Really WEIRD day...can I vent here without critisism??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Really WEIRD day...can I vent here without critisism??
Wow, what a weird day. My brain is just totally confused & frazzled. I need to vent, clear my head so as to make logical sense out of all of this. Please understand that this is probably pure venting, not thinking too much into things.....just overwhelmed right now with emotions. I really can do without harsh critism.......so PLEASE just help me to figure this all out to **MY** best interest.
Let me start with yesterday. I had a REALLY WEIRD STRONG gut feeling that I should go to the magistrate's office to get a copy of my AXB 2004 police report, which if you remember, includes a warrant currently on him for not showing up for an arraingment hearing. This feeling came way out of the blue........I cannot even imagine WHERE this feeling came from! It just CAME. We had started a file folder last year, when he was wanting to straighten out his life, deal with this warrant, etc. I'm pretty good with legal stuff, and started digging up info & plans. He got scared half way into the process, and backed away. We needed to get a copy of this 2004 police report to find out what his BAC was (in PA, BAC matters alot as to sentencing/this is his 2nd offense in 10 years). He forbid me to going to the magistrate, he was afraid I was opening a can of worms. Anyway, we've been split up for 5 weeks, and yesterday I felt this URGENT gut feeling that I should get this police report NOW. I kept trying to fight this urge, thinking it was "codie"......I even asked God for a "sign" because Alon-On says I should not do such things....mind my OWN business, etc. So this morning, I called his mom and she said "This is the PERFECT TIME......you HONESTLY do not know where he is at if they ask, and if you feel in your gut that you should persue this, then DO IT". So, I figured this was "my sign". Some may think this is rediculous, but I just felt like it was what I needed to do, for whatever reason. Okay...got the police report.......after a very RUDE time at the magistrates.......ugh.....they didn't want to give it to me, then when I told them it was public record & the sherriffs dept advised me to go there to get it.....they finally gave me a copy.
Then, upon reading it, I was REALLY feeling horrible.......his blood alcohol level was .77........the LETHAL level is .50 for a NORMAL human...any normal human would be DEAD at .77.....yet my AXB was DRIVING with a BAC of .77. UGH!!!!! After reading the book "Under The Influence" I understand how an alcoholics body becomes tolerant to higher than lethal doses of alcohol.......but this info on the report just stunned me. It hit me SO hard as to how serious his desease is. If he is able to consume so much more than LETHAL level of alcohol, and still function to drive a car....then he is in SEVERLY bad shape........SICK beyond believe. It breaks my HEART!!!!!! And I was just bummed, thinking negetive....thinking "there is NO hope for this".
Was going through various emotions all evening. Discussed it with his mom, and we were like thinking worst case scenerios like the alcohol was going to eventually kill him, etc. I was just SICK......please understand, I LOVE this guy, and feel SO helpless!!!!!!!!
I kNOW........I didn't casue it, can't CURE it, etc.......but still have these emotions........ugh!!
Then tonight......totally out of the blue, after 5 weeks, he phones me. If you all remember, I phoned him last week, leaving a message on his machine. He didn't call back, so I just chalked it off as he preferred alcohol over me. But it was so odd that he phoned TONIGHT after all this crazy stuff, new legal findings, and severe emotions. I didn't mention the report, I just did not feel it was the right time, it will only scare him away more IF he is "ready" to deal with his warrant. He was vague on the phone, not admitting any faults or anyting, just saying he wasn't happy with his new apt, etc........and saying something about if he could find a ride, he would pick up the stuff he left here this weekend (I'm sure just an "excuse" to test the waters). I'm not sure, but from what I get, life isn't so great for him right now. But he is SO proud, and won't admit it.........he kinda wants me to BEG. URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love the man with my whole heart, feel so sorry for his desease, and yes i am MISSING him BIG TIME!!!!! But I want him to GET HELP. For HIS sake (he already has health issues because of drinking, and virtually NOTHING to show for his life). I can't just turn him away. I just can't do it.
And I'm so unsure, given this new info on the police report, if I dare tell him. If I tell him right now that I did this & what was found (the high BAC level), he'll get super scared and RUN for sure, not wanting to face the warrant/dui!!!! How the heck do I HELP without ENABLING????????
