Is anger normal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5
Is anger normal?
I just found you today and have learned a lot in just a few hours.
Background - Husband & I have been married a year, 2nd for me, 4th for him. We are in our 40's, kids grown and on their own.
When we started dating I knew he enjoyed a few beers in the evening. He is now "enjoying" up to 13 a night. He thinks it relaxes him. And it does, to the point he falls asleep or just sits with the TV on. When I try to talk to him (NOT about drinking) he is very moody and sullen.
(what I first loved about him is his conversational skills)
When we get home from work he tells me about his day, mostly how stressed he is, then he heads to the fridge for beer. It's pretty much down hill from there. Some nights I can't even be in the same room with him watching TV or later sleeping because of the beer smell.
Sex really isn't a part of our lives, even thought it was very important when we first met. He says it's age, that may be part of it, I think it's because he is out when he hits the pillow.
A few weeks ago I told him how concerned I am about his drinking and he agreed he shouldn't drink every night and not as much in one night. Nothing has changed.
We are leaving in the AM for a quiet week of vacation. Now my question - I know it is his problem, not mine, he owns it, but I have so much anger when I hear a can open. I don't react but I'm sure he knows it bothers me.
How can I control my thoughts, how do I get past the anger? It's starting to turn to hate.
Background - Husband & I have been married a year, 2nd for me, 4th for him. We are in our 40's, kids grown and on their own.
When we started dating I knew he enjoyed a few beers in the evening. He is now "enjoying" up to 13 a night. He thinks it relaxes him. And it does, to the point he falls asleep or just sits with the TV on. When I try to talk to him (NOT about drinking) he is very moody and sullen.
(what I first loved about him is his conversational skills)
When we get home from work he tells me about his day, mostly how stressed he is, then he heads to the fridge for beer. It's pretty much down hill from there. Some nights I can't even be in the same room with him watching TV or later sleeping because of the beer smell.
Sex really isn't a part of our lives, even thought it was very important when we first met. He says it's age, that may be part of it, I think it's because he is out when he hits the pillow.
A few weeks ago I told him how concerned I am about his drinking and he agreed he shouldn't drink every night and not as much in one night. Nothing has changed.
We are leaving in the AM for a quiet week of vacation. Now my question - I know it is his problem, not mine, he owns it, but I have so much anger when I hear a can open. I don't react but I'm sure he knows it bothers me.
How can I control my thoughts, how do I get past the anger? It's starting to turn to hate.
Last edited by mag; 07-18-2003 at 11:10 AM.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Mag and welcome to our forum.
It is normal to get angry in a situation like this. Not healthy, but angry none the less. And sadly, there is nothing you can do to change him until he is ready to take some positive action for himself.
But there are many things you can do for yourself and to relieve the anger. If you haven't been to Al-Anon, do yourself one huge favour and go. The people there are just like you and can offer you live support and help in working a program that promises serenity.
And just make youself comfortable here, reading the "powerposts" at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards. There is a ton of good information there that will help you get started on working a program for yourself. Also, there is a terrific book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that I highly recommend. It is clearly written and explains about codependency and offers suggestions on how to remove yourself from being the victim.
I'm glad you joined us and hope we can help you on your journey through recovery.
It is normal to get angry in a situation like this. Not healthy, but angry none the less. And sadly, there is nothing you can do to change him until he is ready to take some positive action for himself.
But there are many things you can do for yourself and to relieve the anger. If you haven't been to Al-Anon, do yourself one huge favour and go. The people there are just like you and can offer you live support and help in working a program that promises serenity.
And just make youself comfortable here, reading the "powerposts" at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards. There is a ton of good information there that will help you get started on working a program for yourself. Also, there is a terrific book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that I highly recommend. It is clearly written and explains about codependency and offers suggestions on how to remove yourself from being the victim.
I'm glad you joined us and hope we can help you on your journey through recovery.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Man, I hate those cans. Don't ever want to see another in my life!
