RailDawg

I just found out my girlfriend of 5 months is a meth user. It certainly answers a lot of questions I had about her during this time.

I have known this girl since high school (31 years) and have always loved her although I hadn't seen her in almost 20 years.

I quit drinking 20 years ago but I know through reading that meth is about as bad as it gets.

She doesn't recognize that she has a problem. I know I can't convince her right now to get into a program although I would do everything in my power to help if she would only allow me to do so.

She lost all control about 10 days ago and screamed at me while she was high like I have never seen anyone do. I haven't spoken to her since although I call every day to let her know I am there if she needs me.

This is the love of my life and I have carried in my heart for over 30 years. Am I going to be able to do anything to help this girl?

It's absolutely breaking my heart.

Thanks for any input...

bigsister1982

Oh man... I wish I could give you a hug. My heart goes out to you right now. I could have written almost exactly what you wrote, a few months ago. I was able to detach (unfortunately... not with love) and that has helped me immensely.

There's nothing you can do to allow your girlfriend to help you. I tried so hard, and built up false hopes, but you have to let your gf stand on her own two feet. IMO, you are doing the best you possibly can, by letting her know that you are there if she needs you.

Please remember to take care of yourself. It's so easy to get caught up in the addiction rollercoaster and have the addict dictate how you will feel and what you will do. You can't help anyone get well, unless you are well yourself.

This is just observation, but from attending group sessions with nurses, I learned that alcoholism is one of the most dangerous substances to withdrawl from. Congratulations for accomplishing that, you must be very strong. My family member went through withdrawl from fentanyl (which I imagine would be close withdrawl from meth) and yes it is very, very bad. But it can be done when the user is ready. Good luck and I will be thinking of you.

wooforever

Nope you can not do any until she wants the help. You have set bonderies, or you are going to end up getting hurt.

RailDawg

Thank you so much for the good words. It is amazing how helpless I feel when I know she is on the road to destruction.

Everyone I talk to tells me not to walk but to run away while I can. The problem is that I have thought of this girl almost every day of my life since high school (1977). I could understand if we had just met but for some reason I feel compelled to help this old friend out in any way that I can.

I'm sitting here with the energy and resources to help but unfortunately she won't admit she has a problem. I know I didn't stop drinking until I realized that I was hitting bottom and it was only then I went to AA and finally got away from alcohol. She doesn't realize she is on the express elevator down to the bottom.

Everyone also tells me that I am going to lose it all if I try to help this girl. But I love her so much and I have for such a long time that I sometimes think it's worth it to give up what I have for her recovery.

I'm afraid this addiction is going to ultimately kill her. I have read so much about meth and it is so extremely addicting. If I lose this girl to a drug when I myself have fought so hard against alcohol it will devastate me.

Thanks again for the good words. This has got to be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have never loved anyone more...

outtolunch

If all it took was love, none of us would be here.

Hugs for all of us.

TTOSBT

RailDawg,

I have been sober off of meth for almost 14 years after I put myself into a treatment center. But I have only been sober from alcohol (after 4 years clean and sober, thought I could drink) for 90 days. So I can relate to you both.

I am sorry that you love her but she can not love you back until she finds her way to recovery. She will have to hit bottom and unfortunately you have no control over any of it. I wish you well.

RailDawg

Good point...

RailDawg

All I can do is stand by and wait. It is amazing how frustrating this can be. This is the first time I have been directly on the receiving end of an addiction. Back in my drinking days it was me hurting everyone else.

I haven't spoken to her in well over a week. All I can do is leave messages from time-to-time that tell her I am there to help when she finally needs it.

Good to have this forum. I hope that my girlfriend discovers it and starts doing some reading on her own. I take it though that's not enough for any real change to happen...

ZombieWife

A lot of meth users think they can handle it, that they "just use" to get by at work, to get good energy and they don't need it all the time. Then they crash and you don't see them for days because they can't stay awake and they blame it on "being sick" or "not feeling well." They never consider what it does to everyone else around them.

My Recovering Husband's drug of choice was meth. He is in recovery, but he didn't think he had a problem for a long time. I remember him telling me once, "don't watch shows like Intervention, because it will give you the idea that this is how I am. I'm not." Yet, he was exactly like that. I think the drug gives users this feeling of invulnerability at times, like they can do and get away with just about anything and that it's not hurting them.

Now, he is in constant pain because half a dozen teeth of his are in bad shape due to drug use. He had a heart attack when he was in his 30's. He had high blood pressure that he had just now gotten under control. He had the body of a 60 year old (his doctor's words.)

His mood swings were scary. I remember when I was getting the baby's room ready. I was 37 weeks pregnant and because he was always sleeping off his drug, I did all the work--all the painting, moving of furniture, organizing, everything. There was a desk I wanted out of the room that he kept promising to move. I got sick of waiting, so I moved it myself, out into the living room--where it sat for a week. He even said, "Oh, look at that," one day.

A week later, he went into an uncontrollable rage because he thought I had JUST moved the desk (a few minutes before his tantrum) to "Get back at him" for whatever reason. I told him numerous times that I moved it a week ago and that he even COMMENTED on it. He just freaked out, yelled, screamed, threw things, punched the wall. I was really scared. So, I got in the car and drove around. He finally called me and apologized. I think it was at that moment, I knew something was really off. I had my suspicions before then, but wasn't sure and had never been around a drug user like that. It was a few days later that I searched the basement (where he always hung out) and found his stash of tin foil, cut up straws and glass pipes.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It broke my heart too, though he did get help and stopped using (relapsed twice, but that was over a year ago.) It's a nasty, terrible drug.