My mind is just spinning.......so sorry if this post doens;'t sound right. I'm having visions of him DYING due to his extreme alcohol addiction & health problems (It's THAT SERIOUS).......yet also knowing that in order for him to ever hit bottom, I need to "let go".........URGH!!!!!!!!!!
Need prayers praYERS prayers, pLEASE!!!!!!!!!
Let me start with yesterday. I had a REALLY WEIRD STRONG gut feeling that I should go to the magistrate's office to get a copy of my AXB 2004 police report, which if you remember, includes a warrant currently on him for not showing up for an arraingment hearing. This feeling came way out of the blue........I cannot even imagine WHERE this feeling came from! It just CAME. We had started a file folder last year, when he was wanting to straighten out his life, deal with this warrant, etc. I'm pretty good with legal stuff, and started digging up info & plans. He got scared half way into the process, and backed away. We needed to get a copy of this 2004 police report to find out what his BAC was (in PA, BAC matters alot as to sentencing/this is his 2nd offense in 10 years). He forbid me to going to the magistrate, he was afraid I was opening a can of worms. Anyway, we've been split up for 5 weeks, and yesterday I felt this URGENT gut feeling that I should get this police report NOW. I kept trying to fight this urge, thinking it was "codie"......I even asked God for a "sign" because Alon-On says I should not do such things....mind my OWN business, etc. So this morning, I called his mom and she said "This is the PERFECT TIME......you HONESTLY do not know where he is at if they ask, and if you feel in your gut that you should persue this, then DO IT". So, I figured this was "my sign". Some may think this is rediculous, but I just felt like it was what I needed to do, for whatever reason. Okay...got the police report.......after a very RUDE time at the magistrates.......ugh.....they didn't want to give it to me, then when I told them it was public record & the sherriffs dept advised me to go there to get it.....they finally gave me a copy.
Then, upon reading it, I was REALLY feeling horrible.......his blood alcohol level was .77........the LETHAL level is .50 for a NORMAL human...any normal human would be DEAD at .77.....yet my AXB was DRIVING with a BAC of .77. UGH!!!!! After reading the book "Under The Influence" I understand how an alcoholics body becomes tolerant to higher than lethal doses of alcohol.......but this info on the report just stunned me. It hit me SO hard as to how serious his desease is. If he is able to consume so much more than LETHAL level of alcohol, and still function to drive a car....then he is in SEVERLY bad shape........SICK beyond believe. It breaks my HEART!!!!!! And I was just bummed, thinking negetive....thinking "there is NO hope for this".
Was going through various emotions all evening. Discussed it with his mom, and we were like thinking worst case scenerios like the alcohol was going to eventually kill him, etc. I was just SICK......please understand, I LOVE this guy, and feel SO helpless!!!!!!!!
I kNOW........I didn't casue it, can't CURE it, etc.......but still have these emotions........ugh!!
Then tonight......totally out of the blue, after 5 weeks, he phones me. If you all remember, I phoned him last week, leaving a message on his machine. He didn't call back, so I just chalked it off as he preferred alcohol over me. But it was so odd that he phoned TONIGHT after all this crazy stuff, new legal findings, and severe emotions. I didn't mention the report, I just did not feel it was the right time, it will only scare him away more IF he is "ready" to deal with his warrant. He was vague on the phone, not admitting any faults or anyting, just saying he wasn't happy with his new apt, etc........and saying something about if he could find a ride, he would pick up the stuff he left here this weekend (I'm sure just an "excuse" to test the waters). I'm not sure, but from what I get, life isn't so great for him right now. But he is SO proud, and won't admit it.........he kinda wants me to BEG. URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love the man with my whole heart, feel so sorry for his desease, and yes i am MISSING him BIG TIME!!!!! But I want him to GET HELP. For HIS sake (he already has health issues because of drinking, and virtually NOTHING to show for his life). I can't just turn him away. I just can't do it.
And I'm so unsure, given this new info on the police report, if I dare tell him. If I tell him right now that I did this & what was found (the high BAC level), he'll get super scared and RUN for sure, not wanting to face the warrant/dui!!!! How the heck do I HELP without ENABLING????????
My mind is just spinning.......so sorry if this post doens;'t sound right. I'm having visions of him DYING due to his extreme alcohol addiction & health problems (It's THAT SERIOUS).......yet also knowing that in order for him to ever hit bottom, I need to "let go".........URGH!!!!!!!!!!
