Going to his memorial service on Monday
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Going to his memorial service on Monday
For those that have not read my last post, my ex-boyfriend died of a drug overdose two days ago.
I have made the decision to go to his memorial service to support his mother and out of respect to him. This pretty much entails taking two days off of work and flying to a city and driving an hour to a smaller town.
And the thing is, I am just so scared. I'm scared to see his body, I'm scared to see his family (who I haven't seen since we stopped dating), I'm scared to be in the city where he wanted me to move to with him, I'm scared to see the places we went. I'm scared to bring it all back.
I feel like this is the last thing I can do for him, and I want to do this for him and I will just swallow hard and take a step forward and go, but I just don't know how my heart can take this.
I realized, thinking about things, that he is one of the great loves of my life and even though everything was over between us, there was a connection when we talked that will never be replaced. It felt like coming home, talking to him.
I'm still hurt, and I'm still angry, but I also know that everyone tried everything they could to help him, he tried so many times to stop and in the end he just couldn't beat the disease.
The last time I talked with him, we talked about death. My best friend died a year ago and his died a few months ago (drug related also). I told him sometimes it just hurts to much to see reminders of her and he told me that it was not like that at all for him. His friend had a shirt that he always wore when he went fishing and Mike literally wore that shirt whenever he went fishing after his friend died. He wore his memories with joy. I would like to get there. I just need to get through Monday.
How have others dealt with the memorial service and/or grief of someone dying from this disease?
I have made the decision to go to his memorial service to support his mother and out of respect to him. This pretty much entails taking two days off of work and flying to a city and driving an hour to a smaller town.
And the thing is, I am just so scared. I'm scared to see his body, I'm scared to see his family (who I haven't seen since we stopped dating), I'm scared to be in the city where he wanted me to move to with him, I'm scared to see the places we went. I'm scared to bring it all back.
I feel like this is the last thing I can do for him, and I want to do this for him and I will just swallow hard and take a step forward and go, but I just don't know how my heart can take this.
I realized, thinking about things, that he is one of the great loves of my life and even though everything was over between us, there was a connection when we talked that will never be replaced. It felt like coming home, talking to him.
I'm still hurt, and I'm still angry, but I also know that everyone tried everything they could to help him, he tried so many times to stop and in the end he just couldn't beat the disease.
The last time I talked with him, we talked about death. My best friend died a year ago and his died a few months ago (drug related also). I told him sometimes it just hurts to much to see reminders of her and he told me that it was not like that at all for him. His friend had a shirt that he always wore when he went fishing and Mike literally wore that shirt whenever he went fishing after his friend died. He wore his memories with joy. I would like to get there. I just need to get through Monday.
How have others dealt with the memorial service and/or grief of someone dying from this disease?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
:::sigh:::
About 2 months into my current relationship with my abf... I had a dream that he had died... and I went to his funeral and met his family and close friends - for the first time. I even spoke..... I talked about how even though we had only known each other for a couple of months - it felt like we had known one another for years. Even though it was just a dream- it felt like it was very real and it was incredibly painful.
I'm sorry it not being a dream for you.
If I were you - I'd be going too. I would not have too much anticipation or assumption of what or how it is going to be. This is a go with the flow situation. This is where so much feeling is going to happen. We all handle grief in our own way and there is no wrong or right way. Bless your heart.. When you talked about it being like coming home when you talked to him... I understood - I could relate. That is a one of a kind feeling isn't it? I'm so glad you have that as a fond memory.
Are you going to speak? Do you have an idea of who will be there?
About 2 months into my current relationship with my abf... I had a dream that he had died... and I went to his funeral and met his family and close friends - for the first time. I even spoke..... I talked about how even though we had only known each other for a couple of months - it felt like we had known one another for years. Even though it was just a dream- it felt like it was very real and it was incredibly painful.
I'm sorry it not being a dream for you.
If I were you - I'd be going too. I would not have too much anticipation or assumption of what or how it is going to be. This is a go with the flow situation. This is where so much feeling is going to happen. We all handle grief in our own way and there is no wrong or right way. Bless your heart.. When you talked about it being like coming home when you talked to him... I understood - I could relate. That is a one of a kind feeling isn't it? I'm so glad you have that as a fond memory.
