Starting All Over Again (very long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Starting All Over Again (very long)
I'm fairly certain that AH has relapsed and used again. Over a year w/o it. We are planning to move closer to where I am going to grad school and he was stressed about it--really stressed about moving. Last time he was this stressed he used again.
I found some wadded up tinfoil in the trash and some pulled apart pens (along with a small, empty plastic baggie.) I told myself it could be old stuff because we're moving and he might have found some stuff like this in his things, stashed away. Our basement is pretty hideous--unorganized, lots of boxes, etc.
But, I told him what I found and I was upset. Actually, I confronted him (that's more like it.) I was a mess. I was crying, begging him to tell me why. I told him I couldn't believe anything he said, that he always lied to me about this until I broke him down.
He denied it. Said he's been sleeping normally, which is true. He also has some of the "dope sores" on his arm again which he said were from his allergic reaction to a tree he cut down outside. One thing after another. And I kept thinking, "what if he's telling the truth?" and these are just weird circumstances?
So, he talked to me, said he'd never put his relationship at risk again (or his relationship with his daughter.) And he was convincing. It even spoke to my intuition on some level. I probably accepted it too quickly, wanting to be relieved.
But, there was this voice inside me that said, "We'll see. I'll give it a day or two and if he sleeps a lot, I'll know."
He's sleeping a lot. He started "getting sick" yesterday with a chest cold. This is how he has always come down in the past--always. There is always the cold, the sinus infection. He went to the doctor yesterday morning to get some antibiotics and an inhaler. He slept 20 hours yesterday. Went to bed at 7pm and is still in bed now.
When I had pneumonia, I did not sleep this much.
When I had a C-section, I didn't sleep this much.
When I had mono, scarlet fever, strep throat, food poisoning, I didn't sleep this much.
When I had a death in the family, I did not sleep this much.
He's coming down. I know it now. I guess I'm just broken because I don't know what to do. After our daughter gets up from her nap later this afternoon, I'm going to go out for a while, take her swimming, relax.
I wrote him a long letter, explaining how I felt. I can't say it to his face because he'll deny, we'll argue then he'll give me a 15 minute monologue about whatever. I need to get it all out to him, and I will. I know he'll have to get up and that he'll read it.
Where it is now, I'm considering moving by myself--getting a small place for my daughter and I while I finish school.
I don't know, guys. I was so proud of him. For all I know, he's been using for a while, but just using regularly enough to be active during the day and sleep at night. He's also been twitching in his sleep the last few weeks (which is a clear sign.)
I'm numb. I don't know how he'll respond to the letter I've written. I guess I just need to have some encouragement to be strong and not fold if he tries to convince me again. Drug tests are useless as it's already out of his system now.
Why do addicts do this? They get clean and then use and they're screwed all over again? Why go through all the physical ordeal, the mental pain, the suffering? Why cause this hardship for everyone else around them?
He said that he saw his best friend the other day and his friend asked him why he had "dope sores on his arm." He told him the same thing he told me. There is a part of me that wants to talk to that friend of his, just so I can have someone to talk to, someone to help, someone who HE might listen to who is clean and living a good life. I just don't know.
Thanks for reading....
I found some wadded up tinfoil in the trash and some pulled apart pens (along with a small, empty plastic baggie.) I told myself it could be old stuff because we're moving and he might have found some stuff like this in his things, stashed away. Our basement is pretty hideous--unorganized, lots of boxes, etc.
But, I told him what I found and I was upset. Actually, I confronted him (that's more like it.) I was a mess. I was crying, begging him to tell me why. I told him I couldn't believe anything he said, that he always lied to me about this until I broke him down.
He denied it. Said he's been sleeping normally, which is true. He also has some of the "dope sores" on his arm again which he said were from his allergic reaction to a tree he cut down outside. One thing after another. And I kept thinking, "what if he's telling the truth?" and these are just weird circumstances?
So, he talked to me, said he'd never put his relationship at risk again (or his relationship with his daughter.) And he was convincing. It even spoke to my intuition on some level. I probably accepted it too quickly, wanting to be relieved.
But, there was this voice inside me that said, "We'll see. I'll give it a day or two and if he sleeps a lot, I'll know."
