Is it normal for AH to "disappear"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Is it normal for AH to "disappear"
My AH has started leaving 1 or 2 nights a week until anywhere from midnight to 3am. He's always been a homebody. He says it is his way of coping with his anger, in other words it is my fault. I'm not naive enough to think he's not capable of having an affair, but I don't think that's what's going on. A friend has seen him at a bar where he begged her not to tell she saw me, but she said he wasn't with anyone except a buddy of his. He left last night because I have set the boundary that he may not have even a beer (because I have no way of knowing if it was just A beer) and put one of the kids in the car. He offered to take one to football practice and I said no.
I was just wondering what other's experiences have been and if this is just a progression of the disease.
I was just wondering what other's experiences have been and if this is just a progression of the disease.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Yep...from my limited experience it sounds like he is sneaking. When my AH said he was done drinking he came up with all kinds of strange errands to run and always came back chewing gum...then 30 minutes later ran another errand. He was a homebody too. By 4 in the afternoon he was pretty lit.
I am also not saying he is having an affair, but I wouldn't put it completely out of your mind. They seem to need that validation and ego lift from other possilby like minded people.
Hang in there.
I am also not saying he is having an affair, but I wouldn't put it completely out of your mind. They seem to need that validation and ego lift from other possilby like minded people.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Yes, it's normal in my expirence with my abrother. He would leave for hours, then days, then weeks, then years at a time.
The odd excuses for leaving like you described seem to fit the pattern of sneaking off to drink.
The odd excuses for leaving like you described seem to fit the pattern of sneaking off to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
My experience being an alcoholic is that I tried many ways to hide my drinking. My ex drinks alcoholically but I was the only one with the problem. I would try to hide if from him. He would find the bottle and throw out the alcohol.
So, if you think it is going on You are right. Alcoholics like hanging with other alcoholics. We like having someone else to look at so we think they are worse than we are. At least that was how my alcoholic mind worked. Maybe an alanon mtg could enlighten you. Only hoping the best for you and that your ah finds sobriety.
So, if you think it is going on You are right. Alcoholics like hanging with other alcoholics. We like having someone else to look at so we think they are worse than we are. At least that was how my alcoholic mind worked. Maybe an alanon mtg could enlighten you. Only hoping the best for you and that your ah finds sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
My ex would take off on "errands" when he needed to ramp his consumption up (was having withdrawls because the 12 pack he brought home was not enough). He never left in the middle of the night but he started getting up and drinking any alcohol in the house (he was a beer drinker but when it was not enough the liquor and wine we kept for guests would disappear). The final straw was when my son told me he saw his dad drinking out of a liquor bottle in the middle of the night.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
That's lovely. Your husband is staying out all night and possibly cheating on you (whether it's with another woman or an affair with a bottle of booze--it doesn't really matter he's still deceiving you) and somehow it's YOUR fault.
In my experience, this is a behavior that often accompanies addiction. Regardless of the cause, it all boiled down to this: my boyfriend chose the bottle over me, my daughter, our home, his career, and eventually his life. Thank God I found the strength to end the relationship before he drank himself to death. I'm so thankful that I didn't have to witness that.
My solution was to end the relationship. It was the best decision I've ever made, and today I live a happy life. Others have found different solutions that worked out equally well for them.
Alanon, SR, and therapy have been the way out for many folks on this forum. The good news is that you don't have to live like this. You have options.
In my experience, this is a behavior that often accompanies addiction. Regardless of the cause, it all boiled down to this: my boyfriend chose the bottle over me, my daughter, our home, his career, and eventually his life. Thank God I found the strength to end the relationship before he drank himself to death. I'm so thankful that I didn't have to witness that.
My solution was to end the relationship. It was the best decision I've ever made, and today I live a happy life. Others have found different solutions that worked out equally well for them.
