Change4life

I havent been using, but all my behavior would make people think I was.

My life seems more unmaneagble now than when I was using and Im getting really depressed. Starting to fall back into the sleep all day syndrome.

Im still up all night and tired all day. I should be happy happy with my moving and all and i am, but not as much as I should be.

I just got news that a close friend of my has terminal cancer and I just cant deal with it cause I cant go through the similiar situations that go with cancer.

I played at the hospital tonight. I wasnt really all there,but I got through it.

I dont know where all my really doaner feeling is comomg from, but I hope it leaves soon.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Love you all!!,
Beth

gypsytears

Beth.

rurdy2rk

Hang in there Beth. Things will get better, and you know they would only get worse if you used...

Rowan

I'm sorry about your friend. Life happens, and it sucks sometimes. It's new and uncomfortable to deal with these situations without using something to numb out, but they are just feelings. Ride them out, hon. Try to regulate your sleep/wake cycle and force yourself to stay up during the day if you can. I understand what it's like to sleep all day and it really made my depression worse. If you can get out for a few minutes to ride your bike or go for a walk, it might help a little. Keep us posted.

Dee74

is your life really unmanageable Beth?

you can't help your friend being ill, and you can't blame yourself for the fact that brings up a lot of old stuff. None of us is Superman (or Woman)

Ro had some really great advice...and I'd add, if the sleeping all day thing goes on, go to a doc. Depressions no fun.

Great to hear you moved and you're still doing well tho B
Don't let life's curve balls make you doubt you're doing the right thing ok?

This would be a whole lot more unwieldy with you effed up, right?

hugs
D

Change4life

New life same old behavior, its not working right now. I feel like im failing everyome. I miss appointments, rehearsals, work. Not returning phone calls.... Right back into isolation.

I didnt see this coming. I thought I was doing well.

Im really really messed up right now. My thoughts are way too scattered to sort out.

I just keep dissappointimg.... I though that would change!!!!!

Im not dealing with S*** right now.

I guess I will go watch the olympics maybe ill get some inspiration to win for a change

Dee74

Beth

Being sober and clean doesn't make everything all puppydogs and rainbows - we both know that.

But you have to start challenging your thinking - the old way of thinking:

just won't help you one bit.

The times when you're not dealing with sh*t?
You have to make yourself do it - and if that's too hard? you need to consider going to see someone about depression.

At the very least you need to get up off the couch and get outside every day.

You're doing this the lone wolf way and that's fine - but if you let the negative thoughts rule
you, you're sunk.

Just because we think it? doesn't necessarily make it either real or true

You have a new life - where's the new Beth?
D

Change4life

I definetely need to get some help with the depression. I thought I could get a grip on it, but I was very wrong.

The new Beth is still here cause I havent resorted to getting high, and the old me wouldnt have though twice about it.

Dee74

oh I knew you didn't - you didn't swear enough
I wasn't being uppity - or didn't mean to be anyway

you've done so well - but dealing with recovery and untreated depression is a bit much really.

and - recognize that this *is* depression - it's not you failing or anything.

Go see the Doc

D

Aysha

I Agree with the above. I am so glad your not using. Thats a huge thing.
Old behaviors may have existed before addiciton. I dont know.
So your dealing with the addiciton pretty well so far. Now get to the root.
I am sorry to hear about your friend. But life is full of things like that.
Everybody has to experience this sometime in their life.
Its not so much what obstacles we come across. But how we overcome them.
I have faith in you Beth.

tommyk

I know there is no clearcut answer, but it is safe to say the answer wont be found in using.

least

I've been going thru a similar situation Beth. Am sober now for over a month and still having problems with depression. (the depression was diagnosed long before I started drinking) I guess I thought that once I wasn't drinking, my life would automatically get better. Well I'm still dealing with the same old sh!t, and altho the sh!t hasn't gone away, at least I'm dealing with it sober and better able to think.

Depression is a b!tch to handle but drinking/using will only make it worse. I know that for a fact. I'm sorry I can't make it all better for you but I will say I'm here for you and will keep you in my prayers.

:ghug3

Rella927

Beth a lot of great support above..

Change4life

Where are the puppy dogs and rainbows?? I could use both!

I know im depressed, but ai never consider mysel as a person that suffered from depression.

Im noticing more and more how different I am from most. I am totally dysfunctional. Sober or straight there doesnt seem to be a difference so Im thinking I might as well get high. I dont feel like myself. I dont think I even know who me is. Ive been masking everything for so long. scared and anxious. Very anxioussss.

Ananda

Just hang on .... the puppy dogs and rainbows are right there with you, you just can't see them right now. I believe that for myself. I envision the strong me of the past and future are right here with me now (along with my SR friends) weather I can see them or not....

It helps me to say "may i open my heart to give and recieve love" the love and support are there despite how I feel.

keep posting!!!!

winwin

Change4Life- I am sorry you are struggling today. Just know that things will work themselves out. I think we are all a little dysfunctional in ways. Just know that getting high won't make you functional. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Keep your chin up and stay straight.

Anna

Hi Beth,

I think talking to your dr about depression would be a good place to start.

Try to stay focused on your recovery and your move.

Change4life

I had been mediacting for so long I never realized Im crazy. Life was crazy while using, but I would rather live crazy then feel crazy. ALl my regrets from this month have spiraled me into thinking about all the things I regret in the past few years. I though I had learned to let go of the past and move on, but im in a state of self hatred.
Im uncomfortable in my skin and in my mind and Im thinking I need a taste odf something to taste or drink.

Im dog sitting right now and my friend told me to have whatever I want to eat. In my search I found a bottle of tequila in the back of the cabinet. I dont think its going to be here when she gets back.
I need some relief, however temporary a fix it will be.

RobbyRobot

Beth

i'm sorry you feel it has come down to such a bad choice. drinking of course will not even offer a temporary fix. been there, done that. and so have you already .

sorry for your pains, Beth.

Robby

winwin

I hope you come back to us tomorrow and start over Change4life. It is very difficult when you first start. Going back to your old ways will only put off until tomorrow what you need to do today. Just a suggestion but why don't you try coming on here and talking to someone before you pick up again. I have found that there are people here 24 hours a day and they are a tremendous help. Hope you are doing OK and please continue to post.