daisyjen

I need some reassurance or something here... My RAH (sober 19 months) is still controlling and manipulative but doesnt see it. He feels that I have the problem, whatever it may be at that moment. He is constantly nagging at me and if I am not "all over" him, I have to "get over" the past.

A few wkends ago, for example, he thought the shirt I was wearing was too low to wear to church. I disagreed, it was fine. Instead of just dropping it, he kept saying stuff about it till I finally changed to shut him up. Later that week I wore it again and he commented how cute it looked on me.

One early morning, I was working in the garden in a tank top and shorts and he wanted me to change because our 15 yr old son had friends over. They were up late and I knew they wouldnt be up for a few hrs, so no I was not going to change till later. It was hot out! He went on and on about this and steamed over it the whole day. BUT, when one of our sons friends moms came to pick her kid up, RAH was shirtless and went over to the car to talk to her. Umm, excuse me?? Ohhh, it's not the same thing! I see! (NOT!)

If he is "in the mood", he doesnt understand why I cant just give in, for him. Might I add that its like 4 times a week, that I do "give in". I am on anti-depressants now and so what little drive I had before, is GONE!

How come I never text him when I text everyone else? (he has no idea how to do that so maybe that's why!!) Why dont I call him everyday on my lunch hour? (cause I cant stand the nagging and when he goes on and on about his job and I dont understand any of it!)
How come I dont love on him, pour his coffee for him, make his lunch, get up with him on my day off, get his clothes ready for him..... on and on and on...

Did I mention that I work full time and have 3 sons who are active in sports and need help with homework, 3 dogs, 3 cats and a 2000 sq ft house that occasionally requires a little cleaning?

My counselor said that I have to take back my power and I have been trying to work on that. Its difficult when it turns into all of this drama, how I dont forgive him for the past, I am so nonloving, I am sinning, etc. I am just wondering if this will EVER go away? Or am I just so out of touch that I am wrong in this? Sometimes I truly doubt my own sanity when he is around.

Often when he doesnt get his way, he will go into the divorce mode. ( I tell ya, what a blessing that would be, I think sometimes!) He says he doesnt know how much longer he can take this, I will really find out how hard it is without him, I better not think he's gonna cart "my" kids around then! This is the newest, as of last night...What if he dies tomorrow, how will I feel?

Are there any wives of RA's that have been sober for over a year out there? Is it like this?

And yes, we are in counseling. Today's our 3rd session together.

windingroad

hi daisy,
this sounds like my exAH in active addiction. full-on alocoholic personality: resentment, blame, control, anger, self-pity, self-centeredness, threatening behavior. made me feel anxious just reading this!

have you ever read the AA big book? it helped me a lot in learning what recovery really looks and sounds like. your AH does not sound like a RA to me at all;after 19 months, if he is in a 12 step program, his emotional abuse, IMO, should be considerably lessening. it will take awhile, still, for his emotions to level out, but this sounds ongoing rather than sporadic.

the wives of RA's you need to hear from will be here soon. i just want to send you loving support. hang on and don't be isolated by him. an al-anon sponsor or increasing counseling hours could help a lot for now. all the very best for eventual peace of mind.

theotherone

I was thinking the same thing. I could relate to your entire post and my A is still in the denial stage, not even close to recovery. If you still have that at 19 months sober, you have just cemented my reason for not waiting around for sobriety!

I guess everyone's situation is different, so like WR said...stick around, someone with more knowledge and experience will be by soon.

laurie6781

Okay Daisy, first I will put on my Sober Rcovery hat. Yes I have been sober a LONG TIME.

He is still very 'new' to recovery and hopefully will figure out that his pointing the finger at you will not 'fix' him. Then again this may be as good as it gets.

No is a complete sentence when he starts 'demanding' things.

I would also suggest that when he starts the 'divorce' talk, just say "go ahead, it will probably be better for both of us." and WALK AWAY from the conversation.