Need prayers praYERS prayers, pLEASE!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
So, what are you looking for? Someone to say "yes, you can save him"? And anything else is criticism? If any of us were powerful enough to save them, this board would not exist.
So, do whatever you feel you need to do...............
L
So, do whatever you feel you need to do...............
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Alcoholism sucks. And it does kill lots of people. Accepting this is a pretty final step in realizing you are powerless over his future. Try to remember that turning his life over to his HP is the right answer, and getting your focus back on you is truly the right path for all of you. Worry, guilt, and awfulyzing about what-ifs accomplish nothing, and totally keep everyone stuck in the same, negative situation. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you absolutely cannot cure it for him. You can take care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
My lord, he may make the Guinness Book of World records:
Meet Terri, She Blew a .72 Blood Alcohol Content, A New Record - Ford Mustang Forums
I would show this link to him, and let him know that you know he was worse than that, and should by all rights be dead. Then tell him to get help, you are not going to watch him kill himself.
If he runs, doesn't run, gets help or goes out again and next time blows a .78, it has nothing to do with you.
Meet Terri, She Blew a .72 Blood Alcohol Content, A New Record - Ford Mustang Forums
I would show this link to him, and let him know that you know he was worse than that, and should by all rights be dead. Then tell him to get help, you are not going to watch him kill himself.
If he runs, doesn't run, gets help or goes out again and next time blows a .78, it has nothing to do with you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
If you truly love this man with all of your heart then love him with all of your heart straight into recovery........knock the guy down with this report that you have and give him the toughest love there is. He is a grown man and believe me he can take it.....any man who blew a .77 can take looking at the report that shows it. Send it to him to his apt. if you can't find the strength to hand it to him in person. He has to keep his side of his road clean and you have to keep yours clean.
Stand strong,
Janitw
Stand strong,
Janitw
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Well, if what you did helps you realize the extent of this very serious and dangerous disease he has, and helps you to detach from it and move on than perhaps your efforts were for the best. If your head is only spinning today from all the drama, and it had little or no impact on the outcome of your life with him, than it was probably an exercise in futility.
Regarding the extremely high BAC and driving subject........ the police should have a limit, just as they have a BAC limit that determines the legal limit to drive, that one has to go straight to jail for several months. For example, if you blow over a .40 or something ridiculous, you are automatically checked out of your life for a long time.
A's who drive like this don't care if they don't have a license or insurance. There's no other way to ensure that they are removed from the streets. And if the penalty is severe right off the bat, perhaps it would serve as a deterrent (okay, doubtful as the electric chair rarely works as a deterrent but does remove the offender from causing further harm to others) and have a small but hopeful chance of forcing sobriety (okay, again doubtful since one has to want sobriety).
Letting these people off on bail or taking away their licenses just isn't good enough.
Hearing that someone was killed by a drunk driver is so common that it's not even shocking anymore. It's common news. I can't even imagine the pain a parent must feel when their kid gets killed by a drunk driver. I can't picture hearing someone tell me that forgiveness is what is best for me. I'd know it to be true, but I'd want to kill the person who consciously drank, then drove and then slaughtered my child.
Drinking and driving just does not have to be related to alcoholism. A person with diabetes may lose his legs. And if he does, would it be acceptable for him to get in his car and attempt to steer and manage the floor pedals with is hands? No, it's just not related. I can't believe how people can be alcoholics and not only destroy their own lives, and the lives of everyone they are related to, but then challenge the lives of complete strangers. That part I just don't get.
Regarding the extremely high BAC and driving subject........ the police should have a limit, just as they have a BAC limit that determines the legal limit to drive, that one has to go straight to jail for several months. For example, if you blow over a .40 or something ridiculous, you are automatically checked out of your life for a long time.
A's who drive like this don't care if they don't have a license or insurance. There's no other way to ensure that they are removed from the streets. And if the penalty is severe right off the bat, perhaps it would serve as a deterrent (okay, doubtful as the electric chair rarely works as a deterrent but does remove the offender from causing further harm to others) and have a small but hopeful chance of forcing sobriety (okay, again doubtful since one has to want sobriety).
Letting these people off on bail or taking away their licenses just isn't good enough.
