Bernadette

OK so here's what's been goin' on Chez Bernadette:

One bro has 30+ days sober, through AA, and next week is entering his court mandated 2 week stint in rehab after 2nd DUI. I haven't physically seen him since Christmas because he is always wasted (although he manages to hold a good job!! blows my mind!!) and I just don't do "hangin' with the wasted brothers" anymore. But we have spoken on the phone and he sounds like a new person. So I am really really happy for him. Fingers crossed, but I'm livin' and let live!!

Now, my little bro - the not high-functioning alcoholic is leaving Chicago where he has lived and worked as a musician for 13 years, and is on a bus, right now, heading across the country to the east coast to live with my Mom!!

Mom's been a widow now and lived alone (but she's super active) for 10 years. Dad was a raging alcoholic for the first 25 years of their relationship and then sober/recovered through AA for the last 20 till he died. Mom is a relentless codie.

So baby bro has packed up 13 years of his life in like 3 suitcases and gotten on a bus, paid for by Mom, to come live in the back bedroom of Mom's house. Because he: lost his job in Chicago (his fellow band members have been in contact with me over the years saying "He's an alcoholic!!! He's f*&^%ing up!!" Yup, I know.) Lost his apartment. No phone, no money, etc. You all know the deal.

Anyway- long story short: I'm worried about my Mom. About her money and her sanity.

And also less important in the long run but really getting under my skin --and I am free to be honest with the less pretty sides of myself here on SR (Thanks to whoever bumped B-52's Dark Side post!!) My mom told me he sold the two beautiful and exquisite musical instruments that I bought him when he was 13 years old....

I always encouraged him in his musical career/expression and was lucky enough when I was in my early twenties to have the dough to buy these two wonderful guitars for him. I was happy to do it. We had a blast buying them together in New York City... I never really attached any "weight" to them....but it was definitely a bond between us...when I found out that he hocked them in the last 6 months for money...I just couldn't stop crying....and then I found myself feeling really angry and wanting to lash out at him???

He didn't tell me this story. I guess maybe one day he will.

I WANT him to tell me. So I better let go of that right???!!

Since he usually plays his guitars at Christmas and at gigs etc. It would be weird for me to pretend he doesn't have them anymore...but---- UGH whatevs...

Help me--
I just think my Mom is insane for bringing this into her house -

I think something is lacking in my tool kit because this kind of thing that is quite commonplace in the lives of alkies is happening and I am FREAKIN' OUT!!
And just generally need to start some kind of paradigm shift -- where little bro is no longer a working musician/working ADULT but is living with Mom??

My Mom was a basket case tonight when she told me all this. Natch - she's been negotiating this trip with him, the alcoholic, for weeks but never mentioned it to me or my sis (the only non-addict family members besides mom) until Little Bro was ON. THE. BUS!!

My heart was literally racing when she called to tell me this. I stayed outwardly calm and just said- well I'm worried about what you've invited into your house and I thnk you should find an AlAnon meeting close by. She got pissed and said "I've lived through this before and I know all about AlAnon!!" So I was like "OK, OK, but I saw what "living through this" did to you and I'm worried!!" And she said - if things get bad she's gonna have to call me and I'm gonna have to come down there and help her!!!!!!!

I was speechless. Eventually I replied, "Ma, you can call me anytime about anything, but I am not going to promise you any kind of response where Little bro is concerned."

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For all I know - for all the serenity I am able to maintain--I'll never sleep tonight...is everything I've learned a sham when a crisis comes and I freak out!!!??

Hope some West-Coasters or you wise overseas folks are up!!!
Peace-B.

Spiritual Seeker

It is your mom's life, your brother's life. No amount of worry on your part can fix, change or control how they are going to live it.

Worry + fear are in the future. For today can you just wish them all the best ?
If ever down the road you learn that your bro is harmful to your mom you can step up. But we only know what we know today.

We are moms always... he needs a place and your mom is offering "home"
This is obviously a bottom for him to be heading home to a room at Mom's.
He is sick and needs help. Right now things are not important to him (guitars)
He is down to his only possessions being his clothes. That's all he can manage.