Mag:
I knew it was time to separate from my husband one day when I was in a convience store, and the delivery guy came in with a cart of Coors Lite and I wanted to slug him. There he was, some guy that I didn't even know, just doing his job, and I wanted to hit him and tell him to get that damn cart of silver cans out of my sight.
The anger is normal - I think it is a reaction to being hurt so many times. If you beat a puppy with a stick, eventually the puppy will react anytime he sees the stick.
A dozen or so beers a night is what my husband would do too. I never thought too much about it, cause it'd be bedtime by the time he'd be messed up. He'd go to bed, and wake up the next morning and go to work. So, I never thought of it being an addiction.
But, when he retired (no more job stress excuses) the drinking didn't decrease, it increased. Since he didn't have to go to work, the first beer can would open about 10:00 in the morning, vice 5:00 pm after work. I went from having an nightime drunk to a mid-afternoon drunk on my hands.
I've since learned that alcoholism is progressive. It won't get better, or even stay the same, on it's own, it'll get worse. Their personalities will change, and will become more isolated and removed from you and everybody else.
Don't feel guilty about your anger, but at the same time, don't waste your time venting it at him.
Put your energy into being with other people. The less time you spend around him, the more your mind will be on other positive things. Maybe taking vacations or being in situations where you are alone with him is something you need to start planning to avoid. That's a sad thing to say, but something that might be needed to keep you from being a beaten puppy.
I knew it was time to separate from my husband one day when I was in a convience store, and the delivery guy came in with a cart of Coors Lite and I wanted to slug him. There he was, some guy that I didn't even know, just doing his job, and I wanted to hit him and tell him to get that damn cart of silver cans out of my sight.
The anger is normal - I think it is a reaction to being hurt so many times. If you beat a puppy with a stick, eventually the puppy will react anytime he sees the stick.
A dozen or so beers a night is what my husband would do too. I never thought too much about it, cause it'd be bedtime by the time he'd be messed up. He'd go to bed, and wake up the next morning and go to work. So, I never thought of it being an addiction.
But, when he retired (no more job stress excuses) the drinking didn't decrease, it increased. Since he didn't have to go to work, the first beer can would open about 10:00 in the morning, vice 5:00 pm after work. I went from having an nightime drunk to a mid-afternoon drunk on my hands.
I've since learned that alcoholism is progressive. It won't get better, or even stay the same, on it's own, it'll get worse. Their personalities will change, and will become more isolated and removed from you and everybody else.
Don't feel guilty about your anger, but at the same time, don't waste your time venting it at him.
Put your energy into being with other people. The less time you spend around him, the more your mind will be on other positive things. Maybe taking vacations or being in situations where you are alone with him is something you need to start planning to avoid. That's a sad thing to say, but something that might be needed to keep you from being a beaten puppy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Hi Mag and welcome!
For myself, dealing with the anger was/is the hardest part as well. For so long I heard how his stuff was his stuff and my stuff was my stuff, I own my feelings, so if I am feeling anger, then it’s up to me to deal with it. that is correct, but for a long time and still now at times, rather than ‘deal’ with the anger I would ‘stuff’ it down, and tell it to go away—if I did that then I didn’t have to deal with it, so in my mind it must be gone.
What I have found that works for me is every time I am angry about something HE has done, is to deal with it as soon as I can with a rational, open mind. For me, it is OK to be angry with him too, why shouldn’t I be? He has taken a beautiful body and mind (himself) and nearly destroyed it, as well as caused a lot of pain for those closest to him (me, the kids). It’s whether I CHOOSE to let go of the anger now or hold on to it and let it build into deep resentments that is the difference at this point. He is in recovery now and anger is still very much a part of what we’re both dealing with, it’s how we choose to face it that matters the most, I believe.
Alanon meetings will help you so much. If you haven’t gone, please consider it. I debated for weeks before I went to my first one, now I don’t know what I would do without it. You don’t have to speak unless you want to, and no one will make you feel out of place. There is a lot of love and support and understanding. Sometimes listening to how others have experienced similar situations can help us get on the right track.
Stay strong and keep coming back.
