Mambo Queen

My AH has been living in our condo while I have lived with my parents since April. I said I was divorcing, he pleaded for one last chance--and of course he's taking a huge dump over that "last chance"--I've been lying to everyone in my family now because they really thought I was done with him in mid-July, but he came to me tear-filled and we had some wonderful talks and I truly thought he'd come to his bottom. Fast Forward to today--he's drinking more than ever, hasn't done anything I asked him to do to prove himself to me, meanwhile I keep lying because I don't want to tell everyone it's over yet again, and then just have me go back on my word yet again if he manages to hook me again. I don't want that to happen, but just when I think I'm strong enough to break free for good, he either ramps up his disease to where he seems so ******* helpless I don't see anyway out of him being anything other than a homeless bum on the street if we divorce, or he is "good" for a few days, attends a meeting, stays somewhat sober, and we have a great talk on the phone. He really is my best friend when he's not a drunken idiot; that's the world's biggest cliche, but that's because it's also true--when we're just talking about our daughter, or world events, or the Olympics, and he's not drunk, there's no one I'd rather talk to. Also, I've posted before about my worries about him being homeless, but I don't know if anyone on this board has been in quite the position I feel I'm in--when I say he'll be homeless, I mean, he has NO ONE in his life that would let him live with him. Both parents are dead, he has no friends, no "internet girlfriends", no bar buddies--he's an agorophobic who doesn't leave the home when he drinks. He has sisters, but they have made it very plain that they have no interest in enabling him. Now that he sees the end might be near, he's telling me all the time how I did this to him by preventing him from getting a career going, and how he can't get sober without my help, and if I would just move back home he'd get sober this time--even though the threat of losing me clearly didn't work. I don't know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and sometimes I feel like I have it worse than even most of the people on this board--I would love to know he had a girlfriend he could run to; it'd sure make me feel less guilty anyway then thinking about literally putting my daughter's father on the street. She's young enough that she still thinks he's the bees knees. I just feel stuck, but I know I'm not in reality, and I am getting stronger--I'm just scared of #1. Losing my best friend, #2. Driving him to an early grave or homelessness and #3. Having him believe in his heart of hearts that my "abandonment" was the final nail in his coffin. Any advice appreciated.

Learning how

Mambo queen, I will keep you in my thoughts. You are in a diffiuclt spot.
This is so much easier said than done but you did not cause this problem and you can not fix it. You have no control over what he thinks. He has to hit his bottom and deside to make changes. (or not) :sorry
Try to take care of your self.

prodigal

That is a very painful situation to consider, but that may be what you have to allow to happen. You cannot save him from himself, nor can you get him to stop drinking. What I think it boils down to, and this is just my opinion, is the A wants it all. They want to keep their mistress (the bottle) and keep their enabler (their partner). It allows them the illusion that all is well and everything is under control.

I had to decide to finally allow my AH the freedom to choose the bottle over me and to respect his choice. If he looses his job, and we end up losing our house and everything we own, so be it. But I had to get to the point that I could allow myself to let go of trying to fix things. I don't possess that power.

LaTeeDa

So, what you are saying is that you would rather go down with him than let him go down alone? Cuz really, those are the only two choices. Either you care enough to save yourself, or you don't. You are not powerful enough to save him. If you were, he would be saved already, wouldn't he? He may be your best friend, as my husband was mine, but he will use you up until there is nothing left. Why? Because that's what alcoholics and addicts do.

When you have had enough, you will stop sacrificing your life for him. Until then, he will keep on using you. Been there, done that. I feel bad for you that you cannot see the inherent value in your own life, only his.....

L

anubus

Mambo Queen.........I cried & cried when I read your post.....because I can certainly relate!! None of this "dumping your XA bf/;h thing is EASY..........urgh!!!!!!.

I am SO new,,,,,,,,,(just threw my Abf OUT 3 WEEKS AGO, i STILL IN THE DENIAL/GRIEF STAGE THAT naybe HE'LL "HIT BOTTOM" .......lol.........it doesn't hurt to DREAM & PRAY.......LOL..

But like we already have to come to realise "We have to live in the real world,,,,,, MOST of the time".

Please ignore the posts that tell you otherwise......only YOU can decide what you want for your future!!!!!!!!!

Live WITH or withOUT an A in your life......ultimately. on;y YOU can decide.

And honestly. I SEE most sides of your fence.......

Hugs to you!!!!!

bookwyrm

(((Mamboqueen)))

I have been where you are. I have been engulfed in the guilt. One thing you have to remember though, is your AH is an adult. A grown up, not a child! He is responsible for making his own decisions. He is also responsible for seeing to his own needs, including finding a place to stay. If you were faced with the possibility of being homeless, what would you do? Why isn't he doing this? His seeming helplessness is a way to get you to do everything for him so he doesn't have to bother.

You've seen what his promises are worth. It is just all so much quacking, to get you to act the way he wants you to. I've been there! What he believes and reality are two different things. You already know how much he values you - your health (both mental and physical) come a low second to alcohol. Last time I checked, best friends don't usually cause this much pain and guilt. His sober friendliness is keeping you on his side, suckering you back in to codie land!

