bookwyrm

I feel like such a fool.
My AH came in from work via the pub tonight. He started off talking seriously to me but then it degenerated fast - he was trying to pick a fight. Telling me he's a victim. That I've never been there for him. That everyone thinks he is such a b**tard. That his problems have nothing to do with alcohol, it's because everyone has abandoned him. He hoped I could sleep at night knowing that I'd done nothing to save my marriage. Everyone blames him!!!

I asked him why is he doing this? Why is he attacking me verbally? Why rehash things - we both agree we'll seperate as soon as we can sell the house. I didn't engage in the fight (blood was streaming down my face from my bitten tongue though) but I know I should have just walked away when he started.

He lost it and threw his laptop away. (broke it but that isn't my problem - except when he will want time on my desktop) Then he seemed to get a grip of himself and calmed down. He said 'you know I'm in love with someone else, right?'.

Actually, no I didn't. I'm a blind and trusting fool. Told him I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't even want to look at him so went upstairs.

I'm not sure which of his female friends it is, but I think it has been going on for almost a year. I've just trusted that he was just good friends (ie, drinking buddies) with her.

All this time, I've been trying to get along, not play the blame game and keep the peace till we could sell. He's done damn all about getting the house ready to sell. I've tried to forgive him, to let go of the anger see it from the alcoholic's side and let go. All this time I thought the deliberate attempts to hurt me were due to the disease and the way he felt about it. I could have some sympathy for it and put up with it for a while. Turns out he was just feeling guilty about the other woman and wanted me to be a bitch so he could feel better about betraying me. And it started BEFORE he totally lost control of his drinking.

I'm so angry.

He's back out at the pub. Guess his work here tonight is done. How could I have been so stupid. I can't seem to stop crying. Damn. I was leaving anyway. Why does this hurt so much? I'm an idiot. I still loved him. I had faint hopes that he would get sober once I was gone and that maybe there would be a future for us. Three times a fool....

Don't know which of us I'm most angry with. Now I think that this is the last straw. Don't know if I'll be able to tolerate him and I won't miss him! ::uzi2:

theotherone

First..you don't deserve this...you are better than all of this.

I have to say...your emoticon is very strong and empowering. It's good to be angry...just don't engage...don't let him do that to you...you are strong and will come out a winner in the end. You are not an idiot...you are a person who deserves a hell of alot more than what you have. He knows you are at the end and will do whatever it takes to make you better...he's scared. Just my opinion.

Barbara52

I am so sorry this extra pain has been lain on you. {hugs}

You may want to consider getting tested for STDs just to be safe.

Rainbowsend

You've done nothing to save your marriage? That's a bit rich.

Although this is very painfull now you will be able to use your emotion. It will strengthen your resolve to do whatever you need to do for you, I know it did for me when I was confronted with something simillar

FormerDoormat

When my ex-boyfriend showed his true colors, I often let it get the best of me. Now I realize these glimpses into his soul were gifts from my HP that helped me stay on track and end the relationship. Sometimes I look back on the past 25 years and say to myself, "what in the world was I thinking?"

isitme

Actually, you kind of did know this.. only it has not been the someone, but the something. His drinking or drug of choice...

I know that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sorry your going through this right now, but just remember you deserve better.

HUGS

starflier

So very sorry you're having to experience this pain. Very unfair! But, sometimes it takes this level of anger to be able to get through all the steps of separating. It's worth it!

Blondie

Sorry you're feeling bad right now. They just seem to know what to say to hurt us the most. I guess they do that to make themselves feel better, but who knows. I think you are right that he probably felt guilty about the other woman and wanted you to blow up so he could point a finger at you and leave without feeling guilty. But, then again, trying to understand their motives will drive you crazy.

Bernadette

Oh Bookwyrm--
Holy Cow! Horrible, horrible scene.

I was passive about ending my marriage. I knew I had to get out I just didn't know how was it all gonna unravel? Years of thinking like that. The day he flipped out and started breaking stuff around the house I had a clear as a bell thought: "Oh. So THIS is it, this is how it ends."

And that was it. Game Over.

You're not stupid...don't beat yourself up with insults...in time you will find the more accurate descriptive words to help you understand why you went through this and what you learned....

Right now -easy does it - you sound pretty fired up, as you should be, just don't burn YOURSELF!!

I agree 100% with Anvil here--
(((hugs))) and more (((HUGS)))
and praying for your strength!
Peace,
B.

i4getsm

I think we had this conversation awhile back related to "deal breakers". For most of us infidelity is a "deal breaker" and probably the only one we ever really had. Through all of the alcoholic stuff, I stayed...kept hoping against hope things would change. Then when I found out about the calls to escort agencies and local single hotlines...well...that just flipped me out. That is the thing that really forced me to take an honest look at the man I was married to. It solidified a lot of things for me. Helped me walk away from it.

If nothing else, I hope this gives you the "eyesight" to see clearly what you may not have seen before...to truly see your relationship for what it is right now...today. It may be an ugly sight, but for me, I needed that honest look in order to walk away and feel like I was doing the right thing for me and my kids.

(((HUGS))) I'm really sorry that it happened and that you had to find out this way.

gns

As painful as this, it is gift. You won't be holding on anymore.