He's sleeping a lot. He started "getting sick" yesterday with a chest cold. This is how he has always come down in the past--always. There is always the cold, the sinus infection. He went to the doctor yesterday morning to get some antibiotics and an inhaler. He slept 20 hours yesterday. Went to bed at 7pm and is still in bed now.
When I had pneumonia, I did not sleep this much.
When I had a C-section, I didn't sleep this much.
When I had mono, scarlet fever, strep throat, food poisoning, I didn't sleep this much.
When I had a death in the family, I did not sleep this much.
He's coming down. I know it now. I guess I'm just broken because I don't know what to do. After our daughter gets up from her nap later this afternoon, I'm going to go out for a while, take her swimming, relax.
I wrote him a long letter, explaining how I felt. I can't say it to his face because he'll deny, we'll argue then he'll give me a 15 minute monologue about whatever. I need to get it all out to him, and I will. I know he'll have to get up and that he'll read it.
Where it is now, I'm considering moving by myself--getting a small place for my daughter and I while I finish school.
I don't know, guys. I was so proud of him. For all I know, he's been using for a while, but just using regularly enough to be active during the day and sleep at night. He's also been twitching in his sleep the last few weeks (which is a clear sign.)
I'm numb. I don't know how he'll respond to the letter I've written. I guess I just need to have some encouragement to be strong and not fold if he tries to convince me again. Drug tests are useless as it's already out of his system now.
Why do addicts do this? They get clean and then use and they're screwed all over again? Why go through all the physical ordeal, the mental pain, the suffering? Why cause this hardship for everyone else around them?
He said that he saw his best friend the other day and his friend asked him why he had "dope sores on his arm." He told him the same thing he told me. There is a part of me that wants to talk to that friend of his, just so I can have someone to talk to, someone to help, someone who HE might listen to who is clean and living a good life. I just don't know.
Thanks for reading....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I'm so sorry Zombie, sounds very disappionting.
You know you need to stay strong, for yourself and your daughter. You are so clear and you know what you know. Stay with that. I'm sending you some strength and encouragement!
(((hugs)))
You know you need to stay strong, for yourself and your daughter. You are so clear and you know what you know. Stay with that. I'm sending you some strength and encouragement!
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
oh zw... I am sorry you are going thru this. Stay focused on you and believe in yourself. It is so easy sometimes to get sucked in 'cuz you want to believe something other than what is happening. Reach out, so to meetings, take care of the little one and plan for you. HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((ZW)))
I'm sorry. I know you want validation that what you're thinking is true, but it probably won't come from him. Trust your gut. If I were in your shoes, I'd say he's used and I'm a recovering addict.
As to why we go back to the crap when we've done good for so long, I can only answer for myself. I got clean, but I didn't change my thoughts and feelings. I didn't use for close to 2 years, but was still thinking like an addict. We can only do that for so long, then enough stresses build up (most of it just normal life stuff) and we go back to using.
We have to find other ways to deal with stress that don't involve using. He, apparently, hasn't done that.
I'm sure he DOESN'T want to lose you or the relationship with his daughter, but he is not doing what he needs to do to keep the relationships.
I know this is hard, but I think you and your daughter need to move on without him. He has to face consequences or he will continue. He may STILL continue using, but at least the 2 of you won't be dragged down with him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry. I know you want validation that what you're thinking is true, but it probably won't come from him. Trust your gut. If I were in your shoes, I'd say he's used and I'm a recovering addict.
As to why we go back to the crap when we've done good for so long, I can only answer for myself. I got clean, but I didn't change my thoughts and feelings. I didn't use for close to 2 years, but was still thinking like an addict. We can only do that for so long, then enough stresses build up (most of it just normal life stuff) and we go back to using.
We have to find other ways to deal with stress that don't involve using. He, apparently, hasn't done that.
I'm sure he DOESN'T want to lose you or the relationship with his daughter, but he is not doing what he needs to do to keep the relationships.
