NeedHelp81

Well first - HELLO! This is my first post at this site. It is a blessing that I have found it

I will try and keep this short but I'm sure you all know how this can go....

I am only 21 years old. I met my now XABF when I was 20 and he was 25 - he is now 27. When I met him, he was a very outgoing person, but sort of awkward at the same time - and yes, he was drunk the first time - well the first few times we hung out. Anyway, he was basically couch surfing, had just lost yet another job, and needed a place to stay - so fast forward to now. We lived together for about the last year - for awhile he settled down, wanted a family, and everything was pretty much fine. Occasionally, a few times a month he wouldn't come home - he'd be out drinking with his brother and doing coke, and blowing our money. Eventually that calmed when I turned 21 (only 4 months ago) because we'd go out together. Then we suffered our 2nd miscarriage and things just went down hill from there.

He's started constantly verbally abusing me, then began smashing what has now turned into almost everything I own, and then finally become physical with me. That day I kicked him out - but he ended up at his brothers house - who and all his roomies are self-destructive alcoholics themselves...

I just am not sure what to do! He is the most wonderful man I have ever met and I dream of starting a family together - but with him like this, not now. I have told him I will quit with him, I even got inpatient information from our local rehabilitation clinic - because he actually WASN'T opposed to the idea....

He tells me of thoughts of how he doesn't want to live, and how he knows he's treating me unlike I deserve - but still won't come home anyway....

I just want him back - I feel like I will take the abuse as long I can make him better, which I know is sooooooo pathetic on my part. I just can't stand the thought of him dying - and at this point I wouldn't be shocked to hear it....it's almost expected..

Sorry for that being so long, I just am lost. Please feel free to ask questions, because obviously there's more to our situation, I just don't know what I should tell you in order for you tell help me....

FormerDoormat

Wonderful men don't stay out all night, don't drink themselves into oblivion, don't verbally, emotionally, or physically abuse others, and don't take advantage of young women. Alanon helped me to realize this. Have you tried it?

NeedHelp81

No his mother keeps telling me to go, but she seems like she has given up on him. I know that there is really nothing I can do, that he must make the choice, but I have been trying to offer different options of treatment available.

I should add that he has never been in a relationship before and is horrible at talking about his feelings. I believe that since he has never experienced feelings of love for another that when there is anger he doesn't know how to control it....

deezaldog

You have said enough to know this is a toxic situation waiting to erupt. Under No No No circumstances should you be willing to take abuse of any type to help him out!

You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. You cannot help him in any way to get sober unless he is willing to do it for himself, even then he needs to do it.
My advice is to take care of yourself first. You can attend mtgs NA, AA or any type of support group who can understand where you are coming from. This web site has a lot of information for those seeking help.

Keep yourself safe and sober. Being sober will allow you to think with a clear head.

FormerDoormat

She probably has given up on him, just like I gave up on my boyfriend. I stuck around for 25 years hoping I could change him or make him see the light. It was a monumental waste of time.

sunflowerintx

I cannot judge you or tell you what to do but I read your post and thought :wtf2? Did two different people write that? I mean, you talk about what he is actively doing to hurt you, and then you say he's wonderful?

I've BEEN THERE. It's nuts.

He's your xabf. Take this gift and use it to work on you.

Honestly, babe....why in the heck are YOU tolerating this behavior? Why did I? Because there is something wrong with us that makes us think we don't deserve to be treated with basic human dignity and respect. At a minimum, respect yourself enough to never have contact with this man again.

I'm willing to bet he only destroys YOUR stuff, not his right?

Welcome, and please find a f2f Alanon meeting. You will find hope and strength for you. If your xabf wants help, HE will find it. Don't do the leg work for him - doing it for himself is critical.

((((( hugs )))))

Freedom1990

Don't make excuses for his unacceptable behavior.

Let's see, he was basically couch surfing when you met him and had lost another job. Oh, and he was drunk.

What's wrong with this picture?

Gads I was attracted to the guys like that, my goal in life was to love them into wellness, responsibility, and we'd live happily ever after!

I lived that way for far too many years.

Even after I got into recovery from my own addictions/alcoholism and left the violent psychotic abusive husband, guess what? I still kept picking the sickest ones for 13 more years!

You can sell yourself as short as you want for as long as you want. I certainly did until I hit an emotional bottom and really started looking at me, which was the common denominator in every relationship I had.

Happiness is an inside job

Till you recognize that and work on self until you become your own best friend, even if you don't go back to this guy, you'll pick another one like him.

I'll bet my bottom dollar on that!

DeVon-been there, done that, ain't getting no more t-shirts, thanks

NeedHelp81

I know, I have always picked the ones who needed nursing back to health
I sound like 2 different people writing that because he is! One minute he's the sweetest thing ever and then it just turned into something horrible! Blaming me for everything, making scenes in public, constantly telling himself I don't want to be around, I don't want to touch him. Everytime he drank, he would flinch trying to put his hand on my leg like he expects me to slap him! Are you kidding me?!?! It scares me. I really feel brainwashed.... I'm still sleeping with him too , because I need that sort of attention and I am completely appauled by thought of another man - just to find out his f*cked up issues too....

NeedHelp81

Yes, she has given up on him, and it hurts me. Because although she gave up on him - she still buys him and his brother $500.00 bikes to get around with, and gives them BOTH money, and food when they BOTH have jobs....

Ugh. You all think I'm an idiot don't you?

FormerDoormat

No, just confused and overwhelmed. Eventually the anger will fade, the fog will lift, things will start to look different, and the truth will emerge.

NeedHelp81

I really hope so.....

Astro

Welcome to SR NeedHelp, I hope you do work on your addictions, please give some thought to attending Al-Anon or CoDA meetings.

