Jules62

I'm lost

I couldn’t give a sh*t about the time I have….I'm close to 60 days....the cheers……the day by day crap.

What happens when you just feel overwhelmed?Seriously?What do you do when everything around you falls apart and no matter what you do ‘right’?(you know-do the next right thing etc) doesn’t work and you’re here-staring at your life-sober and wondering WTF you’re going to do because every other option says –just drink it away?You can’t handle real life?

I want to be better than this.I thought I was.I am so close to 60 days sober for the first time in a long time and I feel nothing but lost…WTF?

These past 3 weeks?I could’ve given in every day.I had ‘reasons/excuses’-LOL.The ones I pull other people here up on.I had huge financial worries, my son was driving me mad, my husband was sick and needy and my parents are ailing-in and out of hospital and I’m the person everyone turns to and I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE.I just can’t.

I am desperately hanging on to my sobriety because if I don’t? My entire world will fall apart but I’m wondering now if I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons? Am I just trying to keep the previous staus quo but I just happen to be sober now and feel it more deeply?

I have great support-I’m not isolating and I have people who really do support me in being sober.But I feel like I’ve missed some important piece of the puzzle and I don’t know what it is….

I started going to yoga classes recently and it really helped me feel better in my mind and body.But I’m just overwhelmed by my life lately-too much stress and worry and I’m not handling it well.

Maybe….prickly me?I just need a hug and for someone to tell me it’s normal and I’m going to be okay?

I’m off to cry now-please don’t be mean to me….LOL

Julesxox

crispy77

Oh darlin....I think we are in similar places. If anything, I can say I TOTALLY understand how you feel! hug

crispy77

....and another for good measure! HUGGGGG!

ANGELINA243

The early days of recovery can be a rough ride.....for me the first 90 days was real tough (at times). Those emotions/feelings I had were extreme anger, or sadness.....sometimes overwhelming guilt or self -pity---but those feelings did pass. Ultimately it came down to me wanting to stay sober more than me wanting or thinking about drinking. Drinking was all I knew to do before--I didn't know how to handle/process these emotions SOBER! Plus, I was full of fear--fear of failure...fear of the "unknown". You are not alone! Just hang on and don't give up--you've come so far. Think of the hard work you've put into it. Keep posting--reaching out to others...don't keep those feelings locked inside yourself. It isn't healthy--and crying is ok. I cried too at times. Please cry if you need to instead of picking up a drink. This too shall pass...

DesperateB

My thoughts are with you. In the long run your sobriety will enable you to enjoy the positives in life - a much better way to live than using alcohol to numb the negatives.

Tough times never last, tough people do.

You've done great so far hang in there.

CarolD

I just posted this...please see if it helps you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ook-quote.html

Jules62

I HATE crying.I am not a crier. But I'm just so past caring now. I know 'it will pass' but what do I do in the meantime?I just can't fix everything around me and for so long I tried to keep my world in control.And it's all out of my control now and I don't know what to do.Does this make sense?

I'm terrified.

I think that;s the bottom line.

I'm really, really afraid.

Jules.

Jig

Hang in there mate.

CarolD

DesperateB....Welcome to SR!

scorpiogirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jules62

I'm lost. I couldn’t give a sh*t about the time I have….I'm close to 60 days....the cheers……the day by day crap. you can’t handle real life? and I feel nothing but lost…WTF?

****{Jules}}}!!! I can so relate. I know I have alot of time yet what you wrote was ME totally in my early sobriety. I kept doing the deal, each day and could care less. So why did I keep staying sober when I felt like cr*p? Well, for me, my co-dependency kept me sober. I wanted to fit in and belong so badly, that I just hung on....hating every inch of the way and being negative all the time. I was plagued with deep, deep depression.... It's a miracle I have any time at all -honest! I honestly never thought I would be one of the ones to make it. Made no sense why I kept showing up. But, you are too! And here's why. There's a part of you (I'll call it your Higher Self), that wants to be well. Yup, that simple. Somewhere inside of you, you know that it will get better. Problem is, we just don't get to know when. So, HANG ON! Cry, journal, (I like to call it throw up on paper!), and go to all those nonsensical meetings anyway. Have you checked to see if you're clinically depressed?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jules62

These past 3 weeks, I could’ve given in every day.