Alanon, SR, and therapy have been the way out for many folks on this forum. The good news is that you don't have to live like this. You have options.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by blessed4x 
I was just wondering what other's experiences have been and if this is just a progression of the disease.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Thanks for all the replies, and thanks for bringing it back to me. You are right, it is SO hard to keep the focus on me (and what's best for my kids) and not "go there". It doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing.....bottom line is that is not how I want to live.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I can tell you that when I was still practicing my Alcoholism and drug use, I would disappear for days. I would lose track of time. I liked being away from the 'hassle' of my home and having to justify my drinking, so I would leave.
Alcoholics are notorious for disappearing from their home life and going to their 'drinking buddies' instead.
It is good that you have set boundaries.
Have you tried Alanon yet? It is a great organization and you will find face to face local suport, plus you will learn lots.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Alcoholics are notorious for disappearing from their home life and going to their 'drinking buddies' instead.
It is good that you have set boundaries.
Have you tried Alanon yet? It is a great organization and you will find face to face local suport, plus you will learn lots.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Always Hopeful
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: californication
Posts: 50
Yes...the disappearing....loosing track of time. My ex ABF used to disappear and when I call him, he would be lit with his friends who also drank. THe excuses kept coming, I am busy at work. What he meant was, I am busy drinking heavily with my friends from work.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Blessed, my exabf would always do this. Sometimes he would not show up till the early hours and then get mad at me because he had apparently already told me where he was going - not! He would not show up when i would expect him home from work, I would call him to find he was in a bar. He began taking the dog out on ''walks'' late at night. One time he did this and never came home with the dog until the next day - said he had fell asleep at his 'friends'.
I agree with barbara, you need to think about if this is acceptable behaviour and if not make some changes so that you stay peaceful. I detached from his actions as best I could, but found that for me the best solution was to end it.
I hope you find your answers.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I agree with barbara, you need to think about if this is acceptable behaviour and if not make some changes so that you stay peaceful. I detached from his actions as best I could, but found that for me the best solution was to end it.
I hope you find your answers.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Hi, blessed!
My husband is an alcoholic, too. Because alcohol is no longer a part of our home life, when my A chooses to drink he also disappears. In my case, AH sits alone in his truck in a parking lot and drinks until he passes out.
Sounds like fun, eh?!
Reading your post, the "I have to leave because you make me so angry" part of his MO upsets me more than the somewhat standard disappearing act.
I hated the denial/blame phase of my husband's drinking career!
Take care of yourself-
He is responsible for the choices that he makes.
-TC
My husband is an alcoholic, too. Because alcohol is no longer a part of our home life, when my A chooses to drink he also disappears. In my case, AH sits alone in his truck in a parking lot and drinks until he passes out.
Sounds like fun, eh?!
Reading your post, the "I have to leave because you make me so angry" part of his MO upsets me more than the somewhat standard disappearing act.
I hated the denial/blame phase of my husband's drinking career!
Take care of yourself-
He is responsible for the choices that he makes.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
My ABF frequently 'ran away' from home for nights/days at a time. It gets worse as the disease progresses.
He was reported missing god knows how many times and the police knew him on first name terms!
When it happens try not to worry, i did at first but the worst he was doing was getting hammered and passing out in a park overnight. Once he even had the brain to check into a b+b whilst drunk and stayed for 2 days!!
It was his way of coping or not as it was.
He ran away from any problems he couldnt face.
In the end i just got on with my normal life and let him go werever to drink/escape.
As long as he didnt bother me!
sam.xx
He was reported missing god knows how many times and the police knew him on first name terms!
When it happens try not to worry, i did at first but the worst he was doing was getting hammered and passing out in a park overnight. Once he even had the brain to check into a b+b whilst drunk and stayed for 2 days!!
It was his way of coping or not as it was.
He ran away from any problems he couldnt face.
In the end i just got on with my normal life and let him go werever to drink/escape.
As long as he didnt bother me!
sam.xx
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
My ex boyfriend, Richard, went missing for over a month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We had broken up ~ two years earlier, but I hated the thought of him spending Thanksgiving alone.
