Denial
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: England
Posts: 674
Denial
I don't post that often here really, not sure why as reading all the posts here has helped me no end. So anyway I thought I would write a little about what I have learn't in the hope that it might help someone out there.
I had a really really hard time believing I was an alcoholic. Denial is a powerfull thing, even now I sometimes think that maybe I was just a heavy drinker and not an alcoholic, but one thing I have learnt is that it's all semantic anyway. What ever you want to call yourself if alcohol is causing problems then it's probablly a good idea to quit. I think the sterotypical definition of an alcoholic kept me drinking way past the time I should have quit. No I didn't drink in the mornings, sometimes I didn't even drink everyday and I think that let me hold on to the fact that "I wasn't that bad." Truth be told the only reason I didn't drink in the morning was because I hadn't figured that one out yet, sure I would wake up heart pounding, shaking like crazy, truely scared that I would die that very day. Years ago I used to see black shapes out the corner or my eyes yet it just never occured to me to take a drink to relieve those symptoms, which I now know to be withdrawal. So I would just lie on the sofa with my "hangover" and wait to feel better. Sometimes it would take a few hours, sometimes a day or even 3, I would start drinking again as soon as I felt able.
As these symptoms got worse and quite rapidly so, I got it into my head that it was just anxiety, I still couldn't connect that it was the alcohol causing it. I thought I had just aquired an anxiety disorder, this was fuled by the notion that my doc had prescribed me some anxiety meds and I found that if I took them after a binge my symptoms would lesson, so much so that I could drink again earlier than I would have previously. Denial working at it's best.
Ok so what had I lost due to alcohol? Not alot I thought, I still had a home and my children etc. Now I realise I lost quite a bit, alot of my life for a start, nearly every memory I have I was either drunk or hungover. My sister and my brother no longer talk to me, I wonder why? I am divorced, again I wonder why? No I didn't get a DUI, only beacuse I never got caught, I used to think I didn't drink and drive, but I would imagine that I was over the limit every morning but again that denial was there, I mean I hadn't drunk since last night, so no I wasn't drinking and driving, but I am pretty sure it takes more than a few hours of sleep to rid the body or alcohol!
I would take the tests, you know the ones, answer more than 3 and you probablly are alcoholic? I allways scored 17/18 out of 20, yet still I was not convinced. I had an AA leaftet with only about 5 "symptoms" I scored 5 out of 5 on that one, but still I was not convinced.
Today I am 73 days sober and I can see all this denial I had so easily, but while I was drinking I was blind to it, I just didn't get it. I wanted to beleive that it wasn't that bad that I didn't have to quit. Well I sopose I didn't have to quit but what kind of life was I living? Outwardly I seemed normal and no-one really knew the extent of the problem, but I knew.
I don't know why it was the 3rd of July that I had my last drink, it wasn't a particularly bad binge, nothing out of the ordinary happened in fact I can't even remember it, it was such an non-event, I just kind of woke up. I finally saw all this denial for what it was and I realised nothing was going to change. I also realised that I did infact have a choice though. So I chose not to drink that day and everyday since.
I know I am still early in recovery and have a ways to go, but I just thought for anybody out there who is still living in denial and not realsing it, maybe reading that others have been there might help them see it for what it is. Quite often I would read here and convince myself that I wasn't that bad, even though I could relate to far more stories than not. My favorite being the old rotating which stores you bought alcohol from so the shopkeepers wouldn't know, I really thought I was unique with that one
Even now I sometimes get the notion that I am not an alcoholic, but deep down inside I know the truth, I finally understand denial.
Sax
I had a really really hard time believing I was an alcoholic. Denial is a powerfull thing, even now I sometimes think that maybe I was just a heavy drinker and not an alcoholic, but one thing I have learnt is that it's all semantic anyway. What ever you want to call yourself if alcohol is causing problems then it's probablly a good idea to quit. I think the sterotypical definition of an alcoholic kept me drinking way past the time I should have quit. No I didn't drink in the mornings, sometimes I didn't even drink everyday and I think that let me hold on to the fact that "I wasn't that bad." Truth be told the only reason I didn't drink in the morning was because I hadn't figured that one out yet, sure I would wake up heart pounding, shaking like crazy, truely scared that I would die that very day. Years ago I used to see black shapes out the corner or my eyes yet it just never occured to me to take a drink to relieve those symptoms, which I now know to be withdrawal. So I would just lie on the sofa with my "hangover" and wait to feel better. Sometimes it would take a few hours, sometimes a day or even 3, I would start drinking again as soon as I felt able.
As these symptoms got worse and quite rapidly so, I got it into my head that it was just anxiety, I still couldn't connect that it was the alcohol causing it. I thought I had just aquired an anxiety disorder, this was fuled by the notion that my doc had prescribed me some anxiety meds and I found that if I took them after a binge my symptoms would lesson, so much so that I could drink again earlier than I would have previously. Denial working at it's best.
Ok so what had I lost due to alcohol? Not alot I thought, I still had a home and my children etc. Now I realise I lost quite a bit, alot of my life for a start, nearly every memory I have I was either drunk or hungover. My sister and my brother no longer talk to me, I wonder why? I am divorced, again I wonder why? No I didn't get a DUI, only beacuse I never got caught, I used to think I didn't drink and drive, but I would imagine that I was over the limit every morning but again that denial was there, I mean I hadn't drunk since last night, so no I wasn't drinking and driving, but I am pretty sure it takes more than a few hours of sleep to rid the body or alcohol!
