starflier

Just had an hour-long conversation with my AP. We started off just talking about how little we've seen of each other lately, and one thing led to another. We talked about our finances, and how there's no way around selling our house. Then, we started talking about what would happen afterwards. That led to me saying that I think I just want to get an apartment. Once she understand that I meant an apartment on my own, she kind of blew up and said, "So, you just want a divorce? I've already told you that I understand you're forcing me to quit drinking! What more do you want?"

I was instantly glad I'd spent so many hours on this board. I was able to calmly diffuse the situation by saying, "That's exactly what I don't want to do. I don't want to force you to quit drinking. I understand that's something you need to do on your own terms when it's the right time for you." I told her that I hated being in the position of saying that if she wants to stay with me she has to quit drinking, but there's really no way around it. It's not about what she does, it's about what I need in my life and that I've reached the point that my life can no longer include a drunk partner.

I spent about half an hour talking about what I'm going through in my therapy, and how unhealthy I've been for so many years to the point that my therapist remarks about how I'm able to relate extremely painful experiences in my past with no emotion in my voice. I have gone through so much pain in my life by totally disregarding my feelings. Just plowing through, burying my emotions, and surviving. I am now trying to attach who I am today with what has happened in my life, and literally experience true emotions for the first time. My AP listened very respectfully as I explained all this. I told her how very much I love her, and how much I want the "perfect" life for us, but how I'd reached a point that I knew we could never have that life unless we both become healthy.

I didn't attempt to extract promises from her, and she didn't try to give me any. I told her about my participation on this forum and how helpful it's been to understand that so many people are struggling in such similar ways with the same problems. And, how obvious it is to me that I cannot successfully detach from her without beginning to lose respect for her. I told her it's already started happening; she told me that she's already seen the signs. I also related what I was told here, that I really have no business demanding that she stop drinking, especially if she feels that she still has some more drinking to do.

When I explained that I thought we should go our separate ways for a year after we sell the house, and see how we feel after a year, even though she was crying she said she understood.

I don't know what the end result of this conversation will be, but I feel as though we made a real breakthrough in understanding each other. It was much easier on the phone than it would have been in person. On one hand, I feel a profound sadness. On the other hand, I feel a real sense of freedom.

isitme

How powerful!! Thanks for sharing.

Barbara52

What a tough conversation that must have been for both of you. But, wow! You did great!

GiveLove

Starflier, your recovery is shining so bright, I think I need shades in here

Hugs to you
GL

miss communicat

Wow.

I have learned quite a bit from you Starflier. I see some of myself in your process.

Owning your own pattern, and contribution to a relationship dynamic with no shame attached, is just exhiliarating. I can understand why you feel liberated and also the grief over what is ending right now.

starflier

Yes, it is very sad. My AP didn't say as much, but I actually felt like she respected me in a new way for what I was telling her. I told her that I didn't see the usefulness in rehashing our past; 18 years is a long time with a lot under the bridge. She agreed, fortunately. That's what we've always done, allowed our conversations to degrade into a contest of who can bring up the most grievances against the other. Obviously, nothing ever gets resolved that way.

Just now, writing the previous paragraph, I was thinking about a time, not quite a year ago, when I had moved out onto the couch for the night, because she insists on sleeping with the TV on and I can't handle that. In the morning when I went back into the bedroom, I thought she was sleeping because I saw a shape in the bed that looked like her curled up on her side. I went into the bathroom and got ready for work. When I came back out into the bedroom, I said good-bye to her. Usually, she at least sleepily raises her hand and blows me a kiss in the morning, then we talk on the phone later after she's awake. That morning, there was no movement at all. I leaned in closer, and realized there was no breathing sound or motion.

Just about a month before that, one of our best friends had died in her sleep. We didn't hear from her for a few days after she'd been at our house for supper, so I insisted we go check on her. I found our friend dead in her bed. A truly horrifying experience.

