To Marry or Not To Marry....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: hesperia ca
Posts: 1
To Marry or Not To Marry....
Okay...I'm in a serious crisis and I don't know where to turn here. I have been living with my boyfriend for the better part of 3 years now and I seriously had questions about him drinking. I was a single mother of one child of which that child now calls him dad (her father lives in another country and has no contact with her) and I now have 8 month old twins from my boyfriend. It all started to fall apart while I was pregnant. It has been one lie after another. I don't drink he does. Not showing up on the job...fender benders....now a DUI. After the DUI 33 days ago he went on a 3 day binge and then decided to attend a Celebrate Recovery Program. He has been sober, (I have been told by others watching him in the group he has been attending and by him) for 33 days. He is only 23 and I am 24 almost 25. He has admitted his lies and his drinking problem, accepted God in his life and now he wants to get married on Wednesday. I do love him very much and I have been living at home with my parents who are helping me for the past 30 days. Any advice??
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. Keep reading and posting. The stickies can be especially helpful.
What would the reason to marry right now be? Its a very common tactic for alcoholics to rush their partner into marriage.
Marriage can only cause difficulties if you are having doubts about your relationship. It brings all sorts of legal entanglements and liabilities that you do not have if you remain single. For example, if married you would be liable for damages he could cause in his next DUI (not saying that necessarily will happen but throwing it out there as a possibility).
I would sit down and list the reasons to get married and the reasons not to get married and see where that leads you. Do it rationally, leaving emotion out of it.
You can always get married later. But getting married now means if you would decide to end the relationship you would have to go thru all sorts of legal processes. Staying single, you can just walk away if you ever decide to do that.
Personally, I would not marry someone so early in sobriety. 33 days is a drop in the hat. Many advice someone in recovery not make any big changes (such as marriage) til they have been in recovery for at least 1 year. He needs to be able to concentrate on his recovery. You need to concentrate in not enabling his behaviors and in what is best for you.
What would the reason to marry right now be? Its a very common tactic for alcoholics to rush their partner into marriage.
Marriage can only cause difficulties if you are having doubts about your relationship. It brings all sorts of legal entanglements and liabilities that you do not have if you remain single. For example, if married you would be liable for damages he could cause in his next DUI (not saying that necessarily will happen but throwing it out there as a possibility).
I would sit down and list the reasons to get married and the reasons not to get married and see where that leads you. Do it rationally, leaving emotion out of it.
You can always get married later. But getting married now means if you would decide to end the relationship you would have to go thru all sorts of legal processes. Staying single, you can just walk away if you ever decide to do that.
Personally, I would not marry someone so early in sobriety. 33 days is a drop in the hat. Many advice someone in recovery not make any big changes (such as marriage) til they have been in recovery for at least 1 year. He needs to be able to concentrate on his recovery. You need to concentrate in not enabling his behaviors and in what is best for you.
Looking for the silver lining
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
I, personally, would hold off for now. It is so easy to jump into getting married, but the emotional and legal ties are difficult to break if things don't work out. I waited five years before I married my AH...things became more difficult once we became married. We now have been married two years, and I am contemplating on leaving. The emotional ties, legal ties, etc are difficult to contend with. I have had to wrestle alot. When he goes or I go, we don't just divvy up the stuff and leave...we have a legal proceeding to look forward to.
I am certainly not saying that this will be the same for you. You may end up happy. Still, wait....If true sentiments of marriage are there, then they will continue to be whether it is this wednesday, next wednesday, or wednesday of next year. I may not know the whole story, but he sounds a bit impulsive. Even though my AH is not in recovery, I have read enough on this site to know that people who are in recovery tread carefully and reflect...not rush.
Hope this helps....many blessings!
I am certainly not saying that this will be the same for you. You may end up happy. Still, wait....If true sentiments of marriage are there, then they will continue to be whether it is this wednesday, next wednesday, or wednesday of next year. I may not know the whole story, but he sounds a bit impulsive. Even though my AH is not in recovery, I have read enough on this site to know that people who are in recovery tread carefully and reflect...not rush.
Hope this helps....many blessings!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
The only reason I can think of that he would say, "hey, let's get married in four days" is because he thinks he can remain sober for at least that long. Better to "git 'er done" while he's sober, otherwise you might say no once he resumes his normal behavior, i.e., reverts to daily drunkenness.
