Omm anomanom

So now he's got the message, about reverse charge calls. I was refusing them, so he got himself a couple of nights at a motel, and was ringing, alot. No more fighting, about anything. He keeps going on, about not having any motivation, to set his life up, so that he can be available to me or his children. I have no intention, of moving from where I am, at the moment. Good job, ok house, keeping it all together. But I live in a little hick town, with a dry desolate landscape. I would move in a heartbeat, to a beautiful forest, near the ocean. But not to live with junkies, and crime, and lies and sickness.

In our conversations, he just doesn't seem to get some of the simplest things. Like 11 year olds get hurt, and act like children, so as adults, we have to fix this, and make them feel safe. He keeps saying how, there's no point, and there is nothing he can do, to make it up to his son.

He still wont resign, to let some proffessionals work with him, on his addictions. He is still using.

Saying no, to his bull$hit, has done wonders for our conversations - but I wonder how much longer I can have these talks, with so many blocks and stopages in the flow.

Where do I go from here? Our conversations are as pleasant as they've always been. As long as I go lightly on the healing and recovery talk. I want to be his friend, but he still gives nothing. All the while, still caught up in the injured and sick junkie mentality. But then, knowing and agreeing with everything I'm saying, to be true.

How do you not talk about recovery, knowing that it will eventually come about, if you talk about it?? The more I speak with him, the more I can hear in him, that he has gone away, and taken what I've said, very seriously, and if he had the courage to use the tools available to him, he would. How do you help, without sacrificing, and getting attached again. I need specifics people. He is still 2000ks away, not heading here anytime soon, all talk the other day, and I know that if I keep up the no's, and no I won'ts, we will get somewhere. I know that it is not up to me. I know that when I wanted to stop using, it was something in me, that was in control of the situation, and it just took over, and did it for me. When I decided to go on a diet, it was because that same need to be different, and to change my life, took over again.

Guess it's all just about waiting then??

marle

Waiting can be hard, but you know that is all you can do about his situation. That and prayers. You take care of you and the children. Your recovery is the most important thing in the world and I am sure that it is the most important thing for your children. I know that talking recovery with my daughter got me nowhere until she was ready to hear the message. You know that moment of clarity when you know that you can't go on the way you have been going. We, that love addicts, get that moment too. Sounds like you have had yours and from what I hear you saying, it sounds like you are right where you need to be. Be gentle with yourself. We are important too, you know. Hugs, Marle

lizw

It's weird how recovery works as me and a sponsee were talking about this same thing this morning.

For me the last relationship I was in was with a guy who (in my opinion) was addicted to porn, and I found I could not leave the relationship, under my own steam. I think one of the reasons for this was that it was in someways one of the best relationships I have ever had, even though it was also, at times, pretty sick.

However he wasn't addicted to substances! Which for me was a 1st ever!! All my previous partners have been alcoholics and drug addicts.

But to the leave that relationship I ended up in SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) because when I found out about the porn thing, I knew I had to put an end to our relationship but just couldn't. I'd write these long emails, saying it was over, but never send them to him. I'd just try telling myself to get over it too but that was even worse.

So these days I am glad to be free of it BUT I am not saying you need SLAA, what I did want to say about your situation is that you are well within your rights to set a time period regarding how long you are willing to wait for. 1 month? 2 month? 6 months? I don't think you have to tell him that you are doing this either. And during this time of 'waiting' just watch what happens. Watch how he behaves and ask yourself if you want to live with it.

I am suggesting this as my previous relationship before the porn guy was with a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I can assure you, that while soberity in a person you love is great, it is certainly not the cure all solution. So I waited and watched, and tried to digest what was happening then one day a certain number of things happened and I knew I didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. I knew it was over.

I know how easy it is to drive myself mad with the 'should I be with him' or 'should I be without him' question', so I just wanted to say it's ok to make a decision, not to make a decision for a certain period of time.

:ghug3

laurie6781

This may not be possible. Someday if he ever finds recovery you two may have a cordial but distant relationship, speaking only of the children.

You don't get it yet. You CAN'T help him. His actions, his addictions, have to get HIM to the point of WANTING recovery. He's not there yet.

I have said this before, I will say it again, the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME was my Parent, my extended family, and My husband shut the door on me. Refused to talk to me on the phone, shut the door in my face when I came to the door. I was 33 1/2 years olds and it still took another 2 1/2 years, the last 1 1/2 living on the streets of Hollywood California for me to find my bottom.

Cruel? Maybe. But it finally brought this alkie/addict to her senses......................that was almost 30 years ago now and I have over 27 years sober and clean.

You have to take care of YOU and your children. You cannot help him, he has to help himself. Continuing to talk to him at this time is only hurting you. When he calls, although it will be hard, for your own sanity and peace of mind it just might be time to say something to the effect of : "Sorry I cannot continue to go round and round with you." and hang up.

This is putting a lot of stress and tension on you which is transmitting to your children.

Please take care of YOU.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,

Omm anomanom

Thaqnks everyone.

Laurie, that's what I've been tossing up, since my last conversation with him. I can't stand all the same rubbish, the same hurdles, and the same excuses. I'm getting to it...soon I know that I will, and I will probably use your 'round and round' quote, as this is a favourite of his.

The hardest thing, is that I still think of him as a friend, and never want to lose him forever. I am still stuck in the 'ánything is better than nothing' vein. All the while knowing this to not be true.

I will get there, I just hope it's when it's not going to be as hard as what i think it will be.

Thankyou all again for sharing, and helping me.