mamaplus2kids

It's been a while since I last posted here. To make a long story short: I'm dealing with a nasty divorce, taking care of two small children, a house, dog, job, and a relationship that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I prefer to have a relationship right now than none at all. I tried to break up in December 07, but I couldn't. Maybe I’m relationship addicted, maybe it’s true love, maybe I can’t face being without someone in my life. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, he's nice to have as long as I keep my expectations low (forget marriage, kids, living together). Plus, until my divorce goes through (it could take another year), it would be difficult to find someone who would want to have a relationship with a not-yet divorced woman with two kids. I’m also afraid of meeting and trusting anyone new at the moment.

So, I’ve given myself the finalization of my divorce as the deadline to decide whether or not to continue in this relationship… in the meantime, I enjoy the intimate times that are becoming increasingly infrequent.

In the country where I live, there is a mandatory two-year separation period before one can even file for divorce. My two years ended this past February and the divorce proceedings are happening very slowly. My soon to be XAH is so angry that I threw him out and cut him off financially that he's trying to make my life as miserable as possible. He is costing me a fortune in legal fees and I often feel drained by the negative energy. I'm losing faith in my lawyer, who says she has never seen someone act like my AH. This doesn't bode well. I am trying to find the courage to get a second opinion, but I have so much going on I can't seem to find time... I know that getting this divorce is the most important task I have, but sometimes I just freeze in fear and hopelessness.

I have to keep reminding myself that this divorce will end and I will be free of him. I've given up on the idea that he will ever recover... which would be the best thing for the children. Recently, I find myself wishing that he would overdose and just disappear. I am convinced that he is a sociopath. He shows no conscience and just wants people to pity him. The problem is some people do believe him, he's such a charmer.

So, life isn’t much fun at the moment. I constantly remind myself how lucky I am to have a roof over my head, enough money to live on, health, great kids and nice friends. I just wish I were divorced and in a more meaningful relationship.

geees poncho

MAMA+
I'll have to say it's refreshing to hear that some countries still believe in marriage,
unlike the USA, where if one wakes up on the wrong side of the bed their filing for a divorce. NO INTESTINAL FORTITUDE ANYMORE.
My opinion is that alcohol is the most uncontroled, controled sustance in the world.
If there were a permit to purchase, and any problems arose while consuming the
the spirits, the permit to purchase would be revoked. (ie) marital problems, driving under the influance. so many problems in the world would be negated without alcohol in the picture. As far as taking on a lover while still in the throws of a divorce, this is another person being effected in your life, more dysfunction being spread. not a good setting for the children, which are the most important right now. JMHO

FormerDoormat

I believe in healthy marriages--not in sick, dependent ones where one person does all the giving and the other does all the taking. Thank God countries like the US make it easier for people who find themselves stuck with an irresponsible partner to end the relationship as quickly as possible.

Good to see you back, Mama. I'm glad to see you're moving forward and that your divorce will be final in the near term. I'm not currently in a relationship. That's because I'd rather wait for a fulfilling relationship than to distract myself with a shallow relationship. Being in a less-than-fulfilling relationship doesn't leave me open for a fulfilling one when Mr. Right comes along. Plus, as WpgWoman used to say, "the bare minimum my partner needs to give me is 100%."

I settled for less than I deserved for way too many years. I won't settle for crumbs any longer. I'd rather be alone and focused on what I want out of my life than to waste time with Mr. Just OK.

mamaplus2kids

It's true that if my AH were not a sociopathic addict, I would probably be more ready to try to make it work. But he's showing no signs of wanting to recover... and I think he's a sex addict as well, something he's not looking to face at all. I would never be able to trust him. As it's turned out, he more than just lied and stole from me. He chased every girl he could; I am so ashamed to have stayed in the relationship as long as I did.