Here's what I call a gift from my HP:
Richard only proposed to me once. It was around 10:00 pm. It was a nice, warm summer evening, so I left the bedroom window open. Across the street, a young teen was throwing a party while his mom was away. Things got out of hand and the police were called. He and his buddies barracaded themselves in the house and refused to open the door.
So there we were in bed, the music from the party across street blaring, drunken teens running all over my front yard, and the police on bull horns telling the kid to come out or they'd break down his front door.
My boyfriend picked that moment to propose to me (he was quite drunk at the time-surprise, surprise). He took me in his arms, breath wreaking from alcohol and asked "will you marry me?" Then promptly said, "now get your cheesy ass and crusty hole over here and give me some."
Needless to say, I turned down that proposal. A dose of reality like that was a true gift from my HP. But looking back, I should have ended the relationship at that moment.
I thought I was doing the healthy thing by not accepting his proposal. What would have been healthier was to not accept treatment like that from anyone. Today I look back on all that and ask myself "what in the HELL was I thinking?"
Like others have stated before me, marriage is a life-long commitment, so what's the rush? It's always a good move to wait when you're unsure.
Here's what I call a gift from my HP:
Richard only proposed to me once. It was around 10:00 pm. It was a nice, warm summer evening, so I left the bedroom window open. Across the street, a young teen was throwing a party while his mom was away. Things got out of hand and the police were called. He and his buddies barracaded themselves in the house and refused to open the door.
So there we were in bed, the music from the party across street blaring, drunken teens running all over my front yard, and the police on bull horns telling the kid to come out or they'd break down his front door.
My boyfriend picked that moment to propose to me (he was quite drunk at the time-surprise, surprise). He took me in his arms, breath wreaking from alcohol and asked "will you marry me?" Then promptly said, "now get your cheesy ass and crusty hole over here and give me some."
Needless to say, I turned down that proposal. A dose of reality like that was a true gift from my HP. But looking back, I should have ended the relationship at that moment.
I thought I was doing the healthy thing by not accepting his proposal. What would have been healthier was to not accept treatment like that from anyone. Today I look back on all that and ask myself "what in the HELL was I thinking?"
Like others have stated before me, marriage is a life-long commitment, so what's the rush? It's always a good move to wait when you're unsure.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
I'm not sure what the rush is here...???
If it's just that he wants to be with you, you could just move back in right?
Do you find it odd that you're in serious crisis over whether to get married or not? Isn't the decision to get married supposed to be a joyous time? Doesn't that seem odd to you?
I've made some foolish, foolish mistakes and urge you to wait for A LONG TIME. In fact, I think you should wait three MORE years and see how things are. You've put up with his carp for 3 years...pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his words.
((((( Tinnymamma )))))
If it's just that he wants to be with you, you could just move back in right?
Do you find it odd that you're in serious crisis over whether to get married or not? Isn't the decision to get married supposed to be a joyous time? Doesn't that seem odd to you?
I've made some foolish, foolish mistakes and urge you to wait for A LONG TIME. In fact, I think you should wait three MORE years and see how things are. You've put up with his carp for 3 years...pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his words.
((((( Tinnymamma )))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
OMG don't marry him. I used to think that marriage would solve all of our problems. It doesn't. Just makes it harder to walk away. You already have children with him, that is hard enough.
Just sit back and wait. See if he maintains his sobriety. Hopefully so. But if he is anything like my AH he may go a month or two and then fall off.
No harm in waiting. May make him try a little harder too.
Just sit back and wait. See if he maintains his sobriety. Hopefully so. But if he is anything like my AH he may go a month or two and then fall off.
No harm in waiting. May make him try a little harder too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Marrying this guy right now would be a terrible idea.
And I mean, terrible.
God is giving you a big huge clue here: lying? drinking? DUI? Insisting that you marry him now now now? Have you thought about the fact that once you're married, you're tied to him financially. If he runs up debts, runs up DUI charges, and loses jobs, this will throw you into hell. Not to mention: what if he relapses, and you're married, and he gets partial custody of the children? Several of the people on this board have been through the terror of being forced by a court to hand their kids to an alcoholic spouse, hoping to god they don't drive drunk with them or burn down the house. At least if you're not married you can take a wait-and-see with it. Why the rush?
This is what alcoholics do, tiny.
