Sigh..
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Sigh..
That is how I'm feeling right now..... :::sigh:::
I broke down yesterday. I spoke with my guy who is still in the mountains and in a safe environment. I did it..... I let my guard down. My emotions came out. We talked "emotionally". It was healing, in that regard. He talked about how he is clean and hasn't used since that OD attempt on Friday night. He says he has hit his bottom, but he is terrified too of this disease. We talked about recovery. He is thinking of going to an SLE around here. He really wants to come home, but that is impulsive and not the answer.
Well.... he was going to call me around 11pm.... and he didn't. So I called him about 100 times and started panicking..... getting so upset with myself for opening up and letting down this guard and wall I had put up. And *of course* this is what happens. Well... it turns out he was having some car issues and was dealing with that. I just cried and sobbed to him on the phone telling him how painful this is. That *this* kind of pain is the worst and that I'm just not able to deal. He calmed me down and actually came to me from a place of ESH (like I would get here).... and I just kept saying that it's because of this disease which lies with him that he is having to calm me down. He then called me this morning to wake me .... and I just woke up crying and just feeling so depressed. Just like I was 2 weeks ago.
He had a break through about resentments. I had a break through about character defects. This relapse has pushed him into the arena of now wanting this for himself. He saw his doctor and discussed the recovery. He really is *trying*. He changed one of his phone numbers today..... sending me a text saying that he is Man of Action. He understands that is what I need to see. I've heard all of this before.
He is scared. All of his family is back east... his friends that are local are so disappointed that they want nothing to do with him. Except for one who is an RA and that is who he is staying with. The other drug friends would have him in a heart beat, but he says that he is staying clear.
Aside from him changing one phone number - that is all I have seen in the way of action..... and supposedly being clean. He says that *this* time is different because he is not denying that he has an addiction. He's literally been forced into this re-birth by suffering from his own consequences.
He was asking me if I felt better now after our talk. I told him that all it did was give me a "fix".... just a quick fix.... unless something changes.... that is all it will be. He has a built in "forgetter"..... as so do I. Just like I don't remember the pain of child birth when I look at my boys.
I told him that I must be strong, but I must be stupid. I just keep getting punched in the ring- yet I'm still standing. Something is going to knock me out! I asked him last night to please..... please.... if you aren't doing it... doing recovery - to just let me go. Because it is killing me and I'm obviously not able to walk away - because I'm not doing it either. I told him though, that his actions are what is telling me - and that I'll eventually get there. I'll just be at the point where I'm truly sick and tired of being sick and tired. The love will not be "taken down" from me.... it is just going to be plain gone.
So....... anyway.... I feel that it is progress not perfection .... maybe I have made progress ??? At least, in the realm of awareness.
I broke down yesterday. I spoke with my guy who is still in the mountains and in a safe environment. I did it..... I let my guard down. My emotions came out. We talked "emotionally". It was healing, in that regard. He talked about how he is clean and hasn't used since that OD attempt on Friday night. He says he has hit his bottom, but he is terrified too of this disease. We talked about recovery. He is thinking of going to an SLE around here. He really wants to come home, but that is impulsive and not the answer.
Well.... he was going to call me around 11pm.... and he didn't. So I called him about 100 times and started panicking..... getting so upset with myself for opening up and letting down this guard and wall I had put up. And *of course* this is what happens. Well... it turns out he was having some car issues and was dealing with that. I just cried and sobbed to him on the phone telling him how painful this is. That *this* kind of pain is the worst and that I'm just not able to deal. He calmed me down and actually came to me from a place of ESH (like I would get here).... and I just kept saying that it's because of this disease which lies with him that he is having to calm me down. He then called me this morning to wake me .... and I just woke up crying and just feeling so depressed. Just like I was 2 weeks ago.
He had a break through about resentments. I had a break through about character defects. This relapse has pushed him into the arena of now wanting this for himself. He saw his doctor and discussed the recovery. He really is *trying*. He changed one of his phone numbers today..... sending me a text saying that he is Man of Action. He understands that is what I need to see. I've heard all of this before.
