krhea75

Well my son came to my house at 1 in the am and asked if he could stay. This was after 2 weeks of him being kicked out. His dad was kicking him out as well. Instead of taking this for his bottom, I stuck a cushion under that ungrateful butt of his and in essence said, "it's okay, keep using. I'll be here for you." AAARGH! I could kick myself. I did set some new boundaries though. Back to AA and me or his dad would have to take him so we would know he was going. Well, you know how that worked. It was cramping his style to be taken or picked up. It interfered with his plans. So there's always an excuse.

Tonight I said if he didn't let me take him to AA he could not stay here anymore. He went off on this diatribe about how the divorce (4 years ago) has really messed him up and it's awful how his dad and I aren't setting a good example for him. HA! It was like watching him dredge up any thing he could get his brain around to make me cave. I usually do so he knows me so well.

I feel like i've really screwed up again. He will come back here tonight begging me to let him in. Will I cave again?

Krhea

lil516

You are making progress...don't be too hard on yourself
(it serves no purpose but will allow you to get "down" and be more willing to accept unacceptable behavior)


It's never too late to change your mind
"I've re-thought this arrangement and it isn't going to work"
(our addicts change their game-plan all the time!!)

I am so sorry you are so caught up in his drama...
I've been there and know how painful it is

keep taking baby steps...if you've agreed to something and its no longer a good solution then make a change

its very difficult to be the policeman (driving him to and from meetings)
I was involved in a similar situation 2 years ago...
I drove him to OP three nights a week and sat in the lobby reading a book until it was over....
too worried to even leave and get a cup of coffee or shop etc....
convinced he 'd stand outside and miss the meeting (as if he was actually absorbing anything by being forced to remain in the session)

anyway it was during that period of time that the bottom fell out and I eventually drove him to a shelter....
that time I didn't wait around to see if he stayed...(I count my blessings and thank our HP everyday because he did stay)

please know you are in my prayers...

rozied

Oh Krhea, My heart goes out to you as one mom to another. Keep coming back & working the program & your strength will keep increasing & increasing. Don't be too hard on yourself. I have dealt with an addict ex husband ( After 10 yrs I left & divorced him ) and now I am dealing with an addicted son & believe me dealing with the ex was easier. It is so much harder separating from an addict when they are your child.
If his addiction continues one day you won't cave. That day has finally come for me but it was a long, long time coming.
Wishing you the very best.

beegee

Krhea,
I wish I could say something that would comfort you because I can feel your pain and mixed emotions your having. It is so easy to say do this or that or don't do this but when it comes down to it what do we do? Your doing the best you can and little by little your gaining. Yes your son is using you but then that is what the addicts do best with us moms isn't it/ they know us backwards and forwards and go for the kill. Just one day your going to suprise him and he won't find anymore weak spots. WhooHoo. Then I want to hear you write about that one and see how happy you are about being strong.
(((HUGS)))) Every day in every way I am getting stronger and stronger! Keep saying that to yourself and believe it! Were all with you....(((morehugs))))

greeteachday

Khrea, I really can't add anything to what has already been said. Read Lil's post a couple of times...it says it all. As I read your post and read her response, I remember so well the despair she felt then and shared here and the storng feeling I had that she had hit her own bottom and it may well help her son hit his too. There is hope.

Just like the addict won't stop til he has had enough, and often his recovery comes in fits and starts, I think we too sometimes have to do more "research" to get to the place where we can make steady forward progress in our recovery. I find it so most often in times of extreme stress. When I get tired and worn down, I am slower at reaching for my tools. That's one reason that I make sure meetings are a regular part of my life. It helps keep my own recovery in focus and helps me recognize when I am starting to back slide.

Well, I said I had nothing to add, didn't i, lol I really just wanted to send some support and lots of hugs. Do what you can handle Khrea...you will be fine.

ZombieWife

Small steps. And you are only human!

:ghug2

krhea75

Thanks all for the heads up. I know that I shouldn't be his cop and take him to AA, but I can't help but think it would help somehow. I know, I know. Codie alert. I did tell him yesterday, no AA, no bed at my house. He didn't come home last night. He did go to his dad's. It's like a game he plays, mom get tired of me, I'll go to dad's until she cools off. Then I'll go back and be nice for awhile and she'll be nice and let me come back. Argh! I can see how I'm doing the wrong thing, but I can't seem to change my behavior.

Anyway, thanks for the comments.
krhea

itisatruth

Baby steps......even if they are small and slow, you are making progress.....and one day, those baby steps may become big, long strides......

I have to remind myself as well......keep telling myself to keep taking those baby steps -- it seems all I can do lately.....

PS I hope he doesn't try to use guilt against you again....don't let him; it isn't about you, it's about him. Hugs--

Done_With_It

You didn't screw up you are teaching yourself the lessons you need to learn.

One thing I tell or ask myself when I am about to cave in or I am about to do, like when I want to do meth, I remind myself if I choose to do this what I am about to do is commit spiritual suicide. It may feel good or right for a minute but it is probably the wrong thing to do and I am going to be left feeling empty soon after.

If you stop and listen to yourself long enough, your inner voice will tell you what to do.
LiL was so right, just because you made a choice does not mean you cannot change your mind, we women are very good at that.
I remember when I first was recovering and I called my dealer and then cancelled on him. He was soo pissed. Oh well....

Ask yourself Why should we go out of our way to help someone else if it is going to hurt us.

Love your son enough to let him change himself. You can not make him change. Driving him to meetings, copping him like you said, will not make him change. Let go of your guilt of the divorce. My parents divorced to, they fought over me, in front of me, did all kinds of things to mess me up.
Blah, Blah, blah.. It's up to me now, to learn to deal with it. Cuz they did the best they could and knew how. No one on this earth is perfect, and no one is supposed to be. 8

JMO~