A wait and see approach is all that is needed...no need for you to take ownership
of worrying about the future.

Can you just be compassionate?

Barbara52

Dang! Life sure keeps throwing curves, don't it?

As SS said, it's your mom's life. Its her choice, not yours. Yet again its time to let go, let God. I know that's easier said than done but it can be done. And so far you are only anticipating possible future troubles. That gives you time to think of how to respond if you need to. It sounds like you already know anyway. You just need to reinforce those tools in the shed.

In many ways, your brother sounds like he is in the same place my xAH is right now. Xah packed up all he could into 2 storage pods and sold or threw out everything else in the 6 bedroom house we had. xAH was going to go to the cyber GF but she apparently woke up and told him no. So now xAH is going to live with his mother in Mass. Not a comfortable situation for a 54 yo man to live with his mother because he remains unemployed and is an alcoholic. Of course xAH still doesn't take responsibility for being where he is. Its mostly my fault of course with a good bit of victim of the world thrown in. But my hope is that he wakes up and sees himself through the harsh mirror of reality rather than the fog of fantasy and denial. I would have preferred his mother (87 yrs old and not in great health) would have said no, but I do understand why she said yes.

Lilyflower

((((((Bernadette)))))) - How are you feeling hunny? Some time has passed now, i sometimes feel better after time goes by a bit.

Spiritual seeker is right and you now the score, you just gotta detach from it all, you don't have to run and help deal with Lil Bro, if your mum gets down on life because she has invited alcoholism back into her home, you can give her some recovery tools. Point her this way, whatever, but you do not need to react.

She has made this decision, it is her deal to deal, not yours not your sister's. If she would've spoken to you about this before hand, you would have told her that you don't want the chaos in your life, so don't take it on now just because she has sprung this upon you. She has made the decision, so unfortunately if this gives her some grief, that is hers to sort out and not yours!

This is going to be tough for you Bern, keep posting for support, and detach detach!

Your tools are still there, this has just shocked your system and bumped you backward a bit, but you WILL come back stronger.

Love and serenity
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

miss communicat

Wow! This is tough on you, and I can understand how you are reeling. You got sorta blindsided by your mom, you hadn't been able to process all the developments as they, well, developed. Just a pantload of ism all on top of you at once!

Each day now, you will get your hands back on your tools,and, yes, you DO have all the tools you require.

You have support and outside perspective from us.
You have healthy self esteem and boundaries for your own health and happiness.
You have the capacity to experience your true feelings: sadness, anger, loss, fear, etc. without minimising or shutting them down. You own your stuff, and let others do the same.

Nonetheless, its painful and promises to be an ongoing thing, rather than an overnight sensation.

This is where we come in.

Stay with us. Let us help you. Compassion, yes. For yourself first. Be gentle on Bernadette. Take care of Bernadette. Spotlight on Bernadette.

Prayers, Love and Tolerance for the still sick and suffering. Spread the message, not the disease. All good tools. How to implement them?

Take it one day at a time hun. Today, is all we have.

((Hugs))

respektingme

Just as you can't force someone to stop drinking, you can't stop someone to stop being codependent.

My stepmother's brother is 45 and lives with their mother. His mother is 75 and works fulltime. He lives drunk in the basement. If he didn't live there, she wouldn't have to work. The situation drives their siblings insane. It's mindblowing that this woman would support her son all these years. Now she's afraid that he might end up homeless if she were to toss him out. Uh, no kidding, he's never been independent. She's crippled him with her enabling. She claims that she'll "never abandon" any of her children. She has to be getting something out of the situation, or she wouldn't be in it.

So, you're probably going to have to disengage yourself from that situation because you can't control it. It's up to your mother. As difficult as it is, only she has the power to change this situation. Just as your brother is the only one with the power to change his situation.

But I can sympathize. While I'm not directly effected by my stepmother's situation, it's just puzzling to listen to her talk about it. Seems so maddening that they can't see their mother retire in peace and actually have vacation time more than 2 weeks a year at her age.