Hearing that someone was killed by a drunk driver is so common that it's not even shocking anymore. It's common news. I can't even imagine the pain a parent must feel when their kid gets killed by a drunk driver. I can't picture hearing someone tell me that forgiveness is what is best for me. I'd know it to be true, but I'd want to kill the person who consciously drank, then drove and then slaughtered my child.
Drinking and driving just does not have to be related to alcoholism. A person with diabetes may lose his legs. And if he does, would it be acceptable for him to get in his car and attempt to steer and manage the floor pedals with is hands? No, it's just not related. I can't believe how people can be alcoholics and not only destroy their own lives, and the lives of everyone they are related to, but then challenge the lives of complete strangers. That part I just don't get.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by respektingme 
Well, if what you did helps you realize the extent of this very serious and dangerous disease he has, and helps you to detach from it and move on than perhaps your efforts were for the best. If your head is only spinning today from all the drama, and it had little or no impact on the outcome of your life with him, than it was probably an exercise in futility.
Rediscovering myself
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
I'm in a similar situation to you. My AH threatens to kill himself if I leave. I know I can't stop him. I could put myself between him and the bullet, but that's not the best thing for my daughter and me. The only thing I can control is my enablement. I *hope* (I don't expect, but hope for my daughter's sake) that without my enablement he hits rock bottom and turns himself around. My daughter deserves a sober dad.
If he doesn't turn around and hurts himself, and I'm detached from him, DD and I will be spared the grief of experiencing his downfall first hand.
So, detachment is the safe place for us... the best I can do. Either way DD and I are ok. Enabling doesn't work. We can all attest to that, and truly that's one of the few things (regarding our A's) that we have control over.
It's a crappy place to be, but you just have to come to terms with it.
If he doesn't turn around and hurts himself, and I'm detached from him, DD and I will be spared the grief of experiencing his downfall first hand.
So, detachment is the safe place for us... the best I can do. Either way DD and I are ok. Enabling doesn't work. We can all attest to that, and truly that's one of the few things (regarding our A's) that we have control over.
It's a crappy place to be, but you just have to come to terms with it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Thank you all for the kind replies. Yes, as many mentioned, it was mostly my emotions posting last night. I really appreciate you all listening, as I know we have all been in similar situations.
Yes, he just may have made the Guiness Book......my 25 year old daughter found that info on the internet last night, at first we thought it may have been a typo on the report...lol....so she started searching the internet.....she couldn't find the record for our state, but he beat the record for many other states. Wow.....what a way to set a record, huh?
For now, I'm just thinking everything through, letting it process in my brain.....ugh.
Yes, he just may have made the Guiness Book......my 25 year old daughter found that info on the internet last night, at first we thought it may have been a typo on the report...lol....so she started searching the internet.....she couldn't find the record for our state, but he beat the record for many other states. Wow.....what a way to set a record, huh?
For now, I'm just thinking everything through, letting it process in my brain.....ugh.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
I want to share with you something that I have to use myself to get me through some things.
You have to stay focused on the here and now. If you spend too much time looking back, it's not going to help you at all with what you need to do today. Think of it this way, if you are driving a car and you spend all your time looking in the rear view mirror, what will happen? You will crash. Spending too much time looking into the past and dwelling on it will cause you to crash. Focus on now. Focus on today and what you need to do to get through this day.
You have to stay focused on the here and now. If you spend too much time looking back, it's not going to help you at all with what you need to do today. Think of it this way, if you are driving a car and you spend all your time looking in the rear view mirror, what will happen? You will crash. Spending too much time looking into the past and dwelling on it will cause you to crash. Focus on now. Focus on today and what you need to do to get through this day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 207
Thank you......I know I should work on the here & now. Work on mYSELF for TODAY. I AM doing so. But the obvious FACT in my life is.......SOMETHING will happen in the future with HIM also. I have NO idea WHAT, but I KNOW the "fat lady" isn't SINGING yet. Regardless of anything, he IS still an alcoholic. A blood test of .77 is NO JOKE.....it beats RECORDS. He will either get so abd off , God will bring him to terms, or he will DIE..........is eventually going to come of this. THE MAN IS **SICK** I am probably the ONLY person he has contact with.....he blames his mom for breaking us up, so will not contact her. He phoned me last night, apparently his life is not going so well.......SO, I anticipate more happening in the future. Can I encourage him to seek re-hab?? Still pray for him?? I HOPE SO. But if NOT, then what did I REALLY LOSE???? GOD knows I TRIED.......I will be REWARDED someday. Alon-On taught me that I don't need to hold onto resentment, hatred, hurts, etc. So how can ANY of you tell me that I am WRONG....what RIGHT do ANY f myou HAVE????????..