But you haven't. See? That's that part of you that wants to get well. It sucks, it really does yet, coming from someone that watched everyone else's life get better (and hating them for it too, I might add) 'cept my own in the beginning, and I felt like there was no hope and why in the world am I doing this anyway....I just hung on til the pieces fell together. In fact, that's how i felt. I felt like a huge 1,000 piece jig-saw puzzle that was broken and splattered all over the place, all the time. I never wanted to be on the planet and thought it was a horrible joke that I was even here. Yup! That was me. I was sure no one else ever felt that way. Are you sharing about it in the meetings and/or with your sponsor?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jules62

I started going to yoga classes recently and it really helped me feel better in my mind and body. But I’m just overwhelmed by my life lately-too much stress and worry and I’m not handling it well.

Funny you should say that (yoga)....I'm a yoga teacher! Now, remember, this is a person that didn't even want to BE on the planet, let alone be sober...I never wanted to talk to people face-to-face (much) and definately not in a crowded room! And now, I teach yoga. It has brought me so much peace and serenity.

And lastly, if your life of care-taking all these people and the stresses are getting to you this deeply, you might want to consider delegating some of this responsibility. If that's not an option, then pray your little heart out for the strength and courage to keep going.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Dee74

Sometimes I guess life is unfair - you try, and you do, and you stress and strain - and you can't get a break. I dunno why. Maybe it's character building crap.

But I know if there's anyone here who can handle real life, it's you - because you already have.

Early recovery sucks. Even when things are going swimmingly it sucks. I felt like a teenager again, gawkish uncoordinated hormonal - and my life was fine. With all that on top, I can only imagine how overwhelming it must be.

But you know the drill - little bites. You can't pay all the bills? Make arrangements for payment plans - yes it sucks but it's better than going mental. Teenage sons husbands and parents? OK I'll get back to you on that LOL - but no seriously - again....make sure their expectations of you are reasonable - I know all your family is adult - they should be able to behave like adults, and take responsibility too.

I'm hoping your reason is because you're worth it and you deserve it - because you do. This is about way more than paying bills and packing lunches - and I think you know that Jules.

Jules - you haven't missed a piece of the puzzle. You're one of the most together people here. But lets face it - fear and worry, for you and for me - are two of our major triggers. We like to feel safe and secure and in control -we like a routine. Take any of those elements away, or even threaten them, and we get antsy.

You're my friend and you're pretty amazing but your not not superwoman - you can't do everything - I'm amazed you do what you do.

You're human and you're allowed to be. It's been a long time since you handled this level of crap without an anaesthetic - it's ok to freak out a bit - we've got you

And I can't believe you asked for a freakin hug but - here it is - big and purple too



You're not alone. You're respected and loved here (LOL no not feared) - use us!

love ya!
D

RK2007

Yes Jules, it does make sense.

Let go just now, don't worry about not being in control. You don't have to be responsible for everybody you know.

I like to think of it like this when I'm in a spot, Jules. Everybody's lives are more or less the same, if you were to line them all up and take off the all the paint and get a real look at the bare bones of them, who really is in control anyway?

I'm damn sure I'm not in control as well.

I doubt anybody ever is, people just roll with the punches every day and maintain a semblance of control. So don't be scared of not being in control, it's perfectly normal.

Re. feeling down - honest, this feeling will pass Jules. I think you should do something out of the ordinary and unexpected, something just for you to give yourself something back. Go and buy something you like or do something nice for yourself. Run outside in your PJ's and throw eggs at your shed. Some kind of release.

By the way - it is normal to feel like you do, and you are going to be alright.

Room1

Hey Jules, I really suck at giving advice but I am pretty good with hugs

I don't know what to suggest to you, if people are being too "needy" and it's more than you can handle right now, I think you have a right to tell them, they are all grown up's right? You deserve to have your own time and be a little needy yourself too I think, so maybe you could talk to some of them and explain how you feel?