Please have a good look through the stickies at the top of the forum. They ought to help you see more clearly - they really helped with me! Can you live with an active alcoholic? Would you be happy to? He won't change, he's already shown you that.

If you can successfully detach and be happy with the situation then move in, just don't expect him to change because of anything you do. You only have the power to change you. And, like the saying goes, nothing changes if nothing changes...

:ghug3

AWEDA

It was very painful to watch my exah become homeless.
I knew in my heart it was HIS poor choices in life that got
him there.

Watching someone you love throw their life in the
toilet is heartbreaking.

I knew I had to go on... there was nothing I could do
to save him,believe me I tried everything.
All it did was make my life more insane.

It is not your fault,please remember that.

Mr B

It can be incredibly hard to let go of someone that we feel obligated to care for. Hitting our co-dependency "bottom" is no easier than for the As in our lives to hit theirs.

For me, I reached that point where I lost all real hope that my XAGF would change. I could no longer face the intense feeling of betrayal and loss I felt every time she resumed drinking, and then lied to my face about it, after promising me that she would never drink again. It was a very dark and unhappy moment in my life but letting go was the crucial act that got me pointed in the right direction for my own recovery. From there I went on to realise that if I was stressed, depressed and scared, I couldn't be a good father to our children (and, boy, did they need and deserve some good parenting right then...)

I'm sure it's been referred to here before but I'd recommend you read The Bridge, an allegory about letting go. It made a real difference for me and helped me put perspective on what all the drama and fear was doing to me, rather than having all my attention on her.

Take care,
Mr B.

Barbara52

I have nothing to add other than I know just how hard it is to let go and watch. My xAH is now homeless, living out of his car, sleeping occassionally in the church basement. His choices have led him there. His denial of his alcholism is as strong as ever. I pray he finds his way to recovery but no one can do that for him.

My life, my sanity, my children led me to leave and let his road take him where it will. I know I could not allow him to drag me down with him.

nowinsituation

Mambo Queen - The guilt is overwhelming, it kept me a prisoner for sooo long! I left my AH and our dream house in the country; "knowing" he wouldn't even be able to get groceries because he can't drive (due to disability) and he is miles away from the store. He had NOBODY else either. He couldn't take care of most of the everyday issues of running a house and raising a family --- obviously he COULDN'T, because he DIDN'T; so I DID. I shuddered to think of what would happen after I left -- but I hit my bottom pretty hard and somehow found the strength to leave.

Guess what, he CAN and he IS because he HAS TO. And instead of feeling better about it, I actually feel worse; because I know now he could have been doing more all along and he just chose not to.

atalose

Your getting some great advise and you need to keep telling yourself you are not making him homeless, he choices are doing that.

Mambo Queen

Yes, I agree that I have been getting some great advice, and I am truly grateful for it. I feel that I am getting strong enough that I will be able to go through with a divorce eventually--I'm not sure however if I'll ever be strong enough to cut off all contact with him. He's just so lonely, and I guess I do feel like no one, no matter what their problems or sins, deserves to not have ANYONE to talk to. But, I figure if in a year I am divorced from him and still accepting the occasional phone call from him and allowing him to see his daughter if he's supervised or not drinking, well--that's a lot better than the spot I'm in now. Progress, not perfection, right?

Startingover2

I can relate. You eat alot of crow with family and friends when you continue to take these A's back over and over just to get dumped on over and over. People lose thier patience with us. I hid it for a long time when AH came back right before our baby was born. I swore he quit drinking even though I saw him start to slip more and more. I hid it well. I became a recluse with a newborn trying to save him and my own pride. What a hampster wheel!

I also can relate to them being alone. My AH is facing the consequences of his second DUI, will now be served with child support and custody papers and will probably not make it financially with all of that now. I feel bad, but once again these were his choices to keep drinking and have an affair.

Keep your head up.

FormerDoormat

When I joined this forum 4 years ago, my boyfriend was (based on my research) an end-stage alcoholic. I thought he, too, would have no place to go and would end up homeless if I turned him out of my home. Those fears proved to be unfounded. I turned him out pretty much literally on the street (I drove him to a nearby motel an drove away). He ended up on an old friend's porch (he roomed with him years ago), and he let him in.

He stayed there until he nearly drank himself to death and ended up on life support in the ICU. When he was discharged, the roomie wanted nothing more to do with him, either. So he turned to a former relative that he hadn't seen or spoken to in 25 years. Until they realized that he intended to mooch off of them permanently.

They set him up in an efficiency, rent-controlled apartment where he paid just $500 a month for everything--including utilities. Even then, he could barely keep his head above water. He stayed there for a few months until he drank himself to death with his beloved bottle at his side.

He was able to keep a roof over his head until his death and never became homeless. If an alcoholic is determined to drink himself to death, where it happens makes no difference to them. But it made a huge difference to me. Imagine if I had let him stay in my house and my daughter had come home from school and found him? I could NOT allow that scenario to happen.

That's when it became clear to me, that he MUST leave and he must leave NOW.