sodetermined

Well it's been awhile since I've posted, just giving an update.

ABF got out of jail, I had packed all of his things, he came to get them. Not without conflict/tears. Then over the next couple of weeks, we did the song and dance that codependents/alcoholics do. But I stayed strong, refused his many requests to "come home".

Then I decided to give him a chance. That wasn't without it's stumbles. I think he was testing me, to see if I REALLY meant what I said. We were invited to a bonfire, where he promised not to get drunk. Well, long story short, he got drunk, so I went home. The good news is, I didn't act like a crazy out of control person in front of everyone. I just left to come home. The next day was him apologizing. I felt very good about the way that I handled things, I didn't yell, try and control, anything. I just told him that he has fun doing that stuff and I don't.

Well a couple more days pass, and I decide to give him another chance. So we are trying to work on things, only Chris has drank on the weekends, no more than six beers. Nothing during the week at all. His attitude is pretty good for the most part, and I am still continuing to work on my issues as well. I'm still attending book study, reading my books, working out, trying to do the same things I did while he was in jail.

I mean everything I have read about/learned, an alcoholic cannot "cut down", but he seems to have cut way down. I can tell when he is wanting to drink though, because his attitude has changed. Yesterday and today he was grouchy. When I ask what is wrong, or point out that he seems grouchy he says "I'm not grouchy", very defensively. But his attitude is not the jolly happy Chris that it was the day before. So I am having a hard time not letting his grouchiness affect me. I'm upset because it brings back all those old feelings of feeling trapped/helpless. So today I decided I needed to come and read on SR, listen to some Joyce Meyers, and really pray about this stuff. I don't know, I guess I'm just venting. I just realize that for me, this is dangerous territory. I have to be careful not to slip back into the very codependent thinking, and being caught back up in a cycle.

I mean, if he is not able to see that he is being grouchy, and in need of something, whether it be AA, prayer, SOMETHING......I'm just so afraid that the drinking will come back. And even if he doesn't drink, this attitude of his is no different than when he was drinking.

He says he wants to change his life, and change his ways. I just wonder if he's doing that mainly to keep me in his life.

I guess there is positive in all of this, things have drastically changed from the way that they used to be. I think with me setting and STICKING TO boundaries, Chris knows that I will no longer be his personal doormat.

sadandhopeless

I do not believe an alcoholic can cut back either - I think eventually it leads back to the original pattern cycle. Take care of yourself and continue to do things for you. We are hear if you need us.

I would think the grouchyness means he is looking to drink, from my experience with my AH. Happy one day and miserable the next.

Barbara52

The drinking hasn't left yet!

Is he living with you again or is it that you are seeing each other?

Have you forgotten why you kicked him out? Has anything really changed with him? It doesn't sound like it. He's still drinking, not in recovery, making empty promises. Saying he wants to change is just hot air if not followed by action.

sodetermined

Wow, talk about pointing out the obvious. That made me laugh, even though it is not funny at all. I guess I mean the way it used to be....getting drunk every night, not coming home so that he can get drunk, etc.

Yes, I am allowing him to live with me. He hasn't moved all his stuff back in yet. And he has changed, or seems to have. He seems happier, more responsible, he's been doing a lot to help around the house, turning down invites to the bar to do family things, etc. He hasn't been hanging around his drunk friends AT ALL. He seems to be making better choices. Seems to be putting the relationship first. He is more respectful.

Our household is more calm/peaceful. But as I said, yesterday and today, well that was the old Chris. And it's true, it's like he's bipolar. On cloud 9 one day, loving his life without alcohol, miserable and needing a drink the next. But he won't admit to that. He's still not willing to deal with the crap.

Just keep on keeping on...working on me.

Barbara52

Walking right back in to what was before intolerable is an interesting choice. {shrug} To each their own.

FormerDoormat

The way I see it is that things haven't changed for him; he's still drinking. And things haven't changed for you, either; you're still accepting unacceptable behavior from an active addict and still short changing yourself. But the good news is that you're still working on yourself and when you're ready you can change all this.

prodigal

Bingo!!!