Bernadette

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies. Spiritual Seeker I actually read yours at 3 a.m. before I tried lying down and so I was just focusing on compassion, compassion, compassion. It was very calming Thank You!

I didn't sleep much last night and was in a deep sleep this morning when my phone woke me- Mom freakin out cuz he didn't get off the bus...wasn't in the bus when it landed at the station...

We know he got on the bus cuz his friends in Chicago who brought him to the station literally helped him load his bags on and waved to him from the curb....

Mom asked me to find out exactly what cities the bus stopped in and start calling hospitals... I really do not want to do that. But is that what I should do? Why is my initial reaction to everything in this situation NO NO NO!!

Little Bro has no cell phone.

Maybe he'll turn up here at my place. Is it enabling to give him a meal and a place to sleep for a few hours and then send him on his way if he does ring my bell? I haven't seen him since Christmas....

I could give him the names of some local shelters or what? And just hand him those... and let it go....

And if he doesn't turn up? Not here or at my sister's or at mom's?? Or anywhere?

I know, I know. One thing at a time, one day at a time....

It's really my ability to handle what my mother throws at me that is impaired. With him it is so much more clear cut.

This sux. :praying

B.

LaTeeDa

And she can't do that because...................????

You will do whatever is right, for you, at the time. Try to stay in the now.

Respektingme is right, your mom is getting something out of this. Maybe she thrives on drama, maybe she likes to play the martyr role, who knows? It is her drama, though, not yours. You advised against the whole thing and she basically said, I'll do what I want to. Well, now she has some unexpected consequences to deal with doesn't she?

I wanted to post the story of my brother when I read this thread. I will come back later and do so.

L

respektingme

Bernadette,

I think it is so great that you realize what is going on and realize how susceptible you are to codependency in this situation. You sound like you're right on the money. I think you can decide if you want to help or not as long as you know up front that your actions may not change a thing about your brother, and don't have any expectations.

Recently, I bought my oldest stepdaughter a camcorder and had it sent to her. I really had to check my motives. In the past, I had bought things for her and never even received an acknowledgement that she ever got them, nonetheless a thank you, and it really bothered me. This time, I bought it realizing I may never hear a word from her. But I knew it was something she'd like. Made me feel good to get it for her, period. She did email me a thank you over a month after she got it, but I was prepared for her never to do that.

So, sounds like you are guarding yourself pretty well from being used or taken advantage of. If you want to make him dinner and spend some time with him, that is really up to you.

dolphingal1971

:ghug3:praying You are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your mom.

Barbara52

Then don't. I assume no one has a gun pointed at your head forcing you to begin enabling your brother or mother?


Then he doesn't. Will worrying and wondering change anything in any way whatsoever? Nope. Let it go. He is an adult after all. Let him choose his path.

Lilyflower

I agree with LTD Bern, why can't she do this? She wanted the chaos in her life NOT YOU! So don't take it on my friend! Your brother is an adult living his life making his choices, he will turn up when he turns up.

If your mum is worried she can call around. She is not dumb & she can read, she can talk on the phone and find out where the bus stops. She is putting this on you at the moment, that is not fair on you.

Its so hard to keep in the now, but you are letting your imagination run wild with all these what ifs? What if he has got off the bus and decided to hang at a bar?? It is likely that he is not in any danger at all - just started sobering up and wanted a drink.

Try to relax, keep breathing. Your mum is not being good to you right now. She is doing the codie thing and you are reacting by doing the codie thing!

Step back, re evaluate, get some perspective. I would seriously tell your mum to stop involving you in all this. You did not want it, she did, hand it back to her.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

theotherone

That's a tough one Bernie...I would want to help my mom and not abandon my family, but will I just assist in indirect enabling???? I would have to do what I know is in my own best interest.

Barbara52

One form of enabling is doing for others what they can do for themselves. Mom doesn't need help making phone calls. Mom needs to live with the decision she made and not expect others to rescue her from her own choices. It is not abandoning one's family to set boundaries to protect oneself from the bad choice others make.

theotherone

As I stated it is my own perception of abandonment and enabling...they are asking for my help...do I help or do I do what I know is best for me?? Take what you want and leave the rest! I don't preach ...I just relate my personal feeling.