He is scared. All of his family is back east... his friends that are local are so disappointed that they want nothing to do with him. Except for one who is an RA and that is who he is staying with. The other drug friends would have him in a heart beat, but he says that he is staying clear.
Aside from him changing one phone number - that is all I have seen in the way of action..... and supposedly being clean. He says that *this* time is different because he is not denying that he has an addiction. He's literally been forced into this re-birth by suffering from his own consequences.
He was asking me if I felt better now after our talk. I told him that all it did was give me a "fix".... just a quick fix.... unless something changes.... that is all it will be. He has a built in "forgetter"..... as so do I. Just like I don't remember the pain of child birth when I look at my boys.
I told him that I must be strong, but I must be stupid. I just keep getting punched in the ring- yet I'm still standing. Something is going to knock me out! I asked him last night to please..... please.... if you aren't doing it... doing recovery - to just let me go. Because it is killing me and I'm obviously not able to walk away - because I'm not doing it either. I told him though, that his actions are what is telling me - and that I'll eventually get there. I'll just be at the point where I'm truly sick and tired of being sick and tired. The love will not be "taken down" from me.... it is just going to be plain gone.
So....... anyway.... I feel that it is progress not perfection .... maybe I have made progress ??? At least, in the realm of awareness.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
I *thought* I had hit my bottom....... but I haven't have I? He *thinks* he has hit his..... but he hasn't - has he? This pulling away from him when I don't feel altruistic in it or that I'm acting instead of re-acting to pain ... feels like a game. I feel like it's a game. Like..... you do this - and I'll do that...... and the game of chess is on! I would say checkers, but with all the tools that we now both have in regards to this disease, I feel as though it is now a game of chess.
I look at my boys..... and I can and do love them - but I'm not caught up in this emotional turmoil. My mother is caught up in the emotional turmoil of her children - where with my father she is not. She doesn't understand me. She doesn't understand how I can be so strong as a mother and so weak as a lover.
This has forced me to look at so much. SO MUCH!
I look at my boys..... and I can and do love them - but I'm not caught up in this emotional turmoil. My mother is caught up in the emotional turmoil of her children - where with my father she is not. She doesn't understand me. She doesn't understand how I can be so strong as a mother and so weak as a lover.
This has forced me to look at so much. SO MUCH!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Abundance)))
For me, recovery was one step forward, 2 steps back...both with my addiction and my codie-ness.
I'm sorry you're struggling, but I think you ARE making progress because you're looking at your actions (and his) from a different view.
For me, I knew I was a codie for years, but wasn't ready to do anything about it. I read the books, people told me "you deserve better", etc., but I wasn't ready to do anything about it until I was ready.
Just one thing about his comment "I'm a man of my actions". I never said that. I knew my actions would be the only thing that made a difference to the people who loved me, so I acted. Yes, changing his number is a start, but he has a long, long way to go.
I still hear him TALKING a lot, and wanting to keep you hanging on. He may, very well, have made a decision to seek recovery, but don't believe a word he says. He can SHOW you if he's serious.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
For me, recovery was one step forward, 2 steps back...both with my addiction and my codie-ness.
I'm sorry you're struggling, but I think you ARE making progress because you're looking at your actions (and his) from a different view.
For me, I knew I was a codie for years, but wasn't ready to do anything about it. I read the books, people told me "you deserve better", etc., but I wasn't ready to do anything about it until I was ready.
Just one thing about his comment "I'm a man of my actions". I never said that. I knew my actions would be the only thing that made a difference to the people who loved me, so I acted. Yes, changing his number is a start, but he has a long, long way to go.
I still hear him TALKING a lot, and wanting to keep you hanging on. He may, very well, have made a decision to seek recovery, but don't believe a word he says. He can SHOW you if he's serious.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Thank you Amy.... I'm wising up to it.
