Snickers008

Dear Friends: We will be visiting my son in rehab for the first time this Thursday. I am trying to formulate the proper attitude for the visit. I have been told not to pity him or comfort him and I agree with this. I was thinking maybe we should just treat him like any other patient in a hospital. I would like to get the idea across to him that ***NEWSFLASH*** the world doesn't revolve around him and his alcohol related nightmares. However, I also would like to convey that we support him if he chooses to recover; recovery = support and no recovery = no support.

I have two fine girls ages 19 and 17 and one husband and you know how easy it is for the alcoholic to just suck the living breath out of an entire family without them even realizing it. I divorced my first husband due to his drinking. I really knew he had to go when I found myself literally pushing my (then very small) children aside to deal with his lawyers/lack of employment/ etc/etc. I'm sure many of you know this drill.

Thanks to all of you who responded to my first post! I could see my attitude starting to shift after reading those responses and especially reading some of the "stickies". I often wonder if my first husband would have recovered if his mother didn't rescue him constantly. At his lowest point he was in the hospital after hitting a truck head on driving drunk and high the wrong way on the Washington beltway- he was saying things like "You know I would sell my soul for alcohol- I will do ANYTHING for a drink" and I was saying "YES YES YES- finally the truth!" but then his mother picked him up and took him home and that was as close as he ever came to recovery (so far).

Hugs to all my new friends here in the forum! :ghug Snickers 008

Bernadette

Whenever I've had to be in the presence of my A-brothers when they are in crisis I learned in AlAnon that the best "attitude" I could have and the one that keeps ME safe from trouble is a "listening" attitude.

I just keep an open mind, and listen to what they have to say. I try not to force any conversation at all. If they have nada to say then it's a real short visit!! If they start talking I just listen. If they start the alcoholic quacking, self-pity, blaming others, asking for things I know would enable them, I just say "Ohhhh. and "I see." and I don't agree to anything at all.

I find that the "Hunh." or "Oh." response serves me really well! Cuz if I open my big gob and start talking things usually go downhill or I end up regretting something I said or agreed to.

Good luck Snickers. And keep that sense of humor!! Your quip about the new house location requirement of being near the prison and the rehab almost made me spit out my tea!!! Location Location. Location!!!

Stay strong Mama!
Peace,
B.

Spiritual Seeker

Hopefully when you visit AS this week, part of his "old self" will be back.

Try your hardest ( Mom = masking tape on mouth ) not to bring up the past and simply stay in the moment. In his program at rehab he will dealing with it on his own.

Hopefully this is his time to get sobriety.

CatsPajamas

This is where I tend to pull out my Big Five:

Oh
Wow
Really
Huh and
Ya don't say?!

If you can just enjoy your time there, knowing he's exactly where he needs to be, and if you can go with no expectations, you'll probably have a nice visit.

Mom hugs
Cats

cem001

When my RAH was in rehab and we drove 3 1/2 hours both ways every weekend to "support" him. We never discussed the past, I let him basically dictate what we talked about. He got permission from the owners of the rehab center for me to be able to stay late and help him cook dinner. They all had chores, and on weekends they were in charge of their meals. So everyone had their duty.

I also was invited to attend their group meetings. They would go "off campus" to another open meeting.

To see his progress every weekend, to the time he finally said I am ready to come home.

I hope he truely embraces this chance he's getting to get clean, and you are in my thoughts.

Snickers008

Thank you all for the excellent advice. It's going to be hard to keep my big trap shut this time. This child had non-hodgkins lymphoma when he was 10 and lost his right eye from a BB gun when he was 14 so it's always been him and I against the odds. I guess this time it's him and him. Or him and God.

I was feeling so bad last night that I failed to protect him but actually I did protect him when he was a baby and a child. Now's he grownup and it's time for him to protect himself and others from forces that threaten. This is an example of positive self talk I am trying to do.

I think I might inquire at the rehab about family counseling. I never have been a big believer in that sort of thing but maybe it's worth another try.

THANK YOU ALL- I am finding quite a sensible bunch in this forum!