting determination.
Isn't this type of behavior all too familiar with codependents? Aren't we versed in it? Codies are all about studying other's behaviors rather than looking at their own. Doesn't the fact that your ex-mil's son is an alcoholic speak volumes? I'm not surprised at all that my AH is an alcoholic. His family works overtime to present a tidy Christian appearance. Beneath that facade is a mess of dysfunctional goo.
Your xabf's mother is doing what she knows how to do best. As unfortunate as it is, it's been my experience that these types often hold on to their behavior just as fiercely as an A clutches the bottle. And the odd part is, the level of misery they bring upon themselves is overwhelming. My MIL's mother died in a nursing home after having spent the last several years of her life completely alone in an old dilapidated house. She had 5 children, all who had very little to no contact with her at all and all who had deep-seated hatred and resentment for her. Her husband was a raging alcoholic, but all their kids loved him. My MIL has stated that her biggest fear is that she'll grow old alone just like her mother. Her behavior is strikingly similar to her mother's and her siblings have told her so. Yet she does nothing to change it.
Patterns are hard to change. Dysfunction is hard to change. Recovery requires humility and acceptance for truth, even if it's a truth that we don't want to see or admit.
Your best bet is to shield yourself from your exABF's dysfunction and his mother's dysfunction. Let it bounce off you as though you were wearing metal-plated armor. Be glad you are out of that twisted thinking and drinking, and don't look back.
And one more thing. When I was younger, my MIL's words used to bother me sooooo much. I believed everyone in her small little town must hate me based on what they had been told by her. My MIL knows everyone in her little town and I made the mistake of assuming she was held in high regards. Boy was I wrong. I never needed to set any record straight.
Turns out that she has her own reputation in that town. And it's not what she thinks it is.
People aren't stupid. They can tell when someone is a pot-stirring gossip. It's not an admirable or like-able trait. So don't worry about wanting to dispute her accusations towards you. I'd bet most of her listeners aren't really listening to her.
My MIL is exactly the same way. She is so perfect, that she is 100% without fault ever. She has the divine ability to determine who is to blame and for what in every situation, even if she doesn't know the facts or the people. She is the best finger-pointer I have ever met. And not only is she gifted in making these steadfast conclusions, her drive to spread her opinions is fueled by an unrelenting determination.
Isn't this type of behavior all too familiar with codependents? Aren't we versed in it? Codies are all about studying other's behaviors rather than looking at their own. Doesn't the fact that your ex-mil's son is an alcoholic speak volumes? I'm not surprised at all that my AH is an alcoholic. His family works overtime to present a tidy Christian appearance. Beneath that facade is a mess of dysfunctional goo.
Your xabf's mother is doing what she knows how to do best. As unfortunate as it is, it's been my experience that these types often hold on to their behavior just as fiercely as an A clutches the bottle. And the odd part is, the level of misery they bring upon themselves is overwhelming. My MIL's mother died in a nursing home after having spent the last several years of her life completely alone in an old dilapidated house. She had 5 children, all who had very little to no contact with her at all and all who had deep-seated hatred and resentment for her. Her husband was a raging alcoholic, but all their kids loved him. My MIL has stated that her biggest fear is that she'll grow old alone just like her mother. Her behavior is strikingly similar to her mother's and her siblings have told her so. Yet she does nothing to change it.
Patterns are hard to change. Dysfunction is hard to change. Recovery requires humility and acceptance for truth, even if it's a truth that we don't want to see or admit.
Your best bet is to shield yourself from your exABF's dysfunction and his mother's dysfunction. Let it bounce off you as though you were wearing metal-plated armor. Be glad you are out of that twisted thinking and drinking, and don't look back.
And one more thing. When I was younger, my MIL's words used to bother me sooooo much. I believed everyone in her small little town must hate me based on what they had been told by her. My MIL knows everyone in her little town and I made the mistake of assuming she was held in high regards. Boy was I wrong. I never needed to set any record straight.
Turns out that she has her own reputation in that town. And it's not what she thinks it is. People aren't stupid. They can tell when someone is a pot-stirring gossip. It's not an admirable or like-able trait. So don't worry about wanting to dispute her accusations towards you. I'd bet most of her listeners aren't really listening to her.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Sounds like my abf's mom, I am the blame for every problem. I think it's their way of being in denial. It sound like you have the right attitude about it, just hang in there and try to not let it get to you too much.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
They have to blame someone else to make them feel better about some of the choices that there son is making.
My h family does the same thing with me they blame me for everything.
Take care or yourself and know they are just quacking.