It really is 1 step forward - 2 steps back isn't it?
I'm so aware of all the talk.... and that reels me back in - but now I'm aware of what I need. I need the action. I can see now that it is just talk... like a quick fix - band aid to relieve the pain we are presently feeling. I'm grateful that I can talk with him so openly about this - which tells me that he is *trying*. But yes - he does have a long way to go.
I just keep telling myself that until he is ready he will DO this. He will come to all of this on his own time. I gave him the "Let me fall" story last night. He understands that is what I have to let him do. It's what I am doing. MY actions show how much I love him, but they are also showing that I also am giving myself - self respect - I am honoring what I need. He understands co-dependence. When I came to him about his addiction before the intervention- that is the place I came from. The truth of how it effects me. As for how or why it does - I'm looking at that and working on myself. That is all I can do.
If it weren't for knowing so much about this disease - I'd be even more so of a right mess. I'd be full of so much anger and resentment. Anger helps me take my love down and move on - but obviously it is a front and premature.
I just have to keep working my program. Talk less - do more!
It really is 1 step forward - 2 steps back isn't it?
I'm so aware of all the talk.... and that reels me back in - but now I'm aware of what I need. I need the action. I can see now that it is just talk... like a quick fix - band aid to relieve the pain we are presently feeling. I'm grateful that I can talk with him so openly about this - which tells me that he is *trying*. But yes - he does have a long way to go.
I just keep telling myself that until he is ready he will DO this. He will come to all of this on his own time. I gave him the "Let me fall" story last night. He understands that is what I have to let him do. It's what I am doing. MY actions show how much I love him, but they are also showing that I also am giving myself - self respect - I am honoring what I need. He understands co-dependence. When I came to him about his addiction before the intervention- that is the place I came from. The truth of how it effects me. As for how or why it does - I'm looking at that and working on myself. That is all I can do.
If it weren't for knowing so much about this disease - I'd be even more so of a right mess. I'd be full of so much anger and resentment. Anger helps me take my love down and move on - but obviously it is a front and premature.
I just have to keep working my program. Talk less - do more!
Perfectly Imperfect
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
Hi there. Sorry to hear you are going through this. I do think it is great that you are able to talk to him without him lashing out at you. I have to walk on tip toes with my guy. You could say something that sounds so completely harmless and he will use it against you. He's very good at that.
I'm sorry that your Mom is not being very supportive. It's too bad she can't see how this is affecting you and how important it is for you to be strong for your children. You're children are lucky to have a Mom as strong as you are - I remember watching my Mom fall apart night after night because of her relationships and her alcoholic husband(s) - yup - she married three alcoholics! That damaged me a lot. Sometimes, I think some people don't understand the profound impact that we as parents have on our children and how what we do now will affect them for the rest of their life. The way we are influences them, teaches them and molds them.
I will keep your family in my prayers. Meanwhile, hang in there and if you find yourself in a spot where your feelings are overtaking you, step back, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Breathing works wonders. Do that several times and I am sure of it that you will feel calmer.
Well, anyway, Goodnight - talk to you soon
I'm sorry that your Mom is not being very supportive. It's too bad she can't see how this is affecting you and how important it is for you to be strong for your children. You're children are lucky to have a Mom as strong as you are - I remember watching my Mom fall apart night after night because of her relationships and her alcoholic husband(s) - yup - she married three alcoholics! That damaged me a lot. Sometimes, I think some people don't understand the profound impact that we as parents have on our children and how what we do now will affect them for the rest of their life. The way we are influences them, teaches them and molds them.
I will keep your family in my prayers. Meanwhile, hang in there and if you find yourself in a spot where your feelings are overtaking you, step back, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Breathing works wonders. Do that several times and I am sure of it that you will feel calmer.
Well, anyway, Goodnight - talk to you soon
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by Abundance 
I asked him last night to please..... please.... if you aren't doing it... doing recovery - to just let me go. Because it is killing me and I'm obviously not able to walk away - because I'm not doing it either.
