xxkiwihoneyxx

My alcoholic has been in recovery for the last four months. I discovered that he relapsed last night. Turns out this has happened once before a couple of weeks previously. He had covered up last time and had lied in an attempt to cover up this time as well. Even worse yet.... now he tells me that he's not sure if he wants to be in a relationship with me anymore. I'm heartbroken. I had hoped getting sober was the first step towards a proposal and getting engaged. Turns out we are nowhere near it. It's a double blow. I suppose I have to let go and move on. How can we have a future if he can't stay sober? But I'm devastated. I love this man so deeply, we have a special bond. I don't want to live without him. I know what you will all say.... :codiepolice .... but does anyone else out there understand how it feels to be me?!

OverItNow

I can't speak for anyone else (but I know I'm not alone), and while I don't understand how it feels to be you, I know how it feels to be me and be in your same situation. Except, I did marry my Alcoholic Husband (AH) and have been married for 18 yrs. We have two small children and he is an active alcoholic.

If you had asked me six years ago I would have said it's not so bad, at least I have him and am not alone, we were meant to be together no matter what. Today, I just pray he goes away and if he doesn't, I must begin the long, painful haul to take myself and my children and get away from him.

This way to live is no way for anyone to live. In my experience, my husband's alcoholism progressed where he was the "happy drunk" everyone loved, to the mean, verbally abusive drunk that punches holes in walls, follows me around the house calling me every name in the book and just drains me to the point of *almost* insanity.

I know--I KNOW--what it feels like to be devastated by someone you feel you cannot live without, but I promise you--I PROMISE you--you won't feel like this forever. Take the time to work on yourself (I know that sounds trite, but you need to discover why you do the things you do in order not to repeat patterns you don't want to repeat). Marriage does not make things that are wrong better, adding children to the mix makes a bad marriage worse, throw in active alcoholism--well again, it is no way to live.

I wish you peace and comfort today and welcome to SR.

Startingover2

Run honey...fast. I thought my AH would get better with time and he didn't. He just got worse. You are not married and presumably have no kids with this man. He slipped now and probably will again. If I had to do it all again I would have run for the hills. You can't 'love' someone to get healthy. Its a choice they have to make.

RobbyRobot

Hi kiwihoney,
welcome to the SR forums. Im sorry for your troubles but it is prolly a blessing since your bf is already in recovery and he is thinking that a realtionship may be beyond him just now. That is usually the concensus on relationships in early sobriety, its nothing personal. It seems not like good news to you but it would be worse if you were already enganged or married even. still of course my sympathies hurt is hurt and the pain is felt regardless.

Having said that, there are no written in stone rules for relationships and staying clean. All of us have commonalities and we all have differences that make or break relationships. you're asking all the right questions and you'll get some answers to help out. Take what you need [not just what you want] and just leave the rest, thats the way it works in recovery.

best wishes
RR

Peter

Of course none of us will know what it feels like to be you but I am no stranger to the fiery sting of rejection and I know what it feels like to feel "I cannot live with someone"..... but this of course is a lie. Still I know it doesn't help you to feel any better, in fact only time will help your pain, words seldom help much. Just know that when you come through this you will be wiser and stronger.You do not deserve a an addict for a spouse, you do not deserve someone who will lie to you and try to cover up the truth, you do not deserve someone who will not return your love.

respektingme

Your bf telling you he doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship is probably his inner addict telling you he prefers the booze. Sounds unreal doesn't it? I've been married 16 years to a pretty successful professional. Last year he went into outpatient rehab. He came out and relapsed. Then he told me he wanted a divorce. We have 2 kids and he was telling me this. He wanted the bottle over us, all three of us.