((hugs))
For myself, dealing with the anger was/is the hardest part as well. For so long I heard how his stuff was his stuff and my stuff was my stuff, I own my feelings, so if I am feeling anger, then it’s up to me to deal with it. that is correct, but for a long time and still now at times, rather than ‘deal’ with the anger I would ‘stuff’ it down, and tell it to go away—if I did that then I didn’t have to deal with it, so in my mind it must be gone.
What I have found that works for me is every time I am angry about something HE has done, is to deal with it as soon as I can with a rational, open mind. For me, it is OK to be angry with him too, why shouldn’t I be? He has taken a beautiful body and mind (himself) and nearly destroyed it, as well as caused a lot of pain for those closest to him (me, the kids). It’s whether I CHOOSE to let go of the anger now or hold on to it and let it build into deep resentments that is the difference at this point. He is in recovery now and anger is still very much a part of what we’re both dealing with, it’s how we choose to face it that matters the most, I believe.
Alanon meetings will help you so much. If you haven’t gone, please consider it. I debated for weeks before I went to my first one, now I don’t know what I would do without it. You don’t have to speak unless you want to, and no one will make you feel out of place. There is a lot of love and support and understanding. Sometimes listening to how others have experienced similar situations can help us get on the right track.
Stay strong and keep coming back.
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5
Thanks for the responses. I never thought I would be posting on a board like this.
I will pick up the suggested book to read at the beach.
Having been married only a year, I can't think about it ending, not yet. He said drinking wasn't a problem for his any of his exwives. I suspect it was.
"What I have found that works for me is every time I am angry about something HE has done, is to deal with it as soon as I can with a rational, open mind."
How do you deal with it?
I will pick up the suggested book to read at the beach.
Having been married only a year, I can't think about it ending, not yet. He said drinking wasn't a problem for his any of his exwives. I suspect it was.
"What I have found that works for me is every time I am angry about something HE has done, is to deal with it as soon as I can with a rational, open mind."
How do you deal with it?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
When I came to the place that I could accept that his addiction was something he could not control on his own, and I came to a place that I believed with all my heart that nothing I was doing was going to help him, that he had to seek help on his own, for himself, I was able to begin dealing with my anger. By dealing I mean taking one thing at a time that I was/am angry about and concentrating just on that one thing until I had it resolved in my mind.
For example, my H would tell me that the reason he hid his drinking from me was because he felt that I was comparing him to my first H, who is also an A. I would be racked with guilt and convince myself it must be true! Over time I became really angry as I realized this was just a ploy on his part to get out of taking responsibility for his own actions. I would stuff those feelings though, afraid to rock the boat with him. Over time and with much looking within myself I have been able to face the anger I felt about this issue by first recognizing that in fact he was partly right in what he had said, I DO have a lot of old fears that still bother me. But I also know that I am not responsible for his choosing to drink/hide his drink. As I understand his addiction more and more I am able to understand that an alcoholic will do/say whatever they have to lay the blame on anyone besides themselves. That doesn’t release him from being guilty of saying it to me, but it helps me understand WHY, which helps me let go of anger. I also believe that letting go of the need to control my H and work on myself is bringing me the ability to let go of anger—realizing that anger is only going to hold me back rather than let me move forward.
I don’t know if this helps or not, and I certainly don’t have all the answers. I still struggle with anger, sometimes daily, but I keep reminding myself that anger won’t help me, it will only impede me and keep me caught up in the past.
((hugs))
For example, my H would tell me that the reason he hid his drinking from me was because he felt that I was comparing him to my first H, who is also an A. I would be racked with guilt and convince myself it must be true! Over time I became really angry as I realized this was just a ploy on his part to get out of taking responsibility for his own actions. I would stuff those feelings though, afraid to rock the boat with him. Over time and with much looking within myself I have been able to face the anger I felt about this issue by first recognizing that in fact he was partly right in what he had said, I DO have a lot of old fears that still bother me. But I also know that I am not responsible for his choosing to drink/hide his drink. As I understand his addiction more and more I am able to understand that an alcoholic will do/say whatever they have to lay the blame on anyone besides themselves. That doesn’t release him from being guilty of saying it to me, but it helps me understand WHY, which helps me let go of anger. I also believe that letting go of the need to control my H and work on myself is bringing me the ability to let go of anger—realizing that anger is only going to hold me back rather than let me move forward.