Although my situation is different from yours (I have an RAD), I realized that I had to choose the action I was going to take in my life to turn my life around. I could not count on my AD to choose the right action in order for me to feel better.
And don't get me wrong. I'm not chastizing you. I understand totally what you are saying and I know you are having trouble thinking with your head instead of your heart. I just know that when I started doing what I had to do to keep my life peaceful and sane, it was then my life started getting better. I had to set some boundaries like not talking to her or not putting myself in a risky situation where I'd get my hopes up only for them to be dashed again. In other words, I had to make decisions that were in my best interest, decisions that I call "taking healthy care of me."
Those moves toward taking healthy care of me didn't happen overnight. Recovery is a slow process and I know you're working on yours just like we all are. Just know I keep you in my prayers.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Hangin' In.... I get what you are saying. I should have followed up by saying that when I told him this.... or I should say asked him this...... he stepped back. He knew that at that point there was nothing he could say - but only DO. He actually went silent - he couldn't answer me - accept for saying that I was right. He is smart enough to know my battle with this and inside of him he is battling with the hurt that it brings me and everyone he loves. He has that compassion inside of him still. For him to make the choice to walk away and lose me for the drugs is actually what gives him the driving force to not want him return to it - and it also makes him recognize the difference of wanting recovery and DOING recovery. I suppose it is a form of manipulation on my part?
He is in the throws of it and it is my choice to be in the throws of it with him. I understand that..... and my action / my part in this - is to not be in the throws of addiction.... but the throws of recovery. And until he shows me by his actions - I want no part in it. He knows this.... and he sees me by setting boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate.... I feel that only will help him not hurt him (in the long run). Not to mention...... it HELPS ME!!!!
This Is A War - ADDICTION
HK - I got that site off of Callie's post. I book marked it. I want it in this thread because it is literally my driving force in all of this. Thank you for introducing it.
The pink cloud syndrome is gone.... and I'm doing my recovery. I get so caught up in the grips of love and emotion... but the bottom line is all that goes with love .... love is the basis - the foundation..... but it is NOT the end all. The art of forgiveness is powerful...... but to never forget - is even more powerful (and harder for me to do).
Today I am moving 1 step forward... and I feel strong.
Sometimes I think ya'll must think I'm nuts.... but at the same time I can't tell you how much your ESH helps.
I am going to an AA meeting tonight. It helps me to SEE recovery - and what it looks like. It is the reality that I am embracing. I've given up on trying to understand addiction - there is no point in it. I just KNOW I want no part in it - the destruction that comes with it is all I need to know.
He is in the throws of it and it is my choice to be in the throws of it with him. I understand that..... and my action / my part in this - is to not be in the throws of addiction.... but the throws of recovery. And until he shows me by his actions - I want no part in it. He knows this.... and he sees me by setting boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate.... I feel that only will help him not hurt him (in the long run). Not to mention...... it HELPS ME!!!!
This Is A War - ADDICTION
HK - I got that site off of Callie's post. I book marked it. I want it in this thread because it is literally my driving force in all of this. Thank you for introducing it.
The pink cloud syndrome is gone.... and I'm doing my recovery. I get so caught up in the grips of love and emotion... but the bottom line is all that goes with love .... love is the basis - the foundation..... but it is NOT the end all. The art of forgiveness is powerful...... but to never forget - is even more powerful (and harder for me to do).
Today I am moving 1 step forward... and I feel strong.
Sometimes I think ya'll must think I'm nuts.... but at the same time I can't tell you how much your ESH helps.
I am going to an AA meeting tonight. It helps me to SEE recovery - and what it looks like. It is the reality that I am embracing. I've given up on trying to understand addiction - there is no point in it. I just KNOW I want no part in it - the destruction that comes with it is all I need to know.
Last edited by Abundance; 08-22-2008 at 01:28 PM.
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