He is still very much in MANIPULATION MODE. Just because he has 19 months does not make him well. Remember, this may be the best it will ever get.

Now my Alanon hat, also for a very long time, but 3 years to the day less than my recovery date from Alcoholism, lol

This may be the way he will always be, attempting to 'control' you. Now is the time when Alanon and/or counseling is needed more than ever for you 'take back' your space and stand up for you. You are worth so much more, and only you can decide when enough is enough.

I have learned, however, that when we change our actions to another, their actions and reactions to use start to change, usually out of shock, lol

Since you also work, and do all the running for the kids, and the cleaning and washing and, and, and maybe it's time for some new house rules. The "boys" him included now must do their own laundry. The "boys", him included need to learn how to cook meals, in case something happens to you, or when the kids are out on their own, etc

Next time he starts that crap, calmly look him in the eye and say "this is the 21st Century, not the 18th." Then again turn around and walk away. He keeps it up, rather than engage, grab your keys and go for a ride.

He will either get the message that YOU ARE NOT HIS SLAVE, or you may end up having to take other measures for the peace and serenity of you and your children. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, please, please, keep posting, venting, ranting, raving, screaming, crying, and laughing here. Let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Please also keep in mind that sobriety is not A CURE ALL and some relationships make it and some do not.

You deserve better than this.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

justanothrdrunk

Just out of curiosity, your RAH is sober (and that's great), but does he go to meetings, have a sponsor, work the 12 steps, etc.?

denny57

I highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

daisyjen

Ha! Yea I thought all of the manipulation and control would go away with sobriety! Instead, I feel its gotten worse. Maybe because before, I would stay away from him when he started in on me and he'd get the picture and leave me alone for a few days (of peace) and we'd go on like that. I got breaks from it at least. Now, he is a Christian so he tries using that angle and honestly I start doubting myself sometimes. My brain goes blank.

Walking away? Well, he follows me! I have tried sleeping in my sons room and he comes in telling me I am not being fair (huh?) and that I should come to bed. A few months ago, he wanted me to visit his family with him a few hrs away. I was uncomfortable going because of our marital situation and told him to take the boys and go. I would not be going. He started. I ended up leaving at midnight to find a hotel room so I could a get a few hrs peace. The counselors have said the same thing and I try but then I get yelled at by him for walking away and not working things out with him. And most of the time it starts at bedtime. The only time we are alone, so who wants to leave then?

He does help out with chores but expects the kids to do things I dont think they should. Like he leaves all kinds of trash for weeks in the car and tells the kids to clean it out. If it were their trash, or at least some of their trash, I could see it, but its not. He leaves the garbage cans where the dogs will get into it, time after time, and wants the kids to clean up the mess all over the yard. Ok, who left it out for the dogs to get to?? They vacuum, sweep, and put away dishes when they arent involved in sports AND school.

Yes and no to the AA program. He is involved sporadically in a Christian 12 step program. Went once a week for a year, maybe. Tried AA a few times, said it wasnt for him, not spiritual enough. Now with kids in sports, he hasnt gone in a month at all. Says he doesnt NEED to go, he just likes to go. No sponsor. Oh and he wants me to work thru his 12 step book. Says I can benefit from it. Wait, I dont have any addictions...

He says he is sooo in love with me, I am so beautiful, wants to touch me, caress me constantly, he feels like a honeymooner. Um, maybe youre new to this marriage, but Ive been in this marriage for 16 years. I aint no honeymooner!!! Ughh! Makes me wanna run. He doesnt understand why I dont feel the same. He KNOWS he did me wrong for a long time and he KNOWS it will take time for me to heal, but why arent I kissing him passionately??

I know this may just be him. Ive thought about leaving for a long time. In fact, thats when he got sober. He could tell I was done this time. But everyone said to give him a year and I have. He's still sober, outsiders say...
Our oldest says counseling is a waste of time, he will never change. Our 12 yr old told him a few wks ago that he is still just as mean just as when he was drinking. Out of the mouths of babes...