Of course, that experience was fresh in my mind at this point, and I simply burst out crying. I reached over and pulled back the blanket. My AP had decided to go out in the middle of the night, and thinking that she could fool me, she'd arranged pillows under the covers and organized the bedding to look like she was still there. I was terribly angry, and extremely hurt at how little she cared about me, knowing what I'd recently gone through. It was so clear to me at that point that I came in a distant second to her addiction.

How can I compete with that truth? I have spent so many years pretending and fantasizing, and I simply cannot do it any longer. It's a sad, sad situation, but an amazingly freeing one as well.

starflier

Quick update: I came home from work and my AP was terribly distraught. Big, heaving sobs, totally drunk. She was trying to cook a dish for me that she thought I'd like, something with zucchini but couldn't figure out what purslane was, as the recipe called for it. "I try to make something for you, and I don't even understand the ingredients in the recipe! No wonder you want to divorce me!"

OMG, how do you deal with that? I sat down on the couch with her, tried to rub her back, but she didn't want to be touched. I told her I loved her, and sat next to her, and she told me she'd called a realtor to come by and talk to us about the house. Of course, lots more crying. I just sat there. What could I say? Eventually, I told her that I needed to run some errands and she just sat there and cried.

When I came home, she was passed out on the bed. Snoring. I love her so much, but man, this is sad.

anubus

Wow, it sounds like you said everything perfectly!! I wish I had the same communication skills!! Perfectly non-judgemental and well versed!! I wish the best for you......I know you love her. And having that talk must have been REALLY hard for you......but :ghug3 you did wonderful!!!!! Best wishes on the outcome!!

bookwyrm

Just wanted to say how well I think you handled everything. Its such a difficult situation but you seemed to have been able to sidestep all the drama.
:ghug3

Impurrfect

(((Starflier)))

I think you did awesome! Yes, it is sad...especially since she continues to drink. But when we've had enough, we've had enough. For me, it made it just a wee bit easier to keep moving forward...it still hurt like heck, but I knew, in my gut, I was doing the right thing.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

McKrazy

I think that as hard as the last 18 have been, the next few weeks may even be tougher for a bit. I'll be praying for you. I'm a believer in the idea that there was a reason that alchohol used to be referred to as "spirits", and have recognized how significant the "spiritual battle" can be when one person tries to break out of the cycle. The pressure can be amazing, but you sound so strong and determined. Keep those who support you close right now.

I've always looked at my relationship with my AH as such an intimate dance where we knew the steps without thinking. He'd do one thing, say one thing, and I would do my thing and it was automatic and graceful in an ugly dysfunctional way. When I started to change the dance it became uncomfortable and awkward, but I was at least out of the stupor of autopilot.

Your wife will have to now take steps of independence and face her own consequences. How painful. She'll be doing what all 18 year olds have been doing since time began, she's just going to have to do it at a much older age, yes?

Please keep posting how things are going for you and how you are continuing to grow and change.

Prayers to you.

Tazman53

As a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that if she is to stand a chance at recovery what you are doing now is best for her. I needed to face my disease and all of the consequences of it head on and alone, no one to help me or possibly help me with anything in any manner. This allowed me to find my bottom, which led to my recovery.

starflier

Thank you. I needed to hear that today. I'm just sitting here at work, having a hard time concentrating. My heart is breaking but I know you're right. Sigh.

starflier

That's a good way of looking at it. Two people dancing this intimate dance, so well-rehearsed that it's unconscious. Then, one of them changes the steps, alters the rhythym. The music stops. Very powerful analogy.

Reddmax

I know exactly how you feel. My heart is breaking too. Even though she's hateful, mean, drunk, and totally useless most of the time, I remember. I remember the good times, the not so good times and how we were there for each other's support.

You come into this life alone, and you exit it alone. The time you spend in this universe is defined by what you experience. As my therapist said, the pain you avoid does not teach you anything. The pain you experience gives you wisdom.

I wish I could talk to you and tell you I understand, and it will be alright. Just remember someone is thinking about you.

starflier

You just did! Thank you. I appreciate it. Please know that I think of you often, too, and wish with all my heart that there was some way to avoid the pain and still get the wisdom. I know you know what I mean.