My h family does the same thing with me they blame me for everything.
Take care or yourself and know they are just quacking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
My STBX ex-MIL has accused me of being the reason my STBX drinks. He's not drinking again now that I know of, but she's accused me in the past.
I assure you, he was a drunk when I found him 20 years ago. Too bad I didn't know that.
I assure you, he was a drunk when I found him 20 years ago. Too bad I didn't know that.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
I think it's pretty common for people to look for a cause. For my AH it was blame me, blame the stress of having 2 kids 14 months apart, blame his controlling boss. Now when I hear "could he be drinking so much because.....(fill in the blank)" I answer with "no, he's drinking so much because he's an alcoholic". That usually ends the conversation, and so what if I lose the popularity contest. Besides, like you said, the people that really matter, those that love you for you, know the truth anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
My xAH and his family all think I am the evil witch of the west. Everything is my fault. xAh is a hapless victim of me and the world. It has nothing to do with alcoholism (he isn't one ya know), it has nothing to do with his being fired and choosing to sit on his behind for the past 3+ years, it has nothing to do with anything he has done or not done.
{shrug} Their denial of reality is their problem not mine.
{shrug} Their denial of reality is their problem not mine.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
It's called DENIAL. God forbid she could accept her son is an alcoholic. Don't you know she raised the perfect boy? rofl
Sweetie, I know it hurts, but remember your true friends know the truth, you know the truth, and HP knows the truth.
We are here for you.
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Keep posting, we'll walk with you.
Love and hugs,
Sweetie, I know it hurts, but remember your true friends know the truth, you know the truth, and HP knows the truth.
We are here for you.
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Keep posting, we'll walk with you.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
My Ah's family and some friends do the same thing. My MIL says that I made him stressed and he cannot live with me for whatever reason. That the reason he felt need for contact with another woman was something was missing here at home.
That really hurt my feelings alot. But my counselor told me that she has to say that stuff because look at how her son turned out....no morals, no character, no integrity, manipulative, addicted and hurtful. Its a direct reflection on how she raised him in her mind. Not to help that out of the 9 children she had 6 are addicts. Not a great mommy figure.
That really hurt my feelings alot. But my counselor told me that she has to say that stuff because look at how her son turned out....no morals, no character, no integrity, manipulative, addicted and hurtful. Its a direct reflection on how she raised him in her mind. Not to help that out of the 9 children she had 6 are addicts. Not a great mommy figure.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Sugar...you know what? This reminds me of myself...When I was still completely entrenched in my codie ways (still there, but on recovery road now)...I use to blame my husband's family and his ex wife for all that ailed him. Although in the case of his parents, there was a lot of dysfunction there, I would rationalize that he had no independent agency to control his actions because they were monsters. His ex wife? I hardly knew the woman...still he was "fine until she ruined him." I would tell everyone who would listen about what a royal b!tch she was...I am honestly embarrassed now about all things I said to whoever would listen...I really believed these things. Some of the things I said, I wouldn't even repeat out of pure shame.
It is the codie way...Thank God for recovery.
I know that this is painful to hear, but like the others said, people see through the talk. Once I was on the road to recovery and my AH moved out, some came forward and admitted this to me. They saw it was just a bunch of hot air.
I realize that you don't want your reputation as the kind person you are to be sullied...it hasn't been...believe me...his actions speak louder than her words. Try to let it go...
It is the codie way...Thank God for recovery.
I know that this is painful to hear, but like the others said, people see through the talk. Once I was on the road to recovery and my AH moved out, some came forward and admitted this to me. They saw it was just a bunch of hot air.
I realize that you don't want your reputation as the kind person you are to be sullied...it hasn't been...believe me...his actions speak louder than her words. Try to let it go...
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
I'm interested to know where you got this nugget from, was it your A or someone your A had told? If it is could just be manipulation! They are masters of planting lies to cover for their own failings.
Does she know he lost his job? Or does he play the "lets keep it secret, I don't want to worry her" game. Mine would always do the later and for a while I fell for it and allowed him to get away with it but all I was doing was enabling him.
If she knows he lost his job, that you have been supporting him and it has come from her you shouldn't give a rats arse as why should he be managing well financialy with no job as she isn't living in the real world
Does she know he lost his job? Or does he play the "lets keep it secret, I don't want to worry her" game. Mine would always do the later and for a while I fell for it and allowed him to get away with it but all I was doing was enabling him.
If she knows he lost his job, that you have been supporting him and it has come from her you shouldn't give a rats arse as why should he be managing well financialy with no job as she isn't living in the real world
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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Yes, it is shocking but more than that it hurts.