I would take the tests, you know the ones, answer more than 3 and you probablly are alcoholic? I allways scored 17/18 out of 20, yet still I was not convinced. I had an AA leaftet with only about 5 "symptoms" I scored 5 out of 5 on that one, but still I was not convinced.
Today I am 73 days sober and I can see all this denial I had so easily, but while I was drinking I was blind to it, I just didn't get it. I wanted to beleive that it wasn't that bad that I didn't have to quit. Well I sopose I didn't have to quit but what kind of life was I living? Outwardly I seemed normal and no-one really knew the extent of the problem, but I knew.
I don't know why it was the 3rd of July that I had my last drink, it wasn't a particularly bad binge, nothing out of the ordinary happened in fact I can't even remember it, it was such an non-event, I just kind of woke up. I finally saw all this denial for what it was and I realised nothing was going to change. I also realised that I did infact have a choice though. So I chose not to drink that day and everyday since.
I know I am still early in recovery and have a ways to go, but I just thought for anybody out there who is still living in denial and not realsing it, maybe reading that others have been there might help them see it for what it is. Quite often I would read here and convince myself that I wasn't that bad, even though I could relate to far more stories than not. My favorite being the old rotating which stores you bought alcohol from so the shopkeepers wouldn't know, I really thought I was unique with that one
Even now I sometimes get the notion that I am not an alcoholic, but deep down inside I know the truth, I finally understand denial.
Sax
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Thanks for sharing part of your truth with us Sax
Congratulations on your sober progress!
Gosh ...I never rotated liquor stores
My neighborhood store delivered ....
and took checks
Congratulations on your sober progress!
Gosh ...I never rotated liquor stores
My neighborhood store delivered ....
and took checks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: coastal SC
Posts: 68
Sax....Wow is this ever me!! I, too, took all the tests online. Scored the same. Still wasn't convinced. I am in the process of accepting my disease and realizing nothing good comes out of my drinking. Your honesty is really appreciated.
I am reading a wonderful book, ABBA'S CHILD by Brennan Manning. Here is a quote from the book: "And so, like runaway slaves, we either flee our own reality or manufacture a false self which is mostly admirable, mildly prepossissing and superficially happy. We hide what we know or feel ourselves to be (which we assume will be unloveable and unacceptable) behind some kind of appearance which we hope will be more pleasing. We hide behind pretty faces which we put on for the benefit of our public. And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty face is what we really look like."
This has been ME for the last few years. I am ready to stop hiding and face who I really am and take steps to change. Thanks for your honesty.
Suz
I am reading a wonderful book, ABBA'S CHILD by Brennan Manning. Here is a quote from the book: "And so, like runaway slaves, we either flee our own reality or manufacture a false self which is mostly admirable, mildly prepossissing and superficially happy. We hide what we know or feel ourselves to be (which we assume will be unloveable and unacceptable) behind some kind of appearance which we hope will be more pleasing. We hide behind pretty faces which we put on for the benefit of our public. And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty face is what we really look like."
This has been ME for the last few years. I am ready to stop hiding and face who I really am and take steps to change. Thanks for your honesty.
Suz
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Excellent post Sax!
It was denial that started me drinking again at 6 months sober, it is unbelievable how powerful it can be.
Yes, me too.
It was denial that started me drinking again at 6 months sober, it is unbelievable how powerful it can be.
What ever you want to call yourself if alcohol is causing problems then it's probablly a good idea to quit. I think the sterotypical definition of an alcoholic kept me drinking way past the time I should have quit.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Thank you very much for this powerful peek into the world of Denial. You'll never know how many people you help with your honesty, but they will be grateful for your truth.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
My goodness...totally me!!! I'm "not as bad" as other people, so I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic!! Whatever the heck I am, I am much, much, much happier/healthier/saner sober. Regardless of my title.
I can't tell you how many of those tests I took online..hoping for different results! lol
I can't tell you how many of those tests I took online..hoping for different results! lol
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Sax,
Thank you for sharing your personal story today!
I am glad your choice 73 days ago was to stop drinking.
Alcohol should come with a warning label:
Warning! Causes severe denial in consumers.
Of course, in the past, I would assume that warning did not apply to me
Congrats on making the choice to be sober again today!
Thank you for sharing your personal story today!
I am glad your choice 73 days ago was to stop drinking.
Alcohol should come with a warning label:
Warning! Causes severe denial in consumers.
Of course, in the past, I would assume that warning did not apply to me
Congrats on making the choice to be sober again today!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Sax,
Thanks for sharing this well written very introspective story with us. Your story. I could relate to so much of it. I was very similar with my denial. It's amzing how you just can't see yourself. Can't step outside yourself and see, isn't it? Thank you...........
Thanks for sharing this well written very introspective story with us. Your story. I could relate to so much of it. I was very similar with my denial. It's amzing how you just can't see yourself. Can't step outside yourself and see, isn't it? Thank you...........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, N.Y.
Posts: 4,639
Wow, great post Sax. It took me a long time with my denial too. I figured I wasn't hurting anyone drinking alone at home every day of the week. Thank God i did figure out that i was hurting people. Especially myself mentally and emotionally.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