Lilyflower

I don't feel that barbara was preaching to you, just sharing a difference of opinion. Perhaps sticking to helping Bernedette would be more beneficial than this post? - JMO

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

You asked a question. I gave my answer. That isn't preaching. Take what you want and leave the rest!

LaTeeDa

Okay, so here is the story of my little brother. He is the baby of the family (in more ways than one, lol) at 7 years younger than me and 5 years younger than my sister. He is currently 39 and living with my mom.

When he was in his 20’s he came to live with me and my husband. This was prior to us having children. It was our suggestion in hopes of helping him get his life on track. After 8 months of living with us and working part time at a car wash, we gave him a deadline to get his own place. When the deadline arrived, he moved in with my sister and her husband in another state. They also gave him till a certain time to get on his own two feet, which he eventually did, but came to them every other month or so asking to borrow money. They loaned him money for a while, but he never paid it back, so they cut him off. He actually told me once that he didn’t feel he had to pay them back “because they had plenty.”

In the meantime, he met and got married to a girl with many problems of her own. Having been cut off from the money supply from my sis, he moved back to where my mom and stepdad live. They had two children, and bought a mobile home. It was repossessed less than a year later. Meantime, my grandma passed away, so they moved into her old mobile home. All they had to pay for at that time was rent on the lot, but they still ended up getting kicked out of that.

Two Thanksgiving’s ago, their abusive (on both sides) marriage escalated to the point where my brother beat his wife to the point she nearly died. She drove herself to the hospital (!) and lied about the cause of her injuries. The truth came out under investigation and my bro was charged with attempted murder. His wife eventually recovered, was discharged from the hospital and disappeared. My bro was in jail, so my mom and stepdad went to court and got legal guardianship of his children, now ages 11 and 9.

Mom hired a lawyer to try and get bro off the hook. It worked, I guess, because he only served 1 year in jail. When he got out, he moved into mom’s house.

Last time I talked to him, and my mom, mom insisted on telling me how great he is doing, how great his counselor (court-ordered) is and what a turnaround he has made. When I talked to him, he complained about how bad his life sucks, how unfair it is he has to “help” with his own children, how the whole world is against him, and if only he could find a “good woman” his life would be wonderful. That was when I called mom on Mother’s Day. Haven’t called them since.

Last I heard, from my aunt, he is back in jail. His estranged wife called him claiming to want to talk. He showed up at her place, they got in an argument, she called the cops, and he is back in jail for violating the restraining order. DUH!

I don’t know for sure if my brother is an alcoholic. I do know that communicating with him and my mother is toxic to me, so I don’t. I call them maybe three times a year. I’m considering not calling them at all. It’s sad, but it’s their mess and I don’t need to invite any more messes into my life.

My kids and I send letters to the kids and presents on Christmas, etc. It breaks my heart that they are being raised in such an environment, but it is out of my hands.

My hope is that someday both my mom and brother will deal with their issues and will no longer be toxic to me. Until and if that day comes, I must protect my serenity and love them from a distance.

Hugs to you (((((((Bernadette)))))))

L

bookwyrm

I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.
:ghug3

Bernadette

No news of his whereabouts.
*sigh*
I feel only a little more concerned about him than I would normally - I mean he's probably doing the same thing he was doing in Chicago all those nights I had no idea where he was - so I'm able to just let it go and pray that he's safe and OK.

But Mom has totally flipped her wig.

She's defintiely causing me more stress than the brother!!
Turned off my ringers and am screening calls after telling her pretty much all the advice you all gave me above!! I suggested she go pray - say a rosary, get to an AlAnon meeting. She said she doesn't want to leave her house/phone in case he calls shows up. OK. Her choice. But she's called me 11 times now since 1pm.

UGH.

I feel sorry for her. And I am angry at my bro. They did find his luggage still under the bus!! How bizarre.

Been invited out for drinks tonight to wish bon voyage to a moving colleague. I think the smell of alcohol will make me sick!!

Peace y'all - thanks for all the support and wisdom. NEEDED IT!!!!!! Will need more!!!!
B.