I have been praying MY HEART OUT for him to REALIZE, and get HELP. Are ANY of you GOD???????? You all need to cinsider whether you are GREATER than GOD.........Honestly.......GOD can DO what man cannot do.......and what the people on this board ASSUME (assume....makes an ASS out of U and ME) can't be done. Excuse me, but MY bible says, with the faith of a MUSTARD SEED (quite small) , a mountain CAN be moved. I'm not looking through a rear view mirror.........I'm focusing on FAITH.......that GOD can do what we cannot SEE with even headlights full beam ahead!!!!! If I want to believe in a person recovering from this crazy desease......then so be it......it is MY PEROGATIVE.......nobody elses, certainly NOBODY on a website what I never met!!! NONE OF US HAVE EVER **MET** God. So we do not** REALLY ** understand.......
Sorry if **I** am now being harsh.......but you all need a huge WAKE UP CALL. Life is about LOVE. The more LOVE we throw out, the MORE will come BACK. MANY alcoholics DO recover & turn around!!!!!!! I am SO TIRED of this board and their negetivity.....URGH !!!!!
Life is about LOVE. Myabe if some of YOU tried showing COMPASSION, instead of your sorry butt WHY do I think I found FRIENDS here......when actually you all are a bunch of hard nose people, condemning others because they have an alcohol desease or in love with people who have this desease. It IS a REAL DESEASE......nobody KNOWS how God views people with this desease!!! I highly doubt that they are automatically **banned** from God's love.....from what I've read, they don't even realize what the are doing to us. SO......all you high mighty people, who think you have all the answers........are you 100% SURE that YOU are living in correct Godly principle??? URGH,,,,,,I doubt it........NONE of us really KNOWS!!!!!
And how can ANYONE tell another what is best for them???????????? To LEAVE or not?????? You peple all encourage newcomers to LEAVE.................like as if the alcoholic IS the problme......get yourself away & you will be fine...when actually it is a real DESEASE!!!!!! I just WONDER........if the desease was cancer, altimers........would you all still give the same ADVISE????? URGH!!!!!! IF SO, then you ALL need to read the book "Under the Influence"........get a freaking wake up call as to what these people are REALLY going through.........THEN come back and give "focus on ME"
opinions.........URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Again......thank you so much for all the people who reponeded with gresat advise, and please the people with the negetive advise, just GO AWAY.
Thanbk you all for letting me speak me opinions!!!!!!
I have been praying MY HEART OUT for him to REALIZE, and get HELP. Are ANY of you GOD???????? You all need to cinsider whether you are GREATER than GOD.........Honestly.......GOD can DO what man cannot do.......and what the people on this board ASSUME (assume....makes an ASS out of U and ME) can't be done. Excuse me, but MY bible says, with the faith of a MUSTARD SEED (quite small) , a mountain CAN be moved. I'm not looking through a rear view mirror.........I'm focusing on FAITH.......that GOD can do what we cannot SEE with even headlights full beam ahead!!!!! If I want to believe in a person recovering from this crazy desease......then so be it......it is MY PEROGATIVE.......nobody elses, certainly NOBODY on a website what I never met!!! NONE OF US HAVE EVER **MET** God. So we do not** REALLY ** understand.......
Sorry if **I** am now being harsh.......but you all need a huge WAKE UP CALL. Life is about LOVE. The more LOVE we throw out, the MORE will come BACK. MANY alcoholics DO recover & turn around!!!!!!! I am SO TIRED of this board and their negetivity.....URGH !!!!!
