catecicc

Not that I don’t enjoy all of the warm wishes and support that comes with this place, I really had hoped to never be back. Needless to say that one hasn’t worked out for me as well as I had planned.

Here’s a little background information, I moved to Massachusetts about a year ago to live with my boyfriend. I had known prior to our moving in together that he was an occasional cocaine user to only find out afterwards that despite his (to this day!) never admitting it, is an addict.

Over this past year we have had some tremendous ups and downs. Much of it is going to take many counseling sessions and Melody Beattie to get past. He would have small bits of sobriety then relapse. It wasn’t until about a month ago that I got the first admission of a problem. He finally came to me and admitted that he couldn’t control it. Since then he has taken the appropriate steps to fight for sobriety and I wish him all the best.

I am still troubled by a few things and would appreciate the input of some more ‘seasoned veterans’. First, his friends: It makes me sick to my stomach that it took me until now to realize that he is surrounds by drug abusers. It is absolutely disgusting. As this year has gone by I have developed quite a distaste for anything pertaining to that world. There are people he hangs out with that I cannot even stand to be in the same room with any longer. (I wear every emotion I am feeling on my face so it isn’t rocket science to see when I am LIVID) I just don’t know what to do to make him realize how toxic these relationships are to him and his sobriety other that to sit back and watch them self-destruct. Many of them are on their own, I just wish they would do it a lot faster! I feel horrible when these people let him down and all I am feeling inside is smug. He is the only person I have ever met that wears his heart more openly on his sleeve than I do and the last thing he needs while trying to stay sober is to be even more fragile, but I feel like he needs to see this.

Second, my distrust: I hate it! When do you finally let go of the skepticism and the impending doom of waiting for them to fail? When do I stop panicking every time I don’t hear from him during the day? When do I get a normal night’s sleep when he goes out with his friends? When do I learn how to exhale again? I know these questions cannot be answered, but I just needed to voice it. I still struggle so much with the trust issue and still hope that it is something I can overcome.

Thank you for listening to my tirade!

Ann

Welcome back to SR. Sometimes, for me, going through the dark times is exactly what I needed in order to see and appreciate the light.

I'm sorry for your pain, it's hard to accept that anyone we love is struggling with addiction. The hardest part is taking care of ourselves and finding our own light, even though they still struggle in the darkness.

I learned that I cannot drag anyone else out of their darkness, but that living in darkness with them is really living in darkness alone and that it serves no purpose, for them or for me.

I hope that you find some light here, and until you do please know that we're sharing our light with you and walking beside you all the way.

Hugs

JMFburns

((catecicc))

Welcome back to SR, we're all here whenever the need arises.

So many questions that I know I have had and still have, it is only when focusing on myself that I can begin to let go of the questions about my son and answer the questions about myself. If you can, check out Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings in your area.

catecicc

Thank you both so much for responding. Add insult to injury at the moment and I am in the process of moving however I have already taken your advice, JMFburns and looked up a meeting schedule in my new town. I hope between that and searching out a counselor (I have some personal issues to work on outside of this), I can work on my own recovery and strength.

Thank you for your welcomes, I am happy (in a way) to be back.

Troubledone

catecicc

Welcome back. I'm coming in a little late, but wanted to weigh in.

My addict is my niece and I too am disgusted by her so-called friends. All I can say is that I finally told my niece, I love you, I can't stand your friends, so don't bring them around, period. I realize this may cost me my relationship with her, but I am tired of having the negative (it feels evil to me) cloud enter my house that follows them around, not to mention my concern about what else they bring into my home. If they were all in active recovery, that might be different, but I'd have to see a LOT of proof.

So - how disgusted are you with his friends? You do have the power to set a boundary about this if you choose. Going to meetings is a great idea because if you're not ready for this, they can help you sort out what's going on within you.

In terms of trust. I will trust my neice again when she gives me a reason to. That means consistent, healthy behavior. I have my own definition of that, you may have your own. In my opinion, when someone lies to me consistently over a long period of time, it is not up to me to trust them, it is up to them to regain my trust. I gave my neice the benefit of the doubt numerous times and each time she violated it. Now, I require more.

I don't have to like her friends to love her. I don't have to trust her to love her. But I will protect my own well being and sanity by setting boundaries. I know it must be much harder with a boyfriend or husband. At the same time, I think the concepts are the same.

Prayers that you find the support you need to sort all this out for yourself.

catecicc

Troubledone,

Amen sister, you hit the nail on the head. I have started with my boundaries and for once they are hitting home for him. Prime example....2 weeks ago my BF was asked to play (he's a DJ) for a friend of someone he has used with in the past and asked me to accompany him. I declined. He asked why and my only response was, "you know why". I had a nice night to myself and he came home and apologized. 2 days later he and I had made plans to go to the beach and he then tells me that another friend that I disapprove of is going to come along as well. I told him to have a great time and I wasn't coming along. He phoned the kid back and told him plans had changed.

I don't want him to make excuses to these people because of me, but I want him to see that they are not going to be a part of MY life.