I know this is hard, but I think you and your daughter need to move on without him. He has to face consequences or he will continue. He may STILL continue using, but at least the 2 of you won't be dragged down with him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
It really sounds like your in a sad situation Zombiewife. I feel that you have it together and getting away now may be great. Your getting a degree and know what you want for you and your daughter. My son is the worry in my life and I just can't imagaine raising children with an addict or alcoholic living with us daily. Good luck and my prayers are with you. Smiles, Bonnie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Thanks for the encouragement, guys. I'm at my mom's now, making lunch for my girl and then she'll go down for a nap. The letter I wrote was really harsh. I told him that if the drug use wasn't bad enough, when he came down and was sleeping for days, he was f*ing me over, and that wasn't a partnership. I told him that I'm not worried about making it without him because each time this happens, I'm a single mom anyway. And I can do it, no issue there.
I told him that he F*ed me over when I was having our baby, that he slept through me being in labor for 12 hours, through contractions, then after she was born, he slept again and I lied to all my friends and family that he was "up with me all night," and I was done lying.
I told him he screwed me over when she was going through her 6 week growth spurt and I hadn't slept for 72 hours and was too tired to sleep. He called in sick to work, then went back to sleep while I sat there with an infant, delirious and hallucinating from lack of sleep.
I told him that this was killing the love I felt inside and that he had no idea how that felt.
I told him if I ever found out who gave him drugs, I would torture and kill them and still not be satisfied. (I know, it's petty, but it is what it is.)
I told him that I can't believe him anymore. That my trust is gone. I told him that I used to believe that we would always fight together to make it through and that I didn't believe that anymore. That he was making me not believe in God because God never answered my prayers that he not use anymore. (Again, emotional reaction, I know this.)
I told him that we would never make it without help, that I would never leave our daughter with him alone again. I begged in numerous ways to know why, why he would do this again, start all over again, do this to me, to our girl. Why he would turn me into this person I barely recognize anymore, and I blamed him for that.
I told him I wasn't sorry for anything I said, that I was through being sorry. I was tired, so tired and weary and couldn't live this way.
I told him I was coming home tonight, sleeping in our child's room (on the futon,) and that he probably wouldn't even notice, because he would be sleeping, and that I had to look forward to that the next day.
I told him I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I can't even go into our room to look for clothes, to get something clean to wear. I'm in jail. Is that what he wanted?
I told him this was not the life I ever saw for myself. Ever.
A part of me cringes as I type this. Another part had to do it, no matter the cost.
Anyway, I'll keep you updated. My guess is he'll call, cry, say he's sorry, or deny it and get angry. When he's in this "mode" he's impossible to reason with. He's angry, defensive, and aggressive.
Thanks for all the good wishes, thoughts, words and prayers. I'll take all I can get right now.
I told him that he F*ed me over when I was having our baby, that he slept through me being in labor for 12 hours, through contractions, then after she was born, he slept again and I lied to all my friends and family that he was "up with me all night," and I was done lying.
I told him he screwed me over when she was going through her 6 week growth spurt and I hadn't slept for 72 hours and was too tired to sleep. He called in sick to work, then went back to sleep while I sat there with an infant, delirious and hallucinating from lack of sleep.
I told him that this was killing the love I felt inside and that he had no idea how that felt.
I told him if I ever found out who gave him drugs, I would torture and kill them and still not be satisfied. (I know, it's petty, but it is what it is.)
I told him that I can't believe him anymore. That my trust is gone. I told him that I used to believe that we would always fight together to make it through and that I didn't believe that anymore. That he was making me not believe in God because God never answered my prayers that he not use anymore. (Again, emotional reaction, I know this.)
I told him that we would never make it without help, that I would never leave our daughter with him alone again. I begged in numerous ways to know why, why he would do this again, start all over again, do this to me, to our girl. Why he would turn me into this person I barely recognize anymore, and I blamed him for that.
I told him I wasn't sorry for anything I said, that I was through being sorry. I was tired, so tired and weary and couldn't live this way.
I told him I was coming home tonight, sleeping in our child's room (on the futon,) and that he probably wouldn't even notice, because he would be sleeping, and that I had to look forward to that the next day.
I told him I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I can't even go into our room to look for clothes, to get something clean to wear. I'm in jail. Is that what he wanted?
I told him this was not the life I ever saw for myself. Ever.
A part of me cringes as I type this. Another part had to do it, no matter the cost.
Anyway, I'll keep you updated. My guess is he'll call, cry, say he's sorry, or deny it and get angry. When he's in this "mode" he's impossible to reason with. He's angry, defensive, and aggressive.