Life is about LOVE. Myabe if some of YOU tried showing COMPASSION, instead of your sorry butt WHY do I think I found FRIENDS here......when actually you all are a bunch of hard nose people, condemning others because they have an alcohol desease or in love with people who have this desease. It IS a REAL DESEASE......nobody KNOWS how God views people with this desease!!! I highly doubt that they are automatically **banned** from God's love.....from what I've read, they don't even realize what the are doing to us. SO......all you high mighty people, who think you have all the answers........are you 100% SURE that YOU are living in correct Godly principle??? URGH,,,,,,I doubt it........NONE of us really KNOWS!!!!!And how can ANYONE tell another what is best for them???????????? To LEAVE or not?????? You peple all encourage newcomers to LEAVE.................like as if the alcoholic IS the problme......get yourself away & you will be fine...when actually it is a real DESEASE!!!!!! I just WONDER........if the desease was cancer, altimers........would you all still give the same ADVISE????? URGH!!!!!! IF SO, then you ALL need to read the book "Under the Influence"........get a freaking wake up call as to what these people are REALLY going through.........THEN come back and give "focus on ME"
opinions.........URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Again......thank you so much for all the people who reponeded with gresat advise, and please the people with the negetive advise, just GO AWAY.
Thanbk you all for letting me speak me opinions!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
My suggestion is that you read and reread and reread again the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous chapter to wives. 85% of partners whose wives/husbands etc follow those instructions end up seeking help in AA. People can and do recover from this disease.
Even if, after you have followed the instructions, he doesn't want to get help, that chapter will allow you some peace of mind which you absolutely deserve to have.
Even if, after you have followed the instructions, he doesn't want to get help, that chapter will allow you some peace of mind which you absolutely deserve to have.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Anubus)))
I was where you are 26 years ago...madly in love with an alcoholic, although mine was pretty darn functional. I was 21, and I stayed committed to him for 20 years...even though he wasn't committed to me.
My friends/family told me much of the same things you are getting from the people here. I didn't want to hear it. I even read books about codependency, but didn't DO anything about my behaviors.
Unfortunately, for me, my stress over this relationship helped me into my own descent into addiction hell. I left him, and my next 2 relationships were with addicts.
I am not going to judge you, or say you will follow the same path. I'm simply saying I understand what you're going through.
However, with my recoveries (addiction AND codependency) I've found enough strength to realize that no matter HOW much I love someone, I cannot make them do something they don't want to do.
Yes, God does wonderful things. I had a LOT of people praying for me when I was using, but I didn't quit until I was ready..and that involved being locked up for 6 months and giving up my nursing license.
I see you getting angry at people who are trying to help, but I also understand that...been there, done that. I lost a dear friend, who tried to help, but I was so stubborn and stuck on fixing our relationship, she had to detach from me. She died, at a very young age, a couple of years later and I can't go back and tell her how much she meant to me.
If you aren't ready to give up on this relationship, then you're not ready. Accept your decision. When I finally did this, I had to learn to accept the consequences. I could no longer blame him, God, or anyone else for anything I accepted.
I am almost 47 years old, and am, just now, realizing MY part in the 3 relationships I've had. I have a strong faith in God, and realize that he was letting me learn lessons in what I DON'T want, to be more clear in what I DO want.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was where you are 26 years ago...madly in love with an alcoholic, although mine was pretty darn functional. I was 21, and I stayed committed to him for 20 years...even though he wasn't committed to me.
My friends/family told me much of the same things you are getting from the people here. I didn't want to hear it. I even read books about codependency, but didn't DO anything about my behaviors.
Unfortunately, for me, my stress over this relationship helped me into my own descent into addiction hell. I left him, and my next 2 relationships were with addicts.
I am not going to judge you, or say you will follow the same path. I'm simply saying I understand what you're going through.
However, with my recoveries (addiction AND codependency) I've found enough strength to realize that no matter HOW much I love someone, I cannot make them do something they don't want to do.
Yes, God does wonderful things. I had a LOT of people praying for me when I was using, but I didn't quit until I was ready..and that involved being locked up for 6 months and giving up my nursing license.
I see you getting angry at people who are trying to help, but I also understand that...been there, done that. I lost a dear friend, who tried to help, but I was so stubborn and stuck on fixing our relationship, she had to detach from me. She died, at a very young age, a couple of years later and I can't go back and tell her how much she meant to me.
If you aren't ready to give up on this relationship, then you're not ready. Accept your decision. When I finally did this, I had to learn to accept the consequences. I could no longer blame him, God, or anyone else for anything I accepted.
I am almost 47 years old, and am, just now, realizing MY part in the 3 relationships I've had. I have a strong faith in God, and realize that he was letting me learn lessons in what I DON'T want, to be more clear in what I DO want.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I agree life is about love. I also agree that many alcoholics do recover.