Thank you Former Dormat! I really need to get out of this mess. Why did I get in it to begin with is the crux of this story. I saw glimpes of the man he COULD be if he were sober, and I started to believe these fantasies. I spent the first few months of separation grieving the loss of these fantasies. I've been trying to forgive myself ever since. My new relationship has been nice: he's very affectionate, a great lover, and a good friend. I'm just not sure he's husband material. Then, I have to ask myself... do I even want a husband again. I think the answer is: if he's the right one.

LucyA

Not that you're being judgemental or know the whole story of course. The chidren, who as you say are the most important, could well be benefitting from seeing mama in a loving stable relationship right now.

nowwhat

I can relate to the "shallow" relationship.

I do think your happiness will influence your children and that is an important concern.

I'm sorta in the same boat right now. My divorce is final but the other weirdness is very similar.

mamaplus2kids

My current BF is very loving and stable when he is with us, which is not very often. In the beginning of our relationship, we were very much in love and spent every night together. The kids liked having him around. As time went on, the "in love" feelings have receded and we remain good friends who want to give each other space. I wasn't able to achieve this a year ago... we were too mistrusting, having come from terrible relationships with addicts. Now, we are trying to give each other space, without the fear that we will start looking for other lovers. It's an interesting, yet difficult, challenge. I'm find myself LETTING GO... which is scary. If this doesn't work, then the relationship doesn't work.

Tiredofdrama1

I'm in my first "serious" relationship since my divorce 2 years ago. I dated several people, but most just one time....then met my current bf. We've been together for 15 months, but we are at a real crossroads. Like you describe, I have felt him pulling away as I have become closer to him. He is a very busy business owner and when we met told me he had not planned on getting seriously involved until last child was out of high school.

We have had many conversations in the last few weeks about our relationship and where it's going and we seem to be on different pages. For whatever reason, he cannot put me and our relationship on higher priority...and therefore we are spending less and less time together. I believe that he is fearful of commitment, although he says he wants a committed relationship. I finally got him to admit that he is making choices to do other things than with us....up until now he has always "blamed" it on work.

I want to further the relationship...not marriage or anything...but I want it to continute to grow and progress, and I feel like he has stopped any progression and won't "allow" himself to really get attached to me. It has become quite painful to want to love someone who does not seem to want to receive it or reciprocate it.

Like you, I battle with myself as to the value and sense of staying in the relationship. He has many qualities that I admire, but we just seem to be on a different page as to where the relationship is. My frustration has been that he SAYS he wants to be together, etc, etc...but then does not behave as such. Part of me says to detach and move on & look for someone more in line with my needs....but part of me says that I am being too needy and perhaps wanting to control and that I should stay and work through these issues. I read from the "Letting Go" book and try to remind myself to live in the present....not trying to control the future with my wants and needs and desire for a "secure" relationship. I argue with myself a lot as to whether my needs and expectations are normal or unreasonable.

As of this weekend we are talking about and really trying to find out in what way we can continue the relationship with both of our needs getting met. He seems to want to back down to more of a friendship, but does not want me to go out with other people..lol. I know he wants me in his life, but I don't know if I can be "friends" with someone I have invested my heart into...but maybe this is the time in my life that I need to stretch and learn. Maybe my "all or nothing" tendency is rooted in my insecurities from the past. Maybe it IS possible to pull back, slow things down, and still maintain the relationship.

Didn't mean to threadjack with my story, but I can so identify with what you are saying and find myself in the same quandary. Is it possible to pull back from the relationship and give each other space? I am afraid that by my pulling back and detaching I will "search" out someone else......but I really feel that is the only way to find out if there is really some substance.

I really believe that "letting go" and focusing elsewhere will show us the answer. If we allow the space, everyone will have the freedom to discern and answer where the relationship should be. I have fought this idea because of fear of totally losing the relationship and also on the grounds that it is "playing games"...yet I know it is probably the only way in which to know which direction we should go.

Sorry for rambling....but this thread is exactly where I am right now.

mamaplus2kids

Tiredofdrama, I think you're right, but it's so scary. I have some trust issues and an obsessive side. I am not a stalker, but I am tempted to spy at times. This is an indication that I'm not healthy.