Are you going to speak? Do you have an idea of who will be there?
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
bluerskies, I'm so very sorry about the death of your ex-boyfriend and the way he died. I'm sorry too, that you are going through so much pain and heartache.
(((((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))
(((((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))
Perfectly Imperfect
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
bluerskies,
I think it would be a good thing for you to go to the memorial service. Facing these feelings inside of you is going to help you cope with your loss. As Abundance said above, I too can relate with that type of bond that you share. My abf and I share something so incredible that it is literally indescribable. He has been talking a lot about death lately and I know his rock bottom will be coming soon. I just pray everyday that his rock bottom is the kind you can climb out from.
My prayers and thoughts are going to be with you as you take that trip back to the place that holds such memories. I am sorry for the pain you are in, it has to be one of the hardest types, hands down. Just know we are all here praying for you and sending you love.
Keep coming here, we want to hear from you
Big hugs and prayers
:praying
I think it would be a good thing for you to go to the memorial service. Facing these feelings inside of you is going to help you cope with your loss. As Abundance said above, I too can relate with that type of bond that you share. My abf and I share something so incredible that it is literally indescribable. He has been talking a lot about death lately and I know his rock bottom will be coming soon. I just pray everyday that his rock bottom is the kind you can climb out from.
My prayers and thoughts are going to be with you as you take that trip back to the place that holds such memories. I am sorry for the pain you are in, it has to be one of the hardest types, hands down. Just know we are all here praying for you and sending you love.
Keep coming here, we want to hear from you
Big hugs and prayers
:praying
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Grief is a healthy process, a way of letting go of the pain so that the sadness can be replaced by the good memories of better days.
It's good you are going, it's okay to cry. A service like this is a tribute to those who we loved, and sadness at losing them is a normal feeling.
Take your tissues, and just let the day unfold as it will. My prayers are with you and all who loved him today and the days to come.
Hugs
It's good you are going, it's okay to cry. A service like this is a tribute to those who we loved, and sadness at losing them is a normal feeling.
Take your tissues, and just let the day unfold as it will. My prayers are with you and all who loved him today and the days to come.
Hugs
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
bluerskies, my heart is going out to you at this time. Unfortunately, I have been to several such funerals over the years, the hardest one being my only sister, Linda, in 1991 and mostly recently my cousin just a few weeks ago.
I don't remember too much of Linda's funeral service, I hate to admit that I was high. . . I had to be in order to not simply crumble. I thought that I had to be strong for our mom, to not cry. I had a huge amt. of guilt when she died, I thought I caused her death since I was the one who introduced her to drugs and alcohol which ultimately took her life. I hadn't come close to hitting my bottom yet, I hadn't suffered enough. I wanted her back here with me . . . no matter how much emotional and spiritual pain she was in here on this earth.
When my cousin died a few weeks ago, I hadn't seen or spoken to him in many, many years. His Mom and I had built a close relationship for the first time ever since I've been in Recovery. She had just realized the extent of his "drinking problem" a few weeks before he died. But once I got to the funeral and saw his body in the casket, I could see that this disease had taken it's toll on him over many years. There was a huge tribute to his life in the entry-way to the Church. In the pictures, even though he was smiling over the years with his wife and daughters, the pain on his face was obvious to me. I could see through the forced smiles, the feeling of trying to act like everything is ok, when it wasn't. I heard others around me whispering, "He had so much to live for, look at his wife and daughters, didn't he realize what he was doing to them? Why didn't he just stop? He had everything anyone could ever want, a beautiful family, a nice home on a huge farm, new cars. . . " But I knew what he had wanted and was unable to find. . . Peace within.
Even though my cousin and I were never close and hadn't seen each other in around 25 years or so, his death effected me profoundly. As I stood in the long line to file past the casket to pay my respects, I had to fight an overwhelming urge to just burst out crying like I have never cried before. It hit me like a ton of bricks, "There but for the Grace of God go I." My own Sobriety became even more precious to me at that very moment. I remember how lost I was when I was at my bottom, thinking I could never, ever climb out of those feelings of dispair. Feelings of intense gratitude overwhelmed me . . . but not just for myself. . . . for Tony as well. He is no longer suffering. I always hated that expression. When my Dad died 2 years ago, he had been in so much physical pain from Cancer, he had lived a full and happy life that when he passed away, I could honestly say that he was no longer suffering. But when someone young dies, it's hard to think that. But when I finally was in front of the casket, I couldn't help but think that he was, finally, at peace.