I held on for 8 months after my ex left. It wasn't until I realized he cheated on me that I realized there was nothing left to hold on to, and finally let go.

Life will only get better!!

bookwyrm

Thank you everyone for your support and kindness. I love this forum - it has helped me so much! :ghug2

I will make good use of this anger to give me strength to sell the house and finally leave. Stick a fork in me, cos I'm done.

I'm just not sure how well I'll be able to stay detached. I need to remember (from another thread) progress not perfection.

Lilyflower

Bookwyrm, how horrible, another blow. Use this to fuel yourself.

The grief process is kicking in. There are 5 stages of this process
Denail, Bargining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance. We all bounce around these stages when faced with any type of change or loss.

Sounds as though your A has gone through the denail that there is anything to worry about in your relationship not believing you will follow through in ending it, and has now arrived at anger because he is realising you are. And he is really thrashing out. Hurting you anyway he can. Why tell you this when you are splitting anyway? Only reason is to hurt you, and he is resisting the change instead of accepting it.

The A's seem to do this when they sense the end is nigh. Granted, though not always admitting this type of betrayal. Toward the end my exabf turned very nasty to me. He went through denail and then straight to bargining with me. When his attempts to cajole me didn't work, then he turned nasty, telling me what a selfish b**ch I was, how I had never loved him, I was abandoning him etc etc.

This new revelation could spur you on into your own acceptance of the end of your relationship. From what you said, it sounds like you still carried a small hope inside you that he would see the light once you had left, perhaps this was you barganing?

It has been helpful to me to understand this process, so that when I am acting, feeling certain ways, I know where abouts in the cycle I am, and if I am fully accepting my reality, or still attempting, if only a little bit, to affect the outcome of my choices.

((((((Hugs))))))) to you, I hope you feel better soon, keep moving forward for yourself.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pajarito

(((Oh Bookwyrm))) I feel so very badly for you. I experienced the same thing- twice. Please try not to tell yourself you are stupid. You believed in love, in your marriage. The first time this happened to me I wanted so badly to believe he loved me and that it wasn't so bad- but I look back now and realize it was bad- horrible. I endured 10 more years with this man- lying, hiding, arrogance, bitterness. . . what for?

Unfortunately it took another incident with a 3rd person for me to finally see that I could no longer deny all I had been denying. I am sad I put up with years of this man's crap. I don't understand why they spout off either- the hurtful comments are something I will never forget. To have to deal with alcoholism and then on top of it infidelity and the comments? It's excruciating. Take care of yourself- let the anger propel you forward. You are a lovely person with a good heart- you are not stupid. You gave yourself to someone who did not deserve you. Painful, but that realization will hopefully help you to get better so your future choices are all about taking care of you first.

Reddmax

It's a terrible thing when trust is broken. What makes it worse with Alxoholics is that they don't ever take responsibility for it. They deny, deny, deny, and then explain that it wasn't that important, or nothing happend. It doesn't take much to ruin a partner's emotional and mental life. These actions do it in a second.

queenteree

(((bookwyrm))) Consider it a favor that he's in love w/his "drinking buddy", it relieves you of the burden of dealing with him for much longer. Let her have him! Trust me, in a year, she won't want him! Grieve, which is perfectly normal at the ending of your marriage, then put your best foot forward and go on to sell the house. You deserve so much better than this. And as FD said, in a year or so from now, you'll look back on all you've put up with and say "what was I thinking?" I'm praying for strength for you as you go thru this, and I know it will all be OK for you.

dolphingal1971

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Maybe turn all your anger into something positive for yourself. That way he can't win and hurt you even more.
You will be in my prayers. :ghug3

Silverberry1331

My prayers are with you. Reddmaxx is right. They don't take responsibility...My AH does the exact same thing. I realized that I can never do enough to save him...my love is not enough. The only thing we can do is be responsible to ourselves, love ourselves, and focus on our own recovery. We are all here to support you!

bookwyrm

Thank you everyone for your support. This site has made such a huge difference in my life!

Last night was difficult. My AH was in the pub when I got home and came home from work drunk. He said he was in the pub because he couldn't face coming home!

He was very apologetic and wanted to talk about stuff but I said I didn't want to talk about feelings etc (especially when he's been drinking - something he knows I don't do). He kept trying to talk to me about it though and apologising but I stuck to the principal and gently reminded him that I didn't want to talk about it. It was so hard not to respond with anger. It was difficult not to engage in a round of recriminations and drama. But I did it. Cried a little when he wasn't in the room but got it under control. I managed to chat about our work etc and keep things light.

He keeps apologising though. I haven't replied to his apologies except to occasionally say, 'I know'. He wanted a hug which he kinda got. Then later wanted me to drive him to the shops for beer - again something I don't do! - and was a bit sulky when I wouldn't.

So looks like a truce has been reached. Don't know how long it will last. I will no longer put up with any more verbal abuse from him. My patience is about done! I don't believe the apologies, nor do I believe him when he says he doesn't mean to deliberately hurt me. Hope the truce can last about a month which is how long I think it will take to redecorate and tidy up for selling the house.

Thanks again everyone. :ghug2 You're the best.