I don’t know if this helps or not, and I certainly don’t have all the answers. I still struggle with anger, sometimes daily, but I keep reminding myself that anger won’t help me, it will only impede me and keep me caught up in the past.
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5
I guess I will have lots to think about this next week at the beach. They do have a meeting during the week, I'll try to go.
One more question - can someone that drinks 10 beers a night cut back to just a couple from time to time? or is this the point where it has to be all or nothing?
He agrees he drinks too much but says he will never give it up completely.
One more question - can someone that drinks 10 beers a night cut back to just a couple from time to time? or is this the point where it has to be all or nothing?
He agrees he drinks too much but says he will never give it up completely.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Mag,
That is a hard question. And one that can really only be answered by the person who is doing the drinking. I can look at it from my perspective and know that I can have one or two beers/drinks and be just fine. When I was younger I could party with the best of them and drink all night. But, I never feel or have felt the overwhelming need to drink, cravings, urges, etc.
My H has been in treatment 4 times now, he tells me this time he finally gets it, HE cannot drink ever, not one drink, not once every other month, year, for him it is never.
To me that is the difference between being a social drinker and an addict.
That is a hard question. And one that can really only be answered by the person who is doing the drinking. I can look at it from my perspective and know that I can have one or two beers/drinks and be just fine. When I was younger I could party with the best of them and drink all night. But, I never feel or have felt the overwhelming need to drink, cravings, urges, etc.
My H has been in treatment 4 times now, he tells me this time he finally gets it, HE cannot drink ever, not one drink, not once every other month, year, for him it is never.
To me that is the difference between being a social drinker and an addict.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 3
Hi, I am a new member, but being married to an alcoholic for over 20 years, I despise the smell and sight of beer. I can relate to the anger. I am also angry for what has been taken away from me and the fact that over the years every function that involved drinking that we went to, he would barely be able to walk after embarressing me and saying things that shouldn't be shared that we don't go out together anymore and I will not just stop for a drink anymore cause I know what it leads to.. As soon as I see the first 2 or 3 beers slip down, I get angry and the whole night is ruined for me as I know there will be no stopping til a dozen or more are gone. The incredibly sad part is the next day once sobered up, he expects everything to go on as before. Most of the time I am quite positive he blacks out and doesn't remember the pain and shame he has caused me, but he still will not take responsibility for his disease.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Mag:
My A only drank beer, (unless it was a special occasion, then he'd drink wine). Since it was never hard liquor, he'd tell me that there was nothing wrong with it.
Since he habitually drank so much beer, I kind of got used to it, and sort of believed him at first. Then, one day, I decided to do a calculation to figure out how much alcohol he was drinking in all those "its only beer" cans.
The brand he drank had 1/2 ounce of alcohol per 12 oz can. No big deal, right? Well, my A got to the point where he was going thru 18 cans a day. That's 9 ounces of alcohol per day.
As a means of comparison, I decided to figure out how the equates to drinking hard liquor. One fifth-size bottle of 80 proof bourbon calculates to contain 10 ounces of alcohol. I was shocked. I was living with someone who was basically drinking a fifth of hard liquor a day.
Your H downs 10 cans a night. Depending on the brand, the amount of alcohol may vary, but that's in the ballpark of 5 ounces of bourbon. (Which is half a fifth). That's not social drinking. (Would it alarm you if you saw that much hard liquor being consumed?)
One sign of alcholism is that they cannot stop drinking, once they have had the first drink. There is some sort of physical/biological thing that happens - the alcohol affects them differently than the rest of us.
My A says that there is nothing wrong with drinking beer, that sometimes he just "drinks too many". Like as if it happens by some mysterious force, or aliens from outerspace took over his body and he's not responsible for it. He seems to think there is some kind of "good" level of drinking beer, but will refuse to contemplate how much is a "good level". If I try to talk about "how many" is "good" I'm accused of nit-picking.
