perpetualgrace

Hi Everyone,

I'm so incredibly grateful I found this forum. Up until
now I've never discussed my drinking problem with
anyone. My husband doesn't know (or is afraid to admit)
what has happened to me. My children are grown, I don't
see my friends anymore...basically I've been all alone with
this.

Wow, this is hard. I guess I'm an alcoholic. Simply typing
that last sentence pretty much brought me to my knees.
The pain and sorrow is so overwhelming and there are days
I think I'd rather not be here. But I don't dwell on that.

I just want my life back. I don't even know who I am anymore.
The person I see looking back in the mirror disgusts me. She's
deceitful, shameful, and a fool.

I was sober for 4 days this time. Actually, I was doing very
well, no cravings, no desires. My last binge had pretty much
convinced me if I didn't stop I'd destroy everything I love.
If not for the grace of God, I would already have.

The thing is I've convinced my self that I haven't "really"
tried to stop before but I probably could control
my drinking if I tried really, really hard.

Then my husband brought home a bottle of wine last night.
Suddenly this thought popped in my head. "Why don't you see
if you can stop at just two glasses? Then you'll know."

I drank half a bottle of wine and three beers. At 3:00 this morning
I wrote myself a note and placed it on my computer screen.

"Now You Know".

So here I am. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling
hopeful.

pg

adore79

Hi pg welcome. You are deffinitely not alone anymore, everyone here understands what it is like. I remember when I actually realized that I was an alcoholic, the thought hit me like a ton of bricks.

There is a lot of support and info here. You might also want to check out the stickie threads at the top of the alcoholism page.

sct

Welcome home.

Lindsay

Welcome! I've found SR to be extremely helpful...read around!

Pixy1

SCT is right, this place is like home and theres no place like home

Welcome :ghug3

Horselover

There is hope and there are friends here for you. Pull up a chair and read and post and enjoy. You can do it one day at a time or whatever works for you. Glad you've come to join us.

warrens

PG, I'm going to suggest that you reconsider the WAY you are looking at things. In no way am I trying to be "superior," but I think in order to become and remain sober, we have to challenge the way we look at a lot of things.

I'm going to suggest that your tears be tears of joy.

Because without the above admission, there can be no END to the pain and sorrow. You have taken the first "step," the most important step, toward healing. Take a deep breath. There, you've said it.

Remember, as a child, when we held on to a lie? The agony of that guilt we carried? And our parents found out and we were scared to death? What happened when we admitted it? That exquisite feeling of relief. Of being unburdened at last.

We can change the way we look at things. It will come if you let it.

Congratulations!

warren

Hope

Glad that you are here!

Hevyn

Welcome! SR has been a miracle for me. I too had no one I could really share my nightmare with. The feeling that I'll never have to be alone again has given me courage & strength. Knowing if I falter I'll be supported with love and compassion means everything. I was on the verge of insanity, afraid to fall asleep because in the end I was convinced I wouldn't wake up. It was no fun, no relaxation, no escape any more in the end - yet I still insisted I could relive my early drinking years if only I could use more willpower. SR helped me see the light. It's wonderful you found us, thank you for sharing your story. Love, Joanie

wibble

Welcome. This site has been amazing for me and is full of support.

Toomutch

PG - I'm glad that you found SR...

Thank you for sharing your story with us, that takes a lot of courage.

nogard

Welcome to SR Glad you found us.

Kevin

perpetualgrace

Thanks everyone for your kind words and welcome. I didn't
mean to unload like that right out of the gate but for once
the need to be totally honest was stronger than my fear.
Of course what I shared is just the tip of the iceberg but
it was a start.

Warren, your right. I realize I should feel joyful that I've
taken the first step. And I do feel a burden has been lifted.

I'm still wrestling with denial. On good days I tend to do
that - today was a good day in that I had no desire to
drink, but I never do the "day after". I have to battle
thoughts like, "Maybe I'm not really an alcoholic, I just have
a drinking problem." Crazy I know, but I still question myself.

Joanie, thank you for the encouragement. I'm beginning to
feel not so alone thanks to SR. At some point I'm going to
have to open up to my husband though I can't even imagine
that right now. I don't think I'm strong enough for that yet.

And to all of you who welcomed me home, that means more
than you'll ever know. Thank you from the bottom of my
heart.

pg

Aysha

Welcome

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community

Don't worry about your anonymity
I don't know a soul in Powder Springs!!
Hello neighbor ...

Glad to see you here with us...and
Yes! you too can win over alcohol.

Blessings to you and your family

Jules62

Hi there PG,

Reading your post reminded me so much of where I was about a year ago when I came here.I couldn't believe the woman in the mirror was me anymore either.I had a husband who cared, friends who loved me, a stable home etc....but I was a mess and just desperate inside.And so damn lonely because I hadn't shared with anyone just how bad my addiction had gotten....

I was scared and still not willing to accept I 'really' was an alcoholic.I tried moderating my drinking for ages-to no avail.I was desperate to be anything but 'that'. But there was such a relief in finally accepting that's who I am too.But it took time.I was really good at hiding it-from my husband and family-but it eventually escalated beyond that.

I'm glad you're here and reaching out.It takes huge courage to make that first post-I know.I just wanted to reassure you that you're among friends here who truly understand.We'll be here for you.

Keep posting and sharing.This place has been a godsend to me and I'm sure it can be for you too,

Julesxox

Itsmytime

I am struggling with the moderation...sometimes I can others no way. So I figure I need to abstain, one day at a time is keeping me focused if I think I can never drink again I feel..I don't know just weird.

Welcome

least

Welcome to a place where we most certainly understand your problems. I've found such support and love here it's helped me stay sober - finally. I'm glad you found us! Keep coming back!

:ghug3

Cathy31

Welcome! Sobriety really really rocks!! Well done!
Cathy31
x

perpetualgrace

Carol said:

Hey there, neighbor! OMG...this is so funny!

Thanks for the reassurance re by anonymity...
but I do have a cousin that lives in Dallas! But
that's okay, you probably don't know him.

And thank you for the warm welcome, Carol. It's great
to meet everyone here.

Jules and its my time, thanks for sharing your story
with me. Today I'm convinced I can't moderate my
drinking. I've convinced myself before but my demon
has always changed my mind. That's one reason I'm
so thankful for SR- I can come here for strength.

Cathy31 and least, thank you for welcoming me. You
don't know how glad I am to be here. Oh wait, you
probably do!

pg