I think I probably feel the oposite to you at the moment, you sound overwhelmed I just feel nothing, maybe these are just stages we have to go through and things will get better, all I know is drinking is not going to help either of us, we need to figure out other ways to deal with these feelings, but you know that anyway. I am just rambling really, like I said I am crap with advice so I'll just give you another hug

Sax

RK2007

I can't compete with Dee's purple hug.

Mine is compact, but powerful.

Here's another 2 - only because of the smiley limit otherwise it would be 3.

Aysha

Geez Jules..You know I am right there with you.
But like you said to me.
We wouldnt have even gave it another thought.
So there is progress.
I dont have any good advice. I am stuck too.
But we have each other. And we have another day clean.

Jules62

I cant thank you all enough.I have to go to bed-it's late here.I'll reply more tomorrow-but...thank you.SO much

Julesxox

mxchaos

These feelings won't last forever maybe get outside and take a walk
breathe deep it helps

Rusty Zipper

jules jules for so so long, we tried to change the conditions...

now we have to meet these conditions...

no more director, directing the show...

you will come to understand this jules...

it does take time, more work, and some huge belief, faith and trust...

hugs out jules!

Ananda

Hey Jules...I have been in a similar space for almost a month now. No, you haven't "missed" something. For me the "I don't cares" are the most dangerous place to be and it scares the hell out of me...but I did what you are doing now...I keep doing the best I can at doing the same things that I did before when I didn't feel this way....no matter how hard that is. lot of prayer and meditation...finding people to discuss things with....and on those nights that it was really bad...grabing someone and telling them I want to drink right now.

For me, after 3 weeks it began to get a little better and it gets a little better each day. And I do believe that at some times just not drinking IS enough.

I think that if we don't drink we are going to have times like this .... I had alot more of them when I was drinking

:ghug

Impurrfect

(((Jules)))

Big, big hugs to you.

This may not apply to you, but it's what I went through. I had close to 2 years clean, but was totally stressed out and not happy, so I relapsed for a week. I realized that what I was doing wasn't working and a HUGE part of that was that I was getting all stressed out about friends/family and feeling totally out of control.

I am a big codie (codependent) and had no idea of how much it threatened my recovery. I had to really look at what was MY part of the issues with family/friends and step back (baby steps). I had to accept that people get sick, and I can't cure them (very hard for a former nurse); that people struggled with money, and I couldn't barely keep MY head above water, much less help them out. My niece is 15 and was going through a major anger issue and cussing everyone out (she lives with us). I used to get into arguments with her all the time, but realized that my stepmom (her guardian) allows her behavior and all I could control was how Brit (my niece) talked to ME! I finally told her I loved her but couldn't stand being around her, and I stopped arguing with her....heck, I wouldn't even talk to her. It didn't take a week, until my dad started seeing what I was doing, did the same, and Brit realized that her actions weren't getting her anywhere, and she's done really great.

My dad and stepmom would argue, vent to me (I live at home) and I finally said "you're an adult, and you will have to figure this out. I love you both, but I can't fix this for you".

I was also the one everyone turned to, no matter what the problem. When I started putting me and my recovery first, and let them deal with their own issues, I was amazed at how much calmer my life got.

I have almost 18 months again, but have actually been clean most of 3 years. I'm still struggling with job issues, money issues (all of my own making), legal issues, but I keep focused on what I can do today. I had to learn this by trial and error.

I still have days where I feel totally overwhelmed. I have developed some great friendships here, and I can vent with them. They remind me "don't pick up" and "this, too, shall pass" and some days I want to scream because I KNOW that, but I'm still stressed. So I go back to "what can I do about this today"...most of the time, there's not a darn thing I can do but stay clean, go to work, put one foot in front of the other, and my prayer is simply "help me get through this and do what you want me to do".

Every single time I've gone through this, it DID pass, and many times things turned out better than I could have imagined.

You're a remarkable woman, have been a huge asset to this board, but sometimes we need to come here and vent, whine, cry...reach out.

Sending you big hugs and prayers!

Amy