strongerwoman

Hey everyone,

I have a question.
Its been a month of AH not drinking (as far as I know since we live apart).

Which is great for him I guess. Although I am suspicious that he's smoking pot still/again.

We're supposed to be working on things, supposed to be going in the direction of getting back together.

I'm just not feeling it and I go around and around in my mind on whether I am being too demanding or putting too much pressure on him as he claims.

A month ago and then two weeks ago, when we were discussing things, I was told he would call and set us up for counseling, that he would get himself into an outpatient program or at least addictions counseling, there is a "list" that I have of things I need him to do for me to begin to build trust in him again, for me to see that he is serious about fixing things. (and he acts resentful about that list)

None of these things has happened. Surprise, surprise!
I fully expected this, but as I do all of the time, I question myself and my feelings.

I really dont feel I am pressuring him. I am trying to silently sit back an wait on him to be motivated enough to start making any progress other than not drinking.
(which, I know is huge progress - but there is so much more that needs to be addressed and worked through - NOT that I expect it to all happen so soon and all at once, but a glimmer of hope, a bit of progress in some area in our relationship would be refreshing).

I dont even know how to say what I'm feeling without it all coming out wrong - I guess while I feel that him not drinking (even though I think he's smoking pot) is great progress, I'm not feeling that he's doing anything else. And I'm back to feeling pretty hopeless about a future with AH.

I'm not seeing any action on his part to work on our relationship. All he does now is work, eat and veg out in front of cable TV, and sleep a lot. When we are together, there is hardly any conversation, mostly long silences when I would LOVE to talk about "us," which he seems to totally avoid doing.

I want to hear what his plan is about fixing anything that is wrong.

He says he's doing the best he can, which has been his mantra for forever and to which I want to scream "********, you are not doing the best you can! you aren't really doing anything!"

Logically my head is telling me that he is sooooo not ready to work on our issues and the not drinking is only going to last for a while since he's not getting any support other than once a week, hour long AA meetings.Plus I found out that he has been in contact with his main drinking/drugging best friend and was out at his house last weekend too.
Logically my head is telling me that I am so totally losing at a losing game and should just call it quits and get on with my life.

But then I think maybe I AM being to demanding, expecting too much too soon. But crap, a little bit of some kind of progress to give me a little hope would be great!
Its even harder to work on any of our issues because of the no trust issue and us living apart, how are we to work on things and how is he supposed to prove he is acting trustworthy if we are living apart? I dont know what he's doing and when....

I feel strung along and like if I hang in there for another year, I'd still be writing the same thing.

On the issue of ME: I am being considered for a nursing job that fits me single mom schedule, but its a state job and the hiring process routinely tkae up to 4 weeks! Praying hard for this job to come through ASAP.

Starting fulltime classes up again on Monday as part of the continuing journey of becoming an RN (am a new LPN now).

Oldest daughter is leaving for college on Friday morning.

Still trying not to get evicted, my landlord has really been a very patient blessing to me, but he made it clear that I need to pay up or get out and I need to let him know asap.

I can totally pay him off when I get my student loans the third week of Sept, so thats my only solution, but am scared to propose this to him!

Still going to my al-anon meetings.
Waiting to hear about the job and the hours before I get started in private counseling.

Anyhow, hope you all are okay. I really am about ready to just let this marriage go, as painful as it is.

hadenoughnow

Glad to see you back here!

HE said he would setup counseling and hasn't

HE would get himself into an outpatient program or at least addictions counseling

HE hasn't

The "pressure" is that you have changed and actually expect him to follow through now.

I knew it was over when I asked myself honestly where things would likely be 6 months or a year later and realized they would be exactly the same or worse.

deezaldog

You have a lot on your plate. First thing you need to do is to take care of yourself! Let ah take care of himself. I hate to be mean but here goes: the list won't work, if you think he is doing drugs(thc) then he probably is, he needs to work on himself, he will not talk about US because he is only thinking of himself, if he feels you are pressureing him then you are, only to the extent that he feels pressured because he is not ready to work on himself or you. Sorry. New job, ft nursing student is a lot for you to deal with. You can do it if you focus on yourself. I am a ft student and depend on student loans to get by since I work pt as a work study. When I explained to my landlord my situation, he could accept that better than no communication. Your landlorde should understand if you keep him informed. I hope you work through this terrible time. I hope you the best of luck in school and your new job. Alanon is a great support system as well as those on this site. You have a lot going for yourself, and you must be very strong to do what you are doing. RN school is difficult to get in and acceptance is a great privilage. Best wishes to you
>LOL

Bernadette

Hiya Stronger!