So, I invited him over despite my better judgment. I told him he absolutely could not drink in my home or show up at the train station drunk. He did what I asked. However, without his beloved alcohol, he arrived in full DT's. I basically drove him straight to the ER, where he spent the entire Thanksgiving weekend. My attempt to show him compassion nearly ruined my Thanksgiving holiday. I did leave him alone in the hospital all Thanksgiving Day so I could spend the day with my family.
The moment he was discharged, I drove him back to the train station. I wasn't going to put up with any more disruptions in my life due to his alcoholism--whether it was a holiday or not. And I was certainly not going to let him stay another night in my home--not in that condition.
A few days later, when I hadn't heard a peep out of him, I called his cell phone. He didn't return my call, or apparently any of his friends, co-workers, or relatives phone calls as well. They all called me looking for him. All I knew was that I dropped him off at the train station and assumed he made it home.
I posted a thread about him missing. I think it was called "Where are you Richard." You can look it up if you like.
A few weeks after Christmas, my phone rang. It was Richard. He acted like we'd just talked yesterday. No explanation of what happened or where he'd been for the last month. Didn't seem to bother him one bit that everyone was worried to death about him. So I pressured him for information. He claimed he had been hospitalized for over a month. Who knows if that was the truth or not.
I invited him over one more time after that. From his phone calls, he seemed like he was fading fast and I felt so sorry for him. He was barely functional when he arrived and looked years older than he was. He tried to help me change a light bulb in my hallway, but couldn't climb even two rungs on the ladder. I suggested that he hold the ladder while I changed the bulb. He was huffing and puffing and barely able to stand. How he made it to the train station for me to pick him up was beyond me.
He stayed a day or two and I drove him back to the train station. That was the last time I saw him. He disappeared again for a while and eventually I got a call that he was found dead in his apartment with a bottle at his side.
The bottom line is that I let someone treat me terribly, take advantage of my feelings for him, and it never appeared to bother him one bit how much suffering his behavior caused me, his friends, or his family.
The only thing that mattered to him in the end was his next drink. Life with Richard was the most heartbreaking and miserable experience of my life. What's even more sad is that I caused my own suffering by choosing to have him in my life.
Richard loved alcohol more than me. And I loved Richard more than me. In a sense I disappeared in much the same way that Richard disappeared with his booze.
It really doesn't matter what the alcoholic in my life was doing, where he did it, or why he did it. What matters is what I was choosing to do with my life. I was actively choosing to live a miserable life until I made some difficult choices.
What kind of life do you want to live? What changes do you need to make to live the life you choose?
So, I invited him over despite my better judgment. I told him he absolutely could not drink in my home or show up at the train station drunk. He did what I asked. However, without his beloved alcohol, he arrived in full DT's. I basically drove him straight to the ER, where he spent the entire Thanksgiving weekend. My attempt to show him compassion nearly ruined my Thanksgiving holiday. I did leave him alone in the hospital all Thanksgiving Day so I could spend the day with my family.
The moment he was discharged, I drove him back to the train station. I wasn't going to put up with any more disruptions in my life due to his alcoholism--whether it was a holiday or not. And I was certainly not going to let him stay another night in my home--not in that condition.
A few days later, when I hadn't heard a peep out of him, I called his cell phone. He didn't return my call, or apparently any of his friends, co-workers, or relatives phone calls as well. They all called me looking for him. All I knew was that I dropped him off at the train station and assumed he made it home.
I posted a thread about him missing. I think it was called "Where are you Richard." You can look it up if you like.
A few weeks after Christmas, my phone rang. It was Richard. He acted like we'd just talked yesterday. No explanation of what happened or where he'd been for the last month. Didn't seem to bother him one bit that everyone was worried to death about him. So I pressured him for information. He claimed he had been hospitalized for over a month. Who knows if that was the truth or not.
I invited him over one more time after that. From his phone calls, he seemed like he was fading fast and I felt so sorry for him. He was barely functional when he arrived and looked years older than he was. He tried to help me change a light bulb in my hallway, but couldn't climb even two rungs on the ladder. I suggested that he hold the ladder while I changed the bulb. He was huffing and puffing and barely able to stand. How he made it to the train station for me to pick him up was beyond me.