I suspect you will run into the same thing. He will resist putting a number on how many is "cutting back" but will prefer that you trust him to buy a case and only take say, 3 cans out of the package.
But, once anybody drinks 1 can, their thought process is different. The person who said "I'll cut back" is now under the influence of alcohol. And, the alcohol will tell them that cutting back is silly.
P.S. Just another rule of thumb. Health experts say that 2 drinks per day is considered "moderate" drinking for men. For women, it's 1 drink.
My A only drank beer, (unless it was a special occasion, then he'd drink wine). Since it was never hard liquor, he'd tell me that there was nothing wrong with it.
Since he habitually drank so much beer, I kind of got used to it, and sort of believed him at first. Then, one day, I decided to do a calculation to figure out how much alcohol he was drinking in all those "its only beer" cans.
The brand he drank had 1/2 ounce of alcohol per 12 oz can. No big deal, right? Well, my A got to the point where he was going thru 18 cans a day. That's 9 ounces of alcohol per day.
As a means of comparison, I decided to figure out how the equates to drinking hard liquor. One fifth-size bottle of 80 proof bourbon calculates to contain 10 ounces of alcohol. I was shocked. I was living with someone who was basically drinking a fifth of hard liquor a day.
Your H downs 10 cans a night. Depending on the brand, the amount of alcohol may vary, but that's in the ballpark of 5 ounces of bourbon. (Which is half a fifth). That's not social drinking. (Would it alarm you if you saw that much hard liquor being consumed?)
One sign of alcholism is that they cannot stop drinking, once they have had the first drink. There is some sort of physical/biological thing that happens - the alcohol affects them differently than the rest of us.
My A says that there is nothing wrong with drinking beer, that sometimes he just "drinks too many". Like as if it happens by some mysterious force, or aliens from outerspace took over his body and he's not responsible for it. He seems to think there is some kind of "good" level of drinking beer, but will refuse to contemplate how much is a "good level". If I try to talk about "how many" is "good" I'm accused of nit-picking.
I suspect you will run into the same thing. He will resist putting a number on how many is "cutting back" but will prefer that you trust him to buy a case and only take say, 3 cans out of the package.
But, once anybody drinks 1 can, their thought process is different. The person who said "I'll cut back" is now under the influence of alcohol. And, the alcohol will tell them that cutting back is silly.
P.S. Just another rule of thumb. Health experts say that 2 drinks per day is considered "moderate" drinking for men. For women, it's 1 drink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5
Thanks for all the responses. We just got back from vacation tonight, we had a nice time and I noticed he only had 1 or 2 or none while we were out for dinner. He didn't buy any for the cottage either! My daughter did bring a 6 pack and they split it over 5 days!
He and I had a chance to talk about hs beer drinking yesterday - he brought it up - he made the comment that he usually only drinks when he is stressed and wanted to make sure I noticed he hardly had any all week. I told him I had noticed and was happy being around him when he is alert and himself.
Then we got home...one beer in the fridge so he went to pick up more. I'm back to listening to the tops pop open. I am going to ask about the change before the end of the weekend.
Thanks again!
He and I had a chance to talk about hs beer drinking yesterday - he brought it up - he made the comment that he usually only drinks when he is stressed and wanted to make sure I noticed he hardly had any all week. I told him I had noticed and was happy being around him when he is alert and himself.
Then we got home...one beer in the fridge so he went to pick up more. I'm back to listening to the tops pop open. I am going to ask about the change before the end of the weekend.
Thanks again!
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
(((mag))) Well, I've been there with my late husband. Said he "quit" drinking when he stopped drinking Scotch. Beer wasn't supposed to be booze, I guess. We'll it's BOOZE and it's a sedative all right! As I understand it, as the alcoholic progresses, it takes LESS to get them drunk! I have a big long article I'll read again which explains (in deep terms) about exactly what alcohol does to a person - the progression - finally a WET brain (no brain in there) - eventually death. We're here for you. Keep coming back, it works!
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