I just walked away
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I just walked away
My insane AD begged me for help. By the time she showed up today (with a guy pal who was a 'trick' and is now a 'friend'), all she wanted to do was get a ride from one of us back to Newark and "can you just give me $20 and i'll go to any rehab you want?" there was plenty of suicidal talk so I said i'd take her to a psych ER. She said, "Yes, but I want to go to the ER at UMDNJ "(A hospital in - yes you guess it - Newark!). I refused. she actually started grabbing loose change out of a change jar in my home. I told her to put it back or I would call the cops. She put it back. I offered to take her to a meeting, she said "Screw your NA meetings and your NA friends." She demanded a ride to Newark than gave a detailed rundown of what I would do for her next. I said, "You asked me for help. I'm offering it, on my terms, not yours." When she replied with an expletive, I threw her suitcase out the door and her after it (figuratively), got in the car and left to go to MY meeting. I neither screamed nor cried.
Later she called and said the rehab she had left last week refuses to take her back so she is calling other places. I said that was good, to let me know if she found a place and I'd let her know if I was available to take her.
My mom decided she would pay for treatment one more time.
I am so proud of myself. I was manipulation-proof. I think the reason is that I really finally believe that I am powerless and that its God's battle to win, not mine. If there is nothing I can do to make her get clean, then she can't manipulate me with promises to go into treatment if I only give her $,etc. I think she was really confused by me today.
My husband thinks all this talk of suicide and wanting to go into treament every other week only to walk out of treatment is about not wanting to live with her abusive BF anymore. I think its OK if it is, because its all part of the bottoming out and surrending process. She clearly is miserable with her life and that a good thing. What is even better is i am done with doing anything for her, including helping her go into treament, on HER terms. I will do only what I want to do for her, in my way and on my terms, and only if and when I feel like it!!
Later she called and said the rehab she had left last week refuses to take her back so she is calling other places. I said that was good, to let me know if she found a place and I'd let her know if I was available to take her.
My mom decided she would pay for treatment one more time.
I am so proud of myself. I was manipulation-proof. I think the reason is that I really finally believe that I am powerless and that its God's battle to win, not mine. If there is nothing I can do to make her get clean, then she can't manipulate me with promises to go into treatment if I only give her $,etc. I think she was really confused by me today.
My husband thinks all this talk of suicide and wanting to go into treament every other week only to walk out of treatment is about not wanting to live with her abusive BF anymore. I think its OK if it is, because its all part of the bottoming out and surrending process. She clearly is miserable with her life and that a good thing. What is even better is i am done with doing anything for her, including helping her go into treament, on HER terms. I will do only what I want to do for her, in my way and on my terms, and only if and when I feel like it!!
((( SG )))
I remember times when my head told me I was doing well with setting and maintaining boundaries etc. It still hurt my heart to know that my child was continuing to make bad choices.
I'm so glad you were able to stick to your boundaries AND get to your meeting. I tend to step up my attendance at meetings when things start twirling in my world.
Mom hugs
Cats
I remember times when my head told me I was doing well with setting and maintaining boundaries etc. It still hurt my heart to know that my child was continuing to make bad choices.
I'm so glad you were able to stick to your boundaries AND get to your meeting. I tend to step up my attendance at meetings when things start twirling in my world.
Mom hugs
Cats
I agree, that was really hard and you handled it with love and dignity. Just think of it as helping her to be willing to get better. This addiction stuff truly is life's biggest test of us moms. Hugs and prayers for your daughter to surrender and for peace for you. Marle
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 50
Awesome stuff mom! Good for you. Stay strong and keep using your tools. I know how hard it is when facing the manipulation. They are masters of manipulation. But you are right, if she doesn't hit her "bottom" she will never get better and more importantly you will just enable, thus you will never get better.
Major kudos to you.
Major kudos to you.
Just think of it as helping her to be willing to get better.
I'm sure this was hard, Sleepy but you handled it very well. Hugs
I am so proud of myself. I was manipulation-proof. I think the reason is that I really finally believe that I am powerless and that its God's battle to win, not mine.
I feel anytime I've had a round from my AD and at the end I feel proud of my reactions to it I've made such a huge step forward. I sometimes feel like I'm the one who is finally growing up and taking on my own responsibilites and it feels wonderful.
Great job.
I feel anytime I've had a round from my AD and at the end I feel proud of my reactions to it I've made such a huge step forward. I sometimes feel like I'm the one who is finally growing up and taking on my own responsibilites and it feels wonderful.
Great job.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Oh, I remember these days so clearly - and how scared I was to stick to my boundaries. But everytime I did it, I felt better about me - and it was easier the next time.
In the long run, I was doing my ASs a favor, but not buying into their "stuff", not allowing them to guilt me or manipulate me or use self pity (their usual weapons) or threaten me - but basically making them responsible for their decisions and their actions.
Give yourself a hug - I'm proud of you!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
In the long run, I was doing my ASs a favor, but not buying into their "stuff", not allowing them to guilt me or manipulate me or use self pity (their usual weapons) or threaten me - but basically making them responsible for their decisions and their actions.
Give yourself a hug - I'm proud of you!
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I am so proud of myself. I was manipulation-proof. I think the reason is that I really finally believe that I am powerless and that its God's battle to win, not mine. If there is nothing I can do to make her get clean, then she can't manipulate me with promises to go into treatment if I only give her $,etc. I think she was really confused by me today.
I will do only what I want to do for her, in my way and on my terms, and only if and when I feel like it!!
I will do only what I want to do for her, in my way and on my terms, and only if and when I feel like it!!
I can feel your strength and relief from here...strength and relief that comes, from *really* handing it over, complete surrender, as you have just done...our reward for stepping aside and letting HP do what must be done..and you should be proudfor a job well done!
hugs and prayers for you both, grateful
Way to go, Sleepy!!!
I think you did a terrific job at sticking to your boundaries. I'm sure she IS confused, but that's a good thing...it shows you are making changes in the right direction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I think you did a terrific job at sticking to your boundaries. I'm sure she IS confused, but that's a good thing...it shows you are making changes in the right direction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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