Protect yourself and your kids. He may be one of the tiny fraction that will be sober forever - but you can't know that after a month.
And I mean, terrible.
God is giving you a big huge clue here: lying? drinking? DUI? Insisting that you marry him now now now? Have you thought about the fact that once you're married, you're tied to him financially. If he runs up debts, runs up DUI charges, and loses jobs, this will throw you into hell. Not to mention: what if he relapses, and you're married, and he gets partial custody of the children? Several of the people on this board have been through the terror of being forced by a court to hand their kids to an alcoholic spouse, hoping to god they don't drive drunk with them or burn down the house. At least if you're not married you can take a wait-and-see with it. Why the rush?
This is what alcoholics do, tiny.
Protect yourself and your kids. He may be one of the tiny fraction that will be sober forever - but you can't know that after a month.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
Hi. I am new here. I have been lurking for a few days but when I saw this I had to become active. Please...listen to part of my story!
I have been married to my AH for 19 years. Looking back now, I should have seen the signs. I guess you can say my first clue should have been on our wedding night. After our reception, he wanted to stop at a bar to get more beer. Well, he did and left me sitting in the car in my wedding gown for half an hour! I finally got mad and walked to my brother's house a block away.
See, I never thought he was an alcoholic. At least for a while. I mean, he only drank beer. No hard stuff. Didn't drink every day. Didn't drink to pass out. Hmm. Must be ok.
Fast forward through the years. I worked. He worked. He got done before me. Was supposed to pick the kids up from daycare. Can't tell you how many times I had to leave work early to pick them up because he was at the bar or somewhere else drinking. How about my work Christmas parties where he got so drunk and embarrassed me. Or the dinners with my family that he got so drunk they all got disgusted or made fun of him.
The kids. That's another story. They are 18 & 15 now. When they were younger, they didn't want us to split and daddy was fun. He was funny when he was drinking. Mom was a stick in the mud. Didn't know how to have fun. As they got into their teens, it wasn't so fun or funny anymore. Sad thing is, by then I was so caught up in my codependency that I didn't see the change.
The last couple years, my AH went from drinking heavily occasionally to drinking every day or at least 6 days a week. The few beers a day led to about 7 or 8. That led to 10-12. In April, it was up to 20 and then he took sleeping pills on top of it. By now his relationship with the kids was almost non existant. Same with me. None of us could stand to be around him. We called 911. Had him sent to the hospital. I went long enough to give the insurance information and left him there. Told him we were tired of it. He almost died and still wasn't getting it. He was so sorry and would never go back to that again. We bought it. Or at least tried to.
June comes along and he's sober. Not for long. A day here, a day there. Nothing heavy. Just a few beers. Within 2 weeks he was brought home by the police in the early afternoon. Couldn't even remember why. Here, he had started drinking vodka so I couldn't smell it. Like the smell is the only way you can tell a drunk! Turns out by 12:30 in the afternoon, he was trashed. Tried to drive and hit a parked car (thankfully no people were hurt) and then he drove away. DUI, hit & run and driving with a suspended license. He still has to face his criminal court hearing and find out how bad WE are all going to be hurt by HIS addiction and HIS problem.
He just had his first 30 days of sobriety in AA. He's doing well. Do I trust him? No Am I giving up my life waiting for him to get better? no I am attending Al-anon. I am taking care of myself for the first time in years. I am learning or trying to. I am supporting his work in AA but making it clear that it has to be HIS choice, HIS will and HIS work to get better and beat this. No longer will I be addicted to his addiction.
Listen to my story and remember this is only the fast forward version. Also remember they can be master manipulators and there is always an excuse to drink. I was tired. My knees hurt. I had a bad day. You don't understand me. You don't know what it's like. This list can go on forever.
I have been married to my AH for 19 years. Looking back now, I should have seen the signs. I guess you can say my first clue should have been on our wedding night. After our reception, he wanted to stop at a bar to get more beer. Well, he did and left me sitting in the car in my wedding gown for half an hour! I finally got mad and walked to my brother's house a block away.
See, I never thought he was an alcoholic. At least for a while. I mean, he only drank beer. No hard stuff. Didn't drink every day. Didn't drink to pass out. Hmm. Must be ok.