Where my thinking was off was in MY ideas about what love is. And in thinking that I somehow had the power to get someone to recover. And if I hadn't focused on me, I wouldn't have figured out how my beliefs and behaviors were causing me to live my life in pain, and miss out on the love.
I, too, used to get angry at people who were happy. It was so unfair to me that they could be happy when I was in so much pain. It was a tough thing to find out that I was the one responsible for the pain I was in.
L
Where my thinking was off was in MY ideas about what love is. And in thinking that I somehow had the power to get someone to recover. And if I hadn't focused on me, I wouldn't have figured out how my beliefs and behaviors were causing me to live my life in pain, and miss out on the love.
I, too, used to get angry at people who were happy. It was so unfair to me that they could be happy when I was in so much pain. It was a tough thing to find out that I was the one responsible for the pain I was in.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
anabus,
I can visually see the level of hostility in your post. No doubt it's coming from some serious pain in you.
Have you ever heard reports about how stress can shave years off your life? Stress can lead to heart attacks, strokes, lowered immune systems and cancer. And guess what? 3 years ago I had cancer. I was 38. I had a very rare type of cancer. A nurse friend of mine says she's convinced my stress level for several years contributed to it. Think any of my stress helped my AH stop drinking? Think my cancer, my time of need, stopped him? Heck no, he drank double-time when I was in the hospital.
Absolutely everything everyone has said here may sound callous to you, but it is all directed in trying to get you to stop sacrificing your life, your happiness, your health and your sanity because your AXB chooses not to get sober. Think about how much energy, time and sanity you are exhausting on him and his drinking. Has it changed him any? How many more wrinkles do you have now? How much are you concerned about you, your future and that of your child(ren)? Do you live in the present and enjoy every day of our very short existences on earth, or are you spending every day crying on your hands and knees praying that God will stop him from drinking?
Do you see that your life is passing away in front of your own eyes? And what will happen if you ABX does kill himself in about 5 years. What will you think then? Will you be glad you sacrificed 5 more years of sanity and happiness when he never stopped drinking and now is dead? And what will you have? A funeral to plan? THAT will be your reward?
Now, if everyone here only has you ticked off because they want you to do what is best for you and yours by taking care of YOU, then you should also consider the damage you are doing to your XAB. You are enabling. Haven't you ever heard that addicts need to hit rock bottom? Do you think he's any different? As long as he has you routing for him, and holding his hand to help prevent him from feeling the weight of his very poor decisions, than he's even less likely to stop. The best thing you could do right now is exactly what his mother is doing.... FOR HIS SAKE. Stop softening his consequences for him. Let him experience them. That's his best chance for recovery. Otherwise, you are hindering his recovery and making life miserable for yourself. Seems difficult doesn't it? I know how bad you want to be there for him. You can't fix him. But you can waste your life trying. And that is what everyone wants you to see. Please try to be conscious of how much time, precious time, you are exhausting worrying about him or trying to fix him. That is time you aren't spending doing things that will lead to your sanity. Can you really afford it? And what do you stand to gain from it?
I can visually see the level of hostility in your post. No doubt it's coming from some serious pain in you.
Have you ever heard reports about how stress can shave years off your life? Stress can lead to heart attacks, strokes, lowered immune systems and cancer. And guess what? 3 years ago I had cancer. I was 38. I had a very rare type of cancer. A nurse friend of mine says she's convinced my stress level for several years contributed to it. Think any of my stress helped my AH stop drinking? Think my cancer, my time of need, stopped him? Heck no, he drank double-time when I was in the hospital.
Absolutely everything everyone has said here may sound callous to you, but it is all directed in trying to get you to stop sacrificing your life, your happiness, your health and your sanity because your AXB chooses not to get sober. Think about how much energy, time and sanity you are exhausting on him and his drinking. Has it changed him any? How many more wrinkles do you have now? How much are you concerned about you, your future and that of your child(ren)? Do you live in the present and enjoy every day of our very short existences on earth, or are you spending every day crying on your hands and knees praying that God will stop him from drinking?
Do you see that your life is passing away in front of your own eyes? And what will happen if you ABX does kill himself in about 5 years. What will you think then? Will you be glad you sacrificed 5 more years of sanity and happiness when he never stopped drinking and now is dead? And what will you have? A funeral to plan? THAT will be your reward?