Good luck getting that job!! I hope it works out for you!

A month ago and then two weeks ago, when we were discussing things, I was told he would call and set us up for counseling, that he would get himself into an outpatient program or at least addictions counseling, there is a "list" that I have of things I need him to do for me to begin to build trust in him again, for me to see that he is serious about fixing things.

None of these things has happened. Surprise, surprise!
I fully expected this, but as I do all of the time, I question myself and my feelings.

Seems like, thinking back to your earlier posts, that when there was a lot of drama and sort of "passionate" upsetedness about what was going on your AH was really keen on how he was changing, what he was gonna do, promising you he would do X Y Z to make it work between you. And now that a little time has passed and dust has settled, and you've put the brakes on flat out leaving him, in other words, the time when it would be good to GET TO WORK and make the changes, he has become passive....and I would imagine you are waiting for the active instead of the passive mode of behavior....

Just makes me think that his talk before was about something different than him changing....since he doesn't seem to be budging and most importantly you ain't feelin it!!! Trust your gut...

There was a great response on a thread here once bout how family members could be supportive from I think Laurie6781 the gist of her reply was that "support" from family members felt like way to much "pressure" to her! I tried to do a search to find it --I'll try again - if I do I'll send you the link-- Laurie if you're out there, maybe you remember it?

Peace,
B.

suki44883

I agree with deezal. Talk to your landlord and tell him when you will be able to pay. He's been working with you so far, and a date where he can expect to get his money will be better than just waiting with no clear end in sight. If you don't talk to him, he might just say screw it right before you are ready to pay him. You don't want that to happen on top of everything else you're dealing with.

strongerwoman

and if I'm really honest with myself, it seems like it is all coming down to:

what if I never find anyone (that isn't a loser) to love me?
(remember I have MAJOR issues with my appearance, due to a facial birth defect I have - plus before long I'll be the big 4-0!)

what if I am alone the rest of my life? I soooo dont want that - I CAN be alone, but I shudder at the thought of not ever being in a love relationship again.

what if I am handling this "reconciliation" all wrong and AM being pushy and demanding?

But I know this relationship is just continously bringing me down and keeping me there, preventing me from moving forward. that darned old rollercoaster ride again, there is always just enough "good" to keep me hanging in there, until the "bad" comes along again.

I really feel like driving over there tonight and telling him that I am calling it quits for good, that I can't do this anymore, being married but not, living in this no-mans land of uncertainty everyday- BUT WHAT IF ITS A HUGE MISTAKE?????????????

my best friend who had been my best friend since 5th grade tells me I should give him like 90 days and see what progress is made, that not drinking is huge and he has a lot to look in the mirror and deal with and the fact that he isnt drinking and is going once a week to AA meetings means something, that Rome wasnt built in a day, ect.....she thinks I am being too hasty in making the divorce decision. (and she knows every little nitty gritty detail of everything.....)

Rainbowsend

I know it's difficult but try and concentrate on your studies, they are what will help "buy" you your choices in the long term

strongerwoman

Yes, definitely looking/waiting for any kind of ACTIVE action on his part.
I expected this to all go down this way, which is why I am pretty accepting of the fate of our relationship, just got my hopes up for one final time.

I know what post of Laurie's you are tlaking about, I remember it.

It just continues to amaze me that the A's can say one thing so very, very sincerely and yet do the opposite. Even worse, we codies fall for it over and over again!

strongerwoman

Exactly, I am hoping I am so busy with my schoolwork and a new job and being a single mom that I will be too exhausted to even give him a second thought!
I only needed two classes this semester for my program, but picked up another two to make me fulltime in hopes of staying busy.

Barbara52

Seems to me that you don't need to do anything but continue taking care o fyourself and your life. You have stated what you need to even consider ever getting back together. Its up to him to take action to get into recovery. Or not. Let it go and let God. You don't have to decide anything further right now. You don't have to decide if its over for good or not. Time will give you your answers.

BTW 40 is young from where I sit at 52! Relax and live your life. Worrying and wondering isn't going to change whatever life brings your way. Life is not the destination. Life is the journey.

mizztake33

True - sounds like you are on the right path. You really need to detach emotionally with love from him. This will help you focus on you. Good luck.

strongerwoman

It's so hard to let go of the last strings attaching us, once it was soooo great. Its just so damn sad, and a real shame.

splendra

I don't think you are being too demanding. I think you know what you want and what you don't want. It does take awhile to come up out of the fog. But still it helps if they start helping themselves. If he is smoking pot most likely he will slide right back down into the mire...

