butterflylover

Hi everyone. I usually post on the Substance abuse forum for my Lortab dependence but I have posted here as well.

I suffer from major depression, OCD, anxiety, seperation anxiety, and Bipolar disorder...so they say. One psychologist said I have PTSD. I don't think I'm Bipolar because I NEVER have manic episodes. I also have Arthritis/joint disease in my lower back that's very painful.

I've suffered from the depression since I was a kid but wasn't diagnosed until I was 17 or 18. The OCD has been there since I was a kid as well. I obsessed that I was gonna catch HIV for a period when I was younger, I thought a serial killer that I saw on tv was going to kill me and my family, and one summer I thought a tornado was going to kill us too. This was all when I was about 6-11 years old. I'm just sooo depressed and my OCD is in FULL swing. I had a horrible childhood. My parents divorced when I was 5, my house burned down during that same year, my mom was an alcoholic, and I had to watch my mom get beat by my step-dad. I feel like I'm not normal nor will I ever be. I can be driving down the road and look at the people passing thinking "They look normal. They look happy. I bet they're enjoying life and are being carefree". Why do I do that? Am I the only one that does? I'm on disability. I've never been able to hold down a job for longer than maybe 2 years. I'd cry as I was getting ready for work, cry at work, and on my way home. I just want to be 'normal'. Whatever that may be.

I'm so sick of constantly worrying. I wake up in a panic every morning. And when things are going good I really start obsessing. If it's going good then something bad is about to happen. I've been on at least 6-8 anti-depressants with no success. I've been to a therapist twice. I know that's what I need.

I'm not jealous of 'normal' people. I just want to be like them because they don't appear to worry as much. I want to worry about real things like money, bills, everday life, etc...not the past or the future. For instance, if my hubby or friends have something bad happen, they just go with it. Now, if the very same thing were to happen to me, I'd be obsessing till there's no end.

Okay, I've rambled enough. I just had to get that out. So, is there anyone that thinks like me, lol?

Thanks for listening

historyteach

Hi, Butterflylover;

I'm not OCD, so, I don't have those same problems. But, I've suffered depression. And I know that I have to be vigilant about taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually in order to be at my best. It's a tall order for sure, especially if I've lapsed. But, you can start by picking one, and building up by adding one more at a time.

I honestly think that the physical piece is the most important; eating nutritonal foods, laying off the junk, and getting enough exercise and sleep. You'll find immediate benefits right away with just that. Thereafter, add on the others in which ever order you find most appealing. That way you'll be most likely to stick to it.

I'm sure others will come by to share their own ESH. I hope this helps.

Shalom!

shutterbug

i have most of those labels and know tons of others personally who also do.

I too am bipolar, and i too have never had a manic episode. HOWEVER, that is because i am bipolar II (not bipolar I) which means i only have experience hypomanias.

Hypomania....simply feels good and happy and ....more energy.

it's often quite hard to pinpoint......since it simply just feels so good and great to the person.....until they drop.

That's when the depression hits.
That is the first thing that the typical bipolar "thinks" has been going wrong.
But, the depression comes after the hypomanias......and most bipolar IIs are the bipolar types that go so far down (instead of the other type that has most issues with going too high instead) that it goes into a major depressive episode.

first major depression usually happens around college age.
my second one hit me 7 years after the first (which i hadn't known what had truely been going on in college other than i was sick and the docs were all stupid b/c they kept giving me anti-biotics and sending me home).

------

one last thought....i see mental illnesses much like how my new therapist views them.

That none are so cut and dry that we can say....i'm bipolar II, with rapid cycling, end of story (which was what i thought my 'diagnosis' was for quite a while).

the more i learn about everything....the more i can see that mental illness is as different as each of us are different from each other. Each bipolar I or II doesn't experience everything exactly the same as the next correctly diagnosed person.

And.....if there's one.....you're pretty much guarenteed there are at least a couple more mental health issues for each person with a mental illness to be ultimitly diagnosed with multiple diagnosis.

and you can see that symptoms from one, like bipolar, flow easily into other issues like OCD.

So the truth is, IMO, that "mental illness" is the only current and totally correct term for any of us struggling with these things.....and that everything stems from that with as many varieties and numbers and directions as rivers and streams stemming from the same ocean.

just some thoughts from a sleepy mentally ill person (who tried twice tonight to go to sleep after 36 hrs awake, but couldn't make my brain shut up). lol

p.s. i agree....finding a good therapist you like and seeing that person as often as possible (idealy once a week), is a great step to try and put into movement for yourself.

p.s.s. i current psychiatrist recently put me on a fairly new med called "Luvox" b/c he thinks it will specifically help me with my obessing issues. After a couple weeks, the jury is still out and i'm still not on optimin dose levels yet either.

p.s.s.s. So yeah!!! I can personally relate to everything you have said here.

butterflylover

Thanks for the input. It's nice to have people that understand.