His Mother summed it up pretty well when she pulled me aside, holding on to me knowing my own struggle throughout the years from this disease. As she watched the literally hundreds of people who came to pay their respects, she said that seeing so many people come to the viewing reminded her of just how many people her son had touched over the years. It brought back reminders of happier days . . . days that she said she needs to remember instead of the pain he was in the last years of his life. She looked at me and told me that no one can take away her pain, but the presence of those who knew and loved her son meant more than any of us could ever know.
Before I left the Church, I spoke to his younger brother in private. I asked him if he could put something in the casket with his brother before it was closed. I will never forget the overwhelming look of gratitude that he gave me when I handed him my 3 year token that I had just got a month earlier. You see, Tony and I both have what we had sought for so long . . . Peace.
My "advice" to you is, let yourself feel all of the feelings you are having. I know it's hard when such strong feelings are brought to the surface. I'm sure this is going to be very emotional for you, especially seeing his family for the first time since you were dating. I can still hear my aunt saying that she needs to remember the happier times in her son's life and it sounds like you played a big part of a happy time in Mike's life. And although we wish that those special to us were still here, please remember that Mike is finally at peace. . . . he is no longer suffering. After all, isn't the greatest feeling of all to be at peace with one's self?
I'll be thinking of you and Mike's family.
God Bless,
Judy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Layton, Utah
Posts: 60
My ex-husband was an alcoholic. He is my AD daughters father. I divorced him when she was 5 months old. But still tried to "fix" him for several years after that. He was underneath all of that a fun, smart person. I loved him.In 1992 I got a call from his sister that he was on his last hours from kidney issues due to the alcohol. His family did not want me around, as his mother blames me for his problems. In fact his mom wanted me to drop my 11 year daughter off at the memorial services. She really didnt know him as he was too busy drinking to spend time with her.
The day he died I was still so sad, still had hope that he would find his way.
I cried all day long. I had remarried in 90 and had a son. My life was good.
I too had things I never got to say to him. For me to see his family at that time was hard as now they blamed me for his death.
So I just put myself in the frame of mind as to how it would feel to be in there shoes.
As time went by I realized that he could not function on this planet and that had he not died before his mother he would have become homeless. It took years to come to terms with the whole thing. Alot of the hurt was from me feeling like I could have done more, or what if.
I now know none of it was in my control. Be kind to yourself. Try to remember the good times. But keep in mind that you walked away because it got crazy and you were not willing to go down with the ship.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I lost my just turned 20 year old daughter to this disease 2 years ago. I was a wreck thinking about having to get through services and speak with people and see how shattered her friends and loved ones were. But I found that it was helpful and healing for me. I decided to live in each moment and not try to project what would happen next or what I would do. I opened my heart and my soul to the kindness and love of those around me, and here at SR and to the grace I saw my higher power bestowing on me to help me through. I even ended up speaking at her service...I know it wasn't me speaking, for I couldn't have done that on my own. I ended up finding many miracles and many ways that I knew my child was at peace.
My heart hurts for you...I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know the thing that helped me most was to try not to project...To just keeping stepping forward and remaining open to what can be. Hugs and prayers.
My heart hurts for you...I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know the thing that helped me most was to try not to project...To just keeping stepping forward and remaining open to what can be. Hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I have not experienced death due to addiction so I do not have any wise words to help. But I will keep you in my prayers that God will hold you in his arms that day and give you a sense of peace. Hugs, Marle
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Blue ... I'm so sorry for your loss
I've lost an ex-husband to meth. We were not together when he passed and I didn't find out that he had died until 4 months after the fact, but none the less it was devastating news. It rocked me to the core, especially for our children.
There was no funeral, no grave site to visit ... his brother has his ashes and we have no clue where his brother is, but I did create an online memorial in his memory ...
You can read our/his story if you'd like to ... just google William Scott Simmons you'll find it. When you arrive at his website there will be tabs just under his name dob/dod ... click on his legacy tab it takes you to his story.