Sending you all the support you can take!

8

Done_With_It

I have almost 3 years, not quite but getting there, clean from meth.
Nothing you can do till she's ready to quit, and really you shouldn't
want to anything till she's ready to quit because if you do she'll just
go back to it. Until you hate meth, you LOVE it....
When I loved it, I LOVED it. I knew it was shortening my life span,
but I used to think, but I never sleep so technically I'm still dying
at an old age cuz I will just live as long as I would cuz I don't need
sleep like everyone else...
I "Knew" at one point in my life I could never live again without it.

I had to get to the point where it didn't work for me anymore, where
I didn't like it, and it wasn't fun. If someone would have taken it
away from me before I was ready I would have gone back.
Even days like today when I am feeling fatter than an elephant,
my brain says , just one bag, that is all you need...
But I know better....

We need to do things in our own time.

That was my experience with meth anyway.

I wish you luck and I am sorry you and she are going through this.
Meth is so the devils drug.... I hate it...... I know what she is
going through, it's so hard not to love for those of us who like that
drug....
and like Zombie said, we don't consider what we are doing to others,
well we do, but we think we are not doing anything, actually you think
your helping everyone by being high, your so damn happy, you think
everyone is as happy as you... You just don't get it.... until you get it..

lil516

Wow, Ms Done

this is a very powerful response...
your words truly help me to understand the strength of addiction....
substitute almost any DOC and keep reading!
just when I thought I "knew" how addiction feels along comes this and I read it and say "wow"

Raildawg
I wish I could tell you what you'd like to hear but unfortunately it is true that until your gf is "ready" nothing will change...

it is also worth repeating that love is not enough
my addict is my son and if I could have loved him clean I surely would have (and trust me, I tried!)

I will keep you in my prayers...

rozied

I am so sorry. Meth is a dangerous drug. A friend of mine had a sister-in-law that passed away from a blood clot to the brain, It was from snorting meth.
I hope & pray she sees the light & gets herself some help. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. This has to be her own decision because she wants to.

Freedom1990

Listen to someone who gave up 4 years of her own recovery in the process of 'loving' someone else who plunged back into active addiction-it is NOT worth it.

18 years later he's still actively using/drinking, and married to an active addict/alkie. He didn't care one bit that I had relapsed, nor does he to this day. He married her shortly after I relapsed, and today I can say thank you God because she took him off my hands!

My drug of choice was meth too, and even though I relapsed on alcohol/cocaine after 4 years, I have no doubt meth would have been next had I stayed out there longer.

I have worked very very hard in my recovery this time around and celebrated 18 years clean/sober the 5th of this month. I am active in AA and Alanon.

I have two daughters in active alcoholism.

I love them, but no one, not one single solitary person is worth me giving up my hard earned recovery.

God had a plan for me that even I could not have seen, and today I have complete faith his plan is at work for each of my daughters.

I sleep well at night knowing that, and refuse to get caught up in their disease.

newblue82

Well-said Freedom1990 Excellent advice...

Latte

"I will not love you to death."

That is one of my favorite quotes. I can't remember where I heard it but every time I feel the urge to get sucked into someone's addiction (control, alcohol, etc.) I think about that quote.

My prayers are with you.

IPT

As much as you feel that way it probably wouldn't be worth it. Anyway, even if you could do that it still would not help her

I feel your frustration and pain. I guess you know better than most that a person in this situation has to hit "their" bottom all by themselves. If she doesn't think she has a problem than that is a major issue. My g/f admits she is out of control, and it's just Pot, yet she still has not taken action to get herself well.

Like many have told me before here the best you can do is take care of yourself, set a good example, and hope for the best. Hugs for you my friend.

RailDawg

Thanks for the good words. I have just discovered this forum and it is already proving to be exactly what I needed. All of you are providing some great input. I know all of you understand what I'm going through.

I haven't tried to call her for 3 days now. I'll be there if she hits bottom one day but I can't stand by watching while she still considers meth to not be a problem. Everything I read indicates that this drug is a real beast.

It sure is sad to have to let it go this way. 31 years is a long time and I'll always love that girl... all I can do is wait and hope that this addiction doesn't kill her. What a heartbreak that would be.

Thanks again everyone. Your help is appreciated.

Troubledone

I just wanted to say to everyone - this thread has really helped me with my recent issue - My niece, who I thought was sober for the last 10 months has been dealing and using - again. It helps me to read everyone's perspective becuase for me, I know I need to let go completely. I really appreaciated "I will not love you to death" and "Until you hate meth, you love it". These really help me understand even more what's up with my niece. Thanks to everyone who posts here....

Done_With_It

When I was trying to learn and 'understand' my
own meth addiction I did tons of research to try
and figure out what was going on with me and why
I couldn't stop. Besides SR, these are the two sites
that gave me the most valuable information.
KCI - the anti-meth site - Home
CRYSTAL METH ADDICTION RECOVERY TREATMENT Support Help Ice Jib Crank Speed Methamphetamine Cooking poems users pictures addiction