He stayed a day or two and I drove him back to the train station. That was the last time I saw him. He disappeared again for a while and eventually I got a call that he was found dead in his apartment with a bottle at his side.
The bottom line is that I let someone treat me terribly, take advantage of my feelings for him, and it never appeared to bother him one bit how much suffering his behavior caused me, his friends, or his family.
The only thing that mattered to him in the end was his next drink. Life with Richard was the most heartbreaking and miserable experience of my life. What's even more sad is that I caused my own suffering by choosing to have him in my life.
Richard loved alcohol more than me. And I loved Richard more than me. In a sense I disappeared in much the same way that Richard disappeared with his booze.
It really doesn't matter what the alcoholic in my life was doing, where he did it, or why he did it. What matters is what I was choosing to do with my life. I was actively choosing to live a miserable life until I made some difficult choices.
What kind of life do you want to live? What changes do you need to make to live the life you choose?
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by blessed4x
My AH has started leaving 1 or 2 nights a week until anywhere from midnight to 3am. He's always been a homebody. He says it is his way of coping with his anger, in other words it is my fault. I'm not naive enough to think he's not capable of having an affair, but I don't think that's what's going on. A friend has seen him at a bar where he begged her not to tell she saw me, but she said he wasn't with anyone except a buddy of his. He left last night because I have set the boundary that he may not have even a beer (because I have no way of knowing if it was just A beer) and put one of the kids in the car. He offered to take one to football practice and I said no.
I was just wondering what other's experiences have been and if this is just a progression of the disease.
I was just wondering what other's experiences have been and if this is just a progression of the disease.
It was kind of surreal watching her react to their fights, while I was still in the dark, apparently it was a rather stormy relationship. Sometimes igorance is truly bliss.
Imagine that...a stormy relationship with a drunk, ha!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I have had two vastly experiences with the A's in my life. Yes, I married not one, but TWO A's. Guess I just didn't figure out what was wrong with ME the first time 'round ....
Anyway, my exAH went missing for 36 hours one time. He was best friends with another raging A (well, duh!) and they'd go bar hopping and my AH would crash at his bud's house. Heck, for all I know he was cheating on me as well. I never had any reason to think he was, because he was one of those types who is a man's man - playing golf with THE BOYS, hanging at the local bar with THE BOYS, going out on a boat with THE BOYS. Good riddance!
My second AH isolates. Big time. He is NEVER missing. Heck, I'd be happy if he'd drop out of sight and remaining missing for as long as his heart desires! He goes to his job. He goes to the grocery store (buys food and booze). He comes home. He works in the yard. He gets drunk. End of story. No friends. Minimal contact with his family.
So from my experience, not all A's go MIA. Some sit in their garage night after night drinking - or so I've heard in Al-Anon meets. Some, like mine, stare at a t.v. set. Some just lay around on a couch and pass out.
Regardless of their methodology, their goal is to drink until drunk.
Anyway, my exAH went missing for 36 hours one time. He was best friends with another raging A (well, duh!) and they'd go bar hopping and my AH would crash at his bud's house. Heck, for all I know he was cheating on me as well. I never had any reason to think he was, because he was one of those types who is a man's man - playing golf with THE BOYS, hanging at the local bar with THE BOYS, going out on a boat with THE BOYS. Good riddance!
My second AH isolates. Big time. He is NEVER missing. Heck, I'd be happy if he'd drop out of sight and remaining missing for as long as his heart desires! He goes to his job. He goes to the grocery store (buys food and booze). He comes home. He works in the yard. He gets drunk. End of story. No friends. Minimal contact with his family.
So from my experience, not all A's go MIA. Some sit in their garage night after night drinking - or so I've heard in Al-Anon meets. Some, like mine, stare at a t.v. set. Some just lay around on a couch and pass out.
Regardless of their methodology, their goal is to drink until drunk.
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