The website helped me work through my grief and I shared Scotty's story with the heart that if it helped even just one person .. then he died not in vain.
********{Hugs}}}}}}
Passion
I've lost an ex-husband to meth. We were not together when he passed and I didn't find out that he had died until 4 months after the fact, but none the less it was devastating news. It rocked me to the core, especially for our children.
There was no funeral, no grave site to visit ... his brother has his ashes and we have no clue where his brother is, but I did create an online memorial in his memory ...
You can read our/his story if you'd like to ... just google William Scott Simmons you'll find it. When you arrive at his website there will be tabs just under his name dob/dod ... click on his legacy tab it takes you to his story.
The website helped me work through my grief and I shared Scotty's story with the heart that if it helped even just one person .. then he died not in vain.
********{Hugs}}}}}}
Passion
watching the clouds roll away
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: bliss
Posts: 87
Thank you all for your replies. They give me strength.
I have been home for awhile, but I just couldn't write, couldn't express the pain I have been feeling.
His family gave me a set of pictures, the only set of pictures they found in his apartment. They were of me and him. The package was worn, as if he had looked through them over and over again. I can barely stand to have possession of them.
I will write more later, but I just wanted to check in.
Please everybody, no matter how much anger you have toward your addict right now, hug them or call them, draw them close to you, let them know that you love them and then close your eyes and memorize that feeling so that you never have to experience what I am experiencing right now. Wondering whether he knew how much I loved him and trying to remember when the last time was that I reached out to the person behind the addiction (I had so much hatred about it all at the end of our relationship).
Mike -- I love you and miss you. I'm sorry your disease caused me to keep my distance. I wish more then anything that I could have found a way to save you while knowing that it was not possible for me to do that. Please forgive me and give me the chance to forgive you.
"Let it not be death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way."
-Rabindranath Tagore
I have been home for awhile, but I just couldn't write, couldn't express the pain I have been feeling.
His family gave me a set of pictures, the only set of pictures they found in his apartment. They were of me and him. The package was worn, as if he had looked through them over and over again. I can barely stand to have possession of them.
I will write more later, but I just wanted to check in.
Please everybody, no matter how much anger you have toward your addict right now, hug them or call them, draw them close to you, let them know that you love them and then close your eyes and memorize that feeling so that you never have to experience what I am experiencing right now. Wondering whether he knew how much I loved him and trying to remember when the last time was that I reached out to the person behind the addiction (I had so much hatred about it all at the end of our relationship).
Mike -- I love you and miss you. I'm sorry your disease caused me to keep my distance. I wish more then anything that I could have found a way to save you while knowing that it was not possible for me to do that. Please forgive me and give me the chance to forgive you.
"Let it not be death but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way."
-Rabindranath Tagore
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
((((((bluerskies))))) another senseless death. i am so sorry for your loss. i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better. sending prayers up for you & all that loved him.
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
((blue))
i'm so sorry for your loss. you touched my heart and i can't bear to think how i would feel if that happened to my abf. this is something i have long feared and when Rain told me, 3 weeks after the delivery of our baby girl, that now if he died he'd died a happy man, that just completely spooked me, knowing how far he's gone on his using. Luckily it didn't happen and he is now in rehab.
Unfortunately, dealing with addiction is dealing with death and it's a reality we face daily...
I am sure Mike knew how much you loved him and that he had only respect for you that you were able to preserve yourself and take care of yourself. Knowing how much he cared for you, he would be proud to see where you are today.
Thinking of you for the tough days coming over.
x
Carine
i'm so sorry for your loss. you touched my heart and i can't bear to think how i would feel if that happened to my abf. this is something i have long feared and when Rain told me, 3 weeks after the delivery of our baby girl, that now if he died he'd died a happy man, that just completely spooked me, knowing how far he's gone on his using. Luckily it didn't happen and he is now in rehab.
Unfortunately, dealing with addiction is dealing with death and it's a reality we face daily...
I am sure Mike knew how much you loved him and that he had only respect for you that you were able to preserve yourself and take care of yourself. Knowing how much he cared for you, he would be proud to see where you are today.
Thinking of you for the tough days coming over.
x
Carine
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