Fast forward through the years. I worked. He worked. He got done before me. Was supposed to pick the kids up from daycare. Can't tell you how many times I had to leave work early to pick them up because he was at the bar or somewhere else drinking. How about my work Christmas parties where he got so drunk and embarrassed me. Or the dinners with my family that he got so drunk they all got disgusted or made fun of him.
The kids. That's another story. They are 18 & 15 now. When they were younger, they didn't want us to split and daddy was fun. He was funny when he was drinking. Mom was a stick in the mud. Didn't know how to have fun. As they got into their teens, it wasn't so fun or funny anymore. Sad thing is, by then I was so caught up in my codependency that I didn't see the change.
The last couple years, my AH went from drinking heavily occasionally to drinking every day or at least 6 days a week. The few beers a day led to about 7 or 8. That led to 10-12. In April, it was up to 20 and then he took sleeping pills on top of it. By now his relationship with the kids was almost non existant. Same with me. None of us could stand to be around him. We called 911. Had him sent to the hospital. I went long enough to give the insurance information and left him there. Told him we were tired of it. He almost died and still wasn't getting it. He was so sorry and would never go back to that again. We bought it. Or at least tried to.
June comes along and he's sober. Not for long. A day here, a day there. Nothing heavy. Just a few beers. Within 2 weeks he was brought home by the police in the early afternoon. Couldn't even remember why. Here, he had started drinking vodka so I couldn't smell it. Like the smell is the only way you can tell a drunk! Turns out by 12:30 in the afternoon, he was trashed. Tried to drive and hit a parked car (thankfully no people were hurt) and then he drove away. DUI, hit & run and driving with a suspended license. He still has to face his criminal court hearing and find out how bad WE are all going to be hurt by HIS addiction and HIS problem.
He just had his first 30 days of sobriety in AA. He's doing well. Do I trust him? No Am I giving up my life waiting for him to get better? no I am attending Al-anon. I am taking care of myself for the first time in years. I am learning or trying to. I am supporting his work in AA but making it clear that it has to be HIS choice, HIS will and HIS work to get better and beat this. No longer will I be addicted to his addiction.
Listen to my story and remember this is only the fast forward version. Also remember they can be master manipulators and there is always an excuse to drink. I was tired. My knees hurt. I had a bad day. You don't understand me. You don't know what it's like. This list can go on forever.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 169
Please, please, please, please don't do it. Can you hear the urgency? If he loves you today, he will still love you tomorrow, next week, next year. If his love and recovery are a flash in the pan, if you wait you'll know it and you won't be legally tied to him. Wait, wait, wait! We all wish we'd waited.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Idaho
Posts: 47
Hi,
Ok, Here's my what I have learned from living in this reality. The overwhelming drive to lock in a relationship shows that the addict understands what is really going on and wants to find a way to bind you so that you'll not want leave in the future. If you are like me and take those vows to heart, it is unbelievably difficult to even consider dissolving them even though he has dishonored them countless times.
I sincerely wish I had now what I had in the past which was a loving partner who was willing to wait for whenever I was ready (I am not speaking of my husband but of another chance that I turned down).
If he loves you, and you are not ready then it is not the right time. Perhaps it is not the right person, but it definitely is not the right time.
I wish only the best for you. If you decide to go forward, I pray that his sobriety continues and that you have a wonderfully happy life. Listen to what starflier has said, if he loves you today, it will continue tomorrow and into next week, next month, next year. If you can't trust that it will last that long, why get married?
Ok, Here's my what I have learned from living in this reality. The overwhelming drive to lock in a relationship shows that the addict understands what is really going on and wants to find a way to bind you so that you'll not want leave in the future. If you are like me and take those vows to heart, it is unbelievably difficult to even consider dissolving them even though he has dishonored them countless times.
I sincerely wish I had now what I had in the past which was a loving partner who was willing to wait for whenever I was ready (I am not speaking of my husband but of another chance that I turned down).
If he loves you, and you are not ready then it is not the right time. Perhaps it is not the right person, but it definitely is not the right time.
I wish only the best for you. If you decide to go forward, I pray that his sobriety continues and that you have a wonderfully happy life. Listen to what starflier has said, if he loves you today, it will continue tomorrow and into next week, next month, next year. If you can't trust that it will last that long, why get married?
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Wow, what great advice you got here! Listen to it. There is no rush.