Thanks for all the good wishes, thoughts, words and prayers. I'll take all I can get right now.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Zombie wife
As if you didn't have enough to worry about with school and your daughter.
I'm sad to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. I don't have any advice that you probably haven't heard a million times. I hear the frustration in your post about sleeping on the futon and maybe he wouldn't even notice. I've felt that isolation and hurt before myself.
I know how crazy-making it can be for an addict to swear they are not using when all their behavior is screaming drug use.
One of the things I decided for myself with my niece, since I never could tell if she was using or not, is that I was going to expect the behavior appropriate for her age and role in our family. If the behavior wasn't appropriate, I'd set a boundary that allowed me to live my life productively. As it turns out, she doesn't live with us anymore.
So, my prayer for you is that you can decide what you need to live a productive, purposeful life that nurtures you and your daughter - and that you are able to discern if he is able to be supportive of that or not. At least that way, if you decide to stay, you'll not be expecting something he doesn't have to give.
God Bless
As if you didn't have enough to worry about with school and your daughter.
I'm sad to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. I don't have any advice that you probably haven't heard a million times. I hear the frustration in your post about sleeping on the futon and maybe he wouldn't even notice. I've felt that isolation and hurt before myself.
I know how crazy-making it can be for an addict to swear they are not using when all their behavior is screaming drug use.
One of the things I decided for myself with my niece, since I never could tell if she was using or not, is that I was going to expect the behavior appropriate for her age and role in our family. If the behavior wasn't appropriate, I'd set a boundary that allowed me to live my life productively. As it turns out, she doesn't live with us anymore.
So, my prayer for you is that you can decide what you need to live a productive, purposeful life that nurtures you and your daughter - and that you are able to discern if he is able to be supportive of that or not. At least that way, if you decide to stay, you'll not be expecting something he doesn't have to give.
God Bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
He's standing by that he's clean, that he's just really sick. He is so furious right now at the letter I wrote, saying that so much of it is from over a year ago, that I said I had forgiven him (which I don't think I have.)
Then we went back and forth on the phone. I told him I am up for talking when I got home after I ate with my folks, and his response (via text) was, "thanks for telling me I'm eating alone tonight."
I called him and said, "why would I WANT to come home after that comment?"
Then he went on about how terrible that letter was, and to just "stay there and not come home."
So, I texted back (he wouldn't answer his phone,) saying that I would be by in a while to get some clean clothes for our daughter and myself, and he called back and said, "if you take my daughter from me, I'll call the police and tell them you kidnapped her."
Then he told me what a liar I was because of this or that. He just went on and on and every time I tried to calm him down, to tell him to please talk to me like a human being, he would just blurt something out like, "just leave," then turn around and say, "don't you dare leave with our daughter." As if he could take care of her? So, maybe that's his way of holding me hostage, I don't know.
Then, after I was begging him to please listen to himself, to please try and be reasonable, he started sobbing, saying he felt so sick, that he didn't want to argue, that he just wanted to go to rest, that he would just stay in the bedroom if I came home and stay out of my way, and hung up.
Drama. Drama. Drama.
I don't know how to get to "him" -- the "him" that I know is under there somewhere.
I honestly don't know if he was using now. He wasn't groggy or incoherent like he's been in the past. And he said that if he had been using, he would have told me, and to go talk to the doctor if I didn't believe he was sick.
Lost. Just fuddled. He said "YOU get to fix this. I'm through trying to jump through hoops for you." So, who knows. I don't know.
Then we went back and forth on the phone. I told him I am up for talking when I got home after I ate with my folks, and his response (via text) was, "thanks for telling me I'm eating alone tonight."
I called him and said, "why would I WANT to come home after that comment?"
Then he went on about how terrible that letter was, and to just "stay there and not come home."
So, I texted back (he wouldn't answer his phone,) saying that I would be by in a while to get some clean clothes for our daughter and myself, and he called back and said, "if you take my daughter from me, I'll call the police and tell them you kidnapped her."
Then he told me what a liar I was because of this or that. He just went on and on and every time I tried to calm him down, to tell him to please talk to me like a human being, he would just blurt something out like, "just leave," then turn around and say, "don't you dare leave with our daughter." As if he could take care of her? So, maybe that's his way of holding me hostage, I don't know.