We think we are prepared for the truth but we never expect this.
I guess we have to realize that we aren't the only enabler in the situation.
We see and live through the parts that many relatives dont see.
Validate your pain. It hurts and it's wrong, it is just the next level of "wrong".
People can say whatever they like. Others are not so close to it that they can't see the truth.
The distance will also allow you to see that who he is has been quite apparent to everyone.
We think we are prepared for the truth but we never expect this.
I guess we have to realize that we aren't the only enabler in the situation.
We see and live through the parts that many relatives dont see.
Validate your pain. It hurts and it's wrong, it is just the next level of "wrong".
People can say whatever they like. Others are not so close to it that they can't see the truth.
The distance will also allow you to see that who he is has been quite apparent to everyone.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by SugarLily 
I'm really shocked.
I found out last night that my ExA boyfriends mum has been going around telling everyone that will listen that her son had everything before he met "this girl". He had no debts, he had a nice car. "This girl" has taken him to the cleaners.
I found out last night that my ExA boyfriends mum has been going around telling everyone that will listen that her son had everything before he met "this girl". He had no debts, he had a nice car. "This girl" has taken him to the cleaners.
Again it's like reading my own story over and over again!!!
I was also blamed for my EXAH failure, and problems. And I was the one who ruined his economy... What ever!!!
But the "funny" thing is that they where on my side until I finally left, then it became their problem so instead of dealing with it, they took the easy way out and blamed me. I can only guess that's what happened to you too!
I learned pretty quickly there is no use to even take the time to confront or to prove your innocence. They "know" what happened and they are not going to believe you...
Just take it with a grain of salt and go on!
I know it's hard but you will feel better, you know what happened and you know what you did and what he did and that's all that matters.
I'm finally at peace with myself and I'm actually enjoying life again!
So take care and worry only about yourself and your happiness!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
Just a thought but also wondering if some A's parents blame themselves for the alcoholism. Parents of A's comments would be interesting, though most here seem to be at a point where they know this isn't the case. Although she isn't to blame maybe this is her coping stratergy, still not nice and you shouldn't have to deal with it.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I can tell you from experience that a parent of an alcoholic or drug addict can be the last one to ever believe their child has a problem.
It's not you. He's manipulating his mom. That's what they do.
It's not you. He's manipulating his mom. That's what they do.
'caution' broken heart ahead
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
I know all his family blame me. They don't blame me for his addictions to crack and alcohol because they knew he has done this for years before he met me but they never told me or warned me about it when we were dating yet they knew all along, that makes me mad. What they do blame me for is kicking him out.... dumping him. I think they are mad because now they have him back into thier hands. Now what do they do? they had relief when he was with me because I took care of him and everything that had to do with him, I loved him so much.
I spoke to his family over the phone ( they live out of state) and all of them were nasty to me. His oldest sister actually yelled and screamed in my ear at me :wtf2 ( She is another one who needs help.... wacko) . I was the innocent one here ....not him. You'd think they'd realize that everything would go great with us until he drank\drugged then everything would go sour that it wasnt my fault... DUH!
This last time when he went sober (for a short few weeks) he swore he'd stay clean and I made him agree that if we were to live together again that he MUST stay clean or I would have to make him leave and he agreed. He even said himself "if I relapse I will volunteer to leave myself." So naturally I believed him ( naive) So when he relapsed and GOT CAUGHT .... I was mad as hell !!! and kicked him out!
I also know how he lies and manipulates his family. They are pretty good at enabling him as he is the only son and I'm pretty sure when I kicked him out that he told his family something different ....lies. I decided I am not going to call his family to try and defend myself, whats to use? I dont even want to be with him anymore, we're done, so why even bother. The truth will come out very soon as he will prove to them he has relapsed and then they will begin to put 2 and 2 together.
I am not the witch, bitch, or whatever. I am a truly loving , giving, honest, clean, responsible, hardworking woman. I am NOT the addict here!
I spoke to his family over the phone ( they live out of state) and all of them were nasty to me. His oldest sister actually yelled and screamed in my ear at me :wtf2 ( She is another one who needs help.... wacko) . I was the innocent one here ....not him. You'd think they'd realize that everything would go great with us until he drank\drugged then everything would go sour that it wasnt my fault... DUH!
This last time when he went sober (for a short few weeks) he swore he'd stay clean and I made him agree that if we were to live together again that he MUST stay clean or I would have to make him leave and he agreed. He even said himself "if I relapse I will volunteer to leave myself." So naturally I believed him ( naive) So when he relapsed and GOT CAUGHT .... I was mad as hell !!! and kicked him out!
