fff

For weeks now, my STBXAW has been asking me to lift the protective order against her, which is effective until Dec. 2009. She claims she has had many job interviews, but cannot pass the bckgrnd check due to the protective order that is in place. The thing is, she has been to jail for misdemeanors, so would it even make a difference?
On one hand, I like having the boundaries of the PO in place. She can only call to speak to the kids, we communicate via email only about the kids, etc. etc. My worst fear (I know I know), though, is her relapsing, showing up one day and saying something like "this is my house too, I live here, etc etc etc." But if she wanted to harm me or get someone else to, wouldn't she have done so already?
I know one's worst fear almost never happens, but it did happen on the day she went to jail...Plus when she got drunk her favorite thing to do was play phone games and call people over and over and over again and berate them...I was witness to this many times.
On the other hand, I am around her all the time, when she comes for visitation (which is unsupervised now) and counseling, and I do not feel physically threatened by her at all. She has been out of jail and sober for 7 months. Maybe there's a way to build the same provisions from the PO into the next visitation agreement that our lawyers create (should be sometime next month). Also, it would be better for our children to be able to do stuff together. I know she will always be a part of my life and I will have to co-parent our kids with her--we might be able to do this more effectively without the PO. I don't know...I still think she might be trying to manipulate me somehow for some scheme...the thing is, her actions also destroyed any trust I had in her, which is another reason why I am reluctant to remove the PO. I know it is her responsibility to fix her problems but I think I might be being unreasonable by keeping this thing in place....

ANGELINA243

I personally wouldn't lift it just yet. It was obviously put in place for a reason. When we make mistakes we have to deal with the consequences of those mistakes. It's great that she has been sober 7 months--but that really isn't a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, especially if she has exhibited this type of behavior before. It does sound like there is indeed some manipulation taking place from where she is coming from...I can see why it might be harder to find a job under the circumstances, but I know people with criminal backgrounds and/or on probation who managed to find a job. I think its too early to tell right now whether her actions are out of sincerity or if she feels caught "in a bind" and wants the easy way out--by making you feel guilty. In the meantime, take care of your children and pray for her....allow her to be responsible for her own mistakes. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--her alcoholism.

hadenoughnow

I would leave it in place until the divorce is final at a minimum. Lifting the protective order will not erase it, it will simply show that it has been lifted. Prospective employers may still be wary of hiring her.

laurie6781

The ultimate decision is yours.

However, in M H O 7 months is 'a drop in the bucket' so to speak. This sounds like manipulation on her part. A PO from a spouse is explainable.

Baby steps my friend, baby steps. I am happy for all of you that visitation is going well, but she still has a lot of work to do on her.

It is not a matter of you feeling physically threatened at the moment. We all know, all it takes is one drink and she's off and running again, not that she will, however, this first year and sometimes even the 2nd year are real hard on the alcoholic. I know mine were.

Hopefully, she is in some type of recovery program, be it AA or SMART or one of several others. Each of those require INTENSE work by the alcoholic on oneself.

You stated:

Personally, I don't think so.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,

ARealLady

fff....I am going to bet that your stbxaw is "behaving" because of the protection order especially since she has recently been in jail and doesn't want to go back there again.

Her 7 month sobriety is to be admired but how much of that was achieved while she was in jail too where she had no access to alcohol? How long has she actually been out of jail and sober? As others have asked is she working a programme for HER recovery?

When the PO was handed down, there was a reason for dating it as it is currently dated.

Trust that your stbxaw will get a job and keep the focus on what is best for your children and you.

ARL

FormerDoormat

No way!

fff

7 months out of jail. She goes to AA 2-3 times a week + therapy.. .

starflier

Maybe you could check with your lawyer re the ramifications of removing the PO.

fff

I hear you. Based on these things that she has said:
-she's going to get kicked out of her mother's house if she doesn't get a job
-what happened is partially my fault (enabling her, maybe...)
-I didn't treat her fairly while she was in jail, like send her $ and/or clothes
-she has a disease (absolutely, but she still has yet to take responsibility for her actions, right?)
-she could have put a lien on our house to pay for her attorney but didn't

it seems like she is trying to guilt trip me...that whole "you owe me!" thing...
This was mostly said when we were walking to our therapy appt. The fact that any chance she gets to communicate in a non-controlled (by court order) setting she lashes out at me like that is alarming. She can't force or coerce me to do something if I don't want to do it or feel comfortable doing it.

hadenoughnow

This is an indication of how she will behave if you lift the order. My ex behaves in a similar fashion, trust me you want to avoid more of this if at all possible.

hadenoughnow

-quack quack
-quack quack quack
-more quacking
-oh yeah I have heard this one before too
-would she like a cookie? or maybe a graham cracker? she can't just "take a lien" without your consent or she probably would have

McKrazy

I think you answered yourself with your inner voice telling you that you don't really feel ready. It sounds like you're not ready and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. She's unfortunately still serving consequences of some really bad choices. You'll KNOW when the time is right and you are still your children's only advocating parent that is healthy. They really are the bottom line right now. Trust what you've learned. The one thing I have learned is what a home SHOULD be is a haven of safety for everyone who lives there. You've provided that.... keep on keeping on! Good for you!