Then, after I was begging him to please listen to himself, to please try and be reasonable, he started sobbing, saying he felt so sick, that he didn't want to argue, that he just wanted to go to rest, that he would just stay in the bedroom if I came home and stay out of my way, and hung up.
Drama. Drama. Drama.
I don't know how to get to "him" -- the "him" that I know is under there somewhere.
I honestly don't know if he was using now. He wasn't groggy or incoherent like he's been in the past. And he said that if he had been using, he would have told me, and to go talk to the doctor if I didn't believe he was sick.
Lost. Just fuddled. He said "YOU get to fix this. I'm through trying to jump through hoops for you." So, who knows. I don't know.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((ZW)))
Go back and read your first post here. He may NOT be using today, but, like you said, all the signs were there. I don't remember what his DOC is, but if it's crack, I know that after I slept a lot, I was perfectly "normal". My friend who occasionally did meth, was the same way. We could do our thing, be up for a while, then sleep and no one would know what we had done.
Why is he crying and saying he wants to rest....isn't that all he's been doing?
Sorry, sweetie, but I think he's just manipulating you.
You do not need his permission to take your daughter to your parents. You deserve a night away from him, and not just on the futon.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Go back and read your first post here. He may NOT be using today, but, like you said, all the signs were there. I don't remember what his DOC is, but if it's crack, I know that after I slept a lot, I was perfectly "normal". My friend who occasionally did meth, was the same way. We could do our thing, be up for a while, then sleep and no one would know what we had done.
Why is he crying and saying he wants to rest....isn't that all he's been doing?
Sorry, sweetie, but I think he's just manipulating you.
You do not need his permission to take your daughter to your parents. You deserve a night away from him, and not just on the futon.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Drama. Drama. Drama.
I don't know how to get to "him" -- the "him" that I know is under there somewhere.
I don't know how to get to "him" -- the "him" that I know is under there somewhere.
I had to look at my motivation all the time...kept doing it until it became habit. Was I acting because it was what I needed for me, or because I thought what I did would cause a reaction....a way to manipulate or control my addict. The self check helped me start shifting the focus from the addict back to where it needed to be; on me.
I'm so sorry you have had active use thrown back on your plate. I know how hard it is not to think he is doing it "to" you. I think especially in a marriage or intimate relationship it has to be so hard not to feel that way since the relationship is built on trust. How tough to separate the disease from the person. You're in my thoughts. Glad you are looking out for you and your little one.
Last edited by greeteachday; 09-12-2008 at 04:40 AM.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I'm sorry ZW. Meth is such a nasty drug.
It's so hard to tell when there is a
"true" relapse and when someone is lying.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
My thoughts are with you and your ****{family.}}}
It's so hard to tell when there is a
"true" relapse and when someone is lying.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
My thoughts are with you and your ****{family.}}}
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((zw))))))
My advise is take care of you. I know how hard it is to detach from what they are doing.
I no longer have to search for "proof" cause I know all the symptoms so why bother asking him about it cause I already know.
My H will sometimes go a few months or weeks without using and things seem to be getting on track and I want to say hey things are beginning to look up them bamm! he is right back on the train to hell.
What I have learned from this trip is that I do not have to get back on the train with him. Yes it is tempting to do. I like to picture myself smiling and waving to him as he takes off on his train to no where.
My advise is take care of you. I know how hard it is to detach from what they are doing.
I no longer have to search for "proof" cause I know all the symptoms so why bother asking him about it cause I already know.
My H will sometimes go a few months or weeks without using and things seem to be getting on track and I want to say hey things are beginning to look up them bamm! he is right back on the train to hell.
What I have learned from this trip is that I do not have to get back on the train with him. Yes it is tempting to do. I like to picture myself smiling and waving to him as he takes off on his train to no where.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
You are living my old life.
Please remember you have a choice,you can begin to build a new life
for yourself and your child.
As others have said he seems to have not changed his thoughts and
behaviors, a sure fire way for relapse.
My EXAH lived in a half way house for 8 months his behaviors and poor me attitude didn't change. He relapsed and is now jobless and homeless.
Your child and you can have a better life, I'm not saying it will be easy,
but each day will get a little better.
Much Love and Prayers to you and your child.......
Please remember you have a choice,you can begin to build a new life
for yourself and your child.