Now, if everyone here only has you ticked off because they want you to do what is best for you and yours by taking care of YOU, then you should also consider the damage you are doing to your XAB. You are enabling. Haven't you ever heard that addicts need to hit rock bottom? Do you think he's any different? As long as he has you routing for him, and holding his hand to help prevent him from feeling the weight of his very poor decisions, than he's even less likely to stop. The best thing you could do right now is exactly what his mother is doing.... FOR HIS SAKE. Stop softening his consequences for him. Let him experience them. That's his best chance for recovery. Otherwise, you are hindering his recovery and making life miserable for yourself. Seems difficult doesn't it? I know how bad you want to be there for him. You can't fix him. But you can waste your life trying. And that is what everyone wants you to see. Please try to be conscious of how much time, precious time, you are exhausting worrying about him or trying to fix him. That is time you aren't spending doing things that will lead to your sanity. Can you really afford it? And what do you stand to gain from it?
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I've learned as a member of this forum that addicts use various things that allow them to avoid living in reality, blame their troubles on others, and avoid taking responsibility for their choices and actions. Alcoholics turn to alcohol, drug addicts turn to drugs, gamblers turn to gambling, and co-dependents dabble in magical thinking.
Magical thinking can take many forms:
- Believing one holds the power to change another
- Believing in fairy tale romance, love at first sight, everlasting love, and dreams of happily ever after
- Believing that the world would be a better place if everyone behaved in a certain way
But one of the most disturbing forms of magical thinking is to choose to take no action and rely on God or a Higher Power to come to your rescue and do all the work.
People often arrive on this forum hoping upon hope that others here also dabble in magical thinking and when all the responses aren't in line with their way of thinking or some responders challenge them to seek the truth, they lash out at the members of this forum.
This is no way to treat people who have offered their time, experience, strength, and hope in order to help a stranger. Obviously, I don't know everything, but I do know this:
In order to change my life and find true happiness, I needed to state my problem, then close my mouth, stop being defensive, and open my eyes. Like anything in life, people get out of this forum what they put into it. It can be a wonderful, life-changing place to park for a while or it can be a place of name calling, frustration, and futility.
The choice is yours.
Magical thinking can take many forms:
- Believing one holds the power to change another
- Believing in fairy tale romance, love at first sight, everlasting love, and dreams of happily ever after
- Believing that the world would be a better place if everyone behaved in a certain way
But one of the most disturbing forms of magical thinking is to choose to take no action and rely on God or a Higher Power to come to your rescue and do all the work.
People often arrive on this forum hoping upon hope that others here also dabble in magical thinking and when all the responses aren't in line with their way of thinking or some responders challenge them to seek the truth, they lash out at the members of this forum.
This is no way to treat people who have offered their time, experience, strength, and hope in order to help a stranger. Obviously, I don't know everything, but I do know this:
In order to change my life and find true happiness, I needed to state my problem, then close my mouth, stop being defensive, and open my eyes. Like anything in life, people get out of this forum what they put into it. It can be a wonderful, life-changing place to park for a while or it can be a place of name calling, frustration, and futility.
The choice is yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
OK, I thought I had missed something so I went back and reread this thread. Must have read it a slightly different way than you did. Nowhere did I see anyone say you were wrong! You were offered prayers and told that whatever you did was YOUR choice.
Your right in that this is a disease, and I think that all of us here know this either having had it ourselves or living with a loved one with it. It is a disease of the body and the mind and without treatment, just like cancer it grows bigger every day.
Having faith, beliving in GOD, loving someone, all of these are good things but your faith your belief and your love will not heal this person if he doesn't want help.
I could say much more but don't want you to get mor angry, so I'll leave with my little bit of ESH.
I was married to an A, he had drank for over 30 years, he didn't want to stop. He died June 30th.
Linda:praying
Your right in that this is a disease, and I think that all of us here know this either having had it ourselves or living with a loved one with it. It is a disease of the body and the mind and without treatment, just like cancer it grows bigger every day.
Having faith, beliving in GOD, loving someone, all of these are good things but your faith your belief and your love will not heal this person if he doesn't want help.
I could say much more but don't want you to get mor angry, so I'll leave with my little bit of ESH.
I was married to an A, he had drank for over 30 years, he didn't want to stop. He died June 30th.
Linda:praying
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