I don't mean to be critical, but you think this is how a wonderful man behaves? Trust me when I tell you that unless he gets his own recovery, things can get much worse than they already are.

Before I found recovery I was a pro at being verbally abusive, and I was slowly turning the corner to physical abuse. I too was destroying my ex's belongings when she wasn't around, and then denying that I did it.

We also dreamed of starting a family together, so we had two children. For my ex, that dream started to turn into a nightmare as my alcoholism progressed, I was having "accidents" with the children that today I can see as physical abuse. Please don't be lured into thinking that an alcoholic in the throes of his disease is capable of being an excellent father. It's only an illusion.

deezaldog

I do not think you are an idiot. You are writing my story. Today, I have chosen to stay away from relationships other than friendships. I failed at relationships so I do better just being friends.
You cannot help an addict. they have to help themselves. Recovery is not a free ride. Let him do the work.

NeedHelp81

Yes, everytime he has smashed something it has been when I wasn't around - but it was too much for him too deny - I mean there was glass COVERING couches, in our dogs kennel, shelves were upside down, our shoe table was in the middle of the living room instead of by the front door.....

Plus, there has been damage done to my car because he punched it over and over down the whole driver side - I'd estimate about $1500.00 in repairs....

He CAN BE wonderful I should say - no he ISN'T wonderful as of now....I just know he has the potential....

sunflowerintx

My estranged abusive alcoholic husband also has the potential to be a really good man. He, however, lacks the ambition to do the work he needs to do to be that man 100% of the time.

I was with him 19 years and I agree with FD, what a monumental waste of time.

FormerDoormat

Here's something on potential that I posted a while back:

"But he has such potential." "When he's not drinking he's the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know." These are phrases I hear often on SR and two I used for many years until I was able to chip away my layers of denial and see my situation for what it really was.

In his book, "The Gift of Fear," Gavin DeBecker addressed this issue in a way I thought might be useful to others on this forum, so I'll share it here:

One of the most common errors in selecting a boyfriend or spouse is basing the prediction on potential. This is actually predicting what certain elements might add up to in some different context: He isn't working now, but he could be really successful. He's going to be a great artist--of course he can't paint under present circumstances. He's a little edgy and aggressive these days, but that's just until he gets settled.

Listen to the words: isn't working; can't paint; is aggressive. What a person is doing now is the context for successful predictions, and marrying a man on the basis of potential, or for that matter hiring an employee solely on the basis of potential, is a sure way to interfere with intiution. That's because the focus on potential carries our imagination to how things might be or could be and away from how they are now.

Spousal abuse is comitted by people who are with remarkable frequency described by their victims as having been "the sweetest, the gentlest, the kindest, the most attentive," etc. Indeed, many were all of these things during the selection process and often still are--between violent incidents.

But even though these men are frequently kind and gentle in the beginning, there are always warning signs. Victims, however, may not always choose to detect them. I made these points on a recent television interview, and a young woman called in and said, "You're wrong, there's no way you can tell when a man will turn out to be violent. It just happens out of no where." She went on to describe how her ex-husband, an avid collector of weapons, became possessive immediately after her marriage, made her account for all of her time, didn't allow her to have a car, and frequently displayed jealously.

Could these things be warning signs?

In continuing her description of this awful man, she said, "His first wife died as a result of beatings he gave her."

Could that have been a warning sign? But people don't see the signs, maybe because our process of falling in love is in large measure the process of choosing not to see faults, and that requires some denial. This denial is doubtless necessary in a culture that glorifies the kind of romance that leads young couples to rush to get married in spite of all the reasons they shouldn't, and fifty-year-old men to follow what is euphemistically called their hearts into relationships with their young secretaries and out of relationships with their middle-aged wives. This is, frankly, the kind of romance that leads to more failed relationships than successful ones.

The issue of selection and choice brings to mind the important work of psychologist Nathaniel Branden, author of "Honoring the Self." He tells of the woman who says: "I have the worst luck with men. Over and over again, I find myself in these relationships with men who are abusive. I just have the worst luck." Luck has very little to do with it, because the glaringly common characteristic of each of this woman's relationships is her. My observations about selection are offered to enlighten victims, not to blame them, for I don't believe that violence is a fair penality for bad choices. But I do believe they are choices.

- Gavin DeBecker, "The Gift of Fear"

Powerful stuff and tons of useful information for anyone who's ever made poor relationship choices now or previously. This should be on the top of every woman's reading list.

Astro

Try to remember that the next thing he smashes or punches might be you.

For 11 years I verbally and mentally abused my ex. Never hit her though (we're not supposed to do that anyway). But the last time we had a shouting match, I raised my hand to strike her. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of physical abuse too.

NeedHelp81

FD-

Thank you so much.... I didn't and still don't see warning signs from before....I mean I know he is abusive now, but I still don't see anything that would've pointed me in that direction - I guess that's probably the denial the author speaks of.

So basically I should give up on him, too? I don't want to be yet another person who has given up on him. I'm not someone that gives up easily, but he isn't someone who accepts easily either..... so there's my answer....UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mizztake33

Hey there - welcome. My only advice - find an Al-Anon group and work on YOU.
I agree with Former DM - how many wonderful, great guys stay out all night and treat you like crap?

One book that my therapist suggested when I first started counselling was 'Codependant No More' by Melanie Beattie (I think you can pick this up used ,cheap on Amazon.com).

Read the chapter about Detaching With Love. You may even want to check out the rest of the book - it is really good. Helps you to start focus on you - not on him.

Good luck!! Hugs to you.

FormerDoormat

Only you can decide if you should give up on your boyfriend. For me, it was the right (and healthiest thing) to do.