As others have said he seems to have not changed his thoughts and
behaviors, a sure fire way for relapse.
My EXAH lived in a half way house for 8 months his behaviors and poor me attitude didn't change. He relapsed and is now jobless and homeless.
Your child and you can have a better life, I'm not saying it will be easy,
but each day will get a little better.
Much Love and Prayers to you and your child.......
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
ZW, I hear your pain and am sorry you are going through this. I also hear your anger and resentments and gotta tell you, that can eat you alive if you let it.
Have you tried going to meetings, I promise you that if you open your heart and give it a chance, meetings are a great place to start healing.
He is what he is, using or not, and you can`t change any of that. If love could save them not one of us would be here. But maybe it`s time to save yourself...you really are worth it and life doesn`t have to be this hard.
Hugs
Have you tried going to meetings, I promise you that if you open your heart and give it a chance, meetings are a great place to start healing.
He is what he is, using or not, and you can`t change any of that. If love could save them not one of us would be here. But maybe it`s time to save yourself...you really are worth it and life doesn`t have to be this hard.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Hey all. Well, I'm back at home. My gut tells me he wasn't using. He just isn't like he was when he was using in the past. I talked to a few other males in my life and they pretty much tell me that this is common in guys--when they get sick, to sleep and be huge babies. Even before he started using, when he would get sick, he would behave like this. And yes, it's similar to the "coming down" part in the past.
He's feeling better today, just a little grumpy and snippy. When I came home last night, he had been waiting for me to get back and just hugged me and held me and said he was sorry for being difficult and mean and that he just plain didn't feel good, please believe him. In the past, he would always admit to using if he had. This time, he's not budging and I think he's being honest.
He said if he found any old stuff from old use, he would tell me immediately (during packing, etc.) But that he had found a bit over the past week and had just trashed it. No actual drugs, just empty packets or old foil wads, etc. He told me he had a lot of hiding places that I didn't know about and now that we're going through our stuff, he's finding it here and there. Didn't think it would upset me.
I know it sounds pathetic, but I really have to stand MY ground on this and just say that I do believe him. The problem is, he's tired of me not believing in him and trusting him. What I wrote to him hurt him a lot and he agreed that we need help together as a couple because we can't do this alone. Our relationship has deteriorated a lot and every time we try to talk about things, it turns so ugly.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this disappoints some of you. I just have to go with what I feel and I feel he's being honest with me. I just think he's being a big F*ing baby about being sick. I am out maybe one day when I'm sick, but he's out for a week. He eats only crap, drinks only crap and wonders why he's not feeling better more quickly.
Anyway, my wee little one is waking up, so time to go tend to her and go out to the store today. Thanks for all your words. I think I need help on myself right now. That isn't a cop out. I think I'm making this situation worse because I can't let go of some things and because I am still so angry and can't forgive him yet.
He's feeling better today, just a little grumpy and snippy. When I came home last night, he had been waiting for me to get back and just hugged me and held me and said he was sorry for being difficult and mean and that he just plain didn't feel good, please believe him. In the past, he would always admit to using if he had. This time, he's not budging and I think he's being honest.
He said if he found any old stuff from old use, he would tell me immediately (during packing, etc.) But that he had found a bit over the past week and had just trashed it. No actual drugs, just empty packets or old foil wads, etc. He told me he had a lot of hiding places that I didn't know about and now that we're going through our stuff, he's finding it here and there. Didn't think it would upset me.
I know it sounds pathetic, but I really have to stand MY ground on this and just say that I do believe him. The problem is, he's tired of me not believing in him and trusting him. What I wrote to him hurt him a lot and he agreed that we need help together as a couple because we can't do this alone. Our relationship has deteriorated a lot and every time we try to talk about things, it turns so ugly.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this disappoints some of you. I just have to go with what I feel and I feel he's being honest with me. I just think he's being a big F*ing baby about being sick. I am out maybe one day when I'm sick, but he's out for a week. He eats only crap, drinks only crap and wonders why he's not feeling better more quickly.
Anyway, my wee little one is waking up, so time to go tend to her and go out to the store today. Thanks for all your words. I think I need help on myself right now. That isn't a cop out. I think I'm making this situation worse because I can't let go of some things and because I am still so angry and can't forgive him yet.
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