You need a man that can take care of you and those babies in every way. He can not do that today. He can only take care of himself and his sobriety. You can not keep him sober. IMO, I would tell him to hold that thought and if he still wants to marry, you will accept his PROPOSAL in a year and then you will PLAN a wedding. You deserve it!
You need a man that can take care of you and those babies in every way. He can not do that today. He can only take care of himself and his sobriety. You can not keep him sober. IMO, I would tell him to hold that thought and if he still wants to marry, you will accept his PROPOSAL in a year and then you will PLAN a wedding. You deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
He has had 3 years to propose so it makes me wonder why now? I would bet it is because you have been gone for 30 days. Now he'd like to get you back and have insurance by making it more permanent.
Not only would I not enter into a marriage that isn't joyously planned together but I would extend my separation to help clear my head and work on sorting out my crisis.
Actions speak louder than words and it takes time to discern the patterns of his new sober life. Then if what you see is what you want for the rest of your life and for your children, you will know without a doubt. It does take about 6 months for the alcohol to clear out enough to begin to think normally. And the program does suggest no major changes for one year. By then you will know the patterns.
Live
Not only would I not enter into a marriage that isn't joyously planned together but I would extend my separation to help clear my head and work on sorting out my crisis.
Actions speak louder than words and it takes time to discern the patterns of his new sober life. Then if what you see is what you want for the rest of your life and for your children, you will know without a doubt. It does take about 6 months for the alcohol to clear out enough to begin to think normally. And the program does suggest no major changes for one year. By then you will know the patterns.
Live
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
When I found out XABF was drinking and lying about it to me I told him he had 2 weeks to gather his stuff and leave...he then proposed 3 times.
He didn't "recover" - he simply proposed...times 3.
He didn't "recover" - he simply proposed...times 3.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey TM ---
After reading your original post, and all the replies, I feel the need to write, but I'm not sure how to w/o possibly offending someone.....sooooo, before I begin, let me just apologize for any offense.
First off, that your bf has found recovery, and has 33 days, well, that's a good thing.....BUT, the "let's get married Wednesday".....??? The first thing that came to my mind is......"...he's wantin' some..."
In some of the other replies here, there seems to be the thought that you could just move back in.....WELL, if he's truly into Celebrate Recovery, just moving back in, living together, that's not gonna happen. Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-based recovery program, with very conservative, fundamentalist, Christian leanings --- therefore NO co-habiting (or sex) w/o the benefit of marriage.....
My question here would be, what's the rush? Most folks in Celebrate Recovery, and the churches who sponsor it, believe that marriage is a very serious venture, not to be taken lightly. In fact, most have requirements to be meet before the Pastor will marry a couple (at Lakewood, there's a course folks take, reading/studying the book "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" (or something close to that).
Perhaps you could check out Celebrate Recovery for yourself....? It's not just for alcoholics and addicts; it's for all who want to recover from their hurts, habits, and hang-ups (that would include friends and family of alcoholics and addicts and co-dependents too).
As to your original question....to marry or not to marry....? I agree with most others here.....what's the rush....? love doesn't vanish with time; it just grows...... (o:
NoelleR
After reading your original post, and all the replies, I feel the need to write, but I'm not sure how to w/o possibly offending someone.....sooooo, before I begin, let me just apologize for any offense.
First off, that your bf has found recovery, and has 33 days, well, that's a good thing.....BUT, the "let's get married Wednesday".....??? The first thing that came to my mind is......"...he's wantin' some..."
In some of the other replies here, there seems to be the thought that you could just move back in.....WELL, if he's truly into Celebrate Recovery, just moving back in, living together, that's not gonna happen. Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-based recovery program, with very conservative, fundamentalist, Christian leanings --- therefore NO co-habiting (or sex) w/o the benefit of marriage.....
My question here would be, what's the rush? Most folks in Celebrate Recovery, and the churches who sponsor it, believe that marriage is a very serious venture, not to be taken lightly. In fact, most have requirements to be meet before the Pastor will marry a couple (at Lakewood, there's a course folks take, reading/studying the book "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" (or something close to that).
Perhaps you could check out Celebrate Recovery for yourself....? It's not just for alcoholics and addicts; it's for all who want to recover from their hurts, habits, and hang-ups (that would include friends and family of alcoholics and addicts and co-dependents too).
As to your original question....to marry or not to marry....? I agree with most others here.....what's the rush....? love doesn't vanish with time; it just grows...... (o:
NoelleR
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