I also know how he lies and manipulates his family. They are pretty good at enabling him as he is the only son and I'm pretty sure when I kicked him out that he told his family something different ....lies. I decided I am not going to call his family to try and defend myself, whats to use? I dont even want to be with him anymore, we're done, so why even bother. The truth will come out very soon as he will prove to them he has relapsed and then they will begin to put 2 and 2 together.
I am not the witch, bitch, or whatever. I am a truly loving , giving, honest, clean, responsible, hardworking woman. I am NOT the addict here!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Ah thanks all of you for your kind input and its so good to hear I'm not the only one this has happened to. It's just maddening. I always thought they felt sorry for me, they were always picking up his pieces and papering over the cracks. When he drank our food money - they would bring round groceries.
I remember they were furious when I got him arrested. Ex was threatening and abusive, I wouldn't let him in my dads house. He threatened that if I don't open the door in 10 seconds he's going to put his fist through. I warned him, if you dare - I will call the police. I warned him time and time again and bamn - fist through the glass. I warned him I would call the police and I did. No empty threats.
She actually had the nerve to say to me "why did you call the police, why didn't you let him in?" I said "I did the previous night and he had me pushed up against the fridge"
She replied "oh".
She still said it would be my fault if he lost his job over it. This is the same woman who years earlier called me screaming to collect him before she called the police herself.
I have a new partner. ( Its still early day but I have never been happier. It's so nice to be around someone and not worry about what mood he is in. Being with him has done my self esteem a world of good.)
His Aunt works in a chemist and my ex's mum just came in randomly ranting and raving about how I've ruined her sons life. This outburst was before I got involved with my partner.
He wasn't going to tell me as he didn't want to upset me. But one day I was talking about ex's mum and how she had been so understanding about the money my ex owes me. He said "there's something you should know..." He wanted me to be aware of what ex's mum is like behind my back and to not be too trusting.
I am owed a lot of money from my ex, I'm considering taking it to court. This is the last tie I have with him and I want it gone.
Looking back I still have resentment over the way things ended. I did love him so very much, I would have done anything for him. I'm not a shouter, I'm laid back. I often get called out for being too nice. Perhaps thats why he took his liberties with the drinking and not coming home. He always knew I would just accept it. The times I did lose my temper he'd just go back out again. The mind games were extraordinary.
I've decided I'm worth a lot more than that, I'm not going to let someone take advantage of my kindness that way again. I don't wish him ill, I'll be happy for him to do well. I'm not going to be there anymore to pick up the pieces, I'll leave that to his parents. If it makes them feel better to call me a witch - good for them.
I remember they were furious when I got him arrested. Ex was threatening and abusive, I wouldn't let him in my dads house. He threatened that if I don't open the door in 10 seconds he's going to put his fist through. I warned him, if you dare - I will call the police. I warned him time and time again and bamn - fist through the glass. I warned him I would call the police and I did. No empty threats.
She actually had the nerve to say to me "why did you call the police, why didn't you let him in?" I said "I did the previous night and he had me pushed up against the fridge"
She replied "oh".
She still said it would be my fault if he lost his job over it. This is the same woman who years earlier called me screaming to collect him before she called the police herself.
Originally Posted by Rainbowsend
I'm interested to know where you got this nugget from, was it your A or someone your A had told? If it is could just be manipulation! They are masters of planting lies to cover for their own failings.
His Aunt works in a chemist and my ex's mum just came in randomly ranting and raving about how I've ruined her sons life. This outburst was before I got involved with my partner.
He wasn't going to tell me as he didn't want to upset me. But one day I was talking about ex's mum and how she had been so understanding about the money my ex owes me. He said "there's something you should know..." He wanted me to be aware of what ex's mum is like behind my back and to not be too trusting.
I am owed a lot of money from my ex, I'm considering taking it to court. This is the last tie I have with him and I want it gone.
Looking back I still have resentment over the way things ended. I did love him so very much, I would have done anything for him. I'm not a shouter, I'm laid back. I often get called out for being too nice. Perhaps thats why he took his liberties with the drinking and not coming home. He always knew I would just accept it. The times I did lose my temper he'd just go back out again. The mind games were extraordinary.
I've decided I'm worth a lot more than that, I'm not going to let someone take advantage of my kindness that way again. I don't wish him ill, I'll be happy for him to do well. I'm not going to be there anymore to pick up the pieces, I'll leave that to his parents. If it makes them feel better to call me a witch - good for them.
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