I think if you continue to grow and obtain the goals you have for yourself that it will lead you to places you never even dreamed possible.

I know it is scary to think about ending up alone believe me there are worse things. It is far worse being trapped in a dead end relationship than being on your own and doing what you want to do when you want to do it. There are lots of men out there don't fret about never finding someone. Exciting intelligent women are always surrounded by men.

prodigal

Unfortunately, I don't think he has a plan at this point. For himself, or for the two of you as a couple.

prodigal

I don't consider it a "mistake" if you drive over to his place. However, you have driven over to his place before and it hasn't accomplished much as far as his recovery goes at this point.

strongerwoman

By mistake, I meant what if it is a mistake to end it for good, for once and for all.
But then again, what if it isn't?

Arg!!!!!

I guess I dont feel any kind of real peace with either decision.
At the same time I am getting really tired of being in this "place"
I'm needing some resolution of the situation, either way.
I guess I am feeling really impatient and just want to get on with "it,"
whichever "it" may be.
I'm tired of being in this place of married but separated.

Barbara52

Then you aren't ready to make that decision. There is no rush. Give yourself the time you need. When you know, you will know.

I understand being in an unsettled state is difficult. But rushing to a decision before you can be sure what that decision should be can lead to making a decision you later regret. So be patient, as hard as that can be.

strongerwoman

Exactly. All he says is "I'm doing the best I can, thats all I can do."

Which usually makes me want to punch him, to be honest.
Its like he hides behind that statement.

Doing your best?! What are you doing?!

His mother is and always has been a HUGE problem, they never "cut the cord,"
she's never wanted me in his life, she has totally rejected our daughter together while going out of her mind crazy to indulge in the other three children he has with his first wife.
The stories I could tell you about this woman would have you

Anyhow, he has never stood up to her, except for once, in 14 years we've been together. And that was with me standing over him, almost forcing him to write the email to her. She responded with a HUGE guilt trip and that was that. He can not and will not defend me or our daughter against her, will not tell her that she either needs to respect us, make amends with us or take a flying leap. He just can not/will not do it. And I cant for the life of me figure it out and it make me CRAZY.

So, this is one of my top issues that I need resolved once and for all, one of the things on my "list" that will show me he is serious about our relationship, ect.
I waited three weeks after he quit drinking to bring it up. I asked him "I was just wondering what you plan to do about the situation with your mother."
He goes on to tell me that he spoke to her about him and I getting back together and she told him that he needed to be alone and sober for at least a year before starting a new relationship and that we couldn't possibly be together working on our marriage while he was working on being sober. That there is no way it would work if we were together while he was trying to be sober.

First of all, plenty of people get sober and in recovery while still in their marriage relationship, and I'm pretty sure all marriages touched by addictions are messed up.
And she knows this because, oh yeah, she's a freaking drug and alcohol counselor! (with a son who has been an addict since he was 14yo and she is a HUGE enabler!)

But this wasnt the answer I was looking for at all. My question was: what was he going to do to make the situation with his mother okay with ME, for ME, his WIFE.
Plus, I had asked him not to discuss our relationship with her anymore because she manipulates all her "advice" and he falls for it every. single. time.

When I asked him what was his plan to make me feel reassured that the issues with his mother were going to be dealt with in a way that satisfies me, his wife, he looked at me with a blank look on his face and said he had no idea what he should/could do.

I almost laughed out loud because we have discussed this a million times over the years, I've showed him tons of marriage books telling what to do in the situation, ect. Our marriage counselor discussed this with him/us!
And he tells me he has no idea what to do.
OMG.
I asked him "really? you seriously have no idea how to make the situation better for me? you have no idea what to do?"

He says "yeah, I don't know what to do about it. I can't control what she does."

I got into my car and calmly left, telling him that he does in fact know exactly what he needs to do in regard to his mother, he just refuses, which tells me exactly what I need to know.

Crap like this, going around it for years and years with no resolution, now that IS insanity.
And I'm surprised I dont have permanent brain damage or in a coma from years of doing this

Barbara52

I note that I see a whole lot of you wanting to control him in your words. Let go and let God comes to mind.

strongerwoman

Yeah, with the emphasis right now on Let GO.

WHY is it sooooooooooooooooooooooo hard to just end it, I know and see beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is all so wrong for me to stay tangled up in, it is so clear.
Yet, I still have a glimmer of hope.

I guess I need to get a tatoo or something to remind me 24/7 that I am just as bad of an addict as he is, only he is my